How to Respond to the UK’s Riots? Meet Hate with Compassion

I have been watching with great sadness, shock and disbelief as the far-right have rioted in towns and cities across the UK over the last week. Today they will hold a rally near me, at a service helping immigrants in Finchley, which will no doubt descend into violence and chaos.

This violence breaks my heart in so many ways. As the descendant of Jewish immigrants – who fled persecution in Russia at the beginning of the 20th century and found sanctuary in England – I know all too well the fear of being othered, attacked and persecuted that refugees across the UK must be feeling right now. This was so acute for my grandparents, who lived through the horrors of World War II, working for a Jewish charity helping those who fled Hitler’s terrible reign from across Europe. They, like most of us, would have believed that we had evolved beyond poisons of the mind like hatred and racism – and they lived in Finchley, so would be horrified to see this ugliness so close to their door.

These poor refugees, who have escaped horrendous conditions and oppressive regimes in countries like Eritrea, Afghanistan and Sudan, thinking they had found safety here only to be terrorised again. My heart goes out to them and I feel nothing but love and compassion for them and their children.

It’s also heartbreaking to see all this violence and hatred erupt in my country. And it’s hard to know how to respond, because the more primitive parts of our brains fire up when under threat and we too feel hatred and fury, wanting to demonise the rioters and seeking harsh punishment for them. And, of course, they should be punished – by the legal system, which they will be, as our new prime minister has made very clear.

But I also take this Martin Luther King quote to heart, knowing that if we respond with anger and hatred, nothing will ever be solved. Hatred begets hatred. Violence begets violence. Instead, I think we need to address the fear these men must feel, on some deep level. They feel threatened and scared – and this fear is easily manipulated by nihilistic politicians and other bad actors online. And their fear becomes anger and hatred, directed at ‘them’, who they think will take their jobs, harm their families, become the dominant culture.

But these refugees are just humans, like you and me. All they want is to live in peace, send their kids to school, work hard and pay taxes and contribute to their new community and society. And of course we need immigration – our NHS could not run without immigrant workers, for example, nor could our farms or transport networks – so we need to help people understand that. Let’s do everything we can to counter all this hate and misinformation with love, compassion – and firm boundaries, because of course it’s never OK to terrorise innocent people.  

If you would like to take compassionate action right now, I recommend donating to Refugee Action, who are on the ground helping those affected by these terrible events. You can donate now using the button below.

And if these events are making you feel anxious and unsafe – especially if you are a person of colour, an immigrant, Muslim or Jewish like me – sending you all my love and warm thoughts,

Dan ❤️

Vote for Hope. Vote for Kindness. Vote for Compassion

This is a post about how to save democracy. It is also a post about kindness and compassion. And about how to create a better world.

We live in challenging times, as humanity faces an unprecedented array of problems. Biggest among these is the climate crisis, which makes all other problems we face pale into insignificance. If we don’t stop burning fossil fuels and treating the natural world like a resource to burn through, we are in big trouble. Linked to the global impact of climate change are problems like mass migration, rampant inequality, racism and other forms of ‘bad othering’, in which we look for simple solutions to complex problems, blaming groups of people we don’t like for issues that have nothing to do with them.

And all of these problems cause trauma, individually, societally and systemically. This is one of the many reasons I love internal family systems as a model, because it directly engages with these societal problems, aiming to heal not only individuals but, bit by bit, all of humanity. This may sound overly ambitious, but I passionately believe it to be both possible and essential. The rise in populist parties around the world is driven by fear, which is then exploited by unscrupulous politicians. If we can help more people – and their frightened parts – become less scared, more loving and accepting, we can fix our broken politics too.

Vote for humanity

That’s why I am urging you to vote in the general election wherever you live. If you’re in France, please vote on Sunday to keep the far-right out of power. For those of us in the UK, this Thursday I would encourage you to vote Labour, or for the progressive candidate best placed to win where you live. If you’re in the US, choose the Democrats come November (and yes, that may mean Joe Biden, with his many faults and frailties).

