Your Inner Critic: Friend or Foe?

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We all have an inner critic – the part of us that gives us self-critical messages. This critic (which I call the Critical Part) is on a spectrum of harshness, from mild at one end (‘Come on Dan, that wasn’t a great blog post, was it?’) to harsh and aggressive at the other (‘Why do you always screw everything up Dan? You’re such a pathetic loser!’). The view in mainstream psychology is that this self-criticism is harmful, bad and must be silenced to stop us getting stressed, anxious or depressed.

Of course, if your Critical Part is at the harsher end of that spectrum, the messages it gives you will make you feel some kind of bad – sad, hurt, anxious, stressed, unconfident or ashamed. But having tried many different approaches to help people with this hurtful inner dialogue, I now believe that trying to silence the Critical Part just doesn’t work. And getting angry with it, or trying to get rid of that part of you doesn’t work either.

The critic is part of you

As I often say to my clients, it’s like really hating your left hand. You might not like it. You may even want to get rid of it. But it’s part of you! So whether you like it or not, it’s not going anywhere. Same goes for your Critical Part – like it or loathe it, this is a part of your inner world. You can’t get rid of it, any more than you can your hand. So it’s better to understand, even have compassion for this part.

So how do we do that? First, let’s try and understand its origin and function in your inner system. I believe most Critical Parts come online when you are around five years old. That’s the age when you start to get cognitive, when your brain has developed enough that you can start asking big questions, like ‘Who am I?’ or ‘Why does mummy love my sister more than me?’. You not only wonder about who you are as a person, what you’re good or bad at, what you like and dislike, but also start comparing yourself to your siblings and friends.

Protecting you from HARM

At this age you also figure out what makes your parents treat you well or badly. For example, if your dad gets drunk and screams at you for tiny mistakes, you learn to avoid making any mistake (like spilling your drink, or leaving toys scattered about the floor) that will trigger a scary, hurtful attack. I think that Critical Part is the hypervigilant inner guard dog, that barks at you when you make a mistake that might get you hurt.

Throughout your life, this part becomes more entrenched until, as an adult, it just seems like you. But it’s not – it’s just a part of you, that is barking at you when it thinks you have done or are about to do something that will get you hurt in some way (usually attacked or rejected). If we think about the Critical Part this way – that it’s actually protective – it seems a lot less like some big, scary monster.

And we can have compassion for it too, because in my consulting room I often see these parts freaking out. Your Critical Part is usually anxious, scared, hypervigilant for danger. Because of course it’s just part of you, so if you get hurt, it gets hurt.

Love every part of yourself

I wrote in a recent post that we need to develop love and compassion for every part of us, even the parts we dislike or hate. And that absolutely includes the Critical Part, because the only way to turn the volume down on that hurtful inner criticism is to reassure this part that it’s OK, we hear it, and we’re perfectly capable of handling whatever it thinks we can’t handle – scary boss, angry partner, presentation at work, or whatever the threatening person or situation may be. I will guide you in exactly how to do this in an upcoming post.

I am dedicated to helping people be kinder and more compassionate to themselves, so I hope this helps you, a little, with that hard and lifelong work.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Do You Have Trouble Managing Your Anger?

Anger is a tricky emotion. In pure evolutionary terms, anger is our signal to fight a threat, as part of the fight, flight or freeze response (anxiety is the emotion that tells us to freeze or flee).

This is all well and good if you are facing a hungry lion, but not so helpful if your boss has just criticised you, or another driver cuts you off in traffic. But this primitive, self-protective threat response explains why we can react so strongly, violently even, if we feel threatened – in a very crude way, that's what anger is for.

Most of my clients have some kind of problem with anger, roughly falling into two camps. The first group is scared of or uncomfortable with anger – theirs and other people's. If this describes you, it may be because one of your parents was given to angry outbursts, which as a child were very frightening.

