Are You an Orchid, Tulip or Dandelion? Why Your Temperament Matters

Image by Zoltan Tasi

There is a Swedish term, maskrosbarn, which means ‘dandelion child’. The Swedes have long believed that a proportion of kids were like dandelions – they were hardy, resilient and could grow anywhere. Just as dandelions can grow in lawns, parks or cracks in the pavement, so these unusually robust children can manage in any family, even if from the outside they look like tough environments in which to grow up.

Psychologists Bruce J Ellis and W Thomas Boyce, when studying genetics and child development, coined a new term in 2005: orkidebarn, meaning ‘orchid child’. Unlike their hardier counterparts, orchid children are – like the flower – highly sensitive, needing just the right environment to flourish. If the parenting/family dynamic is not what they need, orchids struggle mentally and physically, and can go on to suffer from long-term mental-health problems.

In new research, Dr Francesca Lionetti and colleagues identify a third category: tulips. These are medium-sensitivity children, somewhere between dandelions and orchids. The authors write that in their study of 901 healthy adults, 31 per cent were orchids, 29 per cent dandelions and 40 per cent tulips. These numbers vary from study to study, but what is clear is that some children are born with highly sensitive temperaments (also known as Highly Sensitive Persons), with less-sensitive children at the other end of the scale, and medium-sensitive in the middle. This temperamental sensitivity, or lack of it, stays with people into adulthood.

How temperament shapes your personality

Why does this matter? As I am always telling my clients, your temperament is crucial because it shapes you from the moment of your birth (and probably before that, in the womb). It is a combination of nature and nurture – the genetic inheritance you received from your parents combined with early parenting, attachment with your primary caregivers, family dynamics, and so on. If you were born a dandelion, you would have been pretty thick-skinned as a child, managing to cope even in high-conflict, volatile or otherwise less-than-ideal family environments.

But if you were an orchid, the same families would have been far too much for you, causing you persistent stress which would, in turn, have affected your developing brain. We know, for example, that high levels of the stress hormone cortisol negatively impact brain development, starting in the womb. This can harm a tiny baby’s growing brain, affecting its shape, size and connectivity.

Put simply: if you were an orchid in a stressful, chaotic or otherwise dysfunctional family, you would have suffered. And, very sadly, that suffering might have continued throughout your life – Dr Boyce writes that orchids account for a disproportionately high percentage of every society’s physical and mental-health problems. That’s because your highly sensitive temperament made you unusually vulnerable to things going wrong at every level of your mind-body system.

Why orchids can thrive

If you – like me and most of my clients – are an orchid, this may all seem a bit depressing. You were born with a highly sensitive temperament, your family wasn’t great, so then you suffer for life, right? Wrong. In fact, research also shows that, given the right care, orchid children thrive. They do better educationally, financially and in every other way than dandelions. Just like their horticultural namesakes, these kids can bloom into the most beautiful adults, they just need a little care, the right emotional nutrients, and some time.

There are two take-home points here. First, your temperament is key, whether you are an orchid, tulip or dandelion. It plays a huge part in making you, you. It is mostly inherited, but is profoundly affected by your environment.

Second, none of this is inherently good or bad. Sensitivity is an inherited neural – and neutral – trait. Just like being short or tall, having green eyes or brown, it’s something you are born with. But unlike your eye colour, it can change because of your environment and throughout your lifetime. And the problems that high sensitivity makes you vulnerable to can be mitigated by all the usual methods of healing and change – reading mental-health blogs like this one, self-help books, podcasts, therapy, meditation, yoga, loving relationships and all the other good stuff I am always writing about.

I hope you find these ideas eye-opening. If you would like to know more, try Dr Boyce’s book: The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Sensitive People Struggle and How All Can Thrive. It’s a great read and has helped shaped my thinking around temperament and child development.

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Person

I recently wrote a post about Elaine Aron's wonderful book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. I also admitted that it was a particular eye-opener for me because I realised she is writing about me – I am a highly sensitive person and proud of it. And probably at least 50% of my clients are HSPs too, so this concept has helped me immensely, both personally and professionally.