I am passionate about politics, because to me there is no separation between mental health and trauma, and wider social issues – they are completely intertwined. I was raised by parents who dedicated their lives to social justice, feminism, climate activism and improving the lives of those who were suffering. I have always followed their lead and done all I could to advocate for politics of love, kindness, fairness and justice. That said, I have complete respect for those who disagree with me and choose to vote differently – that’s what democracy is all about, after all, which is why it’s so precious.

But I think most people reading this would like a kinder, fairer, more compassionate world. One in which everyone had the chance to live in peace, to feed and house their family, for their children to be happy and safe. A world in which we cherished and lived in harmony with the natural world. And one in which we could co-exist peacefully, respectfully, tolerating our differences, not hating any person or group because they are ‘them’ and we only care for ‘us’. There is no them and us, just billions of humans who, as the Dalai Lama would say, all want to be happy and do not want to suffer.

Vote for a better world

I know that no political party is perfect. Certainly none of the ones I am advocating in this post. Our leaders are flawed, imperfect human beings – just like us. So I would also urge you to choose a good-enough party and good-enough leader. Remember your vote is so precious, hard-won by our ancestors who fought and died to protect freedom and democracy. Squandering that right is a disservice to those brave souls.

So please vote this week, in November or whenever your country’s elections are held. Vote for love. Vote for peace. Vote for a better world. And if you’re not happy with the choices your leaders make on your behalf, shout loud and clear so they can hear you and change direction. But opting out of voting is not the answer, because that lets the forces of darkness win. They are gathering strength around the world right now so we all need to do everything we can – peacefully – and vote, donate, sign petitions, organise and march to protect our freedom and human rights.

Thank you for reading – and for your support, as ever. It means the world to me.

Love,

Dan ❤️

We Are All Part of One Big Human Family

Image by Annie Spratt

Where are you from? You might think that’s an easy question and that the answer would be New York, London, Sydney, Berlin, Budapest… or wherever else you were born and raised. But there is a deeper answer to this question, because for all of us, whichever country we now call home, our ancestors all came from the same place. And that place is Africa.

I learned a great deal about this in a fascinating BBC series presented by Dr Alice Roberts, a medical doctor and anthropologist: The Incredible Human Journey. It really is a wonderful series, bristling with revelations about who we are and where, ultimately, we are all from. And although the idea that all humans originated in Ethiopia is not new to me, what did blow my mind is that every single human on the planet today who does not live in Africa – that’s around 6.5 billion people – are all descended from the same tiny band of Africans who left the continent between 60,000 and 90,000 years ago.

It doesn’t matter what you look like, what language you speak, your facial features, the colour of your hair, skin or eyes – if you trace your ancestors back far enough they would be African. And it’s jaw-dropping to me that you (if you are not today an African) and me can trace our genetic lineage back to this band of intrepid early humans who left Africa in search of new lands and possibilities for life. Just a few families who emerged from that continent and slowly spread into Asia, Australasia, Europe and the Americas.

You are part of my family

And so you are my brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent… You are part of my family. And isn’t that a wonderful idea which, if we all truly understood it, would make all the anger and fear and ‘othering’ of refugees a complete nonsense. Because these people coming, for example, in small boats to the UK, are my family. They are your family. And they are the family of all those politicians who speak of them with anger and disdain, knowingly stirring up primal fears and hostilities so we treat these poor, desperate people as somehow less than us, subhuman.

I dream of a future in which we understand that all humans are equal. That we all wish to be happy and safe. All of us want our children to eat healthy food and drink clean water, to live in a warm home, to get a good education and live a comfortable, meaningful life. In which we understand that, on an ancestral and genetic level, we are all the same, that skin colour is literally skin deep – because my skin and perhaps yours is only light because we live in cold countries, where our recent ancestors’ skin pigments changed as they adapted to colder climates.

And if, one day, we evolve to the point where we all understand this, it is taught in every school, every person on this planet understands and embraces their lineage, maybe these artificial borders we have drawn as mere lines upon a map, will no longer have meaning. The idea of ‘us’ and ‘them’ will melt away, because we are all, in fact, ‘us’. And keeping ‘them’ out, pushing those small boats back, becomes ludicrous, because those boats are full of family members, needing our help.

