How to Take Compassionate Action for Ukraine

Image by Christopher Beloch

As I read my newspaper this morning, my heart was full of pain about Russia’s latest atrocity against the Ukrainian people – blowing up the Kakhovka dam, which has caused massive floods around Kherson. These floods will (intentionally) kill many people, drive many more from their homes and is forecast to be the worst environmental disaster in the country since Chernobyl.

My first feeling was overwhelming sadness and a kind of mental/emotional exhaustion about the latest example of how cruel humans can be. I often feel overwhelmed by stories like this, because it can seem as if psychopaths like Putin, or narcissists like Trump and Boris Johnson, continue to gain power around the world and dominate our lives.

Why do we put these terrible people in positions of power? Why hasn’t humanity evolved beyond this by now? Why do the bad guys always seem to win?

The loving majority

And then I remember that the news is deliberately filtered through a negative, catastrophic lens to highlight the worst of humanity, the most scary and upsetting stories. There is so much good in the world, so much kindness, compassion, altruism and basic decency. I passionately believe that most humans are kind and treat each other with respect.

But we live in an age when the Putins, Trumps and Erdogans of this world cleverly manipulate the media (both mainstream and social) to trigger evolutionarily ancient parts of our brain, making us scared and angry, firing up our threat systems so we lose access to the rational parts of the brain and respond with hostility and mistrust. We are manipulated into blaming outsiders, ‘the others’, who may be refugees, people of colour – or Jews, like my own ancestors, who have been scapegoated and persecuted for millennia.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We – the kind, loving, determined majority – have so much power, if we know how to use it. And one way to exercise that power, today, is to take compassionate action to help the people of Ukraine. I see one small example of that in the Ukrainian family living downstairs from us, rent-free, in an expensive flat generously offered to them when they escaped the horrors in their own country.

My wonderful community

My local community has rallied round this family and other refugees in the area, giving them money, food, clothes, furniture, help and support in a thousand small but meaningful ways. I am so proud to live where I do – East Finchley, a tight-knit community in North London – and with neighbours who deeply care for each other, whatever the colour of their skin and wherever they are from in the world.

So, as you read about Putin’s latest act of madness, please don’t be discouraged. Never give up. As Martin Luther King reminds us, ‘The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice’.

And if you would like to help people – and especially children – on the ground in Kherson, please donate to Unicef using the button below.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

Humans Can Be Cruel – But Also Kind, Compassionate and Altruistic

Image by Tim Mossholder

It’s hard to live in this world sometimes. Of course, the crisis in Ukraine is dominating the news right now – as it should – and is utterly heartbreaking on a daily basis. But let’s not forget there are many other, less-well-covered, conflicts around the world right now. War is currently raging in Yemen and Ethiopia, to name but two, with many other places – like Syria and Afghanistan – experiencing shocking strife and instability.

Sometimes, as we view the world through the media’s negative, catastrophising prism, it can seem as if humans are terribly heartless and cruel. And in some ways, this is true – our species does have the capacity for great cruelty, aggression and barbarism. A quick glance at the history books will prove that to be true.

But we are also capable of wonderful things – acts of kindness, compassion, selfless generosity and altruism. Around the world, billions of tiny, good things happen every day, but go unreported by the media, because they are too small, too unexciting to make the headlines, rolling-news cycle or your social media feed, which can be dominated by scary and upsetting stories.

This is not an accident by the way – Facebook, Twitter and YouTube’s algorithm’s are designed to grab and hold your attention in any way they can. And, sadly, stories that scare or outrage people get more attention than sweet, simple, kind stories, so you get bombarded by the former and then think this is ‘the truth’, when it’s only a tiny fraction of most people’s daily experiences.

Are you a chimp or a bonobo?

As a psychotherapist, I am fascinated by the human mind and the capacity we all have for light and dark, good and evil, aggression and altruism. I’m also intrigued by evolutionary psychology, which seeks to explain where these capacities came from, in terms of our evolutionary history. I recently watched a Netflix documentary, Animal, which shed some surprising light on this.

One episode featured the great apes – a group of which humans are, of course, a member. And it compared the lives and behaviour of two closely related apes in the forests of the Democratic Republic of Congo. We first saw a ‘community’ of chimps, who could be tender and loving, but also shockingly violent. In this patriarchal group, males compete, fight and kill each other in a constantly evolving struggle for dominance. Chimps also kill members of local communities, as they seek to expand their territory.

The documentary then switched to a ‘party’ of bonobos, living just across the River Congo from their chimp cousins. Bonobos look a lot like chimps, but they are smaller and live in matriarchal groups, where women rule. And the difference is remarkable. They might squabble, but they live highly peaceful, pro-social lives. Bonobos don’t kill each other, or their neighbours. If young males get a bit over-excited, the women soon put them in their place. The contrast with über-violent chimps is stark.

