We all have an inner critic – the part of us that gives us self-critical messages. This critic (which I call the Critical Part) is on a spectrum of harshness, from mild at one end (‘Come on Dan, that wasn’t a great blog post, was it?’) to harsh and aggressive at the other (‘Why do you always screw everything up Dan? You’re such a pathetic loser!’). The view in mainstream psychology is that this self-criticism is harmful, bad and must be silenced to stop us getting stressed, anxious or depressed.
Of course, if your Critical Part is at the harsher end of that spectrum, the messages it gives you will make you feel some kind of bad – sad, hurt, anxious, stressed, unconfident or ashamed. But having tried many different approaches to help people with this hurtful inner dialogue, I now believe that trying to silence the Critical Part just doesn’t work. And getting angry with it, or trying to get rid of that part of you doesn’t work either.
The critic is part of you
As I often say to my clients, it’s like really hating your left hand. You might not like it. You may even want to get rid of it. But it’s part of you! So whether you like it or not, it’s not going anywhere. Same goes for your Critical Part – like it or loathe it, this is a part of your inner world. You can’t get rid of it, any more than you can your hand. So it’s better to understand, even have compassion for this part.
So how do we do that? First, let’s try and understand its origin and function in your inner system. I believe most Critical Parts come online when you are around five years old. That’s the age when you start to get cognitive, when your brain has developed enough that you can start asking big questions, like ‘Who am I?’ or ‘Why does mummy love my sister more than me?’. You not only wonder about who you are as a person, what you’re good or bad at, what you like and dislike, but also start comparing yourself to your siblings and friends.
Protecting you from HARM
At this age you also figure out what makes your parents treat you well or badly. For example, if your dad gets drunk and screams at you for tiny mistakes, you learn to avoid making any mistake (like spilling your drink, or leaving toys scattered about the floor) that will trigger a scary, hurtful attack. I think that Critical Part is the hypervigilant inner guard dog, that barks at you when you make a mistake that might get you hurt.
Throughout your life, this part becomes more entrenched until, as an adult, it just seems like you. But it’s not – it’s just a part of you, that is barking at you when it thinks you have done or are about to do something that will get you hurt in some way (usually attacked or rejected). If we think about the Critical Part this way – that it’s actually protective – it seems a lot less like some big, scary monster.
And we can have compassion for it too, because in my consulting room I often see these parts freaking out. Your Critical Part is usually anxious, scared, hypervigilant for danger. Because of course it’s just part of you, so if you get hurt, it gets hurt.
Love every part of yourself
I wrote in a recent post that we need to develop love and compassion for every part of us, even the parts we dislike or hate. And that absolutely includes the Critical Part, because the only way to turn the volume down on that hurtful inner criticism is to reassure this part that it’s OK, we hear it, and we’re perfectly capable of handling whatever it thinks we can’t handle – scary boss, angry partner, presentation at work, or whatever the threatening person or situation may be. I will guide you in exactly how to do this in an upcoming post.
I am dedicated to helping people be kinder and more compassionate to themselves, so I hope this helps you, a little, with that hard and lifelong work.
Warm wishes,
Dan