Trauma

Why Calm, Safe People Help Soothe Your Nervous System

Image by Omar Lopez

How are you feeling right now? Take a moment to mindfully scan your body and just notice whatever’s going on, physically and emotionally. You may be feeling calm and peaceful, with relaxed muscles, a happy digestive system and slow, steady heartbeat. If so, that’s wonderful.

But you may not feel like this at all. As you scan your torso you may notice places of muscular tightness and tension, a racing heartbeat and a bloated, uncomfortable gut. If you’re in this heightened, uncomfortable somatic state, I’m guessing you also feel stressed, anxious and frazzled. You may also be a bit hyper, with a fizzing energy running through your body.

Or you may notice your body feeling heavy and slumpy, low energy and with limbs that feel like lead. You might be low in mood or depressed and feel spacey, detached or dissociated. Not a nice place to be.

All three of these feeling states correspond with branches of your autonomic nervous system (which does all the stuff out of your awareness to help your heart beat, keep you breathing, digesting food, avoiding danger and much more). The first state is called Ventral Vagal, the second Sympathetic and the third Dorsal Vagal. Anyone familiar with Dr Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory will have a firm grasp of these somatic states, but if this theory is new to you, it’s a way of understanding your nervous system – why different parts of it get activated by certain triggers, how it functions to keep you safe in the world and how you can shape it to help you exist in that calm, pleasurable, mindful Ventral Vagal state more of the time.

Polyvagal 101

I have long been aware of Polyvagal Theory, but I am currently taking a deep dive into this brilliant model. If it’s new to you, or you need a refresher, I strongly recommend Deb Dana’s excellent book, Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory. She is a warm and insightful therapist who successfully translates Dr Porges’ complex and somewhat hard-to-grasp theories into everyday language. One of the many ideas to grab me in her book is that of neuroception, which is the way your nervous system perceives messages from inside your body, other people and the world.

Perception is the way your brain perceives your inner and outer world. It involves your sensory experience of the world, so what you see, hear, feel, taste and touch. Your brain then translates this information into conscious ways of thinking about these inputs, like: ‘Oh, she just smiled at me, which means she might be attracted to me, or maybe she’s just being friendly,’ or ‘I love that cologne, it reminds me of the one my dad used to wear. I must buy him some for his next birthday.’

Neuroception, on the other hand, is a subconscious process where your nervous system constantly evaluates your experiences, looking for cues of safety or danger. So that might look like: ‘Oh, she just smiled at me, which means she is friendly and so probably safe,’ or ‘What’s that horrible cologne? Oh crap, it reminds me of that bully in school. Time to get the hell out of here!’

In reality, this process is even faster than that, because thoughts like these are your conscious brain making sense of those cues of safety/danger and then creating stories about them. Your nervous system acts way faster than that, sensing these cues and compelling you to act – fighting, fleeing or freezing – before your thinking brain has any idea of what’s happening. This could look like you being startled and scanning anxiously for the source of a loud bang, or walking into a room, getting a bad feeling – the hair on your neck standing up – and then walking straight out again.

People who make you feel safe

Finally, one more idea that’s important for all of us, but especially those who have a trauma history, who have such a hard time feeling safe in the world. And that’s the way your nervous system is constantly looking for neuroceptive cues of safety/danger from every person you meet.

For example, I have long struggled with narcissistic people, because some of my more dysfunctional family members were very narcissistic, as were other hurtful people in my life. So my nervous system is exquisitely sensitive to cues of narcissism, from facial expression to body posture, voice tone and language. I jokingly call this my N-dar™ – it’s remarkable how sensitive I am to these folks and how much my nervous system/inner parts react around this personality type.

On the other hand, people who are kind, warm, gentle, compassionate, good listeners, mindful and thoughtful make me feel safe. That’s why I married someone with these qualities. Why my best friends are like this. And why I love being a therapist so much, because most of my colleagues exhibit these qualities, so I feel safe and happy hanging out with them.

The practice

Spend some time journalling about this. Think about the people in your life you feel edgy and uncomfortable around. This may be more of a ‘felt sense’ than anything conscious or obvious – your nervous system is just telling you: not safe. Spend some time writing about the ways they speak and behave that make you uneasy. Are they unkind? A bit loud? Do they interrupt you a lot? Do you feel like they’re not really interested or listening when you speak? Perhaps they stand, move or make facial expressions in ways that just feel a bit off to your nervous system. Maybe their values or political opinions really clash with yours. Whatever it is, just spend some time journalling about the things that make your nervous system say no to these folks.

Now think about the people in your life you like, love and have positive feelings toward. What’s that about? Are they kind, calm, soft, gentle, easygoing? Or maybe you like people who are a bit more energised and extroverted, if you’re wired that way. There is no right or wrong here, good or bad, it’s just helpful to understand what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable with particular people. They might be generous, with their time, money or heart. Perhaps they have helped you in a time of need, giving freely with no expectation of receiving in return.

You may notice them treating others well, and that makes your heart feel warm. Perhaps they do a lot for charity, help elderly neighbours or donate to the food bank. These things might signal safety to your nervous system, which is why it says: safe. And why you then feel a strong yes towards them. Just spend some time writing about that and see where it leads you.

Finally, see how much time you spend with people who make you feel unsafe and how much with those who help you feel safe and are deeply drawn to. Is that balance right, or a bit off? What could you do, practically, to have more safe people in your life? That might mean choosing partners more wisely, shaking up your friendships, changing career or pursuing hobbies with like-minded folks. Remember that, especially if you have experienced trauma, you deserve to feel safe and happy in this world. You have suffered enough. And, as far as we know you only get one life, so try to live it in a way that brings you joy.

Life’s too short and precious to spend it with people who make you feel bad!

Love,

Dan ❤️

 
 

Have You Tried My New Insight Timer Course Yet?

Image by Wes Hicks

Have you listened to my new Premium Audio Course for Insight Timer yet – Healing from Childhood Trauma with IFS & Self-Compassion? Over 600 students have already taken the course and found it powerful and healing, giving it five-star reviews and consistently positive feedback.

If you sign up today you will learn about child development, temperament, core developmental needs, schemas and the IFS model of internal parts, how to work with your Inner Critic, what we mean by childhood trauma and neglect – as well as how to heal from these painful experiences using powerful techniques drawn from schema therapy, compassion-focused therapy, mindful self-compassion and internal family systems.