And I know, with all the war and aggression raging around the world, that these ideas seem fanciful, even naive. But I don’t care. I am an optimist. And I think if we all work towards it, this is a future we can co-create. Because, honestly, what’s the alternative? More war, division and darkness – and that’s not a world I want to live in, or leave to my son and his children.

If this resonates with you, please do watch that series – I think you will find it both fascinating and inspiring. You may also feel moved to help those refugees/family members. If so, Choose Love is an excellent charity, which is helping displaced people stay warm, safe and dry over the cold winter months. You can support them using the button below.

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

Could You Start a Ripple of Kindness Today?

Image by Vonecia Carswell

I think we can all agree that we need more kindness in the world. We live in an age when a small, noisy minority dominate both mainstream and social media, as well as our political systems. We see this with the ‘othering’ of refugees and asylum-seekers, portraying them as somehow less important and even less human than us. Instead of welcoming these poor, traumatised people with kindness and compassion, many news outlets and governments around the world treat them with suspicion and outright hostility.

But these actions are those of a tiny minority, who unfortunately are skilled at gaining positions of power and influence. It may surprise you, but study after study finds that most people don’t actually think like this. Most of us are socially liberal, kind, tolerant, altruistic and generous. One survey, published this week, found that Europeans have actually become more welcoming to people fleeing humanitarian crises, such as the heartbreaking one unfolding in Ukraine, in recent years. Happily, negative media stories don’t change the way that most people think, feel or act as much as you might expect.

Time and again research shows that most of us treat our fellow humans with love and respect. Please remember that, if the news is getting you down, humans can be selfish and cruel, but they can also be kind, warm, loving and open-hearted. It’s just that everyday stories of people being nice to each other don’t make the news, especially in today’s clickbait-driven media environment.

We are all inherently good

If you would like to know more about the goodness inherent in all of us, I strongly recommend reading Humankind: A Hopeful History, by Dutch historian Rutger Bregman. He makes a strong case that, despite all the tales of our ancestors’ warring and bad behaviour, throughout human history we have lived in ways that are far more prosocial, cooperative and altruistic than historians and anthropologists often depict.

Nevertheless, despite the fact that we are so much better, as a species, than the media makes out, it’s clear we are still facing some major challenges right now. As my last post argued, by far the biggest of these is climate change, which does require urgent and decisive action by every member of the human family, but especially those of us with the most power, both spending and political. We also face linked challenges of income inequality, with far too many people still living in poverty, lacking basic facilities like clean water and sanitation, the degradation of Nature and much more.

We also see increasingly polarised political and social debates in countries like the US, into us and them, right and wrong, liberals versus conservatives. And all these problems could be solved, or at least drastically improved, with a little more kindness. Drawing on newer, more highly evolved parts of the brain like the cortical layer – the uniquely human region of the brain involved in rational thought, science, mindfulness, compassion and other high-level cognitive abilities – we can learn to treat each other with kindness, civility and respect, even if we disagree.

Less us and them and more just us, because we are all human, many of us have trauma histories or other difficult experiences in our childhoods. We all want to be happy, for our loved ones to be safe, healthy and lead meaningful, flourishing lives.

Start a ripple of kindness

So, what can we all do to make the world a kinder place? I like to think about starting ripples of kindness as I move through the world. Of course, I try to do this in every therapy session I offer, every blog post I write, every webinar I teach or guided meditation I record. My guiding principles as a psychotherapist are to treat every person I meet or teach with love, kindness and compassion.

But I also try to do this in my daily life. Every time I hold the door open for someone, buy a homeless person a sandwich, or let another car out at a junction, I hope that this little moment of connection, of humanity, will make the other person feel as good as I do. And my hope is that they will pay this forward, holding doors or smiling at the next person they meet, and so on. And this creates ripples of kindness, of warmth, of mutually experienced pleasure at our shared humanity.

It may sound a bit far-fetched, but at worst it can’t do any harm, right? And the more we treat each other with kindness, the less division, antagonism and conflict we will have in our world. Plus research shows that being kind is good for your mental health, so it’s a win-win!

