How to Embrace Change, Even if it’s Scary

How are you with change? Some people love it, finding new relationships and experiences exciting and invigorating. Others find change a bit scary, unsettling or discombobulating, preferring familiar places and comfortable routines. I think I have parts of me who like both – I am excited to learn new things all the time, enjoying the feeling of having my mind stretched and preconceptions challenged. But in other ways, I like things to be comfortable and familiar. I enjoy going to my favourite restaurants, drinking the same smoothie every day after the gym, watching beloved movies over and over.

My friends and family tease me about this, knowing how much I like these well-grooved, familiar patterns of life. But my wife, Laura, and I are now embarking on a major new adventure – moving to the country. It’s exciting, as we have been on the brink of this move so many times over the years. We are finally going for it, with a range of push factors meaning it’s time to leave our cosy little flat in north London; and various pull factors drawing us to the lush countryside of East Sussex.

So if you’re more on the change-avoidant side, here are three things I have learned from this unsettling-but-exciting process of moving house, which you may find helpful too…

Feel the fear and do it anyway

In the classic self-help book by Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway: How to Turn Your Fear and Indecision Into Confidence and Action, readers were encouraged to confront their fears, rather than letting them run their lives. Almost 40 years on, this remains good advice – if we let worry and anxiety control us, we would never do anything new or difficult and stay in a narrow comfort zone where everything was predictable and familiar.

It’s helpful to remember that, for all humans, uncertainty is anxiety-provoking, as is feeling out of control. This is why we constantly seek certainty and try to be in control of everything, even though this is clearly not feasible. One of the Buddha’s great insights was that we try to be in control of everything, which is impossible, so this search for control only creates more suffering – in this case stress, frustration and anxiety. I don’t know how it’s going to be living in a small town in East Sussex. I hope it will be enjoyable, that our lives there will find a new rhythm, that we will meet kind, like-minded people. But I have to embrace the uncertainty around that, accept the loss of control I have in my familiar environment, otherwise I will inevitably suffer.

Life is constantly changing, whether we like it or not

Another of the Buddha’s profound insights was that we seek safety, certainty and comfort by wanting things to stay the same. We don’t want to age, so we spend a fortune on anti-ageing products or cosmetic treatments in a desperate attempt to slow an inexorable process. We can no more fight growing older than we can control the tides. Western science now backs up the Buddha’s 2,500-year-old wisdom, helping us understand that everything, from the atomic level on up, is in a state of flux and change.

The more I accept that I am growing older – and that my life goes through stages, different relationships, homes, phases of my career – the calmer and more content I will be. Counterintuitively, accepting change makes us far more comfortable with it. Fighting change over which we have no power only causes suffering.

How might this apply in your life? Do you find yourself clinging on tightly to things that are, in actuality, beyond your control? How are you with ageing? Do you fight or embrace it? This is not to say that we should passively accept our fate and never try to grow or change, or resist destructive forces like climate change or injustice. But the old AA saying applies, that we should try to change what we can and accept what we can’t. Otherwise we inevitably suffer.

There are cycles and seasons to Life

Laura says she thinks in 10-year cycles of her life, which I think is characteristically wise. We have lived in this flat for around 10 years. And we lived in the last one for about 10 years before that. So maybe this next stage will last around a decade, then we can try something else, maybe somewhere else. And this is how life goes, no? We have the big, meta seasons of life: childhood, young adulthood, middle and old age. Other cultures knew this and people lived their lives accordingly. There were rituals, stories, rhythms to life. This shared understanding helped make ageing easier, as it was a communally shared flow, not an individual struggle.

What are the cycles of your life? Are they clear? This might be a good journalling exercise, to look back at your life in decades and think where you lived, who your friends/partners were in these different life stages, your values and goals, hopes and dreams. It’s interesting to see these change through life, even the things we thought were profoundly important to us or a bedrock of our existence when we were younger.

For example, I used to have a deep, burning desire to be a novelist. I even wrote three (unpublished!) novels when I was younger, had an agent and was on the cusp of becoming a published author, but it didn’t work out. Although that was painful at the time, I now see that this was how I learned to write – through the process of writing. This led to a first career in journalism and later as a psychotherapist who writes extensively, including posts like this one. I don’t think I will ever write another novel and I’m fine with that. Different life stage. Different season.

So as we start the somewhat gruelling process of packing boxes, clearing 10 years of unloved and unwanted stuff from our loft and all the other mundanity of buying and selling a property, although parts of me are nervous about all this change, most of me is excited, ready. It’s time for a new season – one which will, I hope, make us both happy. In the peace and tranquillity of the countryside. Watch this space to find out how it goes!

The practice

Whenever you feel anxious or stressed about change, it’s always helpful to breathe your way through it. This will calm and soothe your nervous system, giving you a little more mindfulness and non-reactive space in which to make a calmer, clearer decision. You can try one of my breathwork practices on Insight Timer, Ease Your Stress with Colour Breathing, which you can listen to now by clicking on the button below. I hope it helps.

Love,

Dan ❤️

Are You in the Washing Machine of Confusion?

Image by Jeremy Sallee

So, I’m writing a book. Or, to be more accurate, I was writing a book and now have a whole host of options – a veritable library of potential books – whizzing through my mind. For reasons too complex to go into here, I started writing a self-help book, had a potential publishing deal on offer and had the book all mapped out from first chapter to last, but it didn’t work out. So now I have to figure out what to do next. Do I write that book? Some other version of it? Or one of the many other books I would love to write, some of which have been slowly gestating in my head for years now.

It’s confusing. And hard to choose the right path, as whichever book I eventually choose will take intense focus, a great deal of hard work and creativity – and probably a year of my life. It’s not a decision I want to take lightly. So for now, I am very much not writing a book. I am, as (my wife) Laura and I call it, in the Washing Machine of Confusion.

What’s that? Well, it’s a metaphor which viscerally describes the discombobulating, confusing and decidedly uncomfortable sensation of having to sit with not-knowing, not-deciding, not-being-certain about the road ahead. Definitely not fun, but sometimes it’s the best place to be.

Why humans hate uncertainty

The reason we both find the Washing Machine so uncomfortable is that, like most other humans, we don’t love uncertainty. I think, as with so much of what goes on in our brains, the reason for that goes back millions of years, when the architecture of the human brain was being shaped by evolution. And for most of that time, we lived in hard, hazardous environments, where other creatures/humans were trying to kill us, food was often scarce and even minor medical problems could be fatal.

So for our ancestors, being uncertain, unsure, feeling in some way out of control, all felt dangerous, because they were. If you didn’t know what lay around that bend in the path, it might be a hungry leopard. If you couldn’t tell whether that squiggle on the ground was a stick or a snake, you might tread too close and get bitten. And that would be the end of you.

Life was so hard, and so precarious, that you would want to be damn sure of as much in your environment as you possibly could. And so our fear of uncertainty was born. Which is why uncertainty makes you anxious, while being certain makes you feel safe. And feeling out of control can be horrible – especially if you’re prone to worry and anxiety – while being (or, rather, imagining that you are) 100% in control helps you feel calm and secure.

Why the washing machine is bad/good

The Buddha taught that this is how human brains operate – they seek certainty, try to be in control all the time, for the above reasons. But he also taught that this is how we create suffering, because you can’t be certain and in control all the time. It’s an illusion – like the idea of perfection. Doesn’t exist, except in the human mind. The more we try to chase after or cling on to it, or think that’s the only way we can feel calm and safe, the more anxious and stressed we become.

So with my book dilemma, a part of me wants to just make a decision. Now! Just start writing! But my wise, mature, big-picture-seeing Self knows that’s not a good idea – and has led to poor decisions in the past. Instead, I need to sit in the Washing Machine, tolerate the discomfort of not knowing, let my unconscious work away at the various book ideas until my path becomes clear.

If you struggle with this – and find yourself in the Washing Machine right now – you might find the idea of taking a mindful pause helpful in making better, more considered decisions. Here’s a practice I created for Insight Timer on that very subject: Learn How to Take a Mindful Pause. You can access it using the button below.

