Claire van den Bosch Psychotherapist

Can You Turn Towards Your Suffering with Compassion?

Life is suffering. This is the first of the four Buddhist Noble Truths. Of course, life can also be beautiful. This can be in big ways. The birth of my grandchild last month, my sister’s incredible promotion after years of employment struggles, or the TARGIT-IORT breast cancer treatment research breakthrough recently.

The beauty of life can also be found in the smallest forms, far from the headlines. Being held in the understanding arms of the nurse at the hospital last week. Watching my cat rolling around in joy while my husband tickles her belly. Seeing two friends crying laughing and clutching on to each other in the station this morning.

Claire van den Bosch, Clinical Director of Heal Your Trauma

One powerful way of tending to our own suffering is to intentionally balance what we’re paying attention to, so that we’re also noticing the beauty.

Another powerful way of tending to our own suffering is – instead of turning our attention away from it – turning attention towards it. Sitting down with it, and opening up the tender heart of self-compassion towards it. And there is a form of suffering that I feel most moved to bring into focus in this post: the suffering of judging and shaming our suffering.

How often does a part of us observe the pain we’re in about something and ask, ‘What are you getting so upset about?’ Or, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Or, ‘When are you going to grow up?’ Or, ‘When are you going to get over this/stop being so sensitive/stop being such a baby?’

I’ve heard other practitioners refer to this as negative negativity or ‘the unnecessary suffering’.

The common humanity of suffering

In my experience of my own system, and my clients’, this self-shaming is a huge and extraordinarily human aspect of our suffering, and one of the most painful kinds, to the extent that shame is arguably the most painful of emotions.

The good news is that it is also the form of suffering most amenable to transformation through the healing power of self-compassion. As Kristin Neff reminds us repeatedly in her beautiful meditations, when we are suffering it’s possible to respond to our suffering – rather than with the voice of, ‘Why are you being such a baby?’ – with the voice of, ‘Wow. Yes. This is really hard right now. It’s really painful to feel like this. And it’s also deeply human. I know I am not alone in feeling like this sometimes. In this experience, may I be kind to and supportive of myself in the way I would with a dear friend who was having the same experience.’

Something I am struck by right now is that there are so many forms of suffering over which we are powerless. Perhaps the majority. This was very alive for me this week, supporting a friend whose daughter is experiencing the extreme distress of what seems to fit the description of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which neither my dear friend or her daughter had ever heard of.

What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

RSD (you can read more about it here) is a frequently experienced, but often misunderstood part of ADHD. It can be an excruciating experience, beyond the territory of the more familiar realms of insecurity, rejection, suspicion and fear that most humans encounter in relationship from time to time.

It can feel like an unbearable howl of devastation, like a nuclear rage, an utter determination to remove ourselves permanently from someone’s orbit, to punish, or the compulsion to relentlessly demand. It can come as an absolute conviction that we are being slighted, humiliated or secretly ridiculed. It can often precipitate self-harm – and can also ultimately prompt the sufferer to create a life that avoids any chance of feeling these feelings. Which is likely, of course, to become a life of loneliness, emptiness and shame.

It is almost inevitable that someone experiencing RSD (especially if they don’t know that RSD is a thing, a matter of how the brain is wired, and a kind of distress not experienced by everyone) will experience extreme shame about their suffering. Part of them knows that their intense feelings are out of proportion in some way to the circumstances. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ ‘I’m a hideous human being,’ ‘I’m crazy,’ ‘Why can’t I control myself?’

When diagnoses can be helpful

This is one of the reasons I believe diagnosis – of whatever we have going on – can be powerfully helpful for many of us. To discover that there is an explanation that something was never within our control, that we are suffering with something dreadful that others also suffer with – can be profoundly de-shaming. Whether it’s RSD, neurodivergence in general, the menopause, a dissociative disorder, adrenal fatigue, or any of the countless neurological, organic or hormonally caused experiences with psychological and behavioural symptoms, the discovery that our experiences are not after all evidence of a weakness of character can be a profound relief.

But in truth, none of our experiences – even the most negatively consequential for ourselves and others – are evidence of weakness in our character, if we can find the courage and external support to bring radical curiosity to them. You may find Dan’s guided meditation, Working with Your Inner Critic, helpful for this endeavour.

And nothing facilitates this deep discovery more powerfully than bringing compassion to our suffering.