Here’s your homework for the week: think about how could you start a ripple of kindness today. Trust me, this is one piece of homework you will enjoy.

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

Where is Our Compassion for Refugees?

Image by Ahmed Akacha

This is a little different from my usual posts. It’s not about mental health – well, not about your mental health, or mine. But it is about compassion which, as regular readers know, is very dear to my heart.

Living in the UK, I have watched with increasing anguish as our right-wing government demonises and persecutes people arriving on our shores, frightened and desperate for help. Many of these ‘migrants’ are in fact asylum seekers, with perfectly legitimate claims for asylum. They are fleeing war, torture and persecution in troubled countries like Afghanistan, Eritrea or Sudan.

They increasingly arrive in small boats, making the perilous crossing from France because this government has made it very difficult for people to use safe and legal routes to enter the UK. Those of us who believe in a thriving, multicultural society, with a flow of migration in and out of the UK (which benefits the economy, by the way), have watched with dismay as our former prime minister, Theresa May, created a ‘hostile environment’ to deter immigrants. Later, the self-inflicted disaster of Brexit legitimised the racist, xenophobic rhetoric our right-wing media has been trumpeting for decades.

These poor, traumatised people arriving in boats often take great risks, putting their own lives and those of their family in danger, travelling vast distances in the desperate hope of finding safety, sanctuary and welcome in this country. Instead, they are treated as less-than-human, as things – to be feared and treated with disdain.

My refugee family

This demonising of refugees is a deeply personal issue for me, because I am the descendant of Russian Jews, who fled to Britain in the early 20th century to escape the violence and persecution of ‘pogroms’. My maternal grandfather was the first-born in this country when his family settled in London’s East End – where wave after wave of immigrants have made their home.

My wonderful, wise, warm-hearted grandfather later worked for a charity, the Jewish Board of Guardians, which worked tirelessly to help Jewish refugees living in the UK, including those fleeing persecution by the Nazis. My grandparents lived in terror of a German invasion – which came perilously close during World War II – for obvious reasons.

So when I see politicians talking about an ‘invasion’ of immigrants and using language not dissimilar to that of the Nazis, it fills me with horror. Have we learned nothing from history? Have we no compassion, no humanity, no basic decency?

Compassion for all of humanity

I think it’s crucial for those of us who embark on journeys of personal growth and healing from our own trauma to remember that compassion is not just for ourselves, or those close to us – the Buddha taught us that compassion must be for all sentient beings. That means all of humanity, not just those we like, or who share our skin colour, who are part of our tribe. All humanity, without exception.

I’m sure you agree. And I’m sure you are a kind, decent person, who may already do a great deal to help others. If I could ask you to do one small thing today, it’s to take compassionate action by donating to Refugee Action, a wonderful charity helping people who arrive on our shores, desperate for help. The button below will take you straight to their donation page.

Thank you – sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

Are You Kind to Others But Mean to Yourself?

Image by Jeremy Perkins

I’ll bet you’re a kind person. I can say that with some confidence because you are reading this post, written by a psychotherapist, about mental-health issues. That means you either struggle with those issues yourself and/or help others who do. One of the silver linings about struggling in this way is that it means you are probably sensitive (perhaps highly so) and have deep empathy for the suffering of other people, because you know only too well what it’s like to suffer.

I would also wager that you are much kinder to others than you are to yourself. That’s because, again, if you do struggle with your mental health, you may have an especially loud, harsh and hurtful Inner Critic (known as a Punitive Critic in schema therapy) who calls you horrible things like stupid, pathetic, weak – or much worse.

These critical messages may have a different tone, sounding more motivational, pushy and determined (this would be a Demanding Critic, in schema-therapy language). I have one of these. He means well – as most Critics do – but pushes me so hard, all the time: ‘Work more, be a better therapist/person/father/husband/son/friend, write a (bestselling) book, do (brilliant) therapy in every session, supervise expertly, teach impactfully… More! Better! Never enough!’

