Vote for Hope. Vote for Kindness. Vote for Compassion

This is a post about how to save democracy. It is also a post about kindness and compassion. And about how to create a better world.

We live in challenging times, as humanity faces an unprecedented array of problems. Biggest among these is the climate crisis, which makes all other problems we face pale into insignificance. If we don’t stop burning fossil fuels and treating the natural world like a resource to burn through, we are in big trouble. Linked to the global impact of climate change are problems like mass migration, rampant inequality, racism and other forms of ‘bad othering’, in which we look for simple solutions to complex problems, blaming groups of people we don’t like for issues that have nothing to do with them.

And all of these problems cause trauma, individually, societally and systemically. This is one of the many reasons I love internal family systems as a model, because it directly engages with these societal problems, aiming to heal not only individuals but, bit by bit, all of humanity. This may sound overly ambitious, but I passionately believe it to be both possible and essential. The rise in populist parties around the world is driven by fear, which is then exploited by unscrupulous politicians. If we can help more people – and their frightened parts – become less scared, more loving and accepting, we can fix our broken politics too.

Vote for humanity

That’s why I am urging you to vote in the general election wherever you live. If you’re in France, please vote on Sunday to keep the far-right out of power. For those of us in the UK, this Thursday I would encourage you to vote Labour, or for the progressive candidate best placed to win where you live. If you’re in the US, choose the Democrats come November (and yes, that may mean Joe Biden, with his many faults and frailties).

I am passionate about politics, because to me there is no separation between mental health and trauma, and wider social issues – they are completely intertwined. I was raised by parents who dedicated their lives to social justice, feminism, climate activism and improving the lives of those who were suffering. I have always followed their lead and done all I could to advocate for politics of love, kindness, fairness and justice. That said, I have complete respect for those who disagree with me and choose to vote differently – that’s what democracy is all about, after all, which is why it’s so precious.

But I think most people reading this would like a kinder, fairer, more compassionate world. One in which everyone had the chance to live in peace, to feed and house their family, for their children to be happy and safe. A world in which we cherished and lived in harmony with the natural world. And one in which we could co-exist peacefully, respectfully, tolerating our differences, not hating any person or group because they are ‘them’ and we only care for ‘us’. There is no them and us, just billions of humans who, as the Dalai Lama would say, all want to be happy and do not want to suffer.

Vote for a better world

I know that no political party is perfect. Certainly none of the ones I am advocating in this post. Our leaders are flawed, imperfect human beings – just like us. So I would also urge you to choose a good-enough party and good-enough leader. Remember your vote is so precious, hard-won by our ancestors who fought and died to protect freedom and democracy. Squandering that right is a disservice to those brave souls.

So please vote this week, in November or whenever your country’s elections are held. Vote for love. Vote for peace. Vote for a better world. And if you’re not happy with the choices your leaders make on your behalf, shout loud and clear so they can hear you and change direction. But opting out of voting is not the answer, because that lets the forces of darkness win. They are gathering strength around the world right now so we all need to do everything we can – peacefully – and vote, donate, sign petitions, organise and march to protect our freedom and human rights.

Thank you for reading – and for your support, as ever. It means the world to me.

Love,

Dan ❤️

Why Your Anger Can Be a Force for Good

Image by Sushil Nash

I have always thought that anger gets a bad rap. More than any other emotion, anger is seen as dangerous, threatening, something to be avoided or repressed. That is partly because of its portrayal in the media, where we see a parade of angry, destructive, violent or even murderous characters. In most TV programmes and movies, anger is clearly a Bad Thing.

But anger can also be scary for us if we have suffered at the hands of angry parents or other family members when we were kids. If you had a very angry, shouty, hurtful dad, it makes total sense that you would see anger as something scary, to be avoided in others and perhaps even yourself. I see this all the time in my clients, who have often been hurt by destructively angry people as children.

Threat-focused emotion

Another piece of this puzzle is understanding that anger, like anxiety, is a threat-focused emotion. If we feel threatened, by an angry parent, say, our threat system will trigger the fight-flight-freeze response. Feel a jolt of anger? That’s your threat system deciding that fight is the best strategy for dealing with the threat. Or is it a jangle of anxiety? If so, your brain is telling you to either flee (if you can) or freeze (if you can’t).