Much has been written about this in the evolutionary-psychology literature, but as I watched this documentary I couldn’t help but think about some of our autocratic leaders: Putin, Assad, Trump, Bolsonaro, Modi, Orban – they are all basically chimps, no? Violent, macho, aggressive, lacking human empathy or compassion for the millions of people they hurt and even kill.

And then our (mostly female) bonobo-like leaders: Jacinda Ardern, Sanna Marin, Angela Merkel, Joe Biden, Barack Obama. Not perfect, of course, but still kind, compassionate, empathic, pro-social. They really seem to care about other people and do their utmost to help them. Again, the contrast with the chimp-adjacent autocrats is stark.

Humans are basically good

So, even at a time like this, when it can be so upsetting and depressing just to glance at the headlines every day, remember that the vast majority of people are basically good, kind and decent. Just look at the response to the Ukrainian refugees, which (apart, I’m ashamed to say, from the UK) has been wonderfully warm and generous. Neighbouring countries like Poland and Romania have take in millions of displaced people, with ordinary citizens giving up their homes, money, food, medicine, clothes, hotel rooms, rental cars – even driving refugees hundreds of kilometers to be reunited with their families.

It fills my heart with joy to see these generous, benevolent acts. And reminds me that as a species, we might be closely related to chimps – but we are just as intimately connected to bonobos (research shows that bonobos share about 98.7% of their DNA with humans—about the same amount that chimps share with us.) So please remember that, if the world seems rather dark and scary right now. Inside your heart and mind are wondrous capacities for kindness, decency, selflessness and other beautiful qualities. Putin can never destroy that, however hard he might try.

And if you would like to do something to help, please donate to Unicef using the button below, which is working on the ground in Ukraine to help children affected by the war.

Sending you love and warm thoughts, wherever you are in the world,

Dan

Hatred is a Poison – Don't Let it into Your Heart

Image by Nathan Lindahl

Watching events unfold in Ukraine, our natural empathic response as humans is to feel shocked, upset and overwhelmed at the images we see and stories we read about this terrible war. These are normal, natural emotional responses, so allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling right now. I feel those things too.

It’s also completely natural and understandable to feel angry about what’s happening. And that anger can be a kind of healthy energy that fires us up to help in any way we can, whether that’s donating money, clothes, food or time; signing petitions and writing to our leaders, urging them to act on our behalf; welcoming refugees to our shores in any way we can; or sharing messages of support for the Ukrainian people on social and mainstream media.

Anger is like rocket fuel at times like this, as we refuse to be frightened or cowed and stand up to brutality and injustice – as our parents and grandparents did in the Second World War.

Why hatred doesn’t help

But there is one emotion that, although easy to feel at times like these, is not helpful – and that’s hatred. It can be easy to hate Putin, his inner circle, or the oligarchs who have made vast riches by stealing from the Russian people. We can find ourselves hating the soldiers who drop bombs on helpless civilians. You may find yourself hating people on social media, who express pro-Putin or pro-war sentiments.

It’s easy to do. But, however seductive hatred may be, it won’t help anyone or anything. The Buddha taught us this vital message 2,500 years ago. He called hatred a ‘poison of the mind’, because although it’s easy to feel and can be addictive at times of conflict or strife, it’s also toxic, corrosive and highly destructive to both the hater and hated.

Don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment. Think about a time recently when you hated someone – really hated them, deep down in your guts. If it helps, you can close your eyes and imagine you are right there, living through that experience again. Play it out, moment by moment, reliving everything that went through your mind – all the angry, vengeful or even violent thoughts you had about this hated person.

As you do, see if you can feel what it’s like to hate, in your body. You might feel a great upsurge in energy, a burning sensation in your gut or chest, or a bitter taste in your mouth. Your muscles will be hard and tense, ready for action. Your jaw might be clenched and fists tight. Millions of years of evolution are preparing you to fight, possibly even kill, this person you hate so much.

(I know – or at least very much hope – you have no intention of acting on these feelings, but it’s helpful to remember that this is why we feel them, in evolutionary terms. Hatred is inextricably linked to the fight part of your fight-flight-freeze response.)

The cost of hatred

Doesn’t feel so good, does it? This is what the Buddha meant by hostility and hatred poisoning our minds, because they feel so awful when we experience them. They really do feel poisonous in your mind, heart and body. And when we hate it also distorts everything, focusing all of your energies on the hated person’s negative traits, words or actions, forgetting that they are human too, with a mother and father, friends, perhaps a partner and children. They love and are loved. They’re not evil, or a monster, or some kind of subhuman creature. Even Putin. Even Hitler, Stalin or Mao.