In place of the ‘What’s wrong with you?’ ‘You’re so crazy/lazy/stupid,’ we can begin to cultivate the heart reflex of ‘Wow, this is so painful, this is really hard, this is genuinely a moment of suffering for me. Please may I be kind to myself.’

In this way the first suffering may remain unchanged – the anguish of RSD jealousy, the snappy reactions of the menopause – but we have transformed the second layer of suffering, the shame about the suffering, into heartfelt kindness towards ourselves and a felt connection with the rest of humanity.

If you recognise the potential benefit for you of learning to cultivate deeper self-compassion, do sign up for our webinar on 27th May, The Healing Power of Self-Compassion, using the button below.

With love,

Claire

 

Book Your Place on Our Overcoming Addiction Workshop in London this April

If you struggle with addiction or compulsive behaviours, book your place on a one-day, in-person workshop co-presented by Dan Roberts, Advanced Accredited Schema Therapist, Trainer & Supervisor and Founder of Heal Your Trauma and Claire van den Bosch, Psychotherapist, addiction expert and Clinical Director of Heal Your Trauma. Overcoming Addiction: Heal Your Pain and Escape the Addictive Cycle is the latest in a series of monthly Heal Your Trauma webinars and workshops. 

This event, which will be both highly informative and experiential, will take place from 10.30am-4.30pm on Saturday 29th April 2023. It will be held at The Gestalt Centre, near King’s Cross in Central London. The Gestalt Centre is easily reached by bus, Tube or mainline rail, being a 10-minute walk from King’s Cross Station.

This event has a limited number of free places available if you need them – or please choose the Reduced-Fee Ticket or Supporter Ticket options when booking if you are able to support the Heal Your Trauma project. Every penny we receive, after covering expenses, is invested in the project so we can help as many people as possible with their mental health.

Overcoming Addiction: Heal Your Pain and Escape the Addictive Cycle features teaching from us, combined with powerful individual and group exercises, to help you feel more centred and able to support the parts of you that have learned to find solutions with addictive or compulsive behaviours. You will also have the chance, throughout the day, to put your questions to Dan Roberts and Claire van den Bosch, leading experts on trauma, mental health and addiction.

In this powerful, highly experiential workshop you will learn:

  • Why trauma is often a crucial factor in addiction, as people with a trauma history often have a ‘dysregulated’ nervous system, which makes you more reactive/impulsive and so more likely to use substances/behaviours to numb painful emotions, as well as to experience the stimulation of feeling alive 

  • The key role of core developmental needs in addiction and how – when these needs are not met, for any reason - you are more vulnerable to addiction in later life

  • How these unmet developmental needs create painful ‘schemas’, which play a key role in the addictive cycle

  • How, through the eyes of Internal Family Systems, trauma and unmet developmental needs prompt lonely, young un-resourced parts of us to learn how to soothe distress in the only ways available at the time

  • How in turn other lonely, young un-resourced parts of us try to mitigate the negative consequences of addictive behaviours and how this internal battle ends up feeling stuck and looping

  • The powerful insights about addictive cycles offered by the Internal Family Systems model, which teaches us that when wounded young parts are triggered, protective parts rush in to try to numb the pain as quickly as possible, using various substances or behaviours

  • The wide range of substances and behaviours we can class as addictive/compulsive, including alcohol, prescription/recreational drugs, junk foods, sex and pornography, excessive phone/social media use, gambling, shopping, working, thinking, smoking and many more – and how common and human it is to have these patterns

  • How some, if not all addictions need to also be understood from the perspective of hijacked brain chemistry and behavioural conditioning in ways that leave even the most determined of us experiencing powerlessness

  • The central and painful role of shame in the addictive cycle and how compassion is both possible and essential for recovery

  • How to use a selection of experiential exercises – such as Compassionate Breathing, and 4-7-8 Breathing, inner dialogue, guided meditations and imagery, trigger diaries and more – to help you feel calmer/regulate your nervous system, making you more able to respond wisely to cravings and find new, more effective and healthier ways to calm yourself when stressed, anxious, upset or generally triggered

Don’t miss this chance to learn from two leading trauma therapists and experts on mental health, wellbeing and addiction – book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 
 

Don’t Miss Our Overcoming Addiction Workshop in London – 26th November 2022

If you struggle with addiction or compulsive behaviours, book your place on a one-day, in-person workshop co-presented by Dan Roberts, Advanced Accredited Schema Therapist, Trainer & Supervisor and Founder of Heal Your Trauma and Claire van den Bosch, UKCP-accredited Psychotherapist and an expert on treating addiction. Overcoming Addiction: Heal Your Pain and Escape the Addictive Cycle is the latest in a series of regular Heal Your Trauma webinars and workshops throughout 2022. 

