When my clients tell me, ‘I really hate myself today!’ or ‘I need him to call me, even though I know he will just hurt me again,’ I often ask them, ‘Which I?’. So, which I hates and which feels hated? And which I is so attached to this guy that she doesn’t care if she’s hurt – or perhaps finds that hurt familiar, because it reminds her of her painful relationship with mum or dad.

And people often look at me with a bewildered expression on their face, because we are all used to thinking of ourselves as just me. So of course, I feel like I am Dan all the time. I think Dan thoughts and have Dan experiences and everyone who speaks to me calls me Dan. Just me. Just one, homogeneous self.

We all have many parts

But we now know that this is not how the human brain works. Your brain creates many selves, which fulfill different roles in your internal system. For example, you may have a self that goes to work every day, even when you would rather stay in bed, and can be assertive and deal with your prickly, critical boss. But you have another self that is much less confident and secure when you are in romantic relationships (which is, of course, deeply frustrating and mystifying! ‘Why am I so confident at work but crumble when my boyfriend’s mean to me?’).

You find yourself feeling and behaving differently when you go back to your family home, when you are with this (kind, supportive) or that (abrasive, critical) friend, and so on. You have many selves, or parts (and in schema therapy we call these modes). This is just how the brain works, even if we are fairly healthy and high-functioning.

But if you have experienced trauma, your brain will have created many more parts to help you cope. One part may hold particular traumatic memories, enabling you to get on with school, or work, without being flooded by painful memories and feelings all the time. Another part makes you drink to numb painful emotions. Another might push you to self-harm, or restrict food, or whatever it is you need to get through the day.

We know that trauma survivors have many parts and that these parts might be more separate and distinct than for those lucky enough not to have experienced trauma. At its most extreme, this separation of parts leads to a dissociative disorder, where people frequently move between their parts, with little awareness of this change or the other parts in their system, which clearly makes life very difficult. This can lead to ‘dissociative amnesia’, where people lose parts of their day, not remembering where they have been or what they were doing.

One bus, many passengers

Whether you are a trauma survivor or not, it’s helpful to know the bus metaphor, which my clients really like. It goes like this… There you are, driving along, with all of your parts on board a bus. There may be one or more child parts, some happy, some sad, some running around and causing all sorts of trouble. There might be a Critical Part, giving you a hard time about something or other.

Maybe there is an avoidant part, who doesn’t want to be on the bus at all – too many people! Too much noise! Or even an entitled part, who thinks he’s pretty great (certainly better than all the other loser parts on the bus). The point is, all of these parts are on your bus. And you need to make them all welcome, whether you like them or not, because they’re not getting off any time soon!

But there is only one part you want driving the bus – and that’s your Healthy Adult. He or she is the strong, resilient, mature, wise part that knows what’s best for you. And loves you – even those parts of you that are a bit hard to love. And your Healthy Adult is, or should be, in charge of all the other noisy, opinionated, impulsive parts – like the teacher in a nursery, or parent of a large family. The kids can have their say, but mum or dad should be the one making all the big decisions.

Don’t let these guys drive

Because if the angry part if driving, you might find yourself letting your irritation bubble up and snapping at your kids, which feels horrible. Or if the part who wants you to drink is at the wheel, you find yourself in the pub, alone, on a sunny Saturday morning, drowning your sorrows. And if the Critical Part is driving, it will park up, turn around and berate you about your latest ‘failing’ for an hour.

You get the idea. All of your parts are welcome to be passengers on your bus. They can all shout out ideas, opinions, suggestions. And your Healthy Adult listens, takes note, then he or she makes the decisions. Wisely. Calmly. Sensibly. And so you drive off down a road that leads to a happier, more fulfilling life – not the familiar roads that end up in dead ends or dark alleys.

If you want to know more about how to help your Healthy Adult take charge, do keep reading my blog (for example, here’s a post about using mindfulness to quiet a noisy mind), see a good schema therapist; or check out Internal Family Systems therapy, another great model which is all about getting to know, integrate and have compassion for every part in your system.

Warm wishes,

Dan