The course is free if you become a Member Plus Supporter. This costs just $60 for 12 months of high-quality content like this on the Insight Timer app from me and thousands of other leading teachers.

Try it now by clicking on the button below. I hope you enjoy it!

Love ❤️

Dan

 
 

Why You May Have Experienced Trauma, Even if You Had a ‘Normal’ Childhood

Image by Jessica Voong

‘He didn’t see his childhood as unusual – it was the only one he had ever had.’ I read this line in a coffee shop earlier and it has really stayed with me. It was in a brilliant book, Why Therapy Works: Using Our Minds to Change Our Brains, by Louis Cozolino. It’s a bit dense, so probably more for the mental-health professionals reading this (or anyone else who enjoys dense psychology books!). But that line is so good – and speaks to something I see with my clients over and over again.

Because it doesn’t matter how bad your childhood was, what kinds of terrible things were happening – to you it’s normal, because that is all you know. Especially when you are young, before you have attended school, your house and family is your whole world. You might go to the park, or to other kids’ houses to play, but basically everything important that ever happens to you happens inside your family.

So even if your dad is drinking heavily, then shouting aggressively at your mum every night, that’s normal. Or if you grow up in poverty, feeling scared and hungry every day, that’s normal. If your parents clearly favour your sister over you and you know, in your bones, that they love her more than you, well that’s normal too.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that any of those things are OK, or right, or even normal by the standards of many other families. But it is normal for you, because that was all you knew then – and may still be normal for you now, until we work to reframe that story and help you realise it was neither good nor normal to grow up in that environment.

What children need to flourish

One of the central ideas in schema therapy is that of core needs. These are the developmental needs that all children have, whatever the culture or country they grow up in. These five needs are:

  1. Love and a secure atachment

  2. Safety and protection

  3. Being valued as a unique human being

  4. The ability to be spontaneous, play and express your emotions

  5. Having boundaries and being taught right from wrong

It’s easy to see that the kids who are unlucky enough to grow up in traumatic, neglectful or abusive families are not getting these fundamental needs met. They probably don’t feel loved, safe or valued. Their emotions might be seen as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’. And – a problem I see in many families today – they might have what we see as too much of a good thing. Meaning they are spoilt, allowed to say and do whatever they like without consequences. This is also a kind of neglect, because it produces unhappy children who will struggle to fit into society when they are older.

So, however ‘normal’ your childhood was, if these basic needs were not being met, it will have caused you problems as you became an adult. And it may well have been traumatic, even if it seemed normal on the outside, because being shouted at, bullied, devalued or ignored can all be traumatic for kids.

If any of this resonates for you, I’m very sorry you had a tough time growing up. But you may find this talk helpful, which I recorded for Insight Timer to help people tell a different, more compassionate story about their lives: The Story of You: How to Build Self-Compassion.

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

 
 

You Need to Watch Dele Alli’s Powerful Interview About Trauma & Addiction

Following on from my last post, about men’s mental health, this is such a powerful interview. As a Spurs fan I have a lot of love for Dele – such a great player and obviously a guy with a very traumatic past. He was adopted and was in all sorts of trouble as a teenager, so this interview is about that and his recent struggles with addiction as the trauma resurfaced.

Please watch and share with any of your male clients/friends/family members who struggle to open up and keep their feelings locked away inside.

And big love to Dele. It took such courage to open up like this.

Dan

 
 
 

If You're Feeling Down, Gratitude Might Help

If you’re feeling depressed right now, let me start by sending you warm thoughts, because depression can be truly awful – as I know only too well, having struggled with deep, dark periods for many years. Thankfully, after a lot of therapy, a long-term meditation practice and many other forms of healing, I don’t really get depressed these days – or if I do get down, it’s only for a day or two, not the awful week after week of darkness that used to dominate my life.

So, again, if you are struggling with depression right now, please do seek help – especially if you’re feeling suicidal. See your doctor. Get help from a mental-health professional like me. You may also need antidepressants, which can be a lifesaver for many people dealing with depression. And tell your loved ones that you’re struggling, because trying to hide depression is never a good idea – and will 100% make it worse as it becomes a shameful secret squirming away inside you. Humans are verbal, storytelling creatures, which is why it feels good to talk about what’s troubling us.

As well as – crucially, not instead of – seeking help, there are a number of things you can to help yourself if you’re feeling down or depressed right now. That’s a key theme of my blog posts and teaching and why I founded my Heal Your Trauma project, because there is so much we can all do to improve our mental and physical health – much of which is free and available to you right now, if you feel able to take a small step towards lifting your mood.

What are you grateful for?

When my mood is a bit low (it does still get low sometimes, because I’m both highly sensitive and human), one of my go-to practices is changing my negative thought patterns by focusing on all the things I am grateful for in that moment. This helps change the messages playing on a loop in my head (‘God, I’m so tired/stressed/pissed off! Why is it still winter? So grey! And so damn cold! Life sucks’), which as I’m sure you know, can be overly negative, hopeless and disheartening when our mood is low.

I actually used this practice this morning, so here’s a sample of the things I found to be grateful for on a cold, grey, somewhat gloomy February morning:

  • Unlike millions of people in this country struggling with the cost-of-living crisis, I had a nutritious breakfast this morning. I am so fortunate to be able to eat what I want and not worry about how to feed myself or my family

  • I’m walking to work from my warm, dry home and will soon arrive in my warm, dry office. I didn’t have to sleep out in the freezing cold last night – I am so lucky not to be homeless, to have a job and an income

  • I heard on the news this morning that yet another Russian missile has killed innocent people in Ukraine. It made me well up and my heart goes out to them and their families, but it also makes me realise how lucky I am to live in a peaceful, fairly stable country

  • Everybody I love is healthy and safe right now

  • I actually have people to love and who love me

  • My health isn’t perfect, but my body is strong and I have no pain at this moment. Having lived with chronic back pain for years, that is such a blessing

  • I have a wonderful wife, who is my life partner and rock

  • My son is a remarkable, kind, huge-hearted young man – and I am so proud to see the person he is growing up to be

  • Although I lost my father at a young age (which triggered all those years of depression), I have a loving, supportive mum who has been there for me through so many tough times in my life

You get the idea. This list is not meant to be boastful, or say how wonderful my life is, just to recognise that there is always something we can find to be thankful for, even when our mood has dipped and it’s a cold, grey winter’s day.

