Every year, as we approach 1st January, people ask me, ‘What are your resolutions this year?’ And I always tell them that new year’s resolutions are not my cup of tea.

It’s not that I’m against them, per se – if you’re making resolutions that’s great, I very much hope they go well for you. It just seems like a slightly odd idea to me – that, on one day out of 365, we set ourselves some goals, most of which are forgotten by the end of January.

For example, so many people make resolutions about getting fitter, which is great. Or losing weight, which is (usually) a good idea. So they sign up for an expensive gym membership, go every day for a week and then lose interest and never go again.

Goals for life, not just the new year

Now this doesn’t mean I am against change, or growth, or setting yourself helpful goals. Far from it. In fact, my whole life is about helping people change! I am deeply passionate about this and spend most of my waking hours writing, teaching and providing therapy sessions where I do everything in my power to help people change and grow.

I just think that these kinds of changes – becoming calmer and less anxious, say, or becoming fitter and healthier – require slow, incremental and sustained effort. The kind of effort that needs lifelong goals, not the kind that sparkle like NYE fireworks and then fizzle out just as fast. So here are a few of my guidelines for setting goals that have a good chance of surviving past February.

Make sure your goals are realistic. It’s so easy to set ourselves overly ambitious goals, like losing 20kg, or going to the gym every day. And then we really go for it – hitting the treadmill and weights, giving up cake, doing Dry January – but only lose 3kg, get disheartened and give up.
If you really need, for health or medical reasons, to lose 20kg, why not aim to do that by the end of 2022? You can then lose around 2kg a month, which is a realistic goal for sustainable weight loss, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). And with each 2kg lost, you feel good about yourself, your confidence grows and that spurs you on to keep exercising and eating more healthily. It’s a win-win.
Set yourself kind goals. We have all been through two years now that have been unprecedented in terms of stress, anxiety and daily challenges. As someone who has (thankfully) never experienced a world war, I have known nothing like this in my lifetime. And now I think we are all just exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. So why not make your goals for 2022 all about kindness and compassion.
If you don’t have a daily meditation practice, getting started now would be a great idea – I have recorded a collection of guided meditations on Insight Timer, which you might enjoy. They are all free, or payable by donation, if you wish. And there are thousands of other excellent teachers on this app, all offering meditations for free. Other apps such as Calm and Headspace are great; or you could try one of the eight-week mindfulness courses, like mindfulness-based stress reduction, which is a great way to kickstart your daily practice.
How about setting a goal of doing one kind thing for yourself every day? Or taking compassionate action for a cause that most affects you, such as protecting the rainforest, or raising money for refugees, who arrive penniless and often traumatised on our shores. Taking compassionate action like this is a win-win, because it helps the people or cause you’re passionate about, as well as stimulating activity in your brain that will help with mental-health problems like anxiety or depression.
Avoid the happiness trap. I know this falls into the no-brainer category, but believing that you should be happy all the time is an easy myth to buy into and then spend your life pursuing. Happiness is a lovely but fleeting state, that by its very nature can’t last for long. It’s like a beautiful butterfly that settles onto your arm for a few seconds, displaying its gorgeous colours for your visual delectation, before flapping off again.
Instead of spending your life chasing after butterflies (pleasurable but temporary emotional states), why not try to be happier. Less anxious or depressed. Calmer. Stronger. You get the picture. Like losing 1kg a month, this is achievable, even if you have a trauma history and struggle to feel these positive emotions. We can all feel a bit happier, with persistent effort and the right kind of support, so seek something realistic and achievable and you’re much more likely to find it than that elusive butterfly.
And the Buddha taught us, 2,500 years ago, that a great deal of our suffering is caused by chasing after pleasurable experiences (which he called attachment) and trying to avoid unpleasant ones (aversion). Happiness is just one of the many colours of our emotional rainbow – feeling all of those emotions, without grasping on to them or trying to push them away, is the secret of deep and lasting balance, contentment and a meaningful life.

I hope that helps. And let me take this opportunity to wish you a much-improved year ahead. It’s been a rough couple of years for everyone, so (surely!) things can only get better in 2022. Sending you love and hopeful thoughts, wherever you are in the world.

Warm wishes,

Dan