I hope it helps – and that you find your way out of the Washing Machine soon.

Love ❤️

Dan

What is the Point of Anxiety?

Image by Francesco

If you struggle with high levels of anxiety you may, understandably, wish you could never feel anxious again. If there was a big switch marked ‘Anxiety’, you would probably flick it to the OFF position and hope it stayed that way for the rest of your life. And no wonder – anxiety is a horrible feeling, especially when you experience it intensely and on a regular basis. No-one likes feeling anxious.

But when I am helping my clients with chronic anxiety, one of the first things I do is explain why humans experience anxiety, the function of this uncomfortable emotion both in terms of evolution and neurology – how it shows up in your nervous system, including your brain. The first thing to understand about anxiety is that it’s supposed to feel uncomfortable. That’s so you can’t just ignore it and carry on with your day.

To understand this properly, let’s jump into a time machine and journey back 10,000 years, to meet one of your ancestors living on the African savannah. She would be living with a small tribe of hunter-gatherers, in a village surrounded by a fence constructed from the spikiest branches they could find. Why? Because outside that fence would be very large, very hungry animals who wanted to eat them.

Anxiety is an alarm signal

Let’s say your ancestor left the village with two other women to forage for berries, roots, plants and whatever they could find to feed their families that day. As she walked across the savannah, she noticed the grass to her left start rustling. And she froze, as the threat system in her brain first detected the threat and then – in split seconds – decide how to respond. Thinking it might be one of the lions that often hunted near this spot, her brain cycled through the options of fight, flee or freeze and decided fleeing was her best chance of survival.

So her amygdala – a small structure in the brain whose primary job is mobilising the rest of the brain and body to deal with threats – gave her a massive jolt of anxiety to signal, Run! At the same time, the amygdala engaged with other parts of her brain to give your ancestor a shot of adrenaline and cortisol, quicken her breathing and heart rate to pump oxygenated blood to the major muscles in her arms and legs. And she ran, fast, until the potentially-a-lion threat was far behind her.

And this is what anxiety is for – to tell you that:

1. There is a threat.

2. And you should do something about it, urgently.

For your ancestor, this whole mind-body process might just have saved her life. And even in our 21st-century world, which is far safer than the one she lived in, anxiety will probably have saved your life, or the life of a loved one. This is why we should never try to get rid of anxiety completely, even if we could, because it can quite literally be a life-saver.

Calming your nervous system is key

I hope that gives you some idea of why you feel so anxious – and why that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The problem is, for most of us, our anxiety is not triggered by lions in the grass, but by a nasty email from your boss, warning letter from the bank or critical comment from a family member. These are all threatening, hence the spike of anxiety they trigger, but not in the life-or-death way those rather primitive parts of your brain are designed to save you from.

So rather than trying to shut down your anxiety, or get rid of it, the key is first learning to accept this normal, healthy and in fact vital emotion. Then finding tools and techniques to bring your dysregulated nervous system back into balance, calming, soothing and reassuring parts of your brain like the amygdala that are yelling ‘lion!’ when there is none.

If you are really struggling with your anxiety, I would encourage you to find a skilled therapist to help heal whatever wounds from your past are making you feel so anxious right now. And this therapy, as well as any other healing tools you employ, should focus on helping calm and soothe your overheated nervous system. You can do that right now, using this Compassionate Breathing technique I recently blogged about.

I would also recommend anything that feels calming or soothing for you, like self-help books and podcasts from therapists/other healers you trust, yoga, tai chi, hugs from your beloved pet/partner/kids/close friends or family members, relaxing massage or soothing music/TV shows/movies. Really anything that helps you feel calmer, safer and more at peace will be good for your anxious brain. Over time, this will reduce the flow of stress hormones like cortisol into your bloodstream, while increasing pleasurable, calming hormones like oxytocin and endorphins.

If you would like to know more about anxiety and how to manage it you may also find my latest Insight Timer course, Easing Worry & Anxiety with Internal Family Systems, helpful – if so, just click the button below to find out more.

And my Insight Timer collection has a wide range of meditations, breathwork techniques, guided imagery, sleep stories and much more to help with problems like stress, anxiety and depression.

I hope that helps – sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

Feeling Anxious or Stressed? My Colour Breathing Practice Will Help

Colour Breathing is a highly effective technique to help when you’re feeling stressed, anxious, upset, angry or any other negative emotion. In this short video, I guide you through the practice, which will help you feel calmer, more relaxed and at peace. Used daily, Colour Breathing will help calm your mind, body and nervous system.

I hope that helps – for more techniques like this, including breathwork, self-compassion, IFS and mindfulness techniques, visit my Insight Timer collection by clicking on the button below.

Love ❤️

Dan

Announcing My New Course: Easing Worry & Anxiety with Internal Family Systems

Image by Giulia Bertelli

I am pleased to announce the launch of my second Premium Audio Course for Insight Timer – Easing Worry & Anxiety with Internal Family Systems. If you sign up to this six-day course today you will learn why you feel so anxious, starting with the evolutionary and neurological roots of anxiety, explaining why it’s a crucial emotion for us all to feel, because it alerts us to threats and helps us react to them, quickly if need be.

Understanding why you feel so anxious is a key step in learning to accept it, because anxiety is something we all feel and is an important alarm signal when things need our attention. And then helping you ease it over time – this course will help you start to feel calmer, safer, and more at peace, step by step.

Over the six days you will also learn about internal family systems therapy, which is one of the fastest growing and most popular models of therapy in the world right now. As an Internal Family Systems Therapist, I use this warm, compassionate, and highly effective treatment approach with my clients and in my teaching, because it offers a revolutionary way of understanding problems like chronic anxiety.

Meeting your young, anxious part

You will learn that this anxiety comes from an anxious young part of you, holding painful thoughts, feelings, and memories of difficult experiences in your childhood. To ease your anxiety, you need to learn how to connect with, understand and soothe this anxious little boy or girl inside.

I will also teach you that worry comes from another part of you, called the Worrier. Again, you will learn how to accept and even value this protective part, because it’s just trying to help, even if the way it does so can be stressful and exhausting at times.

I hope you join me on this transformative six-day journey, which includes theories and techniques drawn from my many years of helping clients better manage their anxiety. As well as trauma-informed teaching about the mind-body source of problematic anxiety, I will lead you through powerful calming techniques including breathwork and guided-imagery exercises, drawn from IFS and other trauma-informed therapy models.

The course is free if you become a Member Plus Supporter. This costs just $60 for 12 months of high-quality content like this on the Insight Timer app from me and thousands of other leading teachers. ⁠

Try it now by visiting my Insight Timer collection or clicking on the button below. ⁠

I hope you find it insightful and healing. ⁠

Love ❤️⁠

Dan

Feeling Stressed? My Compassionate Breathing Practice Will Help

Here is a video of my Compassionate Breathing practice. You can use this any time you're feeling stressed, anxious, upset, agitated or if you're dealing with any kind of difficult emotion.

I hope you find it helpful – you will find this practice, as well as many other breathing techniques, mindfulness, self-compassion and IFS meditations, as well as guided-imagery techniques, in my Insight Timer collection: insighttimer.com/danrobertstherapy

Love ❤️

Dan

If You Struggle With Climate Anxiety, this Book Will Give You Hope

Image by Margot Richard

How do you feel about climate change? I’m guessing that, like most of us who take this problem seriously, you might find it worrying but try not to think about it too much. You do what you can – eat less meat, try not to fly, sign endless petitions – but try not to let it dominate your day-to-day life.

On a good day, this is how I deal with it too – doing what I can but trying not to get too freaked out. But I have to be honest, on bad days it really scares me. We are already seeing major impacts like melting glaciers, climate change-intensified hurricanes, forest fires, droughts and flooding. And unless humanity wakes up soon, we are in big trouble.

