What do you think you needed as a child? Things like food, water, air, of course. A warm, dry house to live in. Clean clothes, the chance to go to school. Good friends to play with, caring teachers to learn from, perhaps a pet. But what else? What were the key developmental ingredients that meant you would thrive as an infant, child, adolescent and then adult?

Well, schema therapy sees these core developmental needs as fundamentally important. Schema therapists like me spend a great deal of time educating our clients about them and finding out which needs were met and which unmet when they were young. The primary focus of schema therapy – and one of the key healing ingredients in this or any other type of therapy – is helping people get those needs met as adults.

We believe there are five core needs, that every child has in any culture and any period of history – we all need the same basic things to flourish as humans:

Love and a secure attachment
Safety and protection
To be valued as a unique human being
The ability to play, be spontaneous and express our emotions freely
Boundaries and learning right from wrong

In my opinion, the most important of these needs (after safety and protection, of course, without which we would not survive long as vulnerable little people) is the first – love and a secure attachment. But what does that mean, in concrete terms? Let me explain…

Secure vs insecure attachment

What do we mean by secure attachment? Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so here’s a photo of exactly what secure attachment looks and feels like. Both grandma and granddaughter have an attachment system in their brain (one of the most powerful systems we have, up there with the threat system in terms of neural dominance), which kicked in the moment that lucky little girl was born.

As a tiny infant she attached, probably first to mum, then dad, then siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, school friends, and so on, encompassing every key relationship throughout her life. And grandma attached to her, from the moment she first held that wonderful little bundle in her arms, sang her songs, whispered loving words, promised to cherish her forever.

I say ‘lucky’ because all of this love, warmth, safety and cherishing would help this girl feel securely attached and so develop a secure attachment style, which would stay fairly constant throughout her life – and help her have a series of close, nourishing relationships as an adult.

When attachment goes wrong

Sadly, most of my clients did not have this experience with their key attachment figures (mum, dad, other close family members). Perhaps mum was cold and unloving, not able to form a close bond with her child. Maybe dad was drinking heavily, so his moods and behaviour were too erratic to feel consistent and safe. Sometimes we are not the favoured or best-loved child, so we feel that keenly throughout our early life, on the outside looking in to the warm, loving relationships we crave.

If any of these experiences sound familiar, you may have an insecure attachment style, which is usually either anxious (being worried about people leaving or rejecting you, so clinging on too tightly in relationships) or avoidant (dreading intimacy, so avoiding commitment or long-term relationships and keeping people at arm’s length). Our attachment styles generally stay consistent throughout life, unless we do something to change them.

How to get your needs met now

As I am always saying in these posts and my webinars and workshops, it is never too much and never too late to heal. And that includes your attachment style, as well as any other needs that were unmet for you as a child. For example, research shows that people with an insecure attachment style become more secure, if they have a long-term, loving relationship with a partner who is securely attached. That’s why finding a caring, supportive partner is one of the most healing things we can do.

I would also suggest finding a skilled, trauma-informed therapist to help identify which needs were not met for you as a child, then help you get them met now. Some of this needs-meeting will be done by the therapist (especially if it’s an attachment-based model, like schema therapy) and some will involve learning new ways of thinking and behaving with other key people in your life – partners, family members, friends, colleagues…

Other models, such as CBT, compassion-focused therapy or internal family systems, place greater emphasis on transforming painful thoughts and feelings, as well as calming your nervous system; or on ‘internal attachment’ – helping you attach to and care for the wounded inner child whose needs did not get met when you were growing up.

The most important takeaway from this post is that you are not ‘needy’ (a word I particularly dislike), however much you might struggle in relationships and your day-to-day life. Having needs is a normal, healthy thing – it’s just problematic if those needs were not met when you were young. But getting them met now is both crucial and entirely doable, with the right help and support.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan