Let me start this post by saying that I am a proud, card-carrying feminist. I was raised a feminist by my fiercely intelligent and formidable mum – who was an unstinting champion for women’s rights in her decades of work as an academic and with the Labour Party. She taught me to respect women and women’s rights as a child and young man. And those values have stayed with me as part of my liberal, social-justice-loving, anti-discrimination outlook on life.
It’s clear that women still have a long way to go in their struggle to be treated with respect and as equals. To be paid fairly, feel/be safe both inside and outside their homes, as well as being represented as actual people in the media – not just idealised as skinny teenage girls and ignored/vilified once they turn 40. There has been a great deal of progress for women in some areas, but there is still a long way to go in others.
So this is in no way a pro-men/anti-women post, because that’s not who I am or what I believe. It is, though, a post that recognises a serious and under-reported problem: men are in big trouble too. As a psychotherapist, one of the biggest problems I see is that men are still much less likely to seek help when they are struggling than women. They are less likely to see their GP, for mental or physical health problems, and are reluctant to see someone like me if they feel stressed, anxious or depressed.
Just look at these sobering facts from the Mental Health Foundation, about men in the UK:
Three times as many men as women die by suicide
Men aged 40 to 49 have the highest suicide rates in the UK
Men report lower levels of life satisfaction than women, according to the Government’s national wellbeing survey
Men are less likely to access psychological therapies than women: only 36 per cent of referrals to NHS talking therapies are for men
Why do men suffer in silence?
Having grown up in the 70s, I think I get this problem from the inside. When I was a boy and young man, talking about your feelings would have been labelled as ‘weak’ or ‘soft’, or even ‘gay’ (the ultimate insult in those rather homophobic days). I never did it. None of my friends did it. It just wasn’t a thing.
And none of us had even heard of anxiety or depression. You were either like most people (sane and ‘normal’) or you were mad and would end up in the loony bin. Madness was scary – something you saw in horror movies or read about in the tabloids. So that, for us, wasn’t a thing either.
But – and this is the crucial point – it wasn’t that we didn’t struggle with those problems, we just couldn’t talk about it. And probably wouldn’t have known what to say, even if we could. I and many of my friends had traumatic childhoods. One of my friends had a father who was a heroin addict, with all the ensuing chaos for him and his family you would imagine. And one of my classmates at secondary school was one of three brothers – his older brother was also a heroin addict and this guy clearly, with hindsight, suffered from depression as a teenager and eventually committed suicide.
So it’s not like mental-health problems have somehow emerged in the last decade, just because we are all talking about them on social media. I and my male friends struggled with exactly the same things as teenage boys do today, we just didn’t have the language to describe them or get any help from adults.
What can we do for men?
We live in a very different world today. Not only do we understand and talk about mental health so much more, we now have highly effective treatments for every kind of psychological problem, from chronic stress to complex trauma. So I think the most important thing we can all do is to encourage the men in our lives to talk openly about their struggles.
That includes feeling depressed and especially having suicidal thoughts and impulses, because the worst thing we can do is ignore it, with the misguided belief that we will make it worse or more likely to happen. Ask your brother, son, dad, grandpa, uncle, nephew, cousin, friend, colleague, boyfriend or husband how they’re doing today. If they say something like, ‘A bit down,’ or ‘Been better,’ know that this is man-speak for depressed. They are likely to underplay their symptoms for fear of seeming weak or moaning too much.
If you do think they are depressed, ask directly, ‘Are you having suicidal thoughts?’. Use the s-word, don’t feel like you’re treading on eggshells. And be persistent, especially if you’re concerned about them – one discussion is not enough, either to find out how they are or get them some help.
If you are worried about this boy or man in your life, get them to see their GP. And if it’s financially viable, encourage them to see a counsellor or therapist. Just talking about this stuff, with someone kind and skilled, can really help. If they are struggling with more serious problems – like PTSD after a traumatic incident – make sure they see a trauma-informed therapist offering schema therapy, trauma-focused CBT, sensorimotor psychotherapy, EMDR or another model proven to help.
Let’s all put our arms around the men in our lives, because they (we) are going through a tough time. And loving, kind, patient conversations are a great place to start.
Sending you love and warm thoughts,
Dan
