Depression can feel absolutely awful. When you’re really down, you might feel exhausted, as if the smallest task is utterly daunting. Your thoughts will probably be incredibly negative and laser-focused on everything that is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ about you. You might feel either agitated or empty and frozen inside. You may sleep all the time or very badly, eat too much or hardly at all.

The way depression affects us varies widely from person to person. That’s why Paul Gilbert, one of my heroes in the therapy field and founder of compassion-focused therapy, says it’s better to think of ‘depressions’, as there are so many causes and manifestations of this incredibly common mood disorder. But whatever the cause and however it affects you, depression can be grim.

I know this from personal experience. After my father died, suddenly and traumatically when I was 24, I struggled with depression for many years. As well as losing him, which in itself turned my world upside down, that single traumatic event unlocked all the pain and hurt of my life up until then. I spent years in therapy, trying different therapists and approaches, none of which (I now know, with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight), were that effective or helpful.

Like many people struggling with mental-health problems, I self-medicated with alcohol and other substances. Again, I now understand that these substances were mostly doing two things: first, numbing the pain; and second, giving me a much-needed hit of distraction and dopamine, so I felt happy and good for a few hours. Sadly, those short-term bursts of excitement were followed by even worse bouts of depression, as well as self-loathing and profound disappointment in myself for doing it again.

Emerging into the light

I knew something had to change. So I retrained as a therapist (more accurately, I returned to this field after a stint in journalism, having first trained as a counsellor in 1994-7) and slowly got my life together. I did a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) course, which helped me integrate a daily meditation practice into my life. I have relished those 20 minutes of silence and stillness almost every day since then.

I found a kind, loving partner who is now my wife. She was there for me in some extremely tough times, as I have been there for her when she struggled. This alone has been incredibly healing for me – I feel deeply blessed and grateful to have this wonderful person in my life.

I began to study in great depth the newer, more scientific, brain-based approaches to therapy, like schema therapy, internal family systems therapy, cognitive therapy, MBCT, compassion-focused therapy and many more. For the first time I started to understand what causes depression, anxiety, stress and all the other psychological problems we are all vulnerable to, being beautiful but fragile humans.

A mind-body approach

It’s not always easy for me to be so open about my struggles with mental health (and even harder to admit to the self-medicating, which I very much regret), but I do so in my writing, teaching and therapy practice to ‘normalise’ both psychological difficulties and the ways we try to cope with them, however unhelpful they may be. I am a flawed, fragile human being, just like you. But I also talk about this stuff to say, this is what worked for me, so it could work for you too.

As well as all the learning I have done about the mind, brain, nervous system, different theories and models of psychotherapy, I have to say that one of the most powerful tools I have found to boost and regulate my mood is physical exercise. As I write this, I have just come back from the gym. I exercise almost every day, partly to help with some chronic back issues, but also because it just makes me feel so good!

There is a huge amount of research into the beneficial effects of moving your body on your thoughts, emotions and mood, so if you struggle with depression please do try moving, even a little. You may hate the gym, which is absolutely fine. How about swimming, in the local pool or better somewhere wild? Or dancing – play your favourite tunes, loud, and jump around a bit.

Martial arts are great, especially if you have a trauma history and want to feel safer in your body and your life. Yoga is amazing, providing nourishment and exercise for the body, mind and soul. There is also a great deal of evidence supporting yoga as a trauma-healing practice.

If you have a bike, go for a ride. If you have a garden, get digging and feel your hands in the soil, which also reconnects us to Nature and answers a call deep in your bones to live a wilder, more natural life.

Start with small steps

Having spent years struggling with depression, I know that someone advising you to exercise can feel irritating, even condescending. Of course you already know this! Your GP has probably told you, along with your friends, social-media feed, newspaper, numerous mental-health documentaries, and so on. But I have to say, sometimes we can know all the right things to do, but the hardest thing is actually doing them.

So start small. If you haven’t left the house for days, just go for a walk around the block. Breathe some fresh air. Move your body, a little – it’s desperate to move, trust me. Tomorrow try two blocks. The next day three… and before you know it, you are walking for an hour and noticing a real uplift in your mood.