As a follow-up, here are three of the things I have realised about how we highly sensitive folk need to take care of ourselves day to day:

• We need time to process. Sometimes, in my downtime between seeing clients, writing up session notes, and all the many other things I do as part of my (wonderful) job as a therapist, I notice that I am compulsively surfing the Web. Having recently take a break from social media, I realised that looking at The Guardian's website and depressing myself with the latest scary thing happening in the world, or just reading football-related nonsense, was my new digital addiction. I also realised that it made me feel, well, just bad. HSPs need time to process stuff, because we are so attuned to every detail of what is happening that it's easy to get flooded (what Aron calls being over-aroused). So more mindfulness for me, less scary news and screen time.

• Slow is (generally) good. Linked to the first point, because being an HSP means that our central nervous system is unusually sensitive (which is neither good nor bad, just a largely genetic trait), we get easily overwhelmed by things. Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, traffic, too much information, too many strong emotions, big crowds, strangers, public speaking, aggressive or loud people... the list is a long one but will be unique to you – some of these may be triggers for you, some not, but you will definitely have your triggers. Personally, I like to talk and think about things slowly. I am more into deep thinking and powerful, one-to-one conversations than social chit-chat. Slow is good for me, even if I don't always remember that.

• Alone time helps us recharge. As Elaine Aron points out, not all HSPs are introverts. You can be a highly sensitive extrovert, but common sense says that most HSPs will prefer small groups, close friends or time alone. I am certainly one of those – although I love seeing clients all day, or even teaching large groups, I do find some alone time in the day invaluable. It helps me rest and recharge, as well as giving time for processing everything I have thought, seen and experienced that day (see point one). As with all of these points, it's important to remember that none of this is good or bad, it's just how I and probably most people reading this are wired. Learning to love and accept yourself as you are is a crucial component of schema therapy, so recognise your need to be alone sometimes and carve out that time for yourself.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

Elaine Aron is an American clinical psychologist who has spent her career researching, writing about and providing therapy to Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs). Aron discovered this group and set about testing her theory that some people are more sensitive than most – she believes HSPs make up about 20 per cent of the population. Her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, is written for HSPs like herself, as she is an unusually sensitive individual too. 

I must admit that this book has had a huge impact on me. Not only does it describe at least 90 per cent of the people I work with, but it also describes me with eye-opening accuracy. HSPs, according to Aron, have an unusually sensitive nervous system.

This means that they pick up on far more of the information in their environments than less-sensitive people. They are affected by bright lights, loud noises, crowds and strong smells. If there is tension in a room, they will pick it up and find it uncomfortable. They will intuit which people in a group are friends and who dislikes each other. They are like tuning forks for subtle interpersonal vibes.

Aron is quick to point out that being an HSP does not make us superior to our less-sensitive friends, family members or colleagues. This sensitivity is a trait – largely genetic but also affected by our life experiences – that is neutral. In some ways, it is a real advantage – I always tell my clients that I could not be a schema therapist without a high level of sensitivity. Being this sensitive makes me, and all other HSPs, more thoughtful, empathic, attuned to other people and their needs, as well as a whole host of other good things.

Sensitivity is no bad thing

But perhaps the most important point that Aron makes – and one I really want you to take on board – is that being sensitive is in no way a bad thing. I don't know about you, but all my life people have told me I should be less sensitive. 'It's just a joke – stop taking things so seriously!' Or, 'Why do you always make such a big deal about things? Just man up and toughen up, for God's sake.' Don't be so shy/introverted; be the life and soul, speak louder, be more of a 'character'. 

For men especially, sensitivity is often seen as a weakness, or something to be ashamed of. Many HSPs get bullied at school, for precisely this reason. And extra-sensitive women are often told they are crazy, or over-emotional, because they feel things deeply and cannot just lighten up, or get a grip, or let it go.

So if this describes you, please understand that there is nothing wrong with you – and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. You are just genetically, temperamentally, a bit different from most other people. This probably means that you have been very much affected by difficulties in your childhood, or family of origin.

You may have an anxiety disorder, or get depressed. You may even have personality problems, or struggle with addiction. All of these things need help, from a professional like me or one of my colleagues, who are trained to help sensitive people (and less-sensitive ones, of course) become happier and healthier. I would also strongly recommend reading this book.

And if it describes you, give it to your partner, friends and family, so they can better understand you and why you behave as you do.

Warm wishes,

Dan