It’s exhausting. And, despite my best efforts, sometimes these messages do get on top of me and I find myself stressed out and depleted, so have to make a conscious decision to do less, aim for good enough, forget about unrealistic notions of perfection, nourish and treat myself with kindness.

Different flavours of meanness

So, despite being kind, you may be mean to yourself in an obvious, punishing way, or it might be more subtle, with a constant pressure to achieve, succeed, aim for perfection. Either way you will end up feeling stressed, frazzled, under constant pressure. And because this pressure is internal, it operates 24/7, with a drip-drip effect that eventually overwhelms you until you crash, get sick or burn out.

Again, this is not some theoretical, hypothetical thing for me. I totally get it, because it’s a daily struggle not to do too much and try too hard. In fact, it’s this way for most therapists I know. That’s because the three most common therapist schemas are Defectiveness, Unrelenting Standards and Self-Sacrifice. Here’s why that’s a tricky triad:

• Defectiveness is perhaps the most common schema – almost all my clients have this one. It’s the ‘not good enough’ schema that makes you feel defective, unworthy, dislikable, a failure or less-than compared with others. So even if you’re doing well, deep down you feel in your gut that you are no good, an imposter, one mistake away from being found out. None of this is true, by the way – it just feels true because you have been telling yourself this negative, critical story for so long

• Unrelenting Standards often shows up as a compensatory schema for Defectiveness. So if we work super-hard, drive ourselves relentlessly on, make sure everything we do is perfect, then no-one will realise we are actually defective and crap. I see this one a lot in high-achievers, like CEOs, professors, partners at City law firms. People who are, in many ways, highly successful – but it doesn’t feel satisfying or good because they know this success is fragile and, if they make a mistake or have a bad day, it could all fall apart

• Self-Sacrifice is a big one for people in caring professions – teachers, nurses, therapists, counsellors, social workers. It comes from a good place – being kind, thoughtful, empathic and generous – but it’s way too much. If you have this schema, you might give and give, looking after everyone else while your battery drains away to 1%. So you sacrifice your own wants, needs and wellbeing to look after others

Self-compassion is key

What’s the answer to this all-too-common predicament? Well, as I often write in these posts, tell my clients and teach through my Heal Your Trauma project, self-compassion is a crucial skill to learn. It’s the antidote to the hurtful, destructive messages given by these schemas. It’s a way to respond to your Critic, whatever flavour they may be, by telling them you are doing great, thanks; that you and your work are more than good enough; that you don’t have to be perfect to be liked, loved or respected; that you are human, with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else, so you don’t have to get an A on every test life throws at you.

Learning to treat yourself with self-compassion is not easy. But the good news is that, if you are kind and compassionate to others, you have all the tools you need to turn that inward and treat yourself with the love and respect you so deserve.

If you would like to learn more about this topic – and specifically how to treat yourself with greater kindness and compassion – do come to my next webinar, The Healing Power of Self-Compassion, on Saturday 27th May. You can book your place using the button below – I hope to see you there!

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

Receiving Kindness and Compassion From Others – How to Let it in

Image by Berkay Gumustekin

Most of us know that kindness and compassion are helpful qualities to develop. And if you are trying to improve your mental health and wellbeing, you will have received that message loud and clear from all the books, blogs, podcasts and social media posts you consume. It’s good to be kind and compassionate to others. It’s good to be kind and compassionate to yourself. It’s good to spend your time with people who are kind and compassionate to you. We all know this to be true.

But – and this is a big but – for many of us, none of this stuff is easy. In my last post, I explained why self-compassion is so powerful and healing. But I have also written a great deal about why it can be a struggle to generate self-compassionate thoughts and feelings, especially if you have a trauma history. Many of my clients, colleagues, friends and family members are kind, compassionate people – but have a tough time treating themselves with a similar level of warmth and benevolence.

Something we think less about, but which is equally important, is whether we are able to receive compliments, kind words and compassionate gestures from other people. Surprisingly, this can be just as tough as generating self-compassion.

Taking in good stuff – why it’s hard

With many of my clients, I have noticed over the years that when they are given a compliment, they bat it away. ‘Oh, anyone could have done it,’ they say, or ‘It really wasn’t that great.’