I think one of the less-reported aspects of climate change is its impact on our mental health, especially among the young. In a YouGov survey last year, one in three young people in Britain reported feeling scared (33%), sad (34%) or pessimistic (34%) about climate change, with 28% feeling ‘overwhelmed’. This breaks my heart for those young people, but it’s not surprising, because they will be most affected by climate change throughout the course of their lifetime. If you are a parent or grandparent, you may also be deeply worried about the kind of planet we will bequeath the next generation and the one after that – this is one reason why so many eco-activists are grandparents. They get it and feel compelled to act.

Reasons to be hopeful

So far, so gloomy. Which is why I am happy to tell you about the book I am currently reading, Not the End of the World: Why We Can Be the First Generation to Build a Sustainable Planet, by Hannah Ritchie. She is a data scientist at Oxford University and tells the story of feeling so freaked out as a student studying Earth Sciences, that she almost changed career. The onslaught of anxiety-provoking lectures on her course – and especially the stories about climate disasters she obsessively read in the media – were just overwhelming.

But this is a profoundly hopeful and optimistic book, because Ritchie argues that when you look at the actual data and key trends in energy use, pollution reduction, and so on, the real story is very different from the one we see in the media.

Let me be clear: Ritchie is no climate denier. She is a scientist who understands and accepts the prevailing scientific view – that climate change is real, it’s happening now, is man-made and unless we act fast to limit rising temperatures, humanity and all life on Earth is in big trouble. It’s just that she makes a compelling case that we have already made huge strides, at unprecedented speed, for example in decarbonising our energy production. In many industrialised countries we have virtually phased out the most polluting/carbon-emitting coal-fired power stations and rapidly developed green energies like solar, wind, hydroelectric and (somewhat controversially) nuclear.

Clean energy is now cheaper than its fossil-fuel alternatives and this will accelerate the more we adopt it at scale. This change is inevitable – as is the switch to electric cars/buses/trucks. As the cost of these green energies and modes of transport plummets, there is literally no reason not to make the switch, despite the increasingly devious and desperate tactics of the fossil-fuel industry. Sorry folks, this change is inevitable, whether you want it to be or not.

We have solved global problems before

Another argument I found really powerful and persuasive is that the global community has overcome two major environmental challenges before: acid rain in the 1980s and the ozone hole in the 1990s. In both cases, these were serious problems that required the global community to work together, despite resistance from the polluting industries that were causing the problems. And what led to the changes? Intense pressure from the public.

This led politicians to act, global treaties to be signed, industry to grudgingly change its polluting behaviour and, in both cases, drastic reductions in the harm to our environment. Now, climate change is a much bigger and more complex problem, but Ritchie argues – and I strongly believe – that if we all put enough pressure on our politicians, as well as using our consumer power to boycott the most climate-wrecking corporations/energy sources, we can solve this problem.

So if you or someone you love is struggling with climate anxiety, I strongly recommend you buy this book. It’s also packed with suggestions about how we, as individuals and communities, can make changes in the way we eat, shop and travel that can make a big difference. I am feeling hopeful about this problem for the first time in years, so I hope it will help you feel the same way too.

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

Are You Anxious About Climate Change? Taking Compassionate Action Will Help

Image by Ronan Furuta

My mission in life is to help people feel calmer, safer and more at peace. That’s what I do, all day, in my therapy practice. It’s what I try to do in my teaching and writing, including these posts for my blog. The last thing I would ever want is to make you, my lovely reader, feel more anxious.

But if there is one thing we should all feel anxious about right now, it’s climate change. That’s because the science overwhelmingly tells us that climate change is real, humans are causing it, it’s here right now and will only get worse, unless we take drastic action to minimise the damage. After a summer in which most of southern Europe seemed to be on fire, today’s news brings another terrible wildfire, fanned by hurricane-strength winds.

This time it’s in Hawaii and has caused devastation, as well as a tragic number of fatalities, on the island of Maui. Let’s all take a moment to pause, close our eyes, and send our love and strength to those affected by this awful fire, as well as the many other climate change-linked tragedies around the world.

At the same time as we watch these disasters unfold with increasing regularity, most of our leaders seem unable to grasp the scale of the problem. There are notable exceptions, like President Biden, who may not have a perfect record on climate change, but does recognise that we face a climate emergency and has invested vast sums into transitioning the US economy to clean energy (which has boosted the economy, reduced inflation and created jobs). He deserves far more praise and gratitude from the public than he gets.

Climate crisis = mental-health crisis

I’m sorry if this is reading more like an impassioned opinion piece than a mental-health blog post/newsletter – I am very passionate about this subject, as I think we all need to be right now. But I also think it is a mental-health issue, because so many people – especially the young, who understand climate change best and will be most affected by it – are incredibly anxious, stressed and depressed about our deteriorating climate, as well as the threat to wildlife and our natural world that climate change is causing.

And the real point of this post is to say: please don’t let climate-change anxiety overwhelm and paralyse you. That’s not good for you, but it’s also exactly what the fossil fuel industry wants. They want us to be so freaked out that we think, what can I do? This problem is far too big for me to change, so I will let the politicians work it out and keep flying multiple times a year, eating meat every day and driving my SUV.

In fact, things are far more optimistic than that, because small actions we all take can make a real difference to this big problem. We also know that taking compassionate action like this is hugely beneficial for our mental health, helping with problems like anxiety and depression, so it’s a win-win. I really don’t want to lecture or patronise you, because I’m sure you already do plenty and are trying your best, but a few suggestions would be:

• Eat less meat, especially beef and pork, which not only contribute to climate change but also Amazon deforestation (a key driver of deforestation is for industrial agriculture, using the land to grow soy beans to feed cattle)

• Swap your petrol or diesel car for a hybrid or, even better, electric car. Using more public transport, cycling and walking would also be great (and get you fitter too!)

• Fly less – perhaps once a year, for your family holiday. The vast majority of flights are taken by a small minority of people, so we can all make a difference by choosing a staycation or taking the train on holiday (which is also a far more enjoyable way to travel than flying)

• Use your vote to support the greenest party or politician wherever you live. And pester your politicians and government to do much more – like transitioning to net zero as quickly as possible

• Use your consumer power (something I think we massively underestimate) to pressure corporations into using less plastic, not buying meat or timber products sourced from the Amazon, and much more. Sadly, many CEOs only care about profit margins, so let’s hit them where it hurts, by boycotting the worst offenders and letting them know why we won’t shop with them until they improve

• And try supporting some of the many charities and pressure groups driving the green revolution, like Earthed, Possible, Avaaz, the WWF, 350.org, Extinction Rebellion, Just Stop Oil and Greenpeace, who you can donate to using the button below

As I said earlier, please don’t let climate-change anxiety overwhelm you. This is a solvable crisis and we have all the solutions we need, right now. We, as the global human family, just need to act on them. Let’s do so today to make this beautiful, miraculous planet a safe, green paradise for our children and every generation that follows them.

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

Are You a Perfectionist? Here’s Why That is Not Your Fault

Image by Mohamed Hassan

I read a lot of self-help books – and I mean, a lot of self-help books. I do this for various reasons. First, I enjoy them – I am fascinated by psychology and can’t get enough of new ideas, research and theories about why we all do what we do. Second, it’s my job – as a therapist, I am always looking for new and helpful techniques, innovative ways of thinking or changing entrenched habits. And third, I aim to write my own self-help book in the next few years, so I need a deep understanding of what has already been written, what is good about these books and what is not so good, as a reader.

If I’m honest, I stop reading most of these books halfway through, because often they have a great idea, tell you all about it in chapters one to three and then, well, repeat it in various ways until I get bored and give up. So the mark of a great book for me is that it holds my attention from first page to last. Not many books manage that, so I’m always delighted when I find one that does.

I am currently on page 211 of 253 of my latest book, so I’m pretty confident this wins the Hold Dan’s Attention award! It’s The Perfection Trap: The Power of Good Enough in a World That Always Wants More, by Thomas Curran, a professor of psychology at the prestigious London School of Economics. And it’s great – strongly recommended holiday reading, if you’re about to hit the beach.

Are you a perfectionist?

