Moving from Feeling Disconnected to Integrated and Whole

Image by Duy Pham/Unsplash

We all do things we regret, make mistakes, feel embarrassed or ashamed in some way. Making mistakes and feeling bad about them is a fundamental part of being human, whether we like it or not. And in some ways, this is a good thing – feeling remorse and regret for our stumbles is part of our internal system of checks and balances. We could argue that many of our political and corporate leaders cause such harm in the world right now because they seem to lack these vital, self-regulating thoughts and feelings.

We also have parts of us we don’t like, are ashamed of or want to ignore, avoid or – ideally – expel completely from our psyche. And the two problems are linked, because internal parts are engaged in regretful activities, like drinking too much or hurting someone’s feelings with a barbed remark. And other parts hold all the pain, guilt and shame about those activities. But no matter how hard we try to delete those memories, or ignore the hurt-filled parts, it just doesn’t work. In fact, the harder we try the worse it gets, because it’s like pushing an air-filled ball under the surface of a swimming pool – eventually, it comes surging back up.

Memories work like that too. This is part of the problem in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), where people (completely understandably) try and suppress memories of the traumatic incident. And desperately trying not to think about it, or using alcohol to numb our painful thoughts and feelings, works for a while. It just never works completely, or for long, so those memories come surging back in the form of flashbacks, which can be intense and overwhelming, especially when they seem to come out of the blue.

Why integration is key

If you have PTSD and go for trauma-focused CBT, a key phase of the treatment is learning to face your trauma memories so they can be processed, carefully and safely. This memory-processing is also fundamental to EMDR, schema therapy, internal family systems and any of the various trauma therapies. It helps you de-traumatise the memories, reducing their emotional intensity, as well as gaining an accurate picture of what actually happened, rather than the distorted picture we often form after experiencing a ‘Big T’ trauma like a car crash, natural disaster or assault.

The memories can then be moved into a different memory system in your brain, so they are just part of what happened to you in your life, along with all the good (birthdays, wedding, birth of your kids) and neutral (what you ate for breakfast today, how pointless that meeting was last week). This memory system is called autobiographical memory, because it’s the story of your life. And once memories are filed in this way, they stop coming back as scary and disturbing flashbacks – they have been integrated, which in so many ways is the key to optimal mental health and wellbeing.

Bringing parts back home

I have written before about integrating disowned or disliked parts of yourself, like the part that makes you drink, or gamble, or the one who has multiple affairs. Rather than hating or trying to lock these parts in dimly lit basements of your mind, internal family systems (IFS) offers a profoundly healing pathway that involves learning to treat these parts with understanding and compassion, welcoming them rather than pushing them away.

This is especially important if you have experienced severe trauma, as your mind becomes much more fragmented, with parts that are split off and compartmentalised, meaning they are stuck in those basements and not allowed to come out. In IFS these parts are called exiles and, like all exiles, we need to find a way of bringing them back home. This is not easy, especially if you are a trauma survivor, but it is always possible. That’s because, at your core, is a compassionate Self, an inner resource that is kind and loving, with a drive to health that inherently includes integration – of all parts, not just the cute, lovable ones but every single part of you.

This idea of integration is also at the heart of my work with clients, which not only values internal integration, but also the integration of powerful, trauma-informed therapy models – watch this space for my trauma-healing self-help book, due to be published next year.

You might also enjoy this practice from my Insight Timer collection: Sending Loving-Kindness to Every Part of You: IFS Meditation. I have posted this one before, but if you haven’t tried it I think you’ll find it useful, especially viewed through the lens of integration, as it will help you turn towards all of your parts with a warm, loving energy. Click the button below to listen to the practice now.

I hope it helps – and wishing you calm, peace and happiness in these challenging times.

Love,

Dan ❤️

How to Resolve Painful Inner Conflict

Image by Jonathan Meyer

Have you ever felt like there is a battle raging inside? Feeling a powerful urge to do something, while an equal but opposite force urges you not to? This battle is often fiercest when we are trying to give something up, like comfort-eating food we know is not good for us, or trying to quit smoking. One force inside says, ‘Eat the cake!’ or ‘Just have one cigarette, you know you want to. You can always quit tomorrow.’

