I was badly bullied at school. It was one of the worst years of my life – the last year of primary school, which should have been a happy time but was anything but. For some reason I’m still not 100% clear about, I got held back a year while all my friends went on to secondary school. I was then dropped, gazelle-like, into the pride of hungry lions that were the kids in the year below.

And although I have always been big, I was a sensitive, easily-hurt kid – perfect prey for bullies. So this gang made my life hell, for a year. And this experience was deeply scarring for me. It stays with me to this day, despite a great deal of work in therapy (I am finally close to healing those wounds, but it has taken a long time and much hard work).

Why am I telling you all this? Because, as with many painful psychological experiences, I know what bullying feels like, from the inside (known as emotional empathy). This is very different from intellectually understanding it (cognitive empathy), from reading books and being taught on a therapy training.

Why bullying is so traumatic

What I most remember about this awful time is the feeling of helplessness, of powerlessness. Whatever I did, or tried to do, didn’t make any difference. I told my parents, eventually, but – although of course they tried their best to help, especially my mum – when they told the teachers, it just got worse.

If I tried avoiding the gang, they always found me. I couldn’t fight back, even if I had been that sort of kid, because there were five or six of them and one of me. And this horrible kind of helplessness, in the face of attack – physical, verbal, emotional – is what turns a bad experience into a traumatic one.

I guess the silver lining of these events, which happened almost 50 years ago, is that they have helped me both understand and in turn, help trauma survivors. It’s why I always tell my clients that I understand trauma, dysfunctional families, alcoholism, bullying, depression and so much more, because I lived through it all as a child.

It has also helped me see that, as a society, we underestimate just how traumatic bullying can be for kids. I am still affected by those experiences, several decades later. And so will you be, if it happened to you. Those memories – like any kind of trauma memory – need processing, with an effective trauma-informed therapy like schema therapy or internal family systems therapy (the one I am currently having).

If you experienced bullying as a child, please don’t minimise or ignore it. The little boy or girl inside you still bears the scars of those experiences, however long ago they were.

Bullying hurts adults too

For many people, their bullying comes not in childhood, but later life. An abusive partner, horrible boss or vindictive colleague can be extremely painful, however old you may be. Again, please don’t ignore or dismiss these experiences. If you’re stuck in an abusive relationship, charities like Refuge or Women’s Aid can help you escape it – and stay safe once you have left.

If the problem is at work, and you have an HR department, speak to them about it right away. They have a legal obligation to protect you and prevent bullying or abusive behaviour in the workplace. If you’re a member of a union, tell them – they will be able to help. And, finally, if all else fails, find a new job! Life is too short to spend every day in fear of being belittled, targeted or abused in any way.

A key part of my Heal Your Trauma project is cutting through the fog of ignorance and misinformation that exists around trauma. It’s a huge problem, affecting millions of people around the world. Many experiences can be traumatic for us. And we can always do something about it, including reading blogs like this one, finding support groups, good therapy, reading self-help books, speaking to friends and family. All of those things will help – so please don’t ignore your traumatic experiences.

Get help – you deserve it.

Warm wishes,

Dan