The same thing happens with kind words, offers of help and support, expressions of love and affection – all are deflected, batted away, subtly rejected. When I have said something warm and complimentary, telling them how big-hearted they are, or how much I like them, some of my clients actually flinch, as if I have said something cruel and hurtful.

And this is such a shame, because I am offering them a chance to feel good about themselves, to counter the often harsh, negative and unpleasant messages they have received from family members their whole lives.

But this is precisely the problem. If, as a small child, you are on the receiving end of a barrage of hurtful attacks, whether verbal or physical, you quickly learn to create some kind of armour to protect yourself. This armour may take the form of a part that helps you detach and shut down inside (called the Detached Protector in schema therapy), so you feel numb, rather than sensitive and vulnerable to being hurt.

It may look like avoiding difficult people or situations at all costs. The armour might be behavioural, like distracting yourself with your phone, or using substances to help you feel numb or disconnected from your emotions, because they hurt too much.

And all these forms of armour make sure you never feel open, vulnerable, exposing your soft belly to the world. Because you have learned that if you do so, you will be attacked, rejected or hurt in some other way.

So no wonder you push away compliments or kind words! Because to receive them you need to be vulnerable, to trust, to be open – and these can all feel threatening, especially if you have a big trauma history.

The practice

I developed this practice, which I call the Treasure Chest, to help one of my clients struggling to take in kindness and compassion from others – you might find it helpful too.

1. First, I want you to imagine that somewhere inside – your heart, maybe – you have a treasure chest. And this chest is yours and yours alone. Nobody else gets to use it. Nobody else can access it – just you.

2. Close your eyes and take a moment to really imagine this chest – what’s it like? What shape is it? What is it made of? What colour is it? Is it light, or heavy? Does it have any decorations or patterns on the outside? The more vivid this detail, the more real it will seem to your brain when you need to use it.

3. Now, here’s the hard bit. Next time somebody offers you a kind word, or compliment, instead of reflexively shrugging it off or batting it away, I want you to imagine taking this lovely thing and storing it in your treasure chest. Remember, nobody knows it’s there. No-one can access it. It’s just for you.

4. You could visualise the kindness as a piece of treasure, like a gold coin or beautiful, light-filled jewel. And as you store it in your secret chest, see if you can allow yourself to feel it, even a tiny bit, too. So if someone says, ‘I love the way you’re always so wise and know exactly what to say when I’m feeling down,’ if you let yourself, you might feel just a bit proud. There may be a small ripple of warmth in your belly, chest and throat. You might even feel yourself walking a few inches taller, that your chest has expanded a little, or shoulders relaxed and dropped.

5. It can also be helpful to start a journal, writing these gifts down there, too. If you get a lovely email, you could store it in a special folder (mine is called Hardwiring Happiness and I keep all sorts of heartwarming messages there). Write it, draw it, keep it in some concrete form – this will help make your treasure more real and make sure you don’t lose it.

6. If you keep doing this, bit by bit, slowly your treasure chest fills up. And you learn to accept those kindnesses and compassionate gestures, rather than pushing them away. Then, over time, that starts to change the way you feel – about yourself, about other people, about the world and your future. Nothing radical or dramatic, just slow, steady, incremental change. Until one day, you feel a bit happier, a little better about yourself, a tiny bit more confident and self-valuing. And that has to be a good thing, right?

I really hope that helps. And if you would like to experience me teaching this and lots of other helpful techniques live, come along to my next webinar: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion, which takes place from 3-4.30pm on Saturday 28th May 2022.

I hope to see you there – and am sending you love and strength, whatever you might be struggling with right now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Humans Can Be Cruel – But Also Kind, Compassionate and Altruistic

Image by Tim Mossholder

It’s hard to live in this world sometimes. Of course, the crisis in Ukraine is dominating the news right now – as it should – and is utterly heartbreaking on a daily basis. But let’s not forget there are many other, less-well-covered, conflicts around the world right now. War is currently raging in Yemen and Ethiopia, to name but two, with many other places – like Syria and Afghanistan – experiencing shocking strife and instability.