Building your gratitude muscles

Being mindful, grateful and appreciative of what we have is a foundational practice in many traditions, from the 2,500-year-old wisdom of Buddhist psychology, to newer psychological approaches like CBT and Positive Psychology. If you would like to bring a little more gratitude into your daily life, here is an excellent step-by-step guide to writing a Gratitude Journal from the wonderful Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.

It’s important to note that being grateful for what you have is not about forcing a fake-positive, everything’s great! mindset. There are many reasons for us to struggle with depression, including a history of trauma, medical/hormonal/biological issues such as the menopause, being a refugee, living in a war zone, in poverty or suffering domestic abuse. We can’t just think our way out of these problems.

But whatever the cause of your low mood, it’s still important to do everything you can to help yourself. And increasing your gratitude is an evidence-based approach that might help, even a little. It’s free and you could start today, so why not?

I hope that helps.

If you are feeling depressed right now, I am with you. I have been there and know how awful it can be – but also know from personal experience that we can recover and emerge from the darkness of depression into a lighter, happier, more fulfilling life.

I will teach much more about depression and how to recover from it in my next workshop: Overcoming Depression – How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Calmer, Happier & More Hopeful, which takes place on Saturday 1st April 2023, from 10.30am-4.30pm. This event will be held at Terapia, a specialist therapy centre in the grounds of Stephens House, a listed house and gardens offering an oasis of peace and calm in the busy heart of North London. Terapia is a 10-minute walk from Finchley Central Northern Line station, with free parking outside – book your place now using the button below.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

 
 

Why Do We Find Romantic Relationships so Triggering?

Image by Steve Watts

It is my tenth wedding anniversary this year. And I am lucky enough to have found someone who is warm, kind, caring and supportive. I genuinely don’t know how I would manage without her, because she has been there for me through so many hard times over that decade – illness, struggles with my mental health, tough times in my career. She is a gem.

But, trust me, my relationship history before this remarkable woman did not run nearly so smoothly. I have had my heart broken, more times than I care to remember. And, as a younger, more selfish man, I did not treat other people’s hearts with the care they deserved. I very much regret that now, but at least learned from those mistakes and now am (I hope) a kind, loyal, trustworthy and loving partner. I’m her rock and she is mine, which is truly a blessing.

I am sharing this with you to illustrate two key points:

  1. A good romantic relationship is one of the most healing things that could ever happen to us (equating to many, many years of the best therapy you could find, I reckon).

  2. A bad romantic relationship is one of the most triggering, hurtful and destructive experiences you could ever have (requiring many, many years of therapy to get over).

Relationships Fire up Your attachment system

Why are relationships so powerful, so emotionally activating for us? Well, partly because of the impact they have on your attachment system – one of the most powerful systems in your brain. A brief guide: your attachment system comes online the moment you are born, as does (hopefully) that of your mother, father, siblings, uncles, aunts, grandparents, and so on. But for most of us, our mother is our primary attachment figure, as we are literally part of her body for nine months (how much more attached could you be than that?), usually breastfeeds us and does most of the early caregiving.

So, you are born, your attachment system comes online and so does your mum’s. This is what helps you bond, as you both experience ‘attachment bliss’, that feeling of being completely loved, safe, cosy, warm and connected as she holds you in her arms and you gaze into each others’ eyes. And if this all goes as Nature intended, you feel securely attached to her and so develop a secure attachment style, which stays with you for the rest of your life.

Sadly, many of us did not experience this secure early attachment, for all sorts of reasons. Maybe mum was depressed, so was sometimes withdrawn and emotionally unavailable when you were a baby. Maybe she was drinking or taking drugs. Perhaps the family environment was highly stressful, involving poverty, domestic violence or some other kind of volatility and conflict. If she was stressed, so were you, so poor little you could not feel safe and secure, no matter how hard she tried.

None of this is about ‘mother-bashing’ – most mums are kind, loving and determined to be the best parent they can be. It’s just that sometimes, despite their best intentions, things don’t go as they should – and so exquisitely sensitive, utterly helpless, entirely dependent little you could not bond with her as you needed to.

If this was the case, you would have been insecurely attached and developed either an anxious or avoidant attachment style (or a mixture of the two). Again, this will have stayed consistent throughout your life, making relationships tricky – especially romantic ones.

How does this work in practice? Let’s say you meet a guy on a dating app. And he seems nice, at first. But soon he starts ignoring your messages, or giving vague, noncommittal answers – he might have an avoidant attachment style, so shuts down and withdraws if he feels like you’re getting too close. If you are anxiously attached, you might start panicking, wondering what is wrong and when he will leave you. Perhaps you start bombarding him with messages. You might even show up at his house, asking what you did wrong and how you can fix it. He gets more and more distant, you get more and more anxious, and so the whole painful cycle goes until, inevitably, it ends.

Good news: Your attachment style can be healed

So far, so depressing. But there is good news – we know from all the research (and there is a vast amount of research on attachment, dating back to the 1950s and the ‘father’ of attachment theory, Dr John Bowlby) that although attachment styles do stay constant throughout our lives, they are not fixed or set in any way. Your attachment style can change, so if you are anxiously attached but instead of meeting Mr Wrong on the dating app, you lucked out and found a kind, decent and securely attached guy, being with him would help you become more securely attached.

I would say that’s what has happened to me – after 10 years of love and stability, I feel much more securely attached to my wife than I did during all the crazy, rollercoaster years that came before her. So if romantic relationships are a struggle for you, please don’t give up.

As I am always saying in these posts and my teaching, it is never too much and never too late to heal. If you have a history of unhappy relationships, before embarking on a new one get some good therapy first, so you can heal yourself and stop playing out the same, painful patterns with every new person you meet. And then focus on the kind of person you choose – prioritise kindness above all else. Imagine this person as your best friend, not just an exciting lover. Would you be compatible? Would you be happy living with them, picking up each other’s dirty socks and all the other decidedly unromantic stuff that long-term cohabitation involves? Could you imagine them taking you to hospital if you were sick?

That’s what real, long-term, lasting love is all about, not the fireworks and can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other stage, which never lasts. See this person, primarily, as your friend and you will be much more likely to choose a keeper.

I hope that helps – and if relationships are a struggle for you, don’t despair. There is always hope – take it from someone who found lasting love, finally, in his middle age. And if I can do it, so can you.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

 
 

Don’t Miss My Next Webinar: Trauma Healing With Internal Family Systems

If you missed this webinar, you can purchase the recording for just £10 – you can then download or stream the recording whenever you like.