That vulnerable child inside you learns to be scared of anger, even when you are – on the outside at least – now an adult. It's also possible that your family were rather buttoned-up, viewing any expression of anger as rude and uncivilised (a very British way to deal with anger!), so you learned to keep your angry feelings stuffed deep down inside you. As an adult, it's now hard to access and express them, even when it's appropriate to do so.

The other problematic form of anger is expressing it too often and too volcanically. This is the cause of domestic violence, bar brawls, violent crime, road/air/trolley rage and aggressive bullying. It's just as harmful as repressed anger, both to those around you and ultimately yourself – you will probably end up in serious trouble, perhaps even prison, if you cannot contain your anger and explode at the smallest provocation.

People with this 'anger style' may come from very angry, combustible families in which everyone was always shouting at/being aggressive to each other. They may also have been hurt, neglected or abused as children, so that child inside is absolutely furious at the world and can't help but express it, even when it's dangerous or destructive to do so.

The angry modes

In schema therapy, when people are expressing anger in a problematic way, we see this showing up as one of three angry modes. If you find yourself blowing up all the time, perhaps shouting or swearing at other people, being threatening or even physically violent, you are in Bully/Attack mode. This is the most problematic angry mode, so a major part of your therapy would involve learning how to respond to triggering situations in a calmer, more rational manner.

Anger-management strategies can be helpful here, as well as longer-term healing of schemas such as Abandonment, Mistrust/Abuse or Vulnerability that can trigger this attack-is-the-best-form-of-defence style of responding to threats or challenges.

The second mode, Angry Protector, is less destructive but still problematic. This is when you express anger in more subtle ways, perhaps non-verbally by scowling or with a closed-off body posture; with sarcasm or cutting humour; angrily complaining about or being harshly critical of other people.

This mode is all about keeping a distance between yourself and others, perhaps because deep down your vulnerable child is scared of attack or rejection. You may also be uncomfortable with any kind of criticism or challenge, so respond with subtle but unmistakeable shows of anger to shut that down.

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

— Aristotle

The third mode is the most helpful, even if it doesn't at first appear that way! This is the Angry Child mode, and is evident in the way a person expresses their anger – often disproportionately to the perceived insult or infraction. You may have a tantrum, smashing or throwing objects (not to hurt others, just to release your anger). You might also get very tearful or upset.

And beneath the anger is always hurt, fear or sadness, so if we were working together I would help you express your anger in a non-attacking, non-destructive way, so we could contact and soothe the hurt, upset or fearful vulnerable child lying just beneath the angry surface. 

When we get people into Angry Child mode, teach them how to express their anger verbally or by doing something safe but physical, like twisting a towel or punching a cushion, they experience a tremendous sense of relief – all the anger literally drains out of their bodies. It can then be deeply healing and soothing to deal with the hurt that lies beneath – over time, your anger subsides as you feel happier, safer, stronger and calmer.

Warm wishes,

Dan

What is the Angry Protector Mode in Schema Therapy?

In schema therapy, we have a number of modes that feel, express or help us deal with anger. If you are in Angry Child mode, the anger will be felt and expressed like a child feels and expresses anger. It will feel intense and stormy, leading to shouting, swearing, breaking things or slamming doors. This is the mode people are in when they act out their aggression in road rage, air rage, etc – the anger is uncontrollable and often lands them in big trouble. Not so helpful, clearly.

The Angry Protector mode is a bit more subtle. As the name suggests, this is a protective part of you, which is always triggered in relationship to others. It can be a bit passive-aggressive, involving you looking grumpy, making snide or snippy comments, or generally showing people you are angry without necessarily telling them how you’re feeling.

Telltale signs

If you want to know how the Angry Protector appears in real life, look at this guy in the photo. Telltale signs that he’s in this mode include: grumpy expression; frowning; mouth firmly set; arms crossed; and generally giving off non-verbal signals that say, ‘I am not happy with you right now!’

