Why (Good) Friends are Key for Your Mental Health

Image by Kingsley Osei-Abrah

Imagine being an eight-year-old on holiday, making sandcastles on the beach. Then another kid shyly approaches and asks if they can help. They have their own bucket and spade, are about your age and seem friendly enough, so you say, Sure. You probably don’t talk much, just dig, fetch seawater for the moat, focus on building your indomitable sand fortress. Then mum says it’s time to go, so you take one last, longing look at your construction and wave goodbye to the other kid.

The next day, as you start over, the same kid sidles up. And again, you probably don’t say too much, but spend the whole day digging, carrying, pouring, building. By the end of that day, you are firm friends – and every day for the rest of your holidays you hang out, gradually chatting more about inconsequential stuff, but things that might seem very important for a pair of eight-year-olds.

After the holiday, you might stay in touch or you might not (that’s up to both of your parents, really). Either way, you made a friend and, whether that was a holiday friend or a long-term friend, it felt good, right? You probably didn’t think too much about it, but you both had fun, you got on, neither of you did anything especially annoying. And that was enough.

We are wired for friendship

It felt good because, apart from the simple pleasures of sandcastle-building together, something much deeper was going on. When that kid shyly asked to help, your brain quickly checked him out and put him into one of two categories: threatening or safe. If he had been a hulking teenager kicking your castle to bits, you would have put him in category one and called your parents to protect you. But this kid was small, friendly and nice, so you gave him a ‘safe’ badge and got busy playing.

This might seem simplistic, but it’s what we do, all the time, with every person we ever meet. Your nervous system is constantly checking people (and situations) out to decide whether they are threatening or safe. If they are threatening (or just seem that way) your threat system kicks in, as your fight-flight-freeze response is triggered and you act, quickly and decisively, to deal with the threat.

But if someone seems warm, friendly, open, kind, trusting, nice or is sending a whole bunch of other safe-seeming signals, an equally powerful system comes online: your attachment system. And while the threat system says, Go away! your attachment system says, Get closer. This is how we make friends, whether we are eight years old on a beach, an adolescent at school, or young adult at college.

And we are wired for this – to attach, get closer, hug, love, commit, be open and intimate. Attaching like this is in your DNA, because your ancestors on this planet have been doing it since mammals first walked the Earth, because humans, like other mammals, are wired for attachment. It’s why cats and dogs care for and feed their young, keeping them close until they are old enough to fend for themselves (it’s also why sea turtles do not, just laying their eggs on a beach before heading back out to sea – no attachment system).

When relationships are hard

Of course, for many of us, making friends and forming lasting relationships is not so easy. If you have a trauma history, this may be especially true for you. That’s because your attachment system probably didn’t get the warm, positive, loving responses it needed when you were young. If your parent or other caregiver was angry, anxious, unpredictable, unreliable or downright hurtful to you, the person who was supposed to be your warm, safe, loving attachment figure was none of those things. Instead, their behaviour fired up your threat system, which is essentially the opposite of your attachment system in terms of how it makes you think, feel and behave.

So your attachment style (how you relate to other people) is probably not secure, unlike our eight-year-old’s on the beach. This style might be some form of insecure attachment, either anxious, avoidant or disorganised (which is basically a mixture of the two). This will make it hard to form friendships and romantic relationships; it might also make it difficult to fit in and feel relaxed among fellow students or colleagues, especially if they are new. Many of my clients struggle with all of these different types of relationship.

But, as I am always telling them, the good news is that your attachment style is not set or fixed. It can change throughout your lifetime. So if you have, say, an anxious attachment style, it can become more secure throughout your life. How? Well, an attachment-based therapy, like schema therapy, is designed to help with that. A long-term romantic relationship – especially with a partner who has a secure attachment style – will also help a great deal.

Keep working and everything can change

So, as I am always emphasising in these posts, however bad it was for you as a child – and if your childhood in no way resembled that idyllic holiday scene, above – and however hard you have found it to form warm, close, long-term relationships, please remember that this is not a life sentence. It can change, if you put the work in – and get help from the right person.

Keep going, even if it’s a struggle at first. Don’t give up if you try dating, for example, and it doesn’t go well. Eventually you will find the right person for you. Keep working at those friendships too, because the rewards, long-term, are absolutely worth the effort. And better to have one or two close friends than a whole bunch of superficial friendships, or relationships with people who don’t make you feel good.

You deserve love, warmth, intimacy and happiness with your fellow humans as much as any other person on this planet. I very much hope you find all of them soon.

Warm wishes,

Dan

What Are Core Needs in Schema Therapy?