So anger feels dangerous to us because it’s supposed to – it is literally signalling danger and giving you the fire in your belly to deal with it. Of course, as adults, you generally feel angry (or anxious) about things that won’t do you any physical harm. Plumbers ripping you off. Colleagues being rude. Fellow train passengers delightfully shoving their armpit in your face.

Anger is your power

None of these examples is life-threatening, but they are annoying! And if you want to deal with them, rather than suffer in silence, you need to feel and (healthily) express your anger. That requires assertiveness, which is the healthy expression of anger, especially when someone has treated you badly or crossed a line with you.

This would mean telling that plumber his prices were a ripoff – and that you would get help from a consumer watchdog if he didn’t reduce them pronto. Or calmly but firmly asking your colleague to speak to you respectfully. And definitely telling that guy to get his armpit out of your face!

Healthy anger also helps us protest about injustices, fuelling the Black Lives Matter protests; youth movements across the world, furious about the existential threat of climate change; the Me Too movement or, as I write this, women rightfully expressing their anger about being sexually harassed or worse by men.

If we are not in touch with our anger, or find it so scary that we squash it inside before we even feel it, or allow ourselves to feel it but then keep it inside, so it churns around in a hot, horrible stew, we lose our power. We cannot stand up for ourselves, or fight for what we believe in. And understanding that anger itself is actually neutral – it’s just distorted or destructive anger that is so harmful – is a good place to start.

You are entitled to feel angry. It’s just a normal, healthy emotion – like sadness, fear, love or joy. So don’t let your past rob you of an assertive, empowered present and future. You are worth more than that.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Be a Force for Good in the World

Image by Unseen Histories

This post is a bit different from my usual writing on this blog. As a therapist, I am passionate about helping people – those I see in my office, the ones I can reach through my writing, and those who are suffering all over the world.

For me, promoting kindness,  compassion and good mental health and believing in social justice go hand in hand. And it currently seems that many of our leaders and corporations, rather than striving to make the world a better place, are doing a great deal of harm. 

Reading the news on a daily basis, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by all the negative things that are happening around the world. In the UK, we have a government that has done terrible damage to beloved and life-saving institutions like the NHS; and years of austerity have done real and lasting harm to the mental and physical health of millions of – mostly poor – families in the UK. As mental health problems increase at worrying speed among our young people, it's not hard to see the impact of these policies on people's lives.

“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”

— Martin Luther King

In the US, we have a President who attacks the very foundations of democracy on a daily basis, while promoting an agenda which encourages the worst elements of humanity at home and abroad. If you, like me, are a liberal, what should we do? It's tempting to give up and retreat, to focus on the small daily pleasures that life brings and try to ignore the news, hoping it all eventually goes away.

But, as someone who believes passionately in social justice; whose life is dedicated to bringing more kindness and compassion into the world; who is deeply proud of living in the wonderful multiracial and multicultural melting pot that is London, I think we have to do all we can to stand up for the forces of light in the world.

What you can do

As the descendant of Russian Jews, who emigrated to Britain in 1905 to escape the Pogroms; whose grandparents worked for a Jewish charity helping immigrants fleeing Hitler in the 1930s, I know all too well where nasty, dehumanising ideologies can lead. And I think we all need to do everything we can to stop them. 

So instead of feeling overwhelmed and helpless, here are three things you can do today:

• Be a digital activist. Sign petitions (they do work, whatever people say), write to your politicians, post on Facebook walls and tweet to corporations and others who are causing harm.

• Boycott companies which are behaving unethically (here is a list of the most and least ethical companies in the world). Write to them and tell them why you are no longer a customer – this is the most effective way to get big companies to change, because losing money and negative PR are the most important influences on them to behave more ethically.

• Support campaigning organisations like Greenpeace, WWF, Amnesty International USA, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), Earthjustice, Hope Not Hate – they are fighting to protect the environment, human and civil rights in the courts, which is a powerful strategy to effect positive change.

And don't succumb to hatred or bitterness – another Martin Luther King quote comes to mind: 'Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.'

Warm wishes,

Dan