Let’s start here, because you may well think you’re not that perfectionistic. And you might not be, of course, or you might just not recognise this trait in yourself. Full disclosure time – until reading this book, I didn’t realise quite how perfectionistic I was! In fact, when I got annoyed with the book after a few chapters and said, huffily, ‘Why are so many of these damn books so bad?’ my long-suffering wife, Laura, laughed and said, ‘Oh my god. I can’t believe you’re being perfectionistic about a book on perfectionism!’

Crap, I thought, she’s right. My high standards for books (and music, movies, meditations, workshops, newspaper articles and much more) were always a badge of honour for me. I thought it meant I had good taste and high standards, not just accepting any old rubbish.

But I now see this is all part of my perfectionsim, what Curran calls Other-Oriented Perfectionism (this is one of three kinds, along with the Self-Oriented and Socially-Prescribed versions). My standards, it turns out, are way too high, both for myself and others. Sheepishly, I started reading again…

Where does perfectionism come from?

Another wake-up call in reading this book was just how much of my perfectionism – and yours, I’m guessing – comes from existing in a culture that intentionally creates it in us. Curran argues, convincingly, that the ‘supply-side’ economics of capitalism mean industrialised economies like those of the UK or US must continually grow to survive. And to keep growing, we all have to keep consuming – more TVs, iPhones, anti-ageing cream, high heels, washing machines, laptops and the rest – all the time.

What makes us buy all this stuff? A fiendishly clever advertising industry that makes us all feel insecure, on purpose, to then tell us, ‘What you need to feel happy is this holiday, or that new watch.’ With the advent of social media platforms like Instagram or TikTok, this manufactured insecurity has reached new heights – which is why, says Curran, so many young people are so unhappy now. They are constantly told they are not thin, pretty, athletic, smart, muscular, popular or cool enough.

They feel a profound sense of not being good enough, so aspire to perfection to try and feel better. Work harder, hustle, grind your way through school, university and the increasingly insecure, gig-economy-dominated world of work and one day you will make it! Just not today – so go and buy yourself a £4 Frappuccino from Starbucks to make yourself feel better.

You are enough, just as you are

Something I am always telling my clients (and myself) is that you are enough, right now. Just as you are. You are beautiful whether you’re skinny or not, perma-tanned or not, short or tall, young or old, wealthy or broke. You are a glorious, miraculous living being, with a body that is made of stardust; and a brain that is the most complex object in the known universe.

You, I hope, have people you love and who love you. As I have written before in these posts, that is the most important thing about your life – the relationships that support and nurture you as you move through it. Not money. Not fancy degrees. Not living like some Instagram influencer. The real purpose of life is to love and be loved.

So please don’t waste your life in a frantic scramble for something that is not real and certainly not achievable. Take it from me – perfectionism is a sure road to unhappiness. Instead, go for a good enough life filled with joy, richness, meaning and, above all, love.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

Ease Your Stress with Colour Breathing

Image by J Lee

How are you feeling, right now? Sadly, for many of us the answer would be anxious, agitated, irritable, frazzled – and, most of all, stressed. That’s because we live in a very stressful time, with challenges to our mental and physical health that our ancestors could not have imagined in their wildest dreams.

One of my recent posts was all about exercise – and why it’s such a crucial element of looking after both mind and body. But, as we all know, many of us don’t get enough exercise or simply move our bodies enough, throughout the day. We also consume too much caffeine and alcohol, as well as eating excessive amounts of sugary, processed and otherwise unhealthy food. This idea – that, for those of us in industrialised countries like the UK, the most damaging thing to our health is excess – is a very new one, because for most of human history we didn’t have enough, of anything.

Your ancestors, and mine, spent large portions of their day walking for mile after mile, hunting prey or searching for seasonal fruits, seeds and edible roots. They often had to endure periods of hardship and even famine. Life was dominated by not having enough food, rather than too much of it.

So it’s a weird time to be human. Too much stuff. Too much sitting. Too much junk food, constantly within reach, that tastes good but damages your body.

Busyness as a badge of honour

The other weird thing about being a 21st-century human is just how hectic and stressful day-to-day life is. We are all (myself included) so damn busy these days, aren’t we? Everyone I know spends most of their waking hours rushing around, meeting one deadline after another, working long days – in fact, working all the time, because work follows us home now, in a way it never used to. And, weirdly, this busyness has become a badge of honour – it’s something to be proud of, a goal in itself to fill our days with being ‘productive’, allowing no time to rest and be still.

I’m currently reading a brilliant book about how our attention has been hijacked by the goals, values and imperatives of capitalism in general and Big Tech in particular. And how to resist the constant pressure to be busy, distracted, hopping from one screen to the next from the moment we wake until we fall into a restless, fitful sleep. How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy, by writer and artist Jenny Odell, champions time spent doing very little. Taking a break from the endless scrolling. Allowing yourself to be offline. Time to think, muse, daydream. It’s so important for the health of your brain, but so hard to do these days.

So, if your answer to the above question was ‘a bit stressed’, here’s a practice I created just for you. As regular readers will know, I am a big fan of mindfulness, as well as breathwork and other body-based practices to help manage tricky emotions and experiences. I love this practice because it combines those three things will adding an imaginary, visual element – which will provide a ‘healthy distraction’ if your mind is currently scattered and racing from one stressful thought to the next.

The practice

• Start by finding a comfortable sitting posture, on a straight-backed chair. Let your feet be flat and grounded on the floor. Gently roll your shoulders back and feel your chest open up, your lungs feeling expansive and open. This will help you breathe freely and deeply

• Close your eyes, if that feels comfortable for you, or soften and lower your gaze

• Scan your body and notice what you’re feeling, emotionally. You might be upset, angry, hurt, shocked, scared, threatened, agitated or feeling some other negative emotion

• Just let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling, for a few seconds

• Now focus on your body and mindfully scan your face, throat, arms, hands, chest, back and belly

• What do you notice? Perhaps tense, tight muscles. Maybe a sense of heat or rising energy in your chest. You might feel a tight knot, churning sensation or butterflies in your stomach

• There is no right or wrong way to feel, so just lean into whatever somatic sensations you are experiencing right now

• Check in with your posture, again rolling your shoulders back and letting them drop. Make sure you are sitting in an upright but relaxed posture

• Start slowing and deepening your breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Let your breaths be slow, deep and even, counting to four on the in-breath and four on the out-breath

• Keep breathing – slow, deep, smooth and steady, for a minute

• If you find yourself distracted by thoughts, memories, plans, worries or anything else, that’s perfectly normal. Your mind might keep circling back to whatever stressful situation you’re dealing with right now, which is fine. But when you notice you are distracted, just keep gently bringing your attention back to your body, back to the breath

• As you breathe in, know you’re breathing in. As you breathe out, know you’re breathing out

• Keep breathing deeply for another minute

• Now let’s add another element to this practice – as you breathe in, visualise a soothing colour. For some people that might be pink, purple, blue, green or gold, but just pick a colour that seems soothing for you

• And as you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in your soothing colour. See it travel in through your nostrils and down your throat, as it fills your lungs, chest, back and belly

• See your whole torso light up with this warm, gently soothing colour. Enjoy that for a minute

• Then on the out-breath, imagine you are expelling all that stressful energy – again, pick a colour that best represents your stressful feelings, which might be black, grey, red or some other strong colour

• As you breathe out, imagine exhaling every molecule of stress, blowing it out through your mouth like smoke, so it leaves your body for good and vanishes into the atmosphere

• Breathing in your soothing colour, breathing out your stress… Stay with that for a minute

• Again, if you get distracted it’s fine, just gently bring your attention back to your body, back to the breath, back to those colours flowing in and out for another minute

• Now you can let go of visualising the breath in this way and allow your breathing to find its natural rhythm

• Let go of all efforts and just sit, peacefully, feeling a sense of calm, ease and relaxation in your body and mind. Just enjoy that for a minute

• Then bring your focus to the weight of your body resting on the chair. Your feet on the ground. Sounds reaching your ears from all around

• Then when you’re ready, slowly open your eyes

• Now re-engage with the external world, carrying these feelings of calm, contentment and peace into the rest of your day

I hope you find that helpful – I will record this practice soon and add it to my Insight Timer collection, so you can listen whenever you need to de-stress and find a little calm and peace in your day.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

What Are Trailheads in Internal Family Systems Therapy?