Just click the button below to enjoy this powerful, highly experiential webinar now:

 
 

Trauma Healing With Internal Family Systems Therapy

Image by Igor Kasalovic

First, let me wish you all a very Happy New Year! May 2023 be a year full of health, happiness and healing. Heal Your Trauma has an exciting year ahead, with webinars and workshops throughout the year – a combination of your favourite events so far with some brand-new content we are confident you will love just as much.

We kick the year off with our first webinar, Trauma Healing with Internal Family Systems, in February. Internal Family Systems is one of the most exciting therapy models currently available. IFS has become hugely popular in recent years – and for good reason. As an Internal Family Systems-Trained Therapist, I use this warm, compassionate, highly effective approach with all my clients. And that’s because it is so effective for a wide range of problems, from complex trauma to problems with anxiety, depression, relationships, chronic stress, eating disorders and addiction.

If this sounds helpful for you, watch the recording of this 90-minute Zoom webinar presented by Dan Roberts. Trauma Healing With Internal Family Systems took place on Saturday 11th February 2023, from 3pm-4.30pm and was the latest in a series of regular Heal Your Trauma workshops and webinars presented by Dan Roberts throughout 2023.

Trauma Healing With Internal Family Systems features 90 minutes of teaching, powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, and a 15-minute Q&A with Dan Roberts, an Internal Family Systems-Trained Therapist and an expert on trauma, mental health and wellbeing.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

  • What we mean by trauma and how common it is, especially if we had a difficult childhood

  • Why IFS is such a revolutionary model, offering brand-new ways of understanding psychological problems and how to heal them

  • Why we all have an internal system of ‘parts’ – both young, wounded parts and protective parts which work hard to make sure those young parts never get hurt again

  • How to calm, soothe and heal your young parts, so you also feel calmer, soothed and can heal from painful past experiences, especially in childhood

  • Why we all have a ‘Self’ – an internal resource that is calm, compassionate, courageous and healing

  • You will also learn some simple, powerful techniques to help yourself feel calmer when you are triggered – especially important if you have a trauma history

  • And, during a 15-minute Q&A, attendees can put their questions to Dan Roberts, Founder of Heal Your Trauma and an expert on trauma, mental health and depression

Don’t miss this chance to learn from a leading trauma therapist and an expert on Internal Family Systems and mental health – purchase access to this recording for just £10, to download or stream whenever you like, using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 
 

Book Your Place Now – Dan Roberts' Webinars and Workshops for 2023

Image by Tobias Reich

If you are interested in coming to one of my Heal Your Trauma webinars and workshops, I have just released a full calendar of events for 2023. Bookings for all events are open now, so do visit the calendar page on my Heal Your Trauma website to reserve your place now. Many of these events sell out quickly, so do book your place early to avoid missing out.

We have webinars and workshops running almost every month, on a wide range of subjects to help you with your mental health and wellbeing. My workshops are all in-person next year, as I very much enjoy being with you ‘in real life’ – these will be held either at the Gestalt Centre, in central London, or Terapia, in north London. Highlights include:

If you are unable to travel to the workshops, we have a wide range of webinars planned for you, which are hosted via Zoom. Online highlights include:

All Heal Your Trauma events offer a number of free places, for those struggling financially for any reason, as well as Low-Income Ticket and Supporter Ticket options, if you are able to support the project. Heal Your Trauma is a non-profit project, so every penny we receive, after covering expenses, goes into making sure that everyone, everywhere can access all of our content.

I am excited about our upcoming programme for 2023 – and very much look forward to meeting you at a Heal Your Trauma event soon!

Sending you love and warm wishes,

Dan

 
 

Why Mindfulness Practices Can Be Triggering for Trauma Survivors

Image by Tobias Reich

As a long-term meditator, I am a passionate proponent of mindfulness. Building mindfulness practices into my life – as well as other forms of meditation – has had a profound impact on my mental and physical wellbeing. There is now a huge body of research to back this up – regular mindfulness practice is clearly beneficial for common psychological problems like stress, anxiety and depression, as well as a whole host of physical health benefits like lowering blood pressure and relieving gastrointestinal issues.

I have recorded a number of mindfulness practices for my Insight Timer collection and send these to clients as homework, to help them build a daily practice. Most of my clients like them, some absolutely love them and some find it hard to incorporate a daily practice into their busy lives, which is of course fine.

But what happens if you find standard practices like mindfulness of breath, or the body scan, not just hard to embrace but actually harmful? For a small minority of people who try mindfulness practices, with a therapist or meditation teacher, on retreat, or using an app like Calm or Insight Timer, the standard form of practice is highly triggering.

Why trauma makes mindfulness challenging

Why is this? Well, most of these people will probably have a trauma history. If you experienced trauma, either complex trauma in your childhood, or a single traumatic event like a car crash or assault, your nervous system may be ‘dysregulated’, meaning you are either prone to hyperarousal (high-energy states like stress, anxiety, panic, agitation or anger) or hypoarousal (low-energy states like dissociation/detachment, sadness, shame or depression).

In more simple terms, this may mean that when you sit and focus on your breath, say, you feel uncomfortably short of breath and panicky. That’s because your body is sitting calmly on your cushion, as instructed, but the threat system in your brain is yelling Run! So now you’re stuck there, trying to be all calm and serene, as you think you should be (especially if you have mainlined all those Instagram posts of beautiful women sitting in perfect Lotus positions, with peaceful, radiant expressions), when your whole body is fizzing with nervous energy and you want to get the hell out of there asap.

Trauma-sensitive mindfulness

This is why Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness was developed. And this approach, which either adapts standard practices to make them more helpful and accessible for folks with a trauma history, or offers brand-new practices, is incredibly helpful. Because mindfulness is a key skill for everyone to learn, especially if you have a trauma history. So please don’t abandon or avoid mindfulness and meditation just because you had a bad experience.

In my next Heal Your Trauma webinar, on Saturday 12th November, I will explain why Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness is such a helpful approach for trauma survivors – and guide you through a number of practices. Do come along if you’re interested – as with all my Heal Your Trauma events, this will be donation-based, making it affordable and available for everyone, everywhere.

You can book your place now using the button below – I hope to see you there, or at another of my webinars and workshops, very soon.

Sending you love and warm wishes,

Dan

 

Come to My Overcoming Addiction Workshop in London on 26th November 2022

 

How Can Trauma-Focused CBT Help You Overcome Trauma Symptoms?

