We all do things we regret, make mistakes, feel embarrassed or ashamed in some way. Making mistakes and feeling bad about them is a fundamental part of being human, whether we like it or not. And in some ways, this is a good thing – feeling remorse and regret for our stumbles is part of our internal system of checks and balances. We could argue that many of our political and corporate leaders cause such harm in the world right now because they seem to lack these vital, self-regulating thoughts and feelings.

We also have parts of us we don’t like, are ashamed of or want to ignore, avoid or – ideally – expel completely from our psyche. And the two problems are linked, because internal parts are engaged in regretful activities, like drinking too much or hurting someone’s feelings with a barbed remark. And other parts hold all the pain, guilt and shame about those activities. But no matter how hard we try to delete those memories, or ignore the hurt-filled parts, it just doesn’t work. In fact, the harder we try the worse it gets, because it’s like pushing an air-filled ball under the surface of a swimming pool – eventually, it comes surging back up.

Memories work like that too. This is part of the problem in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), where people (completely understandably) try and suppress memories of the traumatic incident. And desperately trying not to think about it, or using alcohol to numb our painful thoughts and feelings, works for a while. It just never works completely, or for long, so those memories come surging back in the form of flashbacks, which can be intense and overwhelming, especially when they seem to come out of the blue.

Why integration is key

If you have PTSD and go for trauma-focused CBT, a key phase of the treatment is learning to face your trauma memories so they can be processed, carefully and safely. This memory-processing is also fundamental to EMDR, schema therapy, internal family systems and any of the various trauma therapies. It helps you de-traumatise the memories, reducing their emotional intensity, as well as gaining an accurate picture of what actually happened, rather than the distorted picture we often form after experiencing a ‘Big T’ trauma like a car crash, natural disaster or assault.

The memories can then be moved into a different memory system in your brain, so they are just part of what happened to you in your life, along with all the good (birthdays, wedding, birth of your kids) and neutral (what you ate for breakfast today, how pointless that meeting was last week). This memory system is called autobiographical memory, because it’s the story of your life. And once memories are filed in this way, they stop coming back as scary and disturbing flashbacks – they have been integrated, which in so many ways is the key to optimal mental health and wellbeing.

Bringing parts back home

I have written before about integrating disowned or disliked parts of yourself, like the part that makes you drink, or gamble, or the one who has multiple affairs. Rather than hating or trying to lock these parts in dimly lit basements of your mind, internal family systems (IFS) offers a profoundly healing pathway that involves learning to treat these parts with understanding and compassion, welcoming them rather than pushing them away.

This is especially important if you have experienced severe trauma, as your mind becomes much more fragmented, with parts that are split off and compartmentalised, meaning they are stuck in those basements and not allowed to come out. In IFS these parts are called exiles and, like all exiles, we need to find a way of bringing them back home. This is not easy, especially if you are a trauma survivor, but it is always possible. That’s because, at your core, is a Compassionate Self, an inner resource that is kind and loving, with a drive to health that inherently includes integration – of all parts, not just the cute, lovable ones but every single part of you.

This idea of integration is also at the heart of my integrative trauma therapy approach, which not only values internal integration, but also the integration of powerful, trauma-informed therapy models into a unified, healing whole. You can find out more about my approach here – and watch this space for my trauma-healing self-help book, due to be published next year.

You might also enjoy this practice from my Insight Timer collection: Sending Loving-Kindness to Every Part of You: IFS Meditation. I have posted this one before, but if you haven’t tried it I think you’ll find it useful, especially viewed through the lens of integration, as it will help you turn towards all of your parts with a warm, loving energy. Click the button below to listen to the practice now.

I hope it helps – and wishing you calm, peace and happiness in these challenging times.

Love,

Dan ❤️

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