I am often amazed by the strength, resilience and innate healing capacities of my clients. They truly are an inspiration to me – and are one of the reasons I am so passionate about my work. Trying to help people like them is also why I write this blog, so I can reach out to many more people than those I am able to work with, one-to-one, in therapy.

I think all of my clients are incredible people, but especially those who have survived the most awful childhoods. These are people who have endured some of the worst things life can throw at you, whether that is some kind of trauma, abuse, emotional neglect, or cold, unloving and punitive parents.

And of course these people carry the wounds of their trauma. Many of them have struggled with lifelong bouts of depression, one or more anxiety disorders, volatile or unhappy relationships, and often deep-seated feelings of shame or self-dislike.

Trauma survivors may also need extreme ways of coping with their extreme, painful emotions. That might be using substances such as weed, alcohol or other drugs to numb out painful feelings. If you are coping with the impact of trauma, you might use food as a way of coping, whether that is restricting or over/comfort-eating. You may also use activities like gambling, shopping, obsessional use of TV/internet/social media to distract you from the hurt little boy or girl inside.

You are stronger than you think

But if you are reading this, whatever horrible or hurtful things you have been through in your life, you have survived. You have endured. You have persevered. And that is why you should think of yourself as a trauma survivor, not a trauma victim. Surviving trauma takes strength, resilience and tapping into the miraculous, wonderful healing inner resources we all possess.

That is why I always tell my clients that all of the problematic behaviours in their lives are probably coping responses they learned as a child. And in schema therapy, we see those coping responses as parts of the person (known as modes), which as a child were absolutely healthy, adaptive and necessary to survive your trauma with mind and body reasonably intact.

What is your survival story?

If you are struggling with the effects of trauma you endured, either as a child, or what we call a ‘single-incident trauma’ in adulthood, such as a violent crime or car crash, here is a technique that might help. You can write this by hand, in a journal, or type it, whatever works best for you. But I want you to think about your ‘survival story’.

For example, if you were unlucky enough to have cruel, unloving, harshly critical parents, that will of course have left a mark. You might feel extremely anxious, suffer from depression, or have problems with your self-esteem. But you also drew on a rage of inner resources to help you survive that traumatic childhood.

Maybe you found a grandparent, favourite aunt or teacher at school who could give you some of the love and care you so badly needed. Perhaps you survived by retreating into a fantasy world, imagining a happier family life, where your parents actually showed their love to you. Or maybe your imagination ran wild, conjuring up visions of living on Mars, or inhabiting your favourite cartoon or TV series.

Coping against all the odds

You may have lost yourself in Nature, or video games, or books, where you felt safe and could forget about your horrible parents for at least a short time. What this tells us is that you used incredible creativity, resourcefulness and determination to make the best of things; to be independent and self-sufficient; to cope, the best you knew how.

This is your survival story, so please write it down. I want you to see yourself as the hero of this story, because, if you are reading this now, you survived whatever horrible things life through at you. You made it through – battered and bruised, but still alive, with a whole host of wonderful qualities, despite your struggles.

And this tells a different story than the harsh, self-critical one about everything that’s wrong with you. It tells a story of courage, of strength, of incredible resilience and of survival. And the more you believe this story, the stronger and better you will feel – because you deserve to, as much as any other person on this planet.

Warm wishes,

Dan