Image by Austin Schmid
I must confess, I’m not very good at resting. And in some ways, that’s a good thing. I have some extremely hard-working, driven, determined parts who have helped me achieve quite a bit in my career. Building a busy therapy practice over the past 14 years, training in a number of trauma-informed models, teaching meditation, writing, supervising other therapists and all the other things I love to do – those pedal-to-the-metal parts helped bring to fruition.
As I often say to my clients, working hard, being ambitious, having high standards for what you produce: these are all good things. The problem for them – and for me – is when hard work tips into a relentless, hamster-wheel existence, when work comes to completely dominate your life. And when those standards ratchet up from merely high to perfectionistic. When you feel like nothing is ever quite good enough, that you could always do more or try harder. When it’s difficult to feel any satisfaction or sense of accomplishment, no matter how much you achieve, because you’re straight on to the next goal.
The biggest downside of all this overworking is becoming exhausted, because the parts of you that drive you so hard may not know you’re human. With an all-too-human body and mind and nervous system, which all need to just, stop, sometimes. If this sounds familiar to you, I’m guessing you might also suffer from various physical ailments, like tension headaches, IBS, skin complaints, musculoskeletal problems and chronic fatigue. These are all ways for our body to communicate to us that we need to stop, rest, recharge. Otherwise, we risk burnout – or a much more serious illness, which is, sadly, common for those who charge relentlessly ahead, oblivious to their body’s increasingly urgent warnings.
It’s not your fault
For those readers in industrialised nations like the UK or US, it’s important to remember that our inability to rest is not just a personal problem – and certainly not your fault. We live in countries with capitalist economies and co-evolved cultures that esteem hard work, rewarding long hours both financially and with approving language like ‘grinding’ or having a ‘side hustle’. The rise of online working means we can now work anywhere, any time – it’s well documented that many workers now struggle to switch off, responding to emails and other messages from early morning to late at night, as well as at weekends.
And none of this is an accident, of course. Big corporations recruit and highly value employees willing to work long hours, soak up unhealthy levels of stress and give 24/7 commitment to the corporate cause. That’s why so many of my clients have worked in sectors like banking or law, where a relentless work ethic is the minimum expectation, causing untenable levels of stress and anxiety which lead them to my door.
It’s helpful to remember that humans are not designed to live this way. As I’m often writing in these posts, millions of years of human evolution designed us for a hunter-gatherer way of life (how every human on the planet lived until the Agricultural Revolution, just 10,000 years ago), with short bursts of intense activity (hunting, climbing trees for fruit or honey, scaring off hungry predators) followed by long periods of complete rest. We are designed to be either completely on – flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, muscles pumping, pushing our bodies to their limit – or completely off – blood rich with oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins, digesting a meal, sleeping, singing and telling stories around a fire.
Rest = Self-compassion
Every system in your brain and body needs rest. You’re like an iPhone, designed to give maximum output for only so long before you need recharging. We can also think about giving yourself a much-needed rest as an act of self-compassion. Because another thing I always tell my clients is that their health and wellbeing need to move much higher up their list of priorities. If you have ever been seriously ill you will understand that if you don’t have your health, nothing else really matters. No amount of money, accolades or professional achievements can compensate for being so grindingly exhausted you can barely climb a flight of stairs. Or the vision-blurring, nausea-making suffering of severe tension headaches, day after day. Or the severe bloating and discomfort that come with IBS.
Your body and brain are the most precious, miraculous, beautiful things. Treat them with care and they will help you live a rich, meaningful, flourishing life. Take them for granted and, I’m afraid, life may be a bit more difficult, especially as you grow older – take that from a grey-bearded 56-year-old! Your health becomes a much more precious commodity as you age, because you realise both how valuable and fragile it can be.
So, let’s make a deal. Next month is August, when many of us take time off to rest and recharge. I have decided to take two whole weeks off this year, to see my friends and family, spend time with my lovely wife and son, journey to some wild places and breathe clean, fresh air while hiking through Nature. If this hard-working therapist can carve out that time, could you? I know for many of you that won’t be easy – you may well have family commitments, childcare worries over the summer, financial pressures or a whole host of other reasons rest is elusive.
But we can build short periods of rest into even the busiest day. Even on days I am back to back with clients, I always meditate and do some exercise before the busy-ness begins. I also try to take a walk at lunchtime and build in other short IFS or self-compassion practices throughout the day. Could you? I hope so – because you are a wondrous, unique being. There has never been anyone quite like you in millions of years of human history and there never will be. Value yourself enough to rest – let’s both give it a try and see how we get on.
The practice this week is my Sleep Meditation: Deeply Relaxing Body Scan. As the name suggests, it’s designed to help you sleep, but will also aid rest and relaxation whenever you need it. Try it now by clicking on the button below – I very much hope it helps.
Love,
Dan ❤️