Image by Eka P Amdela

One of the most important ideas in schema therapy is that all children have core developmental needs. These needs are the same whether you grow up in Tottenham or Tanzania, whether you’re male or female, raised in the 18th or 21st century. All human children have the same needs.

Think of these needs as nutrients that we all require to grow up strong, resilient and healthy. It’s like a plant – every plant needs certain nutrients to thrive. They need water, sunlight, minerals in the soil, carbon dioxide in the air, the right temperature and growing conditions. If plants get these nutrients, they thrive. If not, they fail to grow properly and can be small or spindly.

So what are these core needs? There are five, listed in order of importance:

1. Love and a secure attachment

Attachment theory is one of the best-researched fields in psychology. Pioneered by John Bowlby, a British psychologist and psychoanalyst, attachment theory tells us that all babies are born hard-wired to attach, first to their mother, then father, siblings, grandparents, and so on. Ideally, babies form a secure attachment, meaning they feel strongly bonded, comfortable and deeply loved by mum.

Sadly, many babies don’t experience this, for all sorts of reasons, so they develop an insecure attachment style – either anxious or avoidant attachment. If this is true of you, you might struggle to form close bonds or romantic relationships as an adult. This attachment style stays with us for life, unless we do something (like therapy, or finding a loving partner) to change it.

2. Safety and protection

This one is self-explanatory. We all need to feel safe and protected, from infancy onwards. If your family environment either was or just felt unsafe, you might have problems with anxiety, or be a worrier. You may develop a Mistrust/Abuse schema and find it hard to trust people. Or you might cling to others, especially if they seem stronger than you.

3. Being valued as a unique human being

As I always tell my clients, this is not about being special, getting all As at school or being the smartest/prettiest/most popular kid. It’s just about being loved for who you are. Just you, with all your strengths and weaknesses, likeable and less likeable bits, imperfectly perfect, like every other child. If this need is not met, you might develop a Defectiveness schema, feeling you are not good enough, dislikable or unworthy in some way.

4. The ability to be spontaneous and play

All children (and other young animals) learn through play. But some parents are not comfortable with their kids being playful, spontaneous or silly. They might shout at or critcise their kids if they are being ‘too rambunctious’ or ‘foolish’. And the kids quickly learn to stifle their natural – and hugely important – instincts to run and laugh and play.

In adulthood, this can mean being overly serious, struggling to be playful or have fun. And this can cause problems in relationships, especially if your partner is healthily playful and silly. You may need to develop your Happy Child – one of the key modes in schema therapy.

5. Boundaries and being taught right from wrong

All kids need to learn to respect other people. That they are not the centre of the universe. That their parents, not them, are in charge and get to make the big decisions. This does not mean smacking, yelling, shaming or hurting kids in any way. It just means helping them grow up to be thoughtful, respectful, decent human beings.

If this need is not met, you may develop an Entitlement schema and feel you are special, better than other people and deserve to have exactly what you want whenever you want it. That will clearly cause problems for you and everyone close to you, so needs work in therapy if true.

I hope that’s useful to understand. Remember that if any of your needs were not met as a child, and you formed painful schemas as a result, none of that is fixed or set in stone. Reading blogs like this one (or the fantastic blog/schema therapy resources at Secure Nest), or self-help books, getting therapy, forming loving relationships – these will all help you get those needs met as an adult. Wishing you all the best with that journey.

Warm wishes,

Dan

5 Things Parents Can Do to Raise Healthy, Happy Children

Image by Jakob Owens

Having children is the most profound, beautiful, life-changing and yet terrifying thing you will ever do. Nothing can prepare you for the awesome responsibility of holding that warm little bundle in your arms for the first time. And parenting — especially in those exhausting early years, when you think you will never sleep again — can be tough.

One of the hardest things for all parents is the worry that they will get it wrong and screw their kids up in some way. We will say or do the wrong thing and make them anxious, unhappy, or bereft of confidence. And no wonder — we are now deluged with information, much of it contradictory.

One parenting expert says let your baby cry it out at night; another argues vehemently against this, saying you should never let them cry. One expert recommends strict discipline with your teens; another says befriending and supporting them is best. This guru says be a Tiger Mom; that one says this will only make them stressed-out and destined to fail.

Trust your parenting instincts

Confusing, isn’t it? And in some ways I think the best thing you can do is ignore all the experts (including me!) and trust your gut. After all, some species of human has been raising children on this planet for millions of years. We know, in our DNA, how to raise healthy kids.

But the nature of modern societies means we now live in very strange, artificial, non-human ways — most of us in huge mega-cities, cut off from extended family and community, working punishingly long hours just to make ends meet. And many of us are stressed out, exhausted and stripped of our natural confidence about how best to parent.