This event, which will be both highly informative and experiential, will take place from 10.30am-4.30pm on Saturday 26th November 2022. It will be held at The Gestalt Centre, near King’s Cross in Central London. The Gestalt Centre is easily reached by bus, Tube or mainline rail, being a 10-minute walk from King’s Cross Station.

This event is booking up fast, so don’t miss this chance to learn from two leading trauma therapists and experts on mental health, wellbeing and addiction – watch the video for more information and book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Come to My Overcoming Addiction Workshop in London on 26th November 2022

 

A Compassionate Approach to Overcoming Addiction

When Dan and I decided to run a workshop together on Overcoming Addiction I felt extremely excited! Dan has become one of my most respected colleagues and a dear friend – and I'd collaborate with him on a workshop about tractors if he asked me to.

But this topic is also one I'm passionate about – and understanding addictive processes and supporting other so-called addicts like me on their healing journey is probably my life's deepest purpose, at least when I'm not on my motorbike.

I've been professionally upfront about my status as a recovering addict for around 10 years, because I was ‘raised’ in 12-Step recovery where we support one another through sharing our own experience, strength and hope so others can identify and begin to be freed from isolation and shame, which are often such painful aspects of living with addictive struggles.   

The times have changed so much when it comes to common perceptions of addiction, but not as much as I would wish. I still meet people who see addicts as lacking willpower and being weak including, very often, the person with the addictive struggle themselves. Being able to understand some of the basic brain science of powerlessness and behavioural conditioning that puts so many behaviours out of the reach of conscious control is essential if we're going to have a chance of changing our patterns. 

Childhood distress and addiction

So is being able to understand the role of childhood distress. The distress can be dramatic, obvious experiences that are the easiest for us to label as ‘trauma’ – and also the quiet, understated and lonely experiences of lack. We lack the kinds of good-enough caretaking that is required by the human organism (and many other mammals) for the development of a well-regulated nervous system and the acquisition of adaptive behavioural strategies for navigating the minefield of life. 

Understanding the role of trauma in the development of addiction isn't a blame-focused witch-hunt. Nine times out of 10 our caregivers were doing the best they could with their own struggling nervous systems, their own lack of resources and their inherited beliefs about parenting. Cultivating a victim-mindset is no more productive in our desire to heal than maintaining a stance of misguided self-shaming. 

But understanding the damage sustained by our still-tender nervous systems and psyches can facilitate the opening of our hearts to ourselves, including all the ways we’ve learned to cope, and from there can arise the feelings of empowerment to take responsibility for our recovery in ways that really work. 

And we are learning more and more about the ways that really work. The power of psychological approaches like Schema Therapy, Internal Family Systems work, Compassion-Focused Mindfulness, and theoretical frameworks like the framework of Core Developmental Needs, is becoming available to more and more struggling humans than ever before, as we strive to find ways of living in our amazing and challenging world with integrity, respect, joy, purpose and a growing sense of peace. 

Healing for everyone, everywhere

One of the reasons I love Dan and his work so much is that he believes in doing what he can to make healing available to as many people as possible, regardless of their financial means and especially when one-to-one, trauma-informed therapy may be inaccessible. I believe in this vision. I also believe, and I know Dan does too, in the power of connection and community.

Being able to create a day-long workshop for a group of humans all struggling in similar ways, where they can experience the power of a group, as well as the benefits of well-trained and experienced professionals – that really, really lights me up. 

If you struggle with addiction or compulsive behaviours, we'd both love to welcome you to our one-day workshop which we're designing to be both highly informative and experiential. It will take place from 10.30am-4.30pm on Saturday 26th November 2022 at the Gestalt Centre, near King’s Cross in Central London. In keeping with the Heal Your Trauma vision, the workshop will have a limited number of places available for free, if you are struggling financially for any reason.

Otherwise, you can choose the Donation Ticket option to support the Heal Your Trauma project. All donations we receive, after covering expenses, go to support the project and make sure that all of our content is available to everyone, everywhere. You can find the booking page here.

May you be well, and may you be free of suffering and the causes of that suffering.

Love,

Claire

•Claire van den Bosch is a UKCP-accredited psychotherapist and an expert on healing trauma and addiction. Find out more about Claire at atimetoheal.london