Do you have a partner? If so, does your relationship make you happy? This is a crucial question, especially if you experienced trauma or other painful events in your life, as the quality of your romantic relationship can either help you heal those old wounds, or make them deeper.

In some ways, this is common sense – we all know that bad relationships make us unhappy. But it’s helpful to think about the different systems which impact your mental health, both internal and external. The internal systems are, generally, what we work on in therapy. These comprise your internal parts, such as (in schema therapy language) your Vulnerable Child or Inner Critic. We could also see all of the internal systems of your mind, brain and body as key drivers of either health or ill-health – for example, your nervous, hormonal and cardiovascular systems.

Why relationships are key

In therapy, less attention may be paid to your external systems. These would include your family (both the one your were born into and the one you made for yourself as an adult), friends, colleagues, neighbours, community and society. All of these systems, to a greater or lesser extent, have a big part to play in your mental and physical health.

But, as an adult, no external system is more important than the family you have created. And within this system, the quality of your romantic relationship has the greatest power to make you happy or not. And sadly, something I see time and again with trauma survivors, is that they don’t make good choices for their partners.

It can be baffling, both for the people involved and those who love them, so let’s think about why this can happen. Perhaps the biggest reason is that, if you experienced trauma, abuse or neglect as a child – and if the person hurting you was a family member – that’s what love feels like to you. Especially if the person doing the damage was your mother or father, they were a key attachment figure for you as a child. So you loved, needed and wanted to be close to them, even when they hurt you.

So your poor, developing little brain learned that love = hurt. That was your experience, day after day, so you became conditioned to feel love in this way. As an adult, this conditioning will lead you to (unconsciously, of course) choose partners who will also love and hurt you. It just feels normal and, on some unconscious level, right.

Schema chemistry

Another important concept to understand is that of ‘schema chemistry’. This means that the schemas in your brain make you, again unconsciously, highly attracted to people with whom those schemas fit. This is why we feel that intense, lightning bolt of attraction to someone, it’s like the schemas in both brains are powerful magnets, pulling us together.

For example, if you have an Abandonment schema, you might be dangerously attracted to people who are clearly unreliable and always leave their partner, usually involving an affair. They are clearly not a great choice as partner material, but you just can’t help yourself. Or, if you have a Defectiveness schema, you might find yourself dating someone who is constantly critical and putting you down – this makes you feel defective and not good enough, deep down, feeding your schema and keeping it alive.

Enough is enough

If this sounds like you, it might all seem a bit depressing. And it can be really painful, especially when we play out these patterns over and over again. But if that’s the case, maybe now is the time to clench your fists, grit your teeth, summon up all your courage and determination and say to yourself, ‘Enough!’ Enough hurt. Enough crying. Enough endless talks with friends, telling you to leave over and over.

Time to choose a relationship that heals. How? Well, you might need some therapy to help you recognise these patterns and learn how to break them. Or a stack of self-help books and loving friends/family members might be enough. Either way, you need to accept that your choices thus far have not been the best. You may also have to take a long, hard look at your current partner and decide whether they are good for you or not.

Are they abusive – verbally, emotionally or physically? Then leave.
Do they make you feel bad about yourself on a regular basis? Leave.
Do they gaslight you, or take zero responsibility for any problems that arise in your relationship? Do they blame you for absolutely everything? Time to leave.
Do all your friends and family keep telling you this person is bad for you, or untrustworthy, or just a not-very-nice, destructive person? Time to go.

Kindness above all else

Once you are out of that horrible situation, take some time to heal and regroup, spend time alone until you feel ready to date again, then write a list of qualities you are looking for in your new partner. And top of that list should be kindness. Far more important than how they look, or how charming they are, or how much money they have – certainly than that crazy chemistry that most people mistake for love, but is actually just a hormonal fever dream that always burns off after a few months, at best.

Choose somebody kind. Choose someone you think could be a friend – because long-term relationships are all about friendship, not lust. Choose someone with whom you are compatible, who you could live with, who has similar values and politics to you. Choose someone your friends like and approve of (they often know what’s best for you).

And if you do all those things, and find a nice, loving, supportive partner, it will be one of the most healing experiences of your life. Even if you are a trauma survivor. Even if you have been hurt by other partners, or in early relationships. A loving boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is powerful, healing medicine.

I hope that helps and that you find someone good for you – because, especially if you have been through tough times in your life, you thoroughly deserve it.

Warm wishes,

Dan