PTSD is estimated to affect one in three people after a traumatic event. If you are struggling with trauma symptoms it can be useful to begin considering your support options. There are many different therapies available to support trauma and one of those is Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or TF-CBT for short, but what is this type of therapy, and what does it involve? 

Psychologists Ehlers and Clark (2000), in their Cognitive Model of PTSD, propose that there are certain factors that keep the vicious cycle of trauma going, and these factors essentially prevent the trauma memory/memories from being processed. These factors include:

  1. Poorly elaborated memory of the trauma and that the memory has not been contextualised (the memory does not equal the situation within which it existed or happened).

  2. Excessive negative beliefs and meanings attached to the trauma memory.

  3. Behavioural and cognitive strategies. Cognitive strategies include pushing thoughts away (suppression) and dwelling on events (rumination). Behavioural strategies may include withdrawing socially, avoiding internal and external reminders of the event/s, little or no engagement in previous hobbies or interests, use of drugs and alcohol. There can be many more strategies people may use, we recognise every individual has different coping strategies to try to minimise or eliminate their suffering.

Goals in Trauma-Focused CBT

Therefore together our goals in TF-CBT are to:

  1. Reduce flashbacks and nightmares by opening up the memory and being able to discriminate with reminders of the trauma what is then (at the time of the trauma) and what is now (in the present moment). We may recall the memory spoken out loud or by use of writing in session using the present tense. Some people may revisit the site of trauma in this part of the work to aid adding context to the trauma memory.

  2. Modify excessive negative beliefs of the trauma, changing perspectives to create new more helpful beliefs. For example ‘it was my fault X happened’ becomes ‘it was not my fault X happened’ we may develop a more compassionate response towards the self. In therapy we may do this through careful and gentle questioning to explore different perspectives. We then incorporate the more helpful belief into the trauma memory.

  3. Remove unhelpful behavioural and cognitive strategies that maintain intrusions and the current sense of threat and danger. We may do this in therapy by exploring the advantages and disadvantages of each strategy both in the short and long term.

As we come towards the end of treatment we often hear people we support reporting a reduction or ceasing of intrusions, a decreased sense of danger in the present moment and an improvement in mood as the person begins regaining and rebuilding their life after after the traumatic event/s.

Please see the video below if you would like to learn more about the different stages of the therapeutic journey when we work with trauma using TF-CBT. 

Emma McDonald, CBT & EMDR Therapist

•If you are looking for a Trauma Focused-CBT specialist we have a team of therapists who can offer this support face to face or online – further information can be found on our website www.thepsychotherapyclinic.co.uk

 
 

How Does Mindfulness Help You Heal From Trauma?

Image by Stefan Widua

If you are interested in personal growth (which, as you’re reading this, I’m guessing you are), you will know that mindfulness is a helpful skill to learn. In fact, it can feel a little overwhelming at times, as mindfulness is touted as a sort of miracle cure by the media for problems including ADHD, depression, anxiety, chronic stress, eating disorders, substance abuse, chronic pain, insomnia and many more. Of course, it’s not a miracle cure but, happily, many of these claims are backed up by extensive research (psychologists have been researching mindfulness as a health-promoting practice for around 50 years).

So, mindfulness practice is clearly helpful for many of the common mental-health and some of the physical-health problems we all struggle with. And, as I often say in these posts, this is not new information for billions of people around the world – Buddhists have been practising mindfulness for 2,500 years; and devotees of yoga have been using similar techniques for even longer, so they probably greet the Mindfulness is Today’s Hot New Health Hack-type headlines with a wry smile.

Mindfulness is key for trauma recovery

One area of particular interest to me is the importance of mindfulness in healing from trauma. I specialise in treating complex trauma, so I am always looking for knowledge and skills that will help me help my clients. If you have a trauma history (and many of us do, whether we know it or not), here are three ways that mindfulness will help you heal:

  1. The power of ‘noticing’. Until you know what the problem is, you can’t possibly solve it. So we need to learn how to notice all sorts of things in real time. For example, if you want to work with your inner critic, you have to notice that you’re being self-critical and say, ‘Oh, there’s my Critic again!’ Otherwise it’s just a constant flow of harsh, negative and self-demeaning comments passing through your mind (and triggering challenging emotional states like anxiety, stress, depression, low confidence or self-esteem).

    How do we notice? With mindfulness, which allows us to take a step back and adopt an ‘observer’ position, so we see our thoughts arising, rather than being swept away by them/believing them to be The Truth.

  2. Mindfulness is vital for emotional regulation. One of the biggest difficulties for trauma survivors is the overwhelming power of their emotions. There are many reasons for this, but simply put most of my clients struggle with intense waves of emotions like anger, fear, sadness or shame. This makes day-to-day life a real struggle – and can lead to using substances like comfort foods, alcohol or prescription/recreational drugs to numb out emotions that feel too big to handle.

    Mindfulness helps with this problem in a number of ways. First, research shows that just noticing (see above) and naming emotions helps reduce their intensity. So thinking, ‘Oh, I’m feeling really anxious right now’ can help you feel less anxious. This is especially helpful when some emotions, like panic, seem to come out of the blue. (They never do – there is always a trigger, which again requires noticing to start learning which things trigger you and why.)

    Second, using simple mindfulness practices like breathing into the part of your body where you feel tight or tense (because that’s how the emotion is showing up, somatically) can help soften and relax that part of your body, which in turn calms the uncomfortable emotion.

    Third, mindfulness practice helps strengthen synaptic connections in the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the part of the brain (just behind your forehead) you need to regulate the more emotional, reactive parts of the brain, like the limbic system. Which leads to…

  3. Mindfulness practice helps us find peace, calm and equanimity. Like all skills, mindfulness takes effort, practice and dedication to learn. That’s why it’s called a yoga practice or meditation practice. Doing it once won’t make much difference. But meditating every day, for long stretches of time, will help in many ways. As a long-time meditator, I can confirm that I am so much calmer, more peaceful and balanced than I used to be. It has helped me develop what Buddhists call ‘equanimity’, which essentially means balance. So if something triggers or knocks me, it’s easier to come back to a calm, centered presence.

    This is partly because I have strengthened the neural architecture of my PFC, so have more access to resources that help me feel calm, as well as soothing and reassuring anxious/stressed/upset parts of my brain. In less jargon-y terms, regular meditation helps you feel a little happier, a little stronger, a little more able to cope with life’s many challenges. And that has to be a good thing, whether you have a trauma history or not, right?