But remember that underneath this angry exterior is another part, the Vulnerable Child. This is the part of him that is hurting, feeling criticised, attacked, rejected or abandoned. His Little Self feels overwhelming pain, so this protector mode gets triggered to push you away. You back off, either figuratively or literally, which makes him feel safe and in control. But of course that’s not a great way to manage relationships, because if this keeps happening he will end up isolated and lonely, because he has pushed everyone who loves him away.

Healthy Adult anger

There is a final option for feeling and expressing anger, which is your Healthy Adult. This is the part of you that feels anger in a healthy, proportionate way – not feeling uncontrollable rage if someone is a bit rude, say. In that situation, your Healthy Adult would feel, maybe 20% angry, then express that anger clearly and assertively. You might say, ‘I don’t agree with what you’ve said – and I actually think it’s quite rude, so please don’t speak to me that way.’

Now this is not easy – many of us must spend years learning how to be more assertive – but it is doable (here’s a post I wrote about assertive communication). I have taught many, many people how to be more assertive over the years (and learned those skills for myself!). Schema therapy doesn’t have the monopoly on those skills – cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) or dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) are two approaches that teach assertiveness very effectively.

So if you find yourself – or someone close to you – being grumpy, irritable and generally embodying the Angry Protector on a regular basis, you might need some help from a skilled therapist. I very much hope you get the help you need.

Warm wishes,

Dan

What is the Detached Self-Soother Mode in Schema Therapy?

Image by Max Tutak

One of the key aspects of schema therapy is working with people’s ‘modes’, which are different sides of their personality that may serve a particular purpose for them. Some of these are known as ‘coping modes’, because they help us cope with difficult thoughts and feelings, interpersonal problems, or stressful events or situations.

And a common coping mode is the Detached Self-Soother, which helps us detach from our painful feelings or cope with a tough situation using a substance or behaviour that is numbing or soothing.

In the UK, our go-to strategy for self-soothing is with alcohol. And, of course, the odd beer or glass of wine with dinner is not a problem at all – I like a nice glass of red myself at the weekend. It’s just when that glass turns into a bottle, or the occasional pint with friends becomes four or five pints, then a daily habit, or in the worst case we find ourselves sliding into addiction.

We can also use behaviours or activities to self-soothe, such as spending hours on Facebook or Instagram; compulsively shopping; gambling; computer games; or endlessly surfing the Web or slumping in front of the TV. Again, none of these activities are bad per se – it’s all about how much we do them and why.

Escaping painful feelings

When we detach with this mode, one of the main problems is that we are avoiding our feelings – and in schema therapy we see that as ignoring/silencing our Vulnerable Child mode. This psychologically young, vulnerable part of us needs attending to, not ignoring. For example, if you feel sad or lonely because you don’t have a partner, it’s important to acknowledge the loneliness of your Vulnerable Child and help him/her feel better by trying to meet someone you can connect to.

Or if you feel really anxious about leaving the house, because you’re agoraphobic, it’s helpful to listen to and try to soothe/reassure your Vulnerable Child, then seek professional help if you need it to overcome your problem.

In neither case would it be helpful to compulsively avoid or ignore your feelings, numbing yourself with alcohol or distracting yourself with a Facebook binge. It’s important to remember that you don’t need to feel bad or guilty for self-soothing in this way. We all have to find ways of coping with painful feelings – and many of us do so using some form of this mode.

At the same time, just because we have done something habitually for a long time doesn’t make it a good idea, or mean we can’t seek to change.

Warm wishes,

Dan

What is the Detached Protector Mode in Schema Therapy?

Image by Kelly Sikkema

One of the most common ‘modes’ in schema therapy is the Detached Protector, which tries to protect us by suppressing our painful emotions. When we are in this mode we are very much in our heads, being overly rational and cut off from our feelings. I guess if I were to think of the living embodiment of this mode, it would be Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory – someone who lives completely in his head, who doesn’t feel much or understand other people's emotions at all.