Parents have never been under so much pressure to get it ‘right’ — while at the same time so lacking in elder-inherited wisdom about how to let themselves just be natural with their kids. Mums and dads are struggling — and I would like to help.

Lessons from my consulting room

As well as being the proud dad of a strapping 22-year-old young man — and having learned many parenting lessons the hard way over the years — I am also a therapist. I spend my days helping people whose childhoods have not been right for them, in one way or another.

Helping those struggling with chronic anxiety, depression, low self-esteem or a multitude of other life-limiting problems has taught me a great deal about what we, as parents, do to hurt our kids — even if we love them and are doing our best, which most parents are, most of the time.

It has also helped me understand what children need in order to be happy and healthy. After all, as I often tell my clients, babies are born ready to flourish. They are like little acorns, tiny and fragile but bursting with the potential to grow into a mighty oak. All they need are the right nutrients: light, soil, some minerals and they will thrive.

Your kids are just the same. So here are five pieces of hard-earned wisdom I would like to pass on to you, so that you can help your little acorns grow up strong, healthy and ready to flourish in the world…

1. There is no such thing as too much love

It is impossible to love your kids too much. That doesn’t mean you should spoil (see point 5), over-protect or smother them, but these are not the same thing as loving them. I mean hugging them, tight and often. Physical touch is how mammals communicate love, help to calm and soothe each other and build strong bonds (just watch a nature documentary about any kind of monkey cuddling and grooming each other to see how much our closest mammalian relatives need and value touch).

Tell them you love them, every day. And show them you love them, by listening intently; giving them your time, not money or things; play with them, read to them, bath them, be with them. These things feel good for you too, so it’s a win-win.

2. You can develop a secure attachment from day one

Babies are born hard-wired to attach to (usually) first mum, then dad, siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts and everyone else they relate intimately to throughout life. And helping your kids develop a ‘secure attachment style’ is one of the greatest gifts you can give them — this will help them form close, loving, nourishing relationships for the rest of their life.

Again, this is about trusting your instincts. You are hard-wired to securely attach to them too. Just do all the stuff above, from the first seconds of their life, and you will both be fine. If you are able to breastfeed, that is wonderful. If not, please don’t feel bad about it — it’s not your fault and you can be physically close in many other ways.

Lots of skin-to-skin contact, soft words, lullabies, (just enough) eye contact, play, hair-stroking… just let yourself be an attentive, loving parent and you will raise securely attached, confident, loved kids.

3. Love your kids for who they are, not what they do

We have a self-esteem problem in Western societies. The (in many ways helpful) emphasis on good self-esteem means that we judge ourselves on our achievements and compare them with our peers. Parents do this too. We praise our kids for their gold stars, or straight As, or sporting prowess. And that’s fine, but I think it gives them the message: ‘I will keep loving you as long as you succeed!’

Instead, we should love them for them. And tell them, over and over: ‘I love you so much just because you’re you.’ With this unconditional love as a baseline, getting the A or scoring the winning goal is just the cherry on top. They already feel loved deep in their bones, so don’t need these achievements to feel good about themselves.

4. Aim to be a ‘good enough’ parent

The brilliant pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, coined the phrase, ‘good enough mother’. I love this idea and use it with my clients (and myself) often. Parents — especially mothers — feel so much pressure to be perfect these days. But what does that even mean? I try really hard but I’m definitely not a perfect dad (just ask my son!).

Being good enough means trying your best, but getting it wrong sometimes. It means giving points 1–3 your best shot, but some days being a bit frazzled, snappy and impatient. It’s not a big deal. As long as that baseline of love is there, kids are pretty robust. They can handle an occasionally snappy mother or father and still turn out just fine.

5. Boundaries matter too

Although I think we should love-bomb our kids every day of their lives, I do worry about the kind of anything-goes, my little Tommy or Tina is the most special child in the world, I should never discipline them parenting I often witness. Kids need boundaries. They feel safe with structure and routine — especially with things like bath time, bedtime and (broadly) sleep routines.

It also makes them feel safe if they feel like you’re in control — no five-year-old should be the boss of a family! Children should be polite (mostly) and respect their elders. They need to learn not to hit, or bite, or have constant tantrums when they don’t get what they want, to share stuff, to be kind. Again, instinctively all parents know this, whatever the cultural or societal norms of the day.

So there you have it: my recipe for happy, resilient, self-valuing, confident kids. But please don’t turn these guidelines into more reasons to feel like you’re failing or beat yourself up! They are just guidelines. If they work for you, great. If not, do what feels natural to you.

Trust your instincts, go with your gut — and remember that you know how to do this. You don’t need a million parenting books to be a good mum or dad. Just love, value and cherish them and all will be well.

Warm wishes,

Dan