Image by Ethan Unzicker

Jargon can be a real turn-off, don’t you think? And the world of psychotherapy is full of it. You can’t move for initials like CBT, DBT, ACT or MBCT and daunting-sounding words like countertransference, metacognitive or subcortical. It’s a pain, I know.

So I start this post with an apology – I have one more piece of jargon for you, but it’s a useful one, so bear with me... In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, there is a useful concept known as a trailhead. What the heck is that? Well, a trailhead is a thought, feeling, body sensation, memory, image or any other experience that we think is a communication from one of your parts. I won’t explain parts here because I have written about them extensively in recent posts, but here’s a useful guide to them and the IFS model in general.

So the trailhead is a starting point, a clue, an indication that something’s up and we need to investigate further. Let me give you an example. If you struggle with worry and anxiety, you will experience a number of somatic (more jargon, sorry! Just means you experience it in your body) sensations like tense muscles, racing heart rate, feeling hot or sweaty, butterflies or a knot in your stomach, tension in your neck and shoulders… Any or all of these could be a trailhead, because in IFS we think the anxiety comes from a scared, young part.

Following the trail

Understanding your mind, brain, nervous system and body in this way is, I think, incredibly helpful. Because if you just think ‘I’m so anxious’, or ‘I’m really panicky right now,’ it’s as if all of you is anxious, vulnerable and feeling powerless to calm yourself down. As soon as we say, ‘A part of me is so anxious,’ or ‘A part of me is really panicky right now,’ everything changes. Because you now have a scared young part who needs calming and comforting – and a you who isn’t that part, who has the resources to be calming and comforting.

This is a crucial step. I see this in my consulting room (and in myself) every single day – this simple shift can be so freeing and powerful, because many of my clients have felt paralysed and gripped by their anxiety, depression, substance abuse or whatever they were struggling with for years, as if they had no power, agency or control over these painful symptoms or behaviours.

But you are not powerless, not a victim, not helpless. There is a resource in you we call your Self, which is calm, compassionate, loving, wise and healing. And this resource can help you overcome any obstacle, however daunting. How do I know this? Because you are a walking miracle, with a billion miscroscopic processes happening inside you every single day.

Healing inner resources

You have flu, you recover. You break your leg, the bone knits together and heals. You drink the socially acceptable poison known as alcohol and your poor liver processes the toxins and helps flush them out of your body. Cells die, cells are born. Food and drink are digested and excreted. All of this happening, all the time, without any conscious input from you.

And so it is with your wounded little parts, who desperately need help – and the other parts who protect those little ones, with whatever means they have available. All of these parts need healing. And your Self can do just that, if we help you access these wonderful, rich, healing resources inside.

Not easy, but doable – for me and you, however impossible that might seem right now. Whatever you have experienced in your life. However long you have been trying, struggling, falling down. It could happen today, with the right help and support.

If you would like to experience IFS, try my Insight Timer practice, How to Comfort Your Inner Child: IFS Meditation. You can listen now by clicking on the button below.

Love,

Dan ❤️

Christmas Survival Guide – How to De-Stress the Holidays

Take a close look at this picture. The perfect family Christmas – even the dog looks full of festive cheer. And how closely does this resemble your family Christmas? I thought so. This holiday season does bring lovely moments, if we’re lucky – but can also be stressful, lonely, upsetting, conflict-filled and generally tough for many of us.

So, in the spirit of seasonal giving, here are my three top tips to survive the holidays, relatively intact:

1. Stop believing that silly pictures like this one represent actual Christmas. Sorry, I know I put it there. But still, at this time of year we are bombarded with ads, photos in the media – both mainstream and social – of perfect Christmas scenes, with happy families unwrapping presents under the tree, cavorting in the snow outside their huge house, and toasting each other over groaning tables of immaculately presented food.

   For most of us, even if we’re lucky enough to have a family – and luckier still to have a family we actually get on with – this is just a fantasy. If we’re doing the prep we shop and wrap and chop and cook and clean and tidy and frantically try to make sure everyone has a nice time.

   It’s so damn stressful… and for what? One or two days of our lives. So start by accepting that this is not how Christmas is, or even should be. It’s about love, and rest, and gratitude that we even have enough food to eat, or a warm house to celebrate in, which many people in the UK and around the world will not this year.

2. Take the pressure off, wherever possible. Does everyone really need all those presents? How many of them are destined for landfill, or at best charity shops, by the end of January? And what’s it doing to the planet, all that tinsel and plastic and electronic stuff that none of us really need. Sorry if this sounds Scrooge-ish (my family do tell me I’m a bit of a Grinch at this time of year!) but it’s also about looking after yourself, your mental health – and your bank balance. Many of us are struggling financially right now, so the last thing we can afford is buying vast numbers of presents for everyone we know.

   Why not get everyone just one present. Something thoughtful (and ideally plastic-free) that they will actually love and use and keep for years to come. A life-changing book you read this year. A beautiful, well-made piece of clothing you know they will love. How about making something, if you are artistically inclined? Or writing them a letter, telling them how much they mean to you and all the reasons you love and appreciate them. Better than socks, no?

3. Make this a compassionate Christmas. One of our friends, who is of Indian heritage and whose family doesn’t do Christmas, spends a week volunteering at Crisis every year. She helps homeless people have a break from the cold streets – they get somewhere warm to sleep, clean clothes, hot showers, healthcare, a haircut, gifts and lots of lovely food. It can be life-changing, if you live on the streets and are treated as an irritation to be avoided and ignored most of the year.

   And of course it’s a great gift for her, because giving of herself in this kind, altruistic way helps her mental health. We know from extensive research that compassionate acts like this are just as good for us as they are for the beneficiaries of our compassion. You don’t have to volunteer for a week, but perhaps a day at your local homeless shelter or food bank? How about inviting that lonely elderly person on your street for Christmas lunch?

   Or buying all your gifts from the Choose Love shop, say, which helps refugees around the world get through the winter. They need all the love and help they can get right now, in my country and yours, wherever you are in the world. And giving like this – freely, without expecting anything in return – just feels good, doesn’t it? Humans are wired to be altruistic and pro-social in this way, so you get a lovely little dopamine hit in your brain whenever you perform a benevolent act. The very definition of a win-win.

This will be my last blog post/newsletter of the year, so I would like to say thank you to you all, from the bottom of my heart, for supporting my Heal Your Trauma project throughout 2022. This non-profit project is also a compassionate act, from the whole HYT team, trying to help everyone, everywhere with their mental health. And we couldn’t do this without your support, so a profound thank you for that.

I hope you have a restful, mindful and restorative holiday season. And look forward to reconnecting with you in the new year.

Sending you love and warm wishes,

Dan

Why Do We Worry? And is it Always a Problem?

Would you call yourself a worrier? And if so, what kinds of things do you habitually worry about? Let me take a guess… My hunch is that your worries take the form of ‘what if…’ thoughts, like ‘What if I lost my job? How would I cope? Would we lose our home? Would my wife leave me?’

Or, ‘What if I make a fool of myself giving that speech at my daughter’s wedding? What if my mind just goes blank and I can’t remember what to say? Everyone would think I’m a pathetic loser. That would be horrendous – I would never live it down.’

Our worries commonly show up as these ‘what if…’ thoughts for a few reasons:

1. Worries are always future-focused. We never worry about things that have already happened. And that’s why worry (a cognitive process) is linked with anxiety (a feeling), which is also future/threat-focused. So we worry about bad stuff that could happen, imminently or further down the line.

2. Worries are often catastrophic. Not always, of course – worries range from mild to severe. But they often involve ‘catastrophising’, because that’s what worry is for – imagining worst-case scenarios and how we could cope with them. So in the above example, losing his job led to losing the house and potentially divorce, rather than simply having to downsize or rent for a while.