Deeply damaged and so damaging of others? Of course. People who need to be stopped, with every non-violent tool we have at our disposal? Absolutely – we need to stand up to Putin, or he will do even more damage. Personally, I would like to see him tried for war crimes at the International Criminal Court, as well as every other tyrant causing suffering around the world.

Anger? Yes. hatred? No

But I refuse to hate him for what he’s doing in Ukraine, because if I do, he has won. The Dalai Lama teaches that we should never let another person’s behaviour disturb our inner peace. And I am trying to be guided by that wisdom, doing everything in my power to help the Ukraininan people, feeling anger, upset, outrage – but never hatred.

I feel so strongly about this that I long ago made a commitment to stop using the word ‘hate’ in my thoughts or speech (around the time I started learning about Buddhism, by the way).

I won’t let Putin or anyone else make me feel that, or break the commitment I made to myself. I refuse to let my mind be poisoned.

Instead, I am sending deep love, compassion, and a heartfelt hope for peace and an end to their suffering to the people of Ukraine.

And my warmest wishes to you, wherever you may be in the world,

Dan

Please donate to Unicef, who are helping children in Ukraine and those fleeing from the conflict in their country

A Compassionate Response to the Crisis in Ukraine

Image by Mathias PR Reding

It’s heartbreaking to watch the crisis in Ukraine unfold, as innocent people are attacked by Russia’s fearsome military machine. This situation is also deeply disturbing for the majority of Russians, who are baffled and ashamed about their country invading a neighbour. Like the rest of the world, they understand that this aggression stems from the top, where their authoritarian leader, Vladimir Putin – who seems extremely unwell, psychologically – has dragged his country into one needless conflict after another. He is obsessed with re-establishing Russia as a global superpower, whatever the human cost.

My heart goes out to everyone affected by this war – the Ukrainian citizens, who are experiencing unimaginable suffering as their homes and families are attacked; those fighting and dying on both sides – they are all human and have people who love them, whether Ukrainian or Russian; and the refugees pouring out of Ukraine every day, desperately seeking safety for themselves and their children.

One of the hardest things at a time like this is the sense of helplessness, as we watch on from afar. It can seem as though we are completely powerless and that there is nothing we can do to help. But that’s not true. There is plenty we can do – and taking action is so important right now, because it will help you feel less helpless and overwhelmed.

Two types of compassion

In her book, Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive, Kristin Neff distinguishes between two forms of self-compassion: tender and fierce. Tender self-compassion is the more familiar version, involving treating yourself with the kindness and care you would offer to a beloved partner, friend, family member or child. And we call need to offer ourselves this form of self-compassion right now, as after two years of Covid-related stress and anxiety, we don’t have much resilience or the psychological resources to handle this horrible conflict, with all the scary and upsetting media coverage we digest about it every day.

I think we can also extend this tender compassion outward, to people we know who are struggling with the news about Ukraine, comforting them or offering a hug when they are stressed or upset; donating money to some of the many charities that are helping people on the ground in Ukraine, or working with refugees pouring out of the country (I recommend UNICEF, which is helping Ukrainian children traumatised by this conflict – please donate to them using the button below); and helping refugees settle in our countries. Refugee Action and Global Giving are both excellent choices for your charitable donations.

Fierce compassion

This situation also calls for the other form of compassion: fierce compassion. As Kristin Neff explains, fierce compassion (whether for self or others) helps us say no, set limits and boundaries, use our anger to fight for what’s right, combat injustice and protect the vulnerable. We are all looking for our leaders to act with fierce compassion right now, with severe economic sanctions as long as Putin is in charge, supporting the people of Ukraine in every possible way to defend themselves and their democracy.

I also think we should all put as much pressure as we can on our leaders, through social media, petitions, contacting your MP and the Government as much as you can, so they are crystal clear about the anguish and outrage we all feel about this awful situation. If you’re in the UK and are not sure who your MP is or how to contact them, you can do so here.

Look after yourself too

Finally, make sure you take care of yourself. This crisis is incredibly stressful, of course primarily for people in Ukraine and their loved ones – it’s hard to imagine how much they are suffering right now. But it’s also stressful for all of us in Europe, watching on with anxiety about what this disturbed individual will do next.

So go easy on the news – we can stay informed about what’s going on without watching every awful video or reading all the details about what’s happening, day by day. This is especially true if you have a trauma history, because you may find this situation highly triggering, in many ways.

Sending love, solidarity and prayers for peace to the Ukrainian people.

And sending you warm thoughts, wherever you are in the world,

Dan