This is not rocket science, I know, but it really does help.

You may also be interested in a Zoom webinar I’m planning on Saturday 15th October 2022: Overcoming Depression – How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Calmer, Happier & More Hopeful. Take a look at my Webinars & Workshops page if you would like to know more.

And I very much hope that some of my story is inspiring for you. It may help to know that I don’t get depressed any more. I have up days and down days, like everyone, but those long, awful bouts of depression are mercifully in my past.

I barely drink, apart from a few glasses of wine at the weekend. I mostly live a sober, mindful life. And I have a job I love, that brings great joy and meaning to my day-to-day existence. If I can turn my life around – which was a mess, trust me – so can anyone. Including you.

Sending you love and strength, whatever you might be struggling with right now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Humans are thinking creatures. More than any other animal on Earth, we have the ability to think, reason, analyse, remember our past and imagine a future that hasn’t even happened yet. That is because of the cortical layer of our brain, especially the prefrontal cortex – the most evolved part of our brain, which is involved in high-level, executive functions like impulse control, rational thought and predicting the consequences of behaviour.

And this miraculous supercomputer in our skulls is what allowed humans to write symphonies, build the Pyramids and fly to the Moon. That uniquely human brain is also what allows me to practice psychotherapy, or write this post. And it helps you problem-solve your way out of difficult situations – a vital and sometimes lifesaving skill.

When thinking is not your friend

But if you are struggling with your mental health, feeling highly stressed, anxious or depressed, thinking may not be your friend. That’s because the kind of thinking we do when we’re experiencing high levels of painful emotion can be deeply unhelpful. Let me give you an example.

Jane is a highly anxious, frequently worried type of person. And when she hits bumps in her life, she tries to think her way out of them. Jane engages that thinking brain and then worries, obsessively, projecting into the future with hundreds of ‘what if’ thoughts (‘What if my boss doesn’t like my work and I get sacked?’, ‘What if I can’t find another job?’, ‘What if I lose my home and end up on the street?’).

These obsessional, catastrophic thoughts are especially bad at night, when Jane lies there for hours worrying, worrying, worrying. This just makes her more anxious, stressed and, of course, exhausted. So the next day her resources are low and she feels ten times worse.

Keep it simple

In schema therapy language we would say Jane has a Perfectionistic Overcontroller mode, which tries to be in control all the time, hates uncertainty or feeling out of control, and believes that there is always a perfect solution if she just thinks long and hard enough! If I were helping Jane I would work with this mode to help it calm down a bit and give her a break from the relentless worrying.

I would then help Jane to develop a range of activities that did not involve thinking. This would first involve drawing up a list of coping skills. Try this yourself – write ‘coping skills’ on top of a blank sheet of paper. Then come up with 10 skills, with different types of activities you can use at different times. The first four skills I teach clients are always my Posture, Compassionate Breathing, Supportive Touch, Compassionate Self-Talk sequence (read all about those in this post).

Use what works for you

The other six are negotiated with my client, depending on what they find helpful, calming or relaxing. Yoga is fantastic, if it works for you. Mindfulness or other forms of meditation often go on the list. We might also add taking a long, luxurious bath; watching a TV show or movie you find comforting; calling a trusted friend; getting a hug from someone you love; stroking your favourite pet; drinking a warm, milky drink; going for a walk, preferably in some green space; reading a blog like this one, which focuses on improving mental health; listening to a song you find moving or joyful…

The list is endless, really. It’s just about finding ten things that will help you feel (depending on the emotion you are struggling with) calmer, more peaceful, more grounded, happier, more energised, or mindfully in touch with the present moment. Try it now – write up a list and then stick it on the wall next to your computer, on in your bedroom, where you will see it every day.

Then practice those skills, on a daily basis, until they become so familiar it’s like muscle memory. Over time, you will find that you are able to take the edge off whatever painful emotion you are feeling – that also gives you a strong foundation to begin therapy, use self-help books, or whatever way you choose to work on the deeper wounds that cause those painful emotions to bubble up.

I hope that helps. In my experience, it really does, so I hope it benefits you as much as it has hundreds of my clients.