3. Worry involves ‘bridge-crossing’. This links to the future-focused idea, because when we worry we are crossing every potential bridge on the road ahead, seeing where they all lead and how best to cross them. Some of those bridges we may well have to cross, but probably 99% of them we won’t, which is one reason that worry can be stressful, exhausting and potentially very unhelpful. We live through a vast number of horrible imagined situations, most of which never actually happen.

Worry is not a bad thing, per se

I have had many clients who worry in an obsessional, relentless and exhausting way – so for them, worry is definitely unhelpful. But I tell even these people that worry is not a bad thing, per se – it’s the way we worry that’s tricky.

Let’s do a thought experiment. Imagine that a team of scientists could miraculously stop your brain from worrying, ever again. Pow! No more worry. Would that be helpful? Not so much.

Imagine you now have to plan your daughter’s wedding (and write that damned speech). But you can’t do any future-focused problem solving because you have lost the ability to worry. And remember that this is what worry is for – imagining challenges in your future so your brain can think and think (and think!) about them until it has come up with a solution.

Which part of you does the worrying?

Looking at this through an internal family systems lens, as I increasingly do, it’s helpful to understand that there’s a part of you who feels anxious (a young part, probably) and another, protector part, who starts worrying to try and help the little one feel calmer, safer and less stressed. This is what protectors do, inside your head – try to make sure that hurt parts of you never get hurt again.

We usually call this part, unsurprisingly, the Worrier. And Worrier parts are busy little bees. They are super-hard working, hypervigilant, relentless (when you ask them they will tell you they never switch off, 24/7, every day of your life). They work so hard to protect you – and especially those young, anxious parts of you – from being criticised, attacked, shamed, rejected, or hurt in any other way. They’re kind of heroic, in my opinion.

But of course all this worry is exhausting. It often leads to insomnia, as you lie there at 3am going over and over that tricky morning meeting. Excessive worry can lead to chronic stress, burnout, being constantly on edge and never able to switch off. It’s not much fun.

So if you worry in this unhelpful way, we clearly need to help you worry less, altogether, and worry in a less catastrophic, more helpful/problem-solving way. Luckily, internal family systems gives us a clear, concrete road map of how to make these internal changes – one of the many things I love about this incredibly creative, highly compassionate model.

If you would like to find out more, do come along to my next workshop – Overcoming Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace, on Saturday 10th December 2022. This is an online workshop, so you can join from anywhere in the world. As with all our Heal Your Trauma events, it offers a limited number of free places, as well as a Low-Income Ticket and Supporter Ticket, if you are able to support the project.

So money should be no barrier, if you need help, even if you are struggling financially right now.

I hope to see you there!

Warm wishes,

Dan

Don't Miss My Overcoming Anxiety Workshop on 10th December

If You're Struggling, Remember That This Too Shall Pass

Image by Eberhard Grossgasteiger

How are you doing, right now? I hope you’re OK and that the day is going easy on you. But, as you are human, you may be having a tough time, struggling with some kind of pain or anguish. And if that’s the case, let me start by sending you some love and warmth and I hope you feel better soon.

If you are struggling, one of the hardest things might be the feeling that it will never get better. I think this is especially true of depression (because everything seems very negative and hopeless when we’re depressed), but can be the case with any kind of suffering, mental or physical.

This thought came to me this morning, after an early trip to see my osteopath – a kind and brilliant man called George. Since he has been treating me, I have had two acutely painful episodes: one a nasty back flareup and the other a decidedly-not-fun rib injury, which I am currently overcoming.

And I realised today that I had fallen into the trap of thinking/feeling the ribs would never get better, despite all of George’s sterling work and my daily rehab/exercise programme – I have had this problem for over a month now. But, you know what, after my treatment it is feeling better today. I think, finally, we are on an upward trajectory and I can see the end in sight. No more sore ribs, which will be blissful (rib injuries are not great, let me tell you! Laughing hurts. Sleeping hurts. Coughing hurts. Breathing hurts).

This too shall pass

My (hopefully) healing ribs reminded me of that somewhat over-used but still brilliant piece of wisdom, ‘This too shall pass’. A quick Google tells me that this stems from a fable written by Persian Sufi poets, but whoever said it first, they captured something vital for us all – as I am always saying to my clients and when teaching Heal Your Trauma events, no matter what you went through, however bad it was, it’s never too much and never too late to heal.

This applies as much to backs and ribs as it does traumatic experiences in childhood, episodes of acute panic and anxiety, depression, or whatever you might be struggling with right now. It may not seem like it, but it will pass. You will get better. The anxiety will ease, your mood will lift, your ribs will stop hurting.

And you may need help from your very own George (everybody needs a George, I think), from me or another therapist, from wise writers and teachers, yoga instructors, mentors, friends, partners and loving family members. But whatever you are struggling with right now, remember: this too shall pass.

Sending you love and warm, healing thoughts,

Dan

Can’t Stop Worrying? If So, This Simple Technique Will Help

Image by Nik Shuliahin

Why do we worry? It’s an important question and – if you struggle with worry and anxiety – one we need to answer before thinking about how to help you. One way to think about worry is anticipating stressful, threatening, upsetting or even dangerous events that might occur in the future. This is known as ‘bridge-crossing’. Your brain knows there is a challenge up ahead, so crosses every possible bridge that might lie in your path, to try and help you manage the challenge as best you can.

You could also say that worry is a wired-in, evolutionary response to threats and dangers. Let’s say you were a hunter-gatherer, walking through long grass on the savannah, 10,000 years ago. The threat system in your brain would have been (rightly) highly sensitive and hypervigilant, using all your senses to scan for predators lurking in the grass. You might even have imagined a lion leaping out and how you would try and fight them off, or make your escape. In doing so, you would have visualised the whole scenario, as if playing a video in your mind’s eye.

That would have required a uniquely human capacity: the ability to use a kind of virtual-reality simulator in your brain to imagine the future – sensing it, visualising it and even living through it – to help protect you from potential threats. When you worry, you are using these high-tech neural capacities to anticipate bad stuff on the horizon and how to protect yourself.

More simply, we can also say that worry is a kind of problem-solving thinking, helping you anticipate upcoming problems and then helping you find solutions by running through a whole host of possible options, until you find one that could work.

How anxiety leads to worry

Another key thing to understand about worry is that it’s the cognitive response to the emotion of anxiety. It’s important to emphasise this, because people often get the two mixed up. They say, ‘I feel worried,’ when what they mean is, ‘I feel anxious and am worrying to try and deal with that.’ (I’m sure my clients get fed up with me reminding them of this, but it’s important, so I brave their eye-rolling and say it anyway.)

If we add to this puzzle the fact that anxiety is a threat-focused emotion, triggered by your brain as an alarm call to let you know a person or situation is threatening and you should do something – right now! – to deal with it, you can see why anxiety is designed to feel so bad; and how it’s intended to provoke some kind of urgent, problem-solving action. And we’re back to worry – the urgent, problem-solving action that your brain takes when you feel uncomfortably anxious.

Getting to know the worrier

Yet another way of thinking about worry (last one, I promise) involves understanding that your personality is made up of a number of different parts. I have written about this extensively in previous posts and pages on my site, so if you need to know more I will just point you to either this page on ‘modes’ in schema therapy or this one on internal family systems.

One of the most effective ways of managing unhelpful worry is to speak to the part of you that does the worrying when you’re feeling anxious (usually named the Worrier, for obvious reasons). Here’s a step-by-step guide to doing just that…

The practice

Having a dialogue with your worrier

1. You can try this in two ways. One way is to use these guidelines just to have an internal dialogue with your Worrier part – this can happen many times throughout the day, whenever you find yourself worrying about something. But if you have time – and especially when you’re starting out with this talking-to-parts approach – I recommend trying this longer method first.

2. Start by switching your phone to silent and carving 10 minutes out of your busy day. If you are plagued by constant worry, which as you know can be very stressful and unpleasant, you should be highly motivated to find the time.

3. Now take two chairs and place them so they are facing each other. One chair is for the Worrier, the other your Healthy Adult. First sit on the Worrier chair and let rip about something you have been worrying about recently. It could be a problem at work, with your partner or kids, losing weight, health issues, or more global stuff like the cost of living crisis or climate change. Any subject will do, as long as it has been bothering you lately.

4. Now be the Worrier. Just act as if you are this part of yourself and (here’s the slightly weird bit) imagine that you are sitting on the other chair. So, if this was me, as the Worrier I would say: ‘Dan, I’m really worried about this post you’re writing. Honestly, it doesn’t seem that great. What if nobody reads it? What if they all think it’s crap and unsubscribe? And what if this whole Heal Your Trauma thing just crashes and burns? You’re not working hard enough on it, this is not your best work, so I think you should just scrap it and start again.’

5. Spend a couple of minutes being the Worrier, telling James or Jenny (you) in the other chair all the things he/she needs to worry about right now.

6. Then switch to the Healthy Adult chair. Plant your feet, roll your shoulders back and lengthen your spine. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Let your belly rise and fall with each breath. Keep breathing until you feel a little calmer, then open your eyes and respond to the Worrier from your (calm, strong, wise, compassionate) Healthy Adult.

7. Using myself as an example again, I would say, ‘Worrier, I know you mean well and you’re just freaking out right now. But I am working hard on this post – I always do. My writing is really important to me, so I try to make every post informative and interesting. And even if a couple of people unsubscribe, that’s OK, it’s not the end of the world.

   ‘It’s good to work hard but not helpful to have my whole self-worth riding on one post, that doesn’t make sense. So it’s all good – you can just relax and let me handle it. Thanks again for looking out for me.’

8. Notice that on the Worrier chair I say ‘you’ and on the Healthy Adult chair it’s ‘I’. This is important, because I want you to own what you’re saying on the HA chair more, for obvious reasons.

9. Try this, many times, until you feel the Worrier start to calm down. Make sure the way you speak to this poor, frazzled part of you is friendly and kind. It’s not a bad, or mean part – it is trying to help. But the way it’s helping is not very helpful! So you just need to learn how to empathise with, then reassure the Worrier. As ever, practice makes perfect so repeat, repeat, repeat until this is working for you…

I very much hope that’s useful for you. And if you would like some help with your worry and anxiety, do come along to my new one-day workshop: Coping with Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace. This powerful, highly experiential workshop takes place from 10.30am-4.30pm on Saturday 10th September 2022. It costs just £99 for the full day, including refreshments – there are also a limited number of reduced-fee places available.

Coping with Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace will be held at the Gestalt Centre, a short walk from King’s Cross Station in central London. Don’t miss this chance to learn from and spend a day with me – places are limited, so find out more and book using the button below:

I look forward to seeing you in September or at one of my upcoming workshops.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Would You Like Help With Your Worry and Anxiety?

Due to unforeseen circumstances, this event has been cancelled. If you were interested in attending, do book the online version of this workshop, which will run on 10th December 2022. Bookings for that workshop open in November. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.

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Coping with Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace features teaching, powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, and the chance to put your questions to Dan Roberts, a leading expert on trauma and mental health.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

• Why high levels of anxiety are a common problem for people with a trauma history – and how that’s linked to a ‘dysregulated’ nervous system, as well as elevated levels of ‘stress hormones’ like adrenaline and cortisol in your bloodstream

• How anxiety is the brain’s ‘alarm’ emotion, warning you that something bad is about to happen and that you should do something, immediately, to keep yourself safe

• Why anxiety is linked to the fight-flight-freeze self-protection responses – useful for escaping from a hungry lion, but not if you’re sitting at your desk in a quiet, safe office

• Simple, evidence-based strategies to calm your anxious inner child, quickly and effectively

• Why anxiety (an emotion) and worry (a thinking process) are inextricably linked – and how to reduce both overwhelming emotions and unhelpful thinking

• Key experiential exercises – such as Compassionate Breathing and 4-7-8 Breathing, guided meditations and imagery – you will learn to help you cope with your anxiety, reduce unhelpful worry and feel calmer and more in control

• And throughout the day, you will get the chance to put your questions to Dan Roberts, Founder of Heal Your Trauma and an expert on trauma healing and managing anxiety

Don’t miss this chance to learn from a leading trauma therapist and expert on mental health and wellbeing – watch the video for more information and book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Come to My New Heal Your Trauma Workshop – Coping with Anxiety

Image by Ravi Pinisetti

My first one-day Heal Your Trauma workshop will take place from 10.30am-4.30pm on Saturday 10th September 2022, at the Gestalt Centre, near King’s Cross in Central London. Our first workshop will be Coping with Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace with Dan Roberts, Advanced Accredited Schema Therapist, Trainer & Supervisor and Founder of Heal Your Trauma.

This event, which will be both highly informative and experiential, costs just £99 for the full day, including refreshments. There are also a limited number of reduced-fee places available.

Coping with Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace features five hours of teaching and powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed. You will also get to ask questions throughout the day to Dan Roberts, a leading expert on trauma, mental health and working with anxiety.

In this powerful, highly experiential workshop you will learn:

• Why high levels of anxiety are a common problem for people with a trauma history – and how that’s linked to a ‘dysregulated’ nervous system, as well as elevated levels of ‘stress hormones’ like adrenaline and cortisol in your bloodstream

• How anxiety is the brain’s ‘alarm’ emotion, warning you that something bad is about to happen and that you should do something, immediately, to keep yourself safe

• Why anxiety is linked to the fight-flight-freeze self-protection responses – useful for escaping from a hungry lion, but not if you’re sitting at your desk in a quiet, safe office

• Simple, evidence-based strategies to calm your anxious inner child, quickly and effectively

• Why anxiety (an emotion) and worry (a thinking process) are inextricably linked – and how to reduce both overwhelming emotions and unhelpful thinking

• Key experiential exercises – such as Compassionate Breathing and 4-7-8 Breathing, guided meditations and imagery – you will learn to help you cope with your anxiety, reduce unhelpful worry and feel calmer and more in control

• And you will get the chance to put your questions to Dan Roberts, Founder of Heal Your Trauma and an expert on trauma healing and managing anxiety

Don’t miss this chance to learn from a leading trauma therapist and expert on mental health and wellbeing. Book your place now using the button below for just £99 – a limited number of places are also available for those on a low income (email info@danroberts.com for details).

Warm wishes,

Dan

How to Comfort and Reassure the Anxious Child Inside You

Image by Joseph Gonzalez

Whenever my clients tell me they are feeling anxious, after validating their feelings, my favourite question is, ‘Which I is feeling that way?’ Sometimes (especially if they are new) they look at me with a baffled expression, so I clarify by saying, ‘I’m wondering which part of you is feeling anxious? I know it’s not your Healthy Adult, because she just stood up to your boss when he was shouting at you. So who is it?’

And then they get it, so they say, ‘Oh right, it’s little me who’s scared.’

This may seem a bit pedantic, but it’s so important. When we say, ‘I’m scared/worried/stressed/panicky/lonely/overwhelmed’ we are saying that every part of us feels that way. Problem one: this isn’t true. And problem two: it means we are ignoring or missing the part of us that is not feeling any of that stuff, or perhaps just mild discomfort rather than huge and overwhelming feelings. In schema therapy we call this part the Healthy Adult. Freud called it the ego. In internal family systems it’s the Self, compassion-focused therapists would name this part the Compassionate Self, Buddhists speak of Buddha Nature, and so on.

In my opinion, it doesn’t really matter, as long as we are aware that we are not just one homogenous blob of a personality – just Dan, or David, or Daisy. Research by neuroscientists has proved beyond doubt that there are many parts of us – it’s just how your brain forms your personality, starting from birth.

And we also need to grasp the idea that there is a rich, powerful, healing resource, somewhere inside, that we can develop over our lifetime to heal from trauma or any other painful experiences in childhood – and that this inner resource can calm, soothe and comfort the anxious, hurt, depressed or angry young parts of us.

What is your vulnerable child?

The idea that there is an inner child somewhere inside us is not a new one. But Dr Jeffrey Young, the founder of schema therapy, took this idea and developed it with great wisdom and skill. Dr Young saw this part (or ‘mode’, in schema therapy language) in all of his clients, especially those with a history of complex trauma, whose young part was incredibly sensitive, easily triggered and highly emotional.