So this is a part of us that gets activated when, say, we are upset and fear becoming overwhelmed. Our Detached Protector (unconsciously) kicks in and we change focus from the painful feelings to change the subject, tell a tangential story, or rationalise the way we feel until we're not feeling it any more. Very commonly when my clients are in this mode they will be talking about an upsetting experience without actually feeling that upset in any way.

This part of us almost always develops in childhood, when we may have learned to shut down to cope with overwhelming emotions. A good metaphor for this process is the way a circuit breaker gets triggered when there’s a power surge – it shuts the system down so nothing gets damaged. So something in your brain gets triggered and switches off its emotional circuitry, to protect you from unbearably intense emotion that you are too young and undeveloped to deal with (managing big emotions and self-soothing when they are upset is not something that young children are able to do).

We also call this process ‘dissociation’, which basically means disconnection or detachment from our inner experience or the world around us. The younger you are, the harder it is to regulate your emotions, so if you are scared because someone is hurting or threatening you, the only way to protect yourself is to trigger this circuit breaker in your brain.

From helpful to habitual

This shutting down was both helpful and necessary when you were little, but over time it became a habit and led to an increasing number of problems. For example, imagine that Stephen comes to therapy because his wife is threatening to leave if he doesn’t stop going quiet and withdrawn whenever they have a problem in their marriage. When Stephen comes to see me, he tells me he's deeply worried about losing his wife, who he loves very much. But when they have conflict, he just ‘clams up’ and feels empty and numb inside.

This is Stephen’s Detached Protector kicking in – probably because conflict situations were scary or threatening for him as a child, so he learned this self-protective behaviour. In schema therapy, a big part of the work would be helping him learn to feel and express his emotions a bit more – also to communicate with his wife when things got bumpy. These simple changes could make a profound difference to Stephen’s day-to-day life and even save his marriage!

It's important to repeat that this part of you is a protector mode – it’s not bad or mean in any way. It's just that, like Stephen’s experience, what starts out as helpful and even life-saving becomes a hindrance over time. So with Stephen, it would be important to teach him healthier way of managing his feelings – talking about them to me, his wife or a friend; using deep breathing, helpful ways of thinking or mindfulness techniques to feel calmer and more relaxed, even when conflict flared up. Over time, bit by incremental bit, this could be transformative for him – and, if you have a Detached Protector, for you too.

Warm wishes,

Dan

How to Look After Your Vulnerable Child

Image by Ben Hershey

One of the most important ideas in schema therapy is that we all have different 'modes' – aspects of our personality that get triggered in different situations. For example, many of us have a demanding mode that pushes us hard to achieve and be successful.

Because this mode pushes us too hard, it can lead to stress, exhaustion or burnout, because our drive to achieve exceeds our internal resources and so we struggle to cope with the relentless demands. 

Another part – the most important one in schema therapy – is the Vulnerable Child mode. We call this Little Dave, or Sue, or Steven, and so on (mine is called Little Dan) and it's the part that holds all of our vulnerability, anxiety, unhappiness, loneliness, feelings of rejection or being bullied, depending on our experiences as a child.

For example, if your parents were harshly critical of you throughout your childhood, this part will feel defective and incompetent – as if nothing you ever do is good enough. If one of your parents died or left the family when you were young, your Vulnerable Child will feel abandoned and, as an adult, you will be hypersensitive to being left or rejected by those you love. 

In schema therapy, we work hard to look after this part of you – to help him or her feel protected, safe, cared for. In fact, we try to meet those core needs that were not met when you were a child. So if your parents were flaky or untrustworthy, as your therapist I would work very hard to be a solid, dependable, trustworthy person for you.

If one or both of your parents was cold and unloving, I would try to be extra-warm, friendly and kind. In this way (as well as using all of the schema therapy techniques, especially imagery) we would, over time, heal your Vulnerable Child – and help you feel calmer, stronger, more confident and secure. It's quite magical to watch this transformation take place – even with the deepest, most sensitive wounds.

