How do you feel about the person you see in the mirror? Do you like them, love them – or loathe them? Are you kind and compassionate to yourself, on a consistent basis, or do you treat yourself harshly, jumping on every perceived flaw and failing? If you’re like most of my clients, very sadly you are probably more prone to harshness than healthy self-appreciation. And if that’s true, how do you go about changing it? Is it even possible to develop a kinder, more compassionate way of relating to yourself?

These thoughts have been uppermost in my mind recently, as I research the chapter on self-compassion in my new book. As well as bringing in all the techniques and ways of thinking I have used with hundreds of clients, I am re-reading some brilliant psychology books and drawing on the wisdom and richness of leading figures in the field. As part of this highly enjoyable research I just re-read The Compassionate Mind, by Professor Paul Gilbert. It’s a brilliant book and I strongly recommend reading it, if you haven’t already.

Prof Gilbert is the founder of compassion-focused therapy, a warm, wise approach that combines the best of Western psychology with the 2,500-year-old healing methods of Buddhism, especially the Dalai Lama’s Tibetan school. In Buddhism, compassion is just one of a number of positive mental states that can be generated, along with metta (loving-kindness) and equanimity (having a sense of resilience and balance). This idea, that these are skills which can be learned and then developed over time, is such a positive, hopeful one. It helps us all remember that compassion – for yourself and others – is always accessible, if you learn to mine the rich seams of your heart and mind.

Old brain vs new brain

Prof Gilbert draws on evolutionary psychology to explain that one reason we end up so self-critical, depressed or anxious is because we all struggle with an old vs new brain battle inside our skulls. Your old brain is ‘subcortical’ – structures that are not dissimilar from a lizard’s, or cat’s brain. The new brain is your cortical layer, which is uniquely well-developed in humans. As I wrote about in my last post, much of the world’s current volatility can be explained by what Prof Gilbert calls old-brain emotions and drives being implemented by new-brain capabilities.

For example, if you feel jealous rage at some guy speaking to your girlfriend, that’s old-brain stuff – powerful, territorial, protect-what’s-mine emotions and drives. If you then go on Facebook, find out the guy has a small business and leave a bunch of one-star Google reviews, that’s your complex new-brain capabilities doing the old brain’s dirty work!

But we can also use all the wonderful skills and capabilities of your new brain to do what Prof Gilbert calls ‘compassionate mind training’. Because your miraculous, sophisticated, high-powered cortical brain also has seeds of kindness, altruism, love, prosocial behaviour and compassion, which can be nurtured so they grow and become ways of thinking and feeling you can use all the time, especially when you need them most.

Compassion in action

Let’s take another example. Let’s say you get some bad news, like hearing a beloved old friend has a life-threatening illness. It comes out of the blue and is a real shock – this is a young, healthy guy so you feel like a rug has been pulled out from under you. And you’re feeling some mixture of sad, upset, shocked and anxious about his chances of getting well again. If you have been developing a compassionate mind, you might pause and do some deep, calming breathing. You could mindfully scan your body and notice what you’re feeling.

You could then gently place a hand over your heart, feeling the soothing, supportive touch. And then think kind, compassionate thoughts like, ‘I really feel your suffering right now – this is hard, isn’t it? And that’s totally understandable, you really love your friend and are worried about him, of course. Just let yourself feel whatever you are feeling right now, that’s OK – but know that you’re not alone. I’m here, I care about you – and I’ll help you get through this.’

And using the power of your compassionate mind, you may just notice yourself feeling a little calmer, a bit steadier and more grounded. Those painful, contracted feelings may soften a little. Soothing brain chemicals like endorphins and oxytocin might start flowing into your bloodstream. Tight muscles may start to relax. These are all science-backed benefits of practising self-compassion in this way. And then, of course, you would be much better resourced to call your friend and offer him love and support in his hour of need. Compassion for you leads to greater compassion for him.

I hope you find that helpful. Self-compassion is such a wonderful, healing skill that I have developed many practices for my Insight Timer collection which will help you develop it. The Compassionate Friend Meditation is one of my favourites, so do click the button below if you’d like to practice now.

Love,

Dan ❤️

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