Sometimes, as we view the world through the media’s negative, catastrophising prism, it can seem as if humans are terribly heartless and cruel. And in some ways, this is true – our species does have the capacity for great cruelty, aggression and barbarism. A quick glance at the history books will prove that to be true.

But we are also capable of wonderful things – acts of kindness, compassion, selfless generosity and altruism. Around the world, billions of tiny, good things happen every day, but go unreported by the media, because they are too small, too unexciting to make the headlines, rolling-news cycle or your social media feed, which can be dominated by scary and upsetting stories.

This is not an accident by the way – Facebook, Twitter and YouTube’s algorithm’s are designed to grab and hold your attention in any way they can. And, sadly, stories that scare or outrage people get more attention than sweet, simple, kind stories, so you get bombarded by the former and then think this is ‘the truth’, when it’s only a tiny fraction of most people’s daily experiences.

Are you a chimp or a bonobo?

As a psychotherapist, I am fascinated by the human mind and the capacity we all have for light and dark, good and evil, aggression and altruism. I’m also intrigued by evolutionary psychology, which seeks to explain where these capacities came from, in terms of our evolutionary history. I recently watched a Netflix documentary, Animal, which shed some surprising light on this.

One episode featured the great apes – a group of which humans are, of course, a member. And it compared the lives and behaviour of two closely related apes in the forests of the Democratic Republic of Congo. We first saw a ‘community’ of chimps, who could be tender and loving, but also shockingly violent. In this patriarchal group, males compete, fight and kill each other in a constantly evolving struggle for dominance. Chimps also kill members of local communities, as they seek to expand their territory.

The documentary then switched to a ‘party’ of bonobos, living just across the River Congo from their chimp cousins. Bonobos look a lot like chimps, but they are smaller and live in matriarchal groups, where women rule. And the difference is remarkable. They might squabble, but they live highly peaceful, pro-social lives. Bonobos don’t kill each other, or their neighbours. If young males get a bit over-excited, the women soon put them in their place. The contrast with über-violent chimps is stark.

Much has been written about this in the evolutionary-psychology literature, but as I watched this documentary I couldn’t help but think about some of our autocratic leaders: Putin, Assad, Trump, Bolsonaro, Modi, Orban – they are all basically chimps, no? Violent, macho, aggressive, lacking human empathy or compassion for the millions of people they hurt and even kill.

And then our (mostly female) bonobo-like leaders: Jacinda Ardern, Sanna Marin, Angela Merkel, Joe Biden, Barack Obama. Not perfect, of course, but still kind, compassionate, empathic, pro-social. They really seem to care about other people and do their utmost to help them. Again, the contrast with the chimp-adjacent autocrats is stark.

Humans are basically good

So, even at a time like this, when it can be so upsetting and depressing just to glance at the headlines every day, remember that the vast majority of people are basically good, kind and decent. Just look at the response to the Ukrainian refugees, which (apart, I’m ashamed to say, from the UK) has been wonderfully warm and generous. Neighbouring countries like Poland and Romania have take in millions of displaced people, with ordinary citizens giving up their homes, money, food, medicine, clothes, hotel rooms, rental cars – even driving refugees hundreds of kilometers to be reunited with their families.

It fills my heart with joy to see these generous, benevolent acts. And reminds me that as a species, we might be closely related to chimps – but we are just as intimately connected to bonobos (research shows that bonobos share about 98.7% of their DNA with humans—about the same amount that chimps share with us.) So please remember that, if the world seems rather dark and scary right now. Inside your heart and mind are wondrous capacities for kindness, decency, selflessness and other beautiful qualities. Putin can never destroy that, however hard he might try.

And if you would like to do something to help, please donate to Unicef using the button below, which is working on the ground in Ukraine to help children affected by the war.

Sending you love and warm thoughts, wherever you are in the world,

Dan

Rethinking Your New Year's Resolutions

Image by Elisha Terada

Every year, as we approach 1st January, people ask me, ‘What are your resolutions this year?’ And I always tell them that new year’s resolutions are not my cup of tea.

