Image by Jeremy Sallee
So, I’m writing a book. Or, to be more accurate, I was writing a book and now have a whole host of options – a veritable library of potential books – whizzing through my mind. For reasons too complex to go into here, I started writing a self-help book, had a potential publishing deal on offer and had the book all mapped out from first chapter to last, but it didn’t work out. So now I have to figure out what to do next. Do I write that book? Some other version of it? Or one of the many other books I would love to write, some of which have been slowly gestating in my head for years now.
It’s confusing. And hard to choose the right path, as whichever book I eventually choose will take intense focus, a great deal of hard work and creativity – and probably a year of my life. It’s not a decision I want to take lightly. So for now, I am very much not writing a book. I am, as (my wife) Laura and I call it, in the Washing Machine of Confusion.
What’s that? Well, it’s a metaphor which viscerally describes the discombobulating, confusing and decidedly uncomfortable sensation of having to sit with not-knowing, not-deciding, not-being-certain about the road ahead. Definitely not fun, but sometimes it’s the best place to be.
Why humans hate uncertainty
The reason we both find the Washing Machine so uncomfortable is that, like most other humans, we don’t love uncertainty. I think, as with so much of what goes on in our brains, the reason for that goes back millions of years, when the architecture of the human brain was being shaped by evolution. And for most of that time, we lived in hard, hazardous environments, where other creatures/humans were trying to kill us, food was often scarce and even minor medical problems could be fatal.
So for our ancestors, being uncertain, unsure, feeling in some way out of control, all felt dangerous, because they were. If you didn’t know what lay around that bend in the path, it might be a hungry leopard. If you couldn’t tell whether that squiggle on the ground was a stick or a snake, you might tread too close and get bitten. And that would be the end of you.
Life was so hard, and so precarious, that you would want to be damn sure of as much in your environment as you possibly could. And so our fear of uncertainty was born. Which is why uncertainty makes you anxious, while being certain makes you feel safe. And feeling out of control can be horrible – especially if you’re prone to worry and anxiety – while being (or, rather, imagining that you are) 100% in control helps you feel calm and secure.
Why the washing machine is bad/good
The Buddha taught that this is how human brains operate – they seek certainty, try to be in control all the time, for the above reasons. But he also taught that this is how we create suffering, because you can’t be certain and in control all the time. It’s an illusion – like the idea of perfection. Doesn’t exist, except in the human mind. The more we try to chase after or cling on to it, or think that’s the only way we can feel calm and safe, the more anxious and stressed we become.
So with my book dilemma, a part of me wants to just make a decision. Now! Just start writing! But my wise, mature, big-picture-seeing Self knows that’s not a good idea – and has led to poor decisions in the past. Instead, I need to sit in the Washing Machine, tolerate the discomfort of not knowing, let my unconscious work away at the various book ideas until my path becomes clear.
If you struggle with this – and find yourself in the Washing Machine right now – you might find the idea of taking a mindful pause helpful in making better, more considered decisions. Here’s a practice I created for Insight Timer on that very subject: Learn How to Take a Mindful Pause. You can access it using the button below.
I hope it helps – and that you find your way out of the Washing Machine soon.
Love ❤️
Dan