–If you would like to know more about how mindfulness could help you heal your trauma, come along to my next webinar: Not Just Mindfulness, But Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness. It takes place on Saturday 12th November 2022 from 3-4.30pm. Places are either free, if you are struggling financially, or payable by donation if you can support my Heal Your Trauma project (after covering expenses, all donations go towards running the project and making trauma-informed help available to everyone, everywhere).

Book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Struggling with Your Mental Health? Try Changing One Thing Today

Image by Taylor R

If you’re having a tough time right now, you might try a whole host of things to help you feel better. And in many ways, that’s great – I am all for working hard to make a positive change in your life. But something I often see with my clients and those I teach is that they are trying too many things, all at the same time.

So, in addition to our therapy, they are practising yoga and one or more forms of meditation, reading three different self-help books at the same time, microdosing psychedelics, having couples therapy and life coaching, intermittent fasting, giving up gluten/dairy/sugar, wild swimming/Wim Hof-ing, cleansing their chakras and trying, shall we say, many other less-reputable forms of healing…

Sound familiar?

Now, I am not casting aspersions on any of this stuff (apart from the chakra cleansing – sorry, that’s a step too far for me). I am 100% passionate about healing, growth and change, both yours and mine. I spend almost every waking moment thinking about, studying and practising this stuff. And I support you trying all sorts of healing – from mainstream, evidence-based therapies like schema therapy CBT, EMDR or internal family systems and Eastern traditions such as yoga, Buddhism and various schools of meditation.

My general rule is, if it doesn’t do you any harm – and you’re not using it instead of a more reputable/effective treatment – be open-minded and give it a try. Why not?

The 10,000 kicks rule

But it can be a real problem when people try too many things at once, then give up because they’re not working or just find them a bit ineffective, so get discouraged and disheartened. Let me tell you a story, which comes from my former life as a health journalist and speaks to this problem.

Men’s Fitness magazine sent me off to a branch of the world-famous Shaolin Temple, in Tufnell Park, of all places! This really is a branch of the actual Shaolin Temple, in north London, which blew my mind from the outset. (Here’s the website, if you don’t believe me: shaolintempleuk.org).

I went to interview a tiny but terrifying Shaolin monk, who taught me all sorts of kung-fu magic, which was great fun. But he also told me something, which has always stayed with me. He said, ‘It’s better to practice one kick 10,000 times than 10,000 kicks once.’

Let that sink in for a moment…

I often tell my clients this story, especially when I feel they are trying to pack in too many personal-growth strategies at once, or want to learn lots of new breathing techniques, etc every session. It’s much better for me to teach them one thing, like 4-7-8 Breathing, say, then get them to practice that every day until we next meet.

What can you change today?

If you’re struggling right now, feeling depressed, upset, lonely, anxious, hurt or overwhelmed, first of all I’m sorry. No-one likes to feel those things. As well as reading this blog, let’s thing about one thing you can change today that might help. Here’s a list of helpful things you could try – please read it and choose only one:

  • Start practising yoga (Yoga with Adriene is free on YouTube and a great place to begin)

  • Establish a daily meditation practice. You can check out my ever-expanding Insight Timer collection, or find one of the many thousands of teachers on Insight Timer who resonates with you (if it helps, some of my favourite teachers are: Sharon Salzberg, Tara Brach, Richard Schwartz, Kristin Neff, Chris Germer, Elisha Goldstein, Vidyamala Burch and Melli O’Brien)

  • Visit a Buddhist Centre near you – if you live in London, I recommend Triratna Buddhist centres like this one. You might bump into me there! That’s a great way to learn all about Buddhism, as well as mindfulness, metta and other forms of meditation from serious, long-term practitioners

  • Start exercising – jogging, swimming, cycling, going to the gym, dancing… Whatever you enjoy and will be able to commit to long-term

  • Begin therapy – if you have a trauma history, make sure you find a trauma-informed therapist like me. There are so many great therapy models, but I suggest schema therapy, CBT, EMDR, IFS, compassion-focused therapy and TIST as good places to start

  • Try wild swimming – there is a large and ever-growing evidence base on its benefits for mind and body. Cold water is best, if you can bear it!

I could go on, but that’s enough to get you going. Remember, your challenge is to try one and one only this week. Dedicate enough time and energy to whatever you choose to see if it’s helping (of course, some of these things will take more than seven days to make a difference, but that’s a good place to start).

I hope that’s helpful for you. Sending you love and strength on your healing journey.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

How Do We Heal From Childhood Trauma?

Image by Melissa Askew

If you experienced trauma as a child, you may feel (understandably) hopeless about your chances of recovering as an adult. Trauma can have such a profound effect on you, especially when you are young, that it leaves you vulnerable to a wide range of problems throughout your life. These include psychological problems like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem or hypersensitivity to stress. You may also struggle with emotional regulation, so you are constantly riding waves of distress and discomfort, then find it hard to calm yourself down.

Other common trauma-related difficulties include substance abuse and other addictions, eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia, as well as problems forming long-term relationships and a lack of confidence socially and at work. You may also struggle with detachment and dissociation – coping mechanisms in your brain that cut you off from your emotions and can make you feel empty, numb, spacey or disconnected from yourself and other people.

This is just an abbreviated list of all the problems that can result from childhood trauma. If any of this resonates with you, I am so sorry. No child deserves to be hurt or neglected. And no adult deserves to carry these wounds, struggling through life as best they can, but feeling battered and bruised inside.

It’s never too much and never too late to heal

Even though the word ‘trauma’ has now entered many of our vocabularies, I don’t think it’s widely understood just how common trauma is around the world. There are varying estimates of how many people have experienced trauma, but a general population survey conducted in 24 countries in 2016 showed that more than 70 per cent of respondents experienced a traumatic event, and 30.5 per cent had experienced four or more events. This is shocking – but to a therapist like me, who specialises in complex trauma, not at all surprising.

I hope that helps you see how widespread trauma is – and helps you understand that you are not alone. This knowledge can be very helpful, as trauma survivors often feel isolated and different from everyone around them. But this research tells us that you are no different from 70 per cent of the people you will meet as you move through your life. Your experiences make you human, not weird or different in any way.

Another crucial thing that I always explain to my clients is that it’s never too much and never too late to heal. Meaning: whatever happened to you, however bad it was, you can be helped. And whatever age you are, it’s never too late to seek therapy (I have treated people in their seventies, with life-changing results).