It’s not that I’m against them, per se – if you’re making resolutions that’s great, I very much hope they go well for you. It just seems like a slightly odd idea to me – that, on one day out of 365, we set ourselves some goals, most of which are forgotten by the end of January.

For example, so many people make resolutions about getting fitter, which is great. Or losing weight, which is (usually) a good idea. So they sign up for an expensive gym membership, go every day for a week and then lose interest and never go again.

Goals for life, not just the new year

Now this doesn’t mean I am against change, or growth, or setting yourself helpful goals. Far from it. In fact, my whole life is about helping people change! I am deeply passionate about this and spend most of my waking hours writing, teaching and providing therapy sessions where I do everything in my power to help people change and grow.

I just think that these kinds of changes – becoming calmer and less anxious, say, or becoming fitter and healthier – require slow, incremental and sustained effort. The kind of effort that needs lifelong goals, not the kind that sparkle like NYE fireworks and then fizzle out just as fast. So here are a few of my guidelines for setting goals that have a good chance of surviving past February.

1. Make sure your goals are realistic. It’s so easy to set ourselves overly ambitious goals, like losing 20kg, or going to the gym every day. And then we really go for it – hitting the treadmill and weights, giving up cake, doing Dry January – but only lose 3kg, get disheartened and give up.

   If you really need, for health or medical reasons, to lose 20kg, why not aim to do that by the end of 2022? You can then lose around 2kg a month, which is a realistic goal for sustainable weight loss, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). And with each 2kg lost, you feel good about yourself, your confidence grows and that spurs you on to keep exercising and eating more healthily. It’s a win-win.

2. Set yourself kind goals. We have all been through two years now that have been unprecedented in terms of stress, anxiety and daily challenges. As someone who has (thankfully) never experienced a world war, I have known nothing like this in my lifetime. And now I think we are all just exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. So why not make your goals for 2022 all about kindness and compassion.

   If you don’t have a daily meditation practice, getting started now would be a great idea – I have recorded a collection of guided meditations on Insight Timer, which you might enjoy. They are all free, or payable by donation, if you wish. And there are thousands of other excellent teachers on this app, all offering meditations for free. Other apps such as Calm and Headspace are great; or you could try one of the eight-week mindfulness courses, like mindfulness-based stress reduction, which is a great way to kickstart your daily practice.

   How about setting a goal of doing one kind thing for yourself every day? Or taking compassionate action for a cause that most affects you, such as protecting the rainforest, or raising money for refugees, who arrive penniless and often traumatised on our shores. Taking compassionate action like this is a win-win, because it helps the people or cause you’re passionate about, as well as stimulating activity in your brain that will help with mental-health problems like anxiety or depression.

3. Avoid the happiness trap. I know this falls into the no-brainer category, but believing that you should be happy all the time is an easy myth to buy into and then spend your life pursuing. Happiness is a lovely but fleeting state, that by its very nature can’t last for long. It’s like a beautiful butterfly that settles onto your arm for a few seconds, displaying its gorgeous colours for your visual delectation, before flapping off again.

   Instead of spending your life chasing after butterflies (pleasurable but temporary emotional states), why not try to be happier. Less anxious or depressed. Calmer. Stronger. You get the picture. Like losing 1kg a month, this is achievable, even if you have a trauma history and struggle to feel these positive emotions. We can all feel a bit happier, with persistent effort and the right kind of support, so seek something realistic and achievable and you’re much more likely to find it than that elusive butterfly.

   And the Buddha taught us, 2,500 years ago, that a great deal of our suffering is caused by chasing after pleasurable experiences (which he called attachment) and trying to avoid unpleasant ones (aversion). Happiness is just one of the many colours of our emotional rainbow – feeling all of those emotions, without grasping on to them or trying to push them away, is the secret of deep and lasting balance, contentment and a meaningful life.

I hope that helps. And let me take this opportunity to wish you a much-improved year ahead. It’s been a rough couple of years for everyone, so (surely!) things can only get better in 2022. Sending you love and hopeful thoughts, wherever you are in the world.

Warm wishes,

Dan