But the opposing force responds, ‘Don’t be an idiot! You know how much you want to lose weight before your wedding,’ or ‘Are you kidding me? You watched your grandpa die of lung cancer. How could you even think about smoking again?’

And this internal battle plays out, over and over. Sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other. And it’s so frustrating, isn’t it? Whatever you do, it can feel like you’re at the mercy of forces more powerful than yourself. Eat the cake, don’t eat the cake. Just have one cigarette, don’t have a cigarette. And on it goes, until you’re exhausted from all the fighting.

When parts get polarised

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has a name for this battle – it’s called a ‘polarisation’. This means that two parts (or sometimes teams of parts) get polarised inside, trying to protect you with completely opposing strategies. Let’s look at this through the lens of someone trying to drink moderately, after years of problematic drinking.

Imagine you have, finally, taken steps to reduce your drinking. Your partner and family have been worried about you for years, but you resisted their entreaties to cut back, insisting you didn’t have a problem and drinking helped you blow off steam from your highly stressful job. Your doctor has also started expressing concern, after tests showed early signs of liver damage. After years of denial, you must face the truth: your drinking has become a real problem and if you don’t cut back, your relationships and health will suffer.

You go out for dinner with a friend on one of your newly designated sober days. Unfortunately, he is one of your old drinking buddies and thinks everyone’s making a big fuss about nothing. He orders a bottle of your favourite wine and, before you can stop him, pours you a large glass. ‘Cheers!’ he says with a mischievous glint in his eye, raising his glass for a toast. And the internal battle that has been raging for months starts up again.

Inside you hear two voices, one saying ‘Go on, what’s the harm? You know you’ll love it. And think about how stressed you’ve been all day. Your boss was a nightmare and you felt like you were having a panic attack in that big meeting. One glass will really take the edge off.’ With this siren song comes a powerful, visceral urge to pick up the glass and take a big gulp.

But another voice stops you. ‘What the hell are you thinking?’ it says in a worried, urgent tone. ‘You know what the doctor said – keep drinking and you’ll end up with cirrhosis. Your wife will leave you and you’ll lose everything. And you’ll feel so ashamed after you drink it, won’t you? Like you’ve failed, yet again.’

See the polarisation? One protective part, which is called a Firefighter in IFS, wants you to drink the wine to numb out all the stress and anxiety of your day. The other protector, called a Manager, has the exact opposite strategy for avoiding painful feelings like embarrassment and shame. The irony is that both parts have the same goal – avoiding painful feelings – but try to achieve that goal using diametrically opposing strategies.

Who are they protecting?

Imagine an upside-down triangle, with these warring parts at the top two corners, pulling in opposite directions. And at the base of that triangle is another part – the one they are trying to protect. This is almost always a young, hurt little kid who is feeling all the painful feelings above: stress, anxiety and overwhelm about your job and potentially embarrassment and shame about drinking when you swore not to.

So this is the part who needs help. Sadly though, as long as we’re laser-focused on the protectors, we lose sight of the only strategy that will actually work, and end this war – identifying, connecting with and healing the hurt young part. There are many routes to this inner-child healing, but my favourite is following a number of ‘healing steps’ in IFS. After we heal this young part, we go back to the protectors and see if they are willing to give up their extreme roles – usually they are, which is great.

Next time you’re struggling this way, especially in an ‘addictive process’ involving the compulsive use of some substance or activity, think about the upside-down triangle. Remember there are at least three parts involved in the process, even if you can only see one. And remember that, at the root of your problems is a small, scared, upset or lonely child, who just needs comfort, love and a big hug.

If you would like to start working on any polarisations in your inner system, try my Fire Drill meditation. This is a highly effective way to approach one of these polarised parts with curiosity and compassion, rather than frustration and hostility. You can listen now, for free, by clicking on the button below.

I hope it helps – and sending you warm thoughts if you are struggling right now, for any reason.

Love,

Dan ❤️