Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

Elaine Aron is an American clinical psychologist who has spent her career researching, writing about and providing therapy to Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs). Aron discovered this group and set about testing her theory that some people are more sensitive than most – she believes HSPs make up about 20 per cent of the population. Her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, is written for HSPs like herself, as she is an unusually sensitive individual too. 

I must admit that this book has had a huge impact on me. Not only does it describe at least 90 per cent of the people I work with, but it also describes me with eye-opening accuracy. HSPs, according to Aron, have an unusually sensitive nervous system.

This means that they pick up on far more of the information in their environments than less-sensitive people. They are affected by bright lights, loud noises, crowds and strong smells. If there is tension in a room, they will pick it up and find it uncomfortable. They will intuit which people in a group are friends and who dislikes each other. They are like tuning forks for subtle interpersonal vibes.

Aron is quick to point out that being an HSP does not make us superior to our less-sensitive friends, family members or colleagues. This sensitivity is a trait – largely genetic but also affected by our life experiences – that is neutral. In some ways, it is a real advantage – I always tell my clients that I could not be a schema therapist without a high level of sensitivity. Being this sensitive makes me, and all other HSPs, more thoughtful, empathic, attuned to other people and their needs, as well as a whole host of other good things.

Sensitivity is no bad thing

But perhaps the most important point that Aron makes – and one I really want you to take on board – is that being sensitive is in no way a bad thing. I don't know about you, but all my life people have told me I should be less sensitive. 'It's just a joke – stop taking things so seriously!' Or, 'Why do you always make such a big deal about things? Just man up and toughen up, for God's sake.' Don't be so shy/introverted; be the life and soul, speak louder, be more of a 'character'. 

For men especially, sensitivity is often seen as a weakness, or something to be ashamed of. Many HSPs get bullied at school, for precisely this reason. And extra-sensitive women are often told they are crazy, or over-emotional, because they feel things deeply and cannot just lighten up, or get a grip, or let it go.

So if this describes you, please understand that there is nothing wrong with you – and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. You are just genetically, temperamentally, a bit different from most other people. This probably means that you have been very much affected by difficulties in your childhood, or family of origin.

You may have an anxiety disorder, or get depressed. You may even have personality problems, or struggle with addiction. All of these things need help, from a professional like me or one of my colleagues, who are trained to help sensitive people (and less-sensitive ones, of course) become happier and healthier. I would also strongly recommend reading this book.

And if it describes you, give it to your partner, friends and family, so they can better understand you and why you behave as you do.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Are You an Orchid or a Dandelion?

Image by Petra Kessler

One of the key ideas I always share with my clients is that we all have a certain temperament, which we are born with and which has a profound impact on the way that life experiences, good or bad, affect us. Many of my clients have a sensitive, emotional temperament, which means that they are much more affected by problems in the family than someone with a robust, more intellectual temperament.

It's important to emphasise that having a certain kind of temperament is neither good nor bad – it's just like being born with brown or blonde hair, blue or green eyes, not your choice or fault in any way but simply how you arrived on this planet.

I also tell my clients that I have a sensitive, emotional temperament too. This can make life difficult at times, as I am affected deeply by negative experiences and my childhood was pretty bumpy, to say the least. But it also bestows on me particular talents and gifts – I could not be a therapist without this kind of temperament. After all, you wouldn't want a therapist who was insensitive, unempathic or unkind! 

Dandelion children

Psychologists have, in recent years, been investigating the theory that we are all either orchids or dandelions. This is based on the Swedish idea that 'dandelion children' are pretty robust and do well in any environment, even if the parenting and family dynamic are less than perfect.

US psychologists Bruce Ellis and W. Thomas Boyce extended this idea to include 'orchid children', who were especially sensitive and so needed just the right conditions to thrive. In practice, that means loving, nurturing parents; a relatively calm and stable family environment; and no traumatic experiences during childhood.

If orchids have a difficult family dynamic, they will struggle – developing a number of schemas which will affect them throughout their life and very likely experience depression or anxiety, among other problems, when these schemas are triggered by stressful events. But, if these sensitive children are well-nurtured, they will bloom into beautiful young people and later adults – just like the orchids above.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Schema Therapy or CBT – Which is Right for You?

Image by Morgan Housel

If you are struggling with psychological problems, you may be thinking about having some therapy – but which kind of therapy should you choose? I am trained in both cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) and schema therapy – two of the most effective forms of 'talking therapy' currently available – and provide schema therapy at my North London practice. Here is a guide to which therapy is the best fit for different kinds of problems...

CBT is widely recognised to be the most effective, evidence-based form of therapy ever created. Founded by Dr Aaron Beck in the 1960s (originally as just 'cognitive therapy' – the B was added later on), CBT has been proven to be effective at treating depression, anxiety disorders such as OCD or health anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia, eating disorders, anger management problems, addiction... the list goes on.

If your problem is relatively short-term (for example, one episode of depression rather than many); if you are functioning fairly well in most aspects of your life, but struggling with a specific problem like anxiety or depression; if you would prefer a short-term treatment; and if, perhaps, you have had CBT before and found it helpful, or have been recommended CBT by your GP or another medical professional, then CBT is probably the right choice for you. It is always possible to have CBT to reduce upsetting symptoms, such as panic attacks, and then move on to schema therapy afterwards to address more deep-rooted problems.

When schema therapy is the best option

In general, it's best to opt for schema therapy (ST) if your problems are longstanding – for example, if you have been struggling with recurrent episodes of depression for much of your life. Problems related to a difficult childhood, to extremely critical parents, say, or if you experienced abuse, neglect or traumatic incidents as a child, are best treated with schema therapy.

CBT will be helpful up to a point, but schema therapy is designed to heal painful/unhelpful ways of thinking, feeling and behaving at a deep level – otherwise you may find problems coming back after therapy when you experience a period of stress, say, or a relationship breakup.

Schema therapy was developed by Dr Jeffrey Young in the 1990s to treat people with personality problems – especially Borderline Personality Disorder, which can have a profound effect on someone's life and was poorly treated before approaches like schema therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) came along.

Because it's intended to help with deep-rooted problems, schema therapy is a slower, longer-term approach than CBT. Generally, I tell my clients that 20 sessions are the minimum – and therapy can last for a year or more for really hard-to-treat problems. It's important to note that schema therapy is not just for personality problems – it is now used to treat all of the difficulties people seek therapy for.

In terms of how it feels to have ST versus CBT,  I would say that schema therapy is a warmer, more compassionate, more nurturing approach than CBT. It's much more focused on the relationship between therapist and client, rather than specific techniques to change thinking or behaviour, which form the bulk of treatment in CBT. But of course because schema therapy is just a newer form of cognitive therapy, all of the CBT techniques are still available, if I think they will be helpful for you.

Warm wishes,

Dan