Caring for yourself

Of course, you don't need schema therapy to start this healing process yourself. Learning to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself is a good start – take a course in mindfulness, visit a Buddhist centre near you or check out Dr Kristin Neff's website, where there are many free resources on self-compassion training.

Yoga is another great way to heal your mind and body, as is reading one of the many wonderful self-help books available – try Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, by Sharon Salzberg; or Get Your Life Back: The Most Effective Therapies for a Better You, by Fiona Kennedy and David Pearson, for starters. If you are using alcohol, drugs or food to deal with painful emotions, you may need help to tackle your compulsive behaviour.

It is my strong belief that, whatever has happened to us in our past, it is never too difficult or too late to change. You may not be able to do this on your own – if so, seek help from me, another schema therapist or any psychotherapist sufficiently well trained and competent to tackle deep-rooted problems. 

Ultimately, healing yourself begins with a decision – that you are worthy of love and happiness; that you do not want to spend the rest of your life suffering because of painful experiences that were not your choice, not your fault in any way. We only have one life, so it's up to all of us to make the most of it, however hard it has been up to now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Do You Struggle with Romantic Relationships?

Image by Gift Habeshaw

Many people have difficulties with relationships, for all sorts of reasons. Finding a suitable person to be with and then maintaining a reasonably happy, stable relationship is not easy, for any of us.

But if you avoid romantic relationships altogether; if you find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over again in every relationship you have; or if you are in a long-term relationship but feel consistently unhappy, perhaps feeling disproportionately angry with or jealous of your partner, it's possible that unhelpful schemas are the root of your problems.

As I explain in this page about schemas, they are unconscious, deeply-rooted ways of thinking and feeling that get triggered by certain situations – and romantic relationships are among the most common triggers.

If you avoid relationships, perhaps for fear of getting hurt or rejected, you may have an Abandonment schema. This is often linked to the death of a parent, or a significant member of the family leaving in a sudden and upsetting way. The love and care you received as a child may also have been unstable and unpredictable, perhaps because one of your parents had mental-health problems, or was just not cut out to for the complex business of parenting.

So avoiding relationships altogether is one way to make sure that this painful schema never gets triggered – sadly though, that means your life will be lonely and unfulfilling (if you actually want a relationship, which most of us do), so this is clearly not the most helpful strategy. 

Watch out for schema chemistry

If you find yourself playing out similar patterns in relationships again and again, or perhaps choosing a certain type of man or woman in one relationship after the next, 'schema chemistry' may be to blame. This describes the unconscious, schema-driven forces that make a certain kind of person irresistibly attractive.

When you feel very strong physical chemistry with someone, as if you can't get enough of them and feel like they are perfect for you in every way, tread with caution. It may just be healthy sexual attraction, of course, in which case there is nothing to worry about. But if you have a history of falling in love with unsuitable people, that lightning bolt of chemistry – though exciting and seductive – is not to be trusted.

If you are in a relationship but it's not a happy one, again that is not unusual – long-term relationships are hard work, requiring commitment, sacrifices and a huge amount of love and patience on both sides. But if you have the same kind of argument over and over – volcanically losing your temper about fairly minor domestic incidents, becoming very anxious or consumed with jealousy every time your partner speaks to a member of the opposite sex – then your schemas may be to blame again.

The good news is that the schemas which cause all of these problems can be healed. Although that's not easy, it's far from impossible. There are now a number of therapeutic approaches designed to help people with these deep-rooted, life-disturbing problems, such as schema therapy or compassion-focused therapy.

When I am working with people who have these kinds of problems, one of our long-term goals is for them to find a happy, healthy, stable relationship – after all, what is life for but to love and be loved? And a healthy relationship as an adult is one of the best ways to heal the wounds of childhood, so a little work in this area goes a long way.  

Warm wishes,

Dan