Worried About Your Drinking? Try This Counterintuitive Strategy

Image by Adriano Gadini/Pixabay

How do you feel about your drinking? You may drink in moderation and be perfectly happy with that, which is great. But you may also worry about your drinking, whether that’s binge-drinking at the weekend or struggling to go a day without that soothing glass of wine in the evening. You may even worry you’re an alcoholic, especially if you drink heavily more often than you would like.

It’s important to note here that I am not claiming the moral high ground on drinking. I have had periods in my life where I drank way too much, both on a daily basis and partying at the weekend with friends. This peaked around 20 years ago, before I retrained as a therapist. I was a health journalist (ironically), struggling financially and dealing with regular bouts of depression. It sometimes felt like going out with friends and ‘letting my hair down’ was the only thing that made life bearable. So, no judgement here.

But I also know that our relationship with alcohol can be transformed, again from personal experience. These days, after a long period of sobriety last year – I felt like taking a break from drinking, which was great – I barely drink. A few glasses of wine at the weekend is plenty and I never drink to excess. This is not meant to make you feel bad, if you’re struggling with alcohol dependence. It’s just an example of how it is possible to move from excessive to moderate drinking, with determination and the right kind of support.

Heavy drinking through an IFS lens

I have also come to understand why I drank so much back in those bad old days. Viewed through an internal family systems (IFS) lens, what the brilliant Cece Sykes calls ‘addictive processes’ like over-drinking, smoking cigarettes or weed, eating junk food, binge-watching Netflix or mindless scrolling on your phone all have the same root, and the same pattern in your mind. The part that makes you drink too much could be called a soother, distractor or avoider and it seeks to numb you out when you’re feeling something bad. And the part that feels bad is a young one, feeling intense hurt, anxiety, loneliness, shame, stress or any other painful emotion.

So let’s call your drinking part the Soother. If you went for traditional talk therapy for addiction, you would be told to get sober, if your drinking was problematic. And you might be encouraged to attend a 12-step programme like Alcoholics Anonymous, before or alongside the therapy. It’s important to note that I’m not against AA in any way – it’s a great organisation and has been a lifesaver for millions of people. It may also be true that you do need to get sober, especially if the drinking is spiralling out of control, or making your life and that of your loved ones a misery.

The problem is when we view the Soother as mad, bad and dangerous to know. And when the whole point of therapy is to essentially expel this part from your inner system. It works for some people, but for most what happens is you get sober, relapse, achieve sobriety, relapse – and on it goes, in an endless cycle of expensive therapy/rehab and then relapsing. This is because no-one understand that the poor, desperate Soother is just trying to help. This part’s only intention is for you to feel better – like me when I was depressed for so many years and a few drinks after work seemed like the only way to get numb/experience any pleasurable feelings in my gruelling day.

Treating the Soother with respect

In IFS therapy, instead of judging and shaming the Soother, we seek to understand this part. Why do they make you drink? What do they fear would happen if you didn’t drink? That might be something like going crazy, having a breakdown or a more extreme protective part taking over, like a suicidal one. We speak to this part with curiosity and respect. We earn their trust, before going to the young part they are protecting and healing them, so the Soother can relax and stand down. And there is no need to drink so much, because you’re no longer in so much pain.

This has been my experience – I just don’t feel the need to go out and drink all the time, or even have a glass of wine too many with dinner. I enjoy one or two on Friday and Saturday and I’m done. These days, rather than hating or resenting the parts of me that used to make me self-medicate, I understand and respect them. We’re buddies now, not enemies. And of course I have been lucky enough to have accessed a ton of therapy, which has really helped.

But even if that’s not affordable for you right now, or seems too daunting a prospect, you can start by changing your relationship with this protective part. That’s why I recorded my brand-new Insight Timer practice – Befriending the Soother: IFS Meditation. This guided meditation is so shiny and new it only went live today! You can try it now, by clicking on the button below. And do let me know how you find it by leaving feedback on the app – I really hope it helps.

Love,

Dan ❤️