You have a Vulnerable Child inside you, as do I. And schema therapists like me call that part Little X, so I have a Little Dan inside me. This part of me is small, young, emotional, vulnerable and highly sensitive. He also holds all the painful thoughts, beliefs, memories and emotions from my childhood, which was not always easy. So he holds memories of me being bullied when I was 11, with all the painful thoughts and feelings associated with that extremely hard time in my life.

If you’re feeling anxious right now, it’s little you feeling that anxiety. He or she is probably scared that something bad is about to happen – perhaps that you will be criticised, shouted at, hurt, rejected or abandoned by someone important to you. Or you feel threatened about something you have to do, or somewhere you have to go (anxiety is always threat-focused, because the function of this emotion is to warn us about bad stuff that’s about to happen).

The practice

Comforting your anxious child

Next time you’re feeling anxious or are worrying about something, try this simple practice, which should help you feel calmer and more at peace.

1. Start by switching your phone to silent, so you won’t be disturbed. Then sit on a comfortable chair, with your feet grounded on the floor, gently roll your shoulders back and lengthen your spine.

   Close your eyes and take some slow, deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth, roughly four seconds in and four seconds out. Just breathe for at least a minute, allowing yourself to settle.

2. Now locate the anxious feeling in your body. Anxiety often shows up in the stomach, or it might be your chest, especially around the solar plexus (between and just below your pectoral muscles). You might notice butterflies, tension or a knot in your stomach, a feeling of nervous energy, or tightness/tension in your chest.

3. Now send some breaths into this part of your body. Don’t try and switch off or get rid of the feelings and sensations, just breathe into them. Keep sending warm, friendly, compassionate breath into your throat, shoulders, chest or belly.

   Sit with that for a minute – and see if you notice those parts of your body soften, just a little.

4. Place a hand on your body wherever you feel the uncomfortable sensations of anxiety in a warm, soft, supportive manner – like you would place your hand on the shoulder of a friend who was upset. Feel the warmth from your hand begin to spread into the skin and muscles. Send that warmth, along with the breath, into the tense, anxious places in your body.

5. Now I want you to visualise yourself as a child. It can help to have a photo of yourself, especially at a young age and one you feel warmly towards (it’s common for us to have complicated feelings towards our Vulnerable Child, especially if we experienced trauma in our childhood).

   If you struggle to feel warmth or compassion towards little you, imagine your own child, niece, nephew or friend’s child you are fond of. Just imagine that they are feeling scared and think about how you would respond to them. What words would you use? What would your tone of voice be? You would probably speak a bit more slowly and use a warm, friendly, reassuring voice tone. That’s the tone you need to comfort the child inside you.

6. Now come back to the photo of little you, or just an image of yourself in your mind’s eye. Speak to them from your (warm, wise, compassionate) Healthy Adult. You can do this out loud, or just think the messages to them inside. Let them know you get that they are scared right now. Tell them that is perfectly natural – there is a lot to be scared about in the world, especially at the moment.

   But you can also reassure them, not in a fake ‘everything’s fine!’ way, but rationally and authentically, telling them that, for example, it’s OK if your spouse is angry with you, because adult you can handle a little conflict. Or you might say it’s normal to worry about problems with your health, but adult you will visit the doctor to make sure everything’s fine and most symptoms we experience are perfectly safe and benign.

7. Keep soothing and reassuring them in this calm, friendly, rational way. Then – don’t try and force this, just do what feels natural – let them know you care about or even love them. Sit with that for a few seconds, feeling that internal connection between your Healthy Adult and little you.

8. Finally, see if there are any good feelings inside – you might feel a bit calmer, more relaxed, lighter in your body, or a sense of warmth. If so, just enjoy those feelings for a while. Let them soak into your body for at least 30 seconds.

9. Then take a deep breath and open your eyes.

Try this often, whenever you feel anxious. Once a day is good, five times a day is better. Like all new skills, it will be tricky at first, but get easier with time and especially practice.

I very much hope that helps – sending you love and strength on your healing journey.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Feeling Anxious or Stressed? Try 4-7-8 Breathing to Feel Calmer, Quickly

Image by Joshua Earle

Sometimes, we have to acknowledge that modern psychology doesn’t have all the answers. With great humility, we also have to realise that some of the most powerful, deeply healing techniques have been around for thousands of years. Take mindfulness, which only entered the Western medical mainstream in the 1970s. Mindfulness techniques were developed and taught by the Buddha 2,500 years ago, so it took us a while to catch up!

Another set of powerful techniques that have increasingly become mainstream are deep-breathing techniques, which can be incredibly helpful for any ‘hyperaroused’ (high-energy) state such as stress, anxiety, anger or agitation. Many of these techniques are part of the yogic tradition, which has been around for thousands of years (it’s hard to know exactly how long, but 5,000 years is an oft-quoted figure – let’s just say a long time).

These pranayama breathing techniques involve a whole host of practices, but this post will focus on 4-7-8 Breathing, which is incredibly powerful – what I call a ‘break the glass in case of emergency’ breathing technique, as opposed to the gentler Compassionate Breathing, which is also a key part of my therapy toolkit.

When should you use 4-7-8 breathing?

The first thing to say is that this isn’t one of those deep-breathing techniques you can surreptitiously use on the Tube, or in a meeting. It’s kind of loud and pretty funky, so it’s one for a quiet room, alone (or with your therapist, partner or a trusted friend/family member). As with Compassionate Breathing and Box Breathing (another ‘emergency’ technique I often teach people), this 4-7-8 Breathing involves abdominal/diaphragmatic breathing to help you move from a stress response to a relaxation response.

First, a little science (feel free to skip this bit if you want to go straight to the practice, below). Your heart, lungs, digestion and various other systems in your body are controlled by the autonomic nervous system. And this is divided into two branches, the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The sympathetic branch is all about action and is a key part of the fight-flight response (fight being linked to the emotion of anger, flight to anxiety).

Put simply, this branch of the nervous system helps you mobilise for action to escape or fight off a life-or-death threat. So it’s pretty handy. But not so useful if you’re on a bus, or in a parent-teacher meeting, and are flooded with panic and anxiety. And sadly, if you’re a trauma survivor, you will probably have way too much SNS activation and not enough PNS in your life, so we need to fire up that parasympathetic system, which is involved in the rest-and-digest response and feelings of calm, relaxation, peacefulness and safety. The good stuff that we all want more of, but which can be elusive, especially if you’re chronically stressed or anxious.

The good news is that just a few minutes of 4-7-8 Breathing can quickly and powerfully activate the PNS, helping you move from stressed to more relaxed. Here’s how it works…

The practice

I would recommend trying this on your own in a quiet room. Switch your phone off and make sure you won’t be disturbed – take a few minutes out of your busy day, just for yourself. You can just count the breaths, slowly, in your head.

When you’re first learning, try to practice at least twice a day, but you can do it as often as you want. Only do it for four cycles in a row in the beginning. After you get used to it, you can work up to eight cycles in a row, throughout the day.

1. Start by adjusting your posture – gently roll your shoulders back and lengthen your spine, so you’re sitting in an upright but relaxed posture. You can close your eyes, or leave them open if you prefer.

2. Place your tongue against the back of your top teeth and keep it there.

3. Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whooshing sound (this might feel a bit silly at first, but give it a go). Try to get every molecule of air out of your lungs.

4. Close your mouth and inhale through your nose for a count of four.

5. Now hold your breath for a count of seven.

6. Exhale completely through your mouth, with added whooshing, for a count of eight. Get all that stale air out of your lungs…

7. This completes one cycle. Repeat for three more cycles.

Remember that, like any new technique, this might feel a bit weird, clunky or challenging at first. Try not to get discouraged – remember that practice makes perfect. Give it a go, for at least a few days.

If you really struggle (and some people do find this practice challenging, especially that long hold), switch to Box Breathing, Compassionate Breathing or just plain old deep breathing instead. As long as you breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and your belly is rising and falling with each breath, it should definitely help.

Warm wishes,

Dan