Think of the person in your life that you find the most rude, annoying, insensitive or otherwise difficult. Can you see them in your mind’s eye? How do you feel as you picture them? I’m guessing some combination of irritated, frustrated, upset, hostile, vulnerable, anxious or exasperated.

Now I’m going to tell you a secret. This man or woman whom you think is so difficult, isn’t actually a difficult person. Why? Because none of us are entirely difficult, just as no-one is entirely lovable, kind, generous or compassionate.

That’s because we are all complex, multifaceted individuals, made up of an internal ‘family’ of parts. Some of these parts can indeed be difficult, but that’s not the sum total of who you are, or who that ‘difficult’ person is.

How parts work

There are many different ‘parts-based’ models of therapy, but my favourite is Internal Family Systems, developed by Dr Richard Schwartz (Dick to his friends). In this model, we are all made up of a complex, interrelated system of parts. This includes young parts who hold painful thoughts, memories, feelings and body sensations from your past (so a five-year-old part holds difficult stuff from when you were five, and so on).

You also have various protector parts, whose job it is to protect those young parts and make sure they never get hurt again. These protectors also try to keep the young ones hidden away inside, because they can hold such an intense emotional charge, which the protectors fear will overwhelm you if they come bursting out.

In IFS, it’s also thought that you have a Self, which is not a part but a rich array of inner resources like calm, compassion, clarity, confidence and more (some of the 8 Cs – Dick likes alliteration!).

So think about that ‘difficult’ person again. Got them? Right, now I want you to zoom in on the most troublesome behaviour they exhibit, whether that’s being rude, critical, dismissive, or whatever. Now label that as a part – so the Critical Part, or Angry Protector, and so on.

And now (here’s the bit that will help you manage this person better) try to understand that this protector, however rude, obnoxious or hurtful, developed at a time when that person was young, vulnerable and being hurt in some way. This protector’s job is to make sure that never happens again. Some protectors are proactive, like an Angry Protector, busily doing a job to keep them safe (being snippy or harsh, lashing out to keep potential threats at bay). Others are reactive, like a Soother part that makes them drink to numb out painful feelings as quickly as possible.

Look behind the curtain

And so, I guarantee that if you were look behind the ‘curtain’ (ie behind that protector part on the surface) you would find a young one who was hurt, scared, lonely, unloved, or some other painful thing. It’s like a dog who has been mistreated. They become very barky and aggressive, but they’re actually scared – being aggressive is the best way they know to protect themselves and make sure you can’t hurt them like they were hurt before.

This idea helps me virtually every day, as I deal with the various people in my life I find hard to manage. When they are doing whatever I find annoying, I try to see them as a scared little boy or girl. And suddenly they don’t seem so powerful. I can manage and set limits with the spiky protector part without demonising the person, thinking they are ‘horrible’ or ‘nasty’. They are just hurt and doing what they have always done to keep people at bay.

I hope you find that helpful – and if you’re interested in IFS, do come along to one of my webinars and workshops, as I and my co-presenters blend concepts and practices from IFS with other highly effective models in our teaching. We have two more planned for 2022 and one a month throughout 2023 – visit healyourtrauma.com to find out more.

Sending you love and warm wishes,

Dan