How does trauma healing work?

I know this may be hard for you to believe. And that’s OK – I don’t expect you to read these words and have a Shazam! moment, where suddenly all becomes clear. That’s why my Heal Your Trauma project contains so many different kinds of resources, from blog posts like this one to guided meditations/imagery and breathing techniques, webinars and workshops, and much more. Bit by bit, step by step, I’m trying to plant helpful thought seeds in your mind that will flourish and grow into powerful ideas, beliefs and understanding of how to heal and change.

One last thing – let me explain what healing actually means in this context. And to do that, let’s imagine you went skiing (hard to imagine right now, I know, but it will get cold again!). And you had a great time up to the moment you took a tumble, landed awkwardly and broke a bone in your shin.

You would be whisked off to a local hospital, where doctors would make sure the bone was straight, then protect it with a cast, give you some crutches and wish you luck. You would then hobble homewards, with some tricky moments, but eventually get back and collapse on your sofa – where you would stay, with various toilet/meal breaks, for some weeks.

And then, gloriously, one day your leg would be healed, you would have the cast removed and have physio, until you were able to walk again. But – and here’s the key point – none of the things I have described here would have actually healed the bone in your leg. They would have been vital, but merely helpful aids to the real healing, which would have occurred inside your body.

Natural healing processes

That’s because your body has innumerable, miraculous healing processes that happen, every second of your life, mostly outside your awareness. These healing processes would have repaired your tibia, knitting the bone together so that it would be stronger then it was before you broke it.

And exactly the same healing processes occur in your mind, brain, nervous and hormonal systems when you recover from trauma. All you need to enable this to happen is the right help, support and guidance from someone like me – a trauma-informed therapist who knows about these magical-but-everyday healing processes and how best to facilitate them. It’s neither easy, nor quick. It’s a slow, steady process that requires a great deal of hard work, on your part and mine.

But it is doable. I promise you that if you find a skilled, trauma-informed therapist, come along to my webinars and workshops (and find others that resonate with you), read these blog posts and self-help books by my colleagues in the mental-health field, meditate, exercise and do all the other things that we know to be helpful and healing, you will get better.

And I will be here with you, every step of the way, as you embark on your healing journey.

Sending you love, strength and hope, wherever you are and whatever hand life has dealt you,

Dan

 
 

Overcoming Depression: How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Happier

Image by Sankalp Suradkar

Depression can feel absolutely awful. When you’re really down, you might feel exhausted, as if the smallest task is utterly daunting. Your thoughts will probably be incredibly negative and laser-focused on everything that is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ about you. You might feel either agitated or empty and frozen inside. You may sleep all the time or very badly, eat too much or hardly at all.

The way depression affects us varies widely from person to person. That’s why Paul Gilbert, one of my heroes in the therapy field and founder of compassion-focused therapy, says it’s better to think of ‘depressions’, as there are so many causes and manifestations of this incredibly common mood disorder. But whatever the cause and however it affects you, depression can be grim.

I know this from personal experience. After my father died, suddenly and traumatically when I was 24, I struggled with depression for many years. As well as losing him, which in itself turned my world upside down, that single traumatic event unlocked all the pain and hurt of my life up until then. I spent years in therapy, trying different therapists and approaches, none of which (I now know, with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight), were that effective or helpful.

Like many people struggling with mental-health problems, I self-medicated with alcohol and other substances. Again, I now understand that these substances were mostly doing two things: first, numbing the pain; and second, giving me a much-needed hit of distraction and dopamine, so I felt happy and good for a few hours. Sadly, those short-term bursts of excitement were followed by even worse bouts of depression, as well as self-loathing and profound disappointment in myself for doing it again.

Emerging into the light

I knew something had to change. So I retrained as a therapist (more accurately, I returned to this field after a stint in journalism, having first trained as a counsellor in 1994-7) and slowly got my life together. I did a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) course, which helped me integrate a daily meditation practice into my life. I have relished those 20 minutes of silence and stillness almost every day since then.

I found a kind, loving partner who is now my wife. She was there for me in some extremely tough times, as I have been there for her when she struggled. This alone has been incredibly healing for me – I feel deeply blessed and grateful to have this wonderful person in my life.

I began to study in great depth the newer, more scientific, brain-based approaches to therapy, like schema therapy, internal family systems therapy, cognitive therapy, MBCT, compassion-focused therapy and many more. For the first time I started to understand what causes depression, anxiety, stress and all the other psychological problems we are all vulnerable to, being beautiful but fragile humans.

A mind-body approach

It’s not always easy for me to be so open about my struggles with mental health (and even harder to admit to the self-medicating, which I very much regret), but I do so in my writing, teaching and therapy practice to ‘normalise’ both psychological difficulties and the ways we try to cope with them, however unhelpful they may be. I am a flawed, fragile human being, just like you. But I also talk about this stuff to say, this is what worked for me, so it could work for you too.

As well as all the learning I have done about the mind, brain, nervous system, different theories and models of psychotherapy, I have to say that one of the most powerful tools I have found to boost and regulate my mood is physical exercise. As I write this, I have just come back from the gym. I exercise almost every day, partly to help with some chronic back issues, but also because it just makes me feel so good!

There is a huge amount of research into the beneficial effects of moving your body on your thoughts, emotions and mood, so if you struggle with depression please do try moving, even a little. You may hate the gym, which is absolutely fine. How about swimming, in the local pool or better somewhere wild? Or dancing – play your favourite tunes, loud, and jump around a bit.

Martial arts are great, especially if you have a trauma history and want to feel safer in your body and your life. Yoga is amazing, providing nourishment and exercise for the body, mind and soul. There is also a great deal of evidence supporting yoga as a trauma-healing practice.

If you have a bike, go for a ride. If you have a garden, get digging and feel your hands in the soil, which also reconnects us to Nature and answers a call deep in your bones to live a wilder, more natural life.

Start with small steps

Having spent years struggling with depression, I know that someone advising you to exercise can feel irritating, even condescending. Of course you already know this! Your GP has probably told you, along with your friends, social-media feed, newspaper, numerous mental-health documentaries, and so on. But I have to say, sometimes we can know all the right things to do, but the hardest thing is actually doing them.

So start small. If you haven’t left the house for days, just go for a walk around the block. Breathe some fresh air. Move your body, a little – it’s desperate to move, trust me. Tomorrow try two blocks. The next day three… and before you know it, you are walking for an hour and noticing a real uplift in your mood.

