‘To err is human; to forgive, divine,’ as Alexander Pope’s famous quote goes. Meaning: we all make mistakes. Everyone does things they regret, feel bad about or wish had never happened. That’s just part of living a beautiful, complicated, messy human life.

But for many of us, the problem comes with forgiving ourselves. If we make a mistake, instead of accepting that’s normal, we beat ourselves up, treating tiny errors like life-changing, unforgivable transgressions. And with that beating up come painful emotions like guilt, regret, anxiety or even shame – the most painful emotion anyone can feel.

So here’s a thought – why not just forgive yourself?

Why it’s so hard to forgive

I know this is easier said than done. And if it was easy, you would do it, right? So let’s break down the reasons so many of us struggle to forgive ourselves, even if we know, rationally, it’s a good idea.

The first reason for being unforgiving with yourself is that you probably feel you don’t deserve it, for some reason. You may have been raised in a family environment that was harsh, critical or that emphasised mental toughness over self-compassion and care. There might have been family rules about ‘pushing through’ or ‘toughing things out’, that made you think it was normal to be harsh with yourself, especially if you made a mistake.

Another reason for being tough on yourself is having a harsh inner Critic, who beats you up for every tiny failing, real or imagined. This Critic is a key focus for treatment in schema therapy, because it’s often a driver of your unhappiness, in various ways. This part is probably not the monster you imagine it to be, because it is trying to motivate you (using the stick, not the carrot) and protect you, by making sure you don’t say or do things that might get you attacked, rejected or hurt. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true.

In therapy, as we work on this Critic, we also work on helping you be kinder to yourself and more self-compassionate. This will be the topic for our next Heal Your Trauma webinar, so do come along on Saturday 28th May if being compassionate is a struggle for you. Keep an eye on this blog for news about our next event and how to book your place.

Benefits of forgiveness

Even if forgiving yourself is a struggle, it’s important to understand exactly why you shouldn’t give up. I know, both from all of the research and over a decade of practising as a psychotherapist, that when people finally learn to forgive themselves, they can feel deep waves of calm, peacefulness and healing. This can be truly transformative and life-changing, so it’s worth persisting, even if you find it hard right now.

As I always say to my clients, what’s the point of beating yourself up for things that have already happened? You can’t change them, or take them back. You can only learn lessons from them to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes in future.

Another quote for you, from the Dalai Lama, to end with: ‘Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.’

Warm wishes,

Dan