Many of us are overly self-critical, focusing on our perceived failings and ignoring our many strengths and good qualities. For example, you may think you are a failure, or just not good enough in some fundamental way. This kind of thinking is, clearly, extremely unhelpful – and can lead to low self-esteem, depression, eating disorders, anxiety disorders and many other psychological and life-limiting problems.

In schema therapy, we see one or more schemas at the root of these problems, particularly Defectiveness/Shame, which is perhaps the most common schema I see in my clients. This might form in early childhood, for example if you have parents who tell you that you’re slow, or stupid, or a bit too chubby.

You might get bullied by your siblings, or find it hard to measure up to them, especially if you’re the youngest. Or the schema might develop at school, if you have (especially undiagnosed) dyslexia, struggle with one or more subjects, or find it hard to make friends.

How negative beliefs develop

As a child, you might start to think ‘Maybe I am a bit stupid,’ or ‘Why can’t I keep up with the other kids? Maybe it’s true - I am clumsy and useless at sports.’ These thoughts begin to coalesce into deeply held beliefs – the cognitive layer of a schema.

You probably feel your confidence sinking through the floor, or a deep sense of shame at your perceived failings – this is the emotional part of the schema. And you feel those emotions in your body – shame can feel like a horrible prickling sensation in the skin, nausea or tightness in the throat. And this is the physiological part of the schema.

What then happens is that, as you get older, this psychological construct gets triggered by people, situations or events that remind you of the stressful events from your childhood. You fail your driving test and suddenly your Defectiveness schema gets triggered and you are gripped by intense feelings of worthlessness and shame, which are completely disproportionate to the situation (you could just take another test – it’s not such a big deal). This is how schemas operate, which is what makes them so painful and the root cause of every psychological problem.

Schemas can be healed

The good news is that, although they are stubborn and hard to change, schemas can be healed. Using techniques like imagery and chair work, or the attachment-based relational approaches that make up ‘limited reparenting’, we can slowly but surely start to challenge and modify the schema.

We might help to modify some of those unhelpful beliefs about being stupid or useless; work on the unhelpful modes that keep you behaving in self-destructive or self-limiting ways; help you focus on and enjoy your successes, which you probably discount or ignore; keep pointing out your strengths and good qualities, to meet those parenting needs that were not met for you as a child.

Using these techniques and ways of understanding your problems, schema therapy offers a powerful, effective and deeply compassionate way of helping even the most hard-to-treat problems.

Warm wishes,

Dan