This is not rocket science, I know, but it really does help.

You may also be interested in a Zoom webinar I’m planning on Saturday 15th October 2022: Overcoming Depression – How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Calmer, Happier & More Hopeful. Take a look at my Webinars & Workshops page if you would like to know more.

And I very much hope that some of my story is inspiring for you. It may help to know that I don’t get depressed any more. I have up days and down days, like everyone, but those long, awful bouts of depression are mercifully in my past.

I barely drink, apart from a few glasses of wine at the weekend. I mostly live a sober, mindful life. And I have a job I love, that brings great joy and meaning to my day-to-day existence. If I can turn my life around – which was a mess, trust me – so can anyone. Including you.

Sending you love and strength, whatever you might be struggling with right now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Watch Dan's Interview About Trauma Healing for AntiLoneliness

I was recently honoured to be invited for an interview with Vassia Sarantopoulou, Founder and Head Psychologist of AntiLoneliness (antiloneliness.com).

In the course of our highly engaging, one-hour interview we discussed many issues related to trauma, including:

  • Can we heal from trauma?

  • What is the difference between trauma and complex trauma?

  • How has this pandemic been a traumatic experience for many?

  • What's a holistic approach to healing?

  • How do our everyday habits add to trauma?

  • Breathing and meditation: how they help with healing

Do watch the interview below, or by visiting the AntiLoneliness YouTube channel – if you have a trauma history, I very much hope you find it helpful.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 
 
 

Receiving Kindness and Compassion From Others – How to Let it in

Most of us know that kindness and compassion are helpful qualities to develop. And if you are trying to improve your mental health and wellbeing, you will have received that message loud and clear from all the books, blogs, podcasts and social media posts you consume. It’s good to be kind and compassionate to others. It’s good to be kind and compassionate to yourself. It’s good to spend your time with people who are kind and compassionate to you. We all know this to be true.

But – and this is a big but – for many of us, none of this stuff is easy. In my last post, I explained why self-compassion is so powerful and healing. But I have also written a great deal about why it can be a struggle to generate self-compassionate thoughts and feelings, especially if you have a trauma history. Many of my clients, colleagues, friends and family members are kind, compassionate people – but have a tough time treating themselves with a similar level of warmth and benevolence.

Something we think less about, but which is equally important, is whether we are able to receive compliments, kind words and compassionate gestures from other people. Surprisingly, this can be just as tough as generating self-compassion.

Taking in good stuff – why it’s hard

With many of my clients, I have noticed over the years that when they are given a compliment, they bat it away. ‘Oh, anyone could have done it,’ they say, or ‘It really wasn’t that great.’

The same thing happens with kind words, offers of help and support, expressions of love and affection – all are deflected, batted away, subtly rejected. When I have said something warm and complimentary, telling them how big-hearted they are, or how much I like them, some of my clients actually flinch, as if I have said something cruel and hurtful.

And this is such a shame, because I am offering them a chance to feel good about themselves, to counter the often harsh, negative and unpleasant messages they have received from family members their whole lives.

But this is precisely the problem. If, as a small child, you are on the receiving end of a barrage of hurtful attacks, whether verbal or physical, you quickly learn to create some kind of armour to protect yourself. This armour may take the form of a part that helps you detach and shut down inside (called the Detached Protector in schema therapy), so you feel numb, rather than sensitive and vulnerable to being hurt.

It may look like avoiding difficult people or situations at all costs. The armour might be behavioural, like distracting yourself with your phone, or using substances to help you feel numb or disconnected from your emotions, because they hurt too much.

And all these forms of armour make sure you never feel open, vulnerable, exposing your soft belly to the world. Because you have learned that if you do so, you will be attacked, rejected or hurt in some other way.

So no wonder you push away compliments or kind words! Because to receive them you need to be vulnerable, to trust, to be open – and these can all feel threatening, especially if you have a big trauma history.

The practice

I developed this practice, which I call the Treasure Chest, to help one of my clients struggling to take in kindness and compassion from others – you might find it helpful too.

  1. First, I want you to imagine that somewhere inside – your heart, maybe – you have a treasure chest. And this chest is yours and yours alone. Nobody else gets to use it. Nobody else can access it – just you.

  2. Close your eyes and take a moment to really imagine this chest – what’s it like? What shape is it? What is it made of? What colour is it? Is it light, or heavy? Does it have any decorations or patterns on the outside? The more vivid this detail, the more real it will seem to your brain when you need to use it.

  3. Now, here’s the hard bit. Next time somebody offers you a kind word, or compliment, instead of reflexively shrugging it off or batting it away, I want you to imagine taking this lovely thing and storing it in your treasure chest. Remember, nobody knows it’s there. No-one can access it. It’s just for you.

  4. You could visualise the kindness as a piece of treasure, like a gold coin or beautiful, light-filled jewel. And as you store it in your secret chest, see if you can allow yourself to feel it, even a tiny bit, too. So if someone says, ‘I love the way you’re always so wise and know exactly what to say when I’m feeling down,’ if you let yourself, you might feel just a bit proud. There may be a small ripple of warmth in your belly, chest and throat. You might even feel yourself walking a few inches taller, that your chest has expanded a little, or shoulders relaxed and dropped.

  5. It can also be helpful to start a journal, writing these gifts down there, too. If you get a lovely email, you could store it in a special folder (mine is called Hardwiring Happiness and I keep all sorts of heartwarming messages there). Write it, draw it, keep it in some concrete form – this will help make your treasure more real and make sure you don’t lose it.

  6. If you keep doing this, bit by bit, slowly your treasure chest fills up. And you learn to accept those kindnesses and compassionate gestures, rather than pushing them away. Then, over time, that starts to change the way you feel – about yourself, about other people, about the world and your future. Nothing radical or dramatic, just slow, steady, incremental change. Until one day, you feel a bit happier, a little better about yourself, a tiny bit more confident and self-valuing. And that has to be a good thing, right?

I really hope that helps. And if you would like to experience me teaching this and lots of other helpful techniques live, come along to my next webinar: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion, which takes place from 3-4.30pm on Saturday 28th May 2022.

I hope to see you there – and am sending you love and strength, whatever you might be struggling with right now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

I am a meditation teacher for Insight Timer, where you will find a wealth of resources (mostly free/donation-based) including courses, breathing techniques, guided imagery, mindfulness and self-compassion practices and much more.