I recently wrote a post about the Inner Critic, arguing that this part of us is much maligned and misunderstood. A quick refresher: in schema therapy, it has long been argued that this critical part, especially in its more punitive form, was a very bad thing.

Traditional schema-therapy theory argues that this harsh, mean part of us is the internalised voice of a critical adult from childhood and so needs to be shut down, silenced, or even banished from your internal system (which essentially means silencing the stream of self-critical thoughts).

I get the logic of this, but the theory doesn’t seem to stand up in my consulting room. I have spent years working with my clients’ various parts (known as modes in schema therapy) and even tried fighting back against the Punitive Critic, as I was taught, using chair work and other techniques to help protect people from this inner bully.

And you know what? It didn’t work. Sometimes that Punitive Critic went silent for a bit, but it always came roaring back, especially at times when people felt vulnerable or threatened. And I also grew increasingly uncomfortable about confronting part of the person.

It goes against everything I believe and have learned in other models of therapy, such as Internal Family Systems, which argues that every part of us has a positive intention, however counterintuitive that may be.

Collaboration, not confrontation

Think of your Critical Part, as I call it, as being a bit like a barking dog. At first, it might seem scary (like that pitbull in the photo, if it suddenly became aggressive), because it can be loud, harsh and say really mean things to you, calling you names like pathetic, a loser or failure. It’s only natural to want to fight back, or get rid of that horrible voice in your head.

But, thinking again of that pitbull, if it’s barking loudly, it’s usually because it is scared. My theory is that your Critical Part gets loud when you are vulnerable, or threatened in some way, because it is anxious and so warning you about bad things that might happen.

For example, if you’re about to go on a first date with a girl you really like, you might think self-critical thoughts like, ‘I’m bound to screw this up – I bet I say something stupid and she never wants to see me again!’

So that’s your Critical Part piping up, warning you not to say the wrong thing, because you might get hurt or rejected by your date. It might not seem like it, but that part is trying to protect you. And in my experience of working with hundreds of Critical Parts in my consulting room, their intention is almost always either protective or motivational (and sometimes both).

They might bark loudly, but that’s just because they are scared and don’t want you/them to be hurt, rejected, abandoned, criticised or attacked.

Compassion for the Critic

So, if it’s not helpful to fight the Critical Part, or try and banish it from your mind, what should you do? I think you need to have compassion for this part of you, which is trying desperately to protect you – and may have been doing that since you were a small child. It doesn’t mean you should just let the self-critical thoughts flow, because I’m sure they do make you feel stressed, anxious, depressed or upset.

Here’s a rough guide to the approach I use – and teach my clients to try themselves as homework, between sessions:

First you have to notice the self-critical thoughts and realise that these harsh messages are coming from the Critical Part. This requires taking a ‘mindful observer’ perspective, where you can step back from the thoughts, observe and respond to them, rather than thinking, ‘That’s just me.’
Let’s say the Critical Part is bashing you about an upcoming presentation, saying things like ‘You are terrible at public speaking! You are bound to look really anxious and tense, so everyone will think you are unprofessional and generally just an idiot.’ Notice that the Critical Part is trying to motivate you (make sure you prepare well, do your absolute best and nail the presentation) and protect you (if you mess this up people will judge and criticise you; then you might even lose your job, which would be awful).
So, roll your shoulders back and lengthen your spine, take a few deep breaths and respond calmly but firmly: ‘Critical Part, I know you’re trying to help. I also think you are freaking out about this presentation. But this isn’t helping – you are making me more anxious and stressed, which will actually make my performance worse.’
Then let that part know that you, Healthy Adult, grownup, strong, professional you, can handle the presentation. ‘I’ve got this. I will prepare thoroughly, do lots of deep breathing to calm myself down, then I’m sure it will be fine. So please step back and let me deal with this.’
The Critical Part then feels reassured and should, as requested, take a step back and be quiet. If not – and even if so – you may have to repeat this again, again and again. This part of you is deeply ingrained and is also very anxious, so needs lots of reassurance, negotiation, persuasion and compassion to calm down.

I really hope this helps, but I must emphasise that it’s not easy and takes consistent, repeated effort. But then everything important in life does, no?

Warm wishes,

Dan