Compassion

What You Can Learn from 2,500 Years of Buddhist Wisdom

Arguably the most important figure in Western psychology was Sigmund Freud, who developed his psychoanalytic theory of the mind about 130 years ago. And arguably the most important figure in Eastern psychology was a man we call the Buddha, who lived and taught in Northern India around 2,400 years before that. Let’s think about that for a moment. Over two millennia before Freud saw his first patient, the Buddha and his followers had created a rich, sophisticated theory of the mind and how it worked.

Long before Freud’s ideas about neuroses and how to cure them, Buddhist psychology gave us a step-by-step guide to freeing ourselves from dukkha, which is the Pali (the language of the Buddha) word for suffering. As the Buddha himself said: ‘I teach one thing and one thing only – dukkha and the end of dukkha.’

It’s important to note at this point that you don’t have to be a Buddhist to find these ideas helpful. In fact, you don’t need to have any interest in Buddhism at all! One of the reasons I am so enamoured with Buddhism is that it’s very different from religions like Judaism or Catholicism. For starters, the Buddha was just a human being, not a god. And although many Buddhists do believe in transcendent ideas like karma, heaven, hell and reincarnation, I don’t think that was the Buddha’s point, really. It was more that he existed in a time when these ideas were normal and universally accepted, like we believe in gravity, or the nutritional benefit of vitamins. They were the zeitgeist of his age.

As I have written before in these posts, if I had to name my particular brand of spirituality it would be to call myself a Buddhist atheist. I believe in Buddhism. I think it’s a wonderful theoretical framework for understanding the mind – and especially what can go wrong with it. I also believe that the Buddha was a real person, a great psychologist, teacher and healer, like Jesus. But I don’t believe in heaven and hell, or reincarnation, or any of the more mystical, religious stuff. If you do believe in those things, of course that’s absolutely fine – I’m not saying I am right, it’s just how I was raised and educated to perceive the world.

How Buddhist psychology can help you

Most of my readers are either struggling with mental-health problems, or trying to help people with these problems. And whether you are a client, therapist or concerned family member, there is so much in Buddhism you might find helpful. Let’s circle back to that idea of dukkha – like all Pali words, there is debate about the exact English translation, but suffering is close enough. In his Four Noble Truths, the Buddha taught (not wrote, as his was a time before books and paper) that to live a human life is inherently painful. Pain is unavoidable, for a whole host of reasons, but one of the simplest is that we are all mortal. We will all age, get sick and eventually die. This is, of course, the hardest truth we all have to face – but facing it is both important and healthy, as once we accept this idea we can get on with maximising our brief but wondrous existence on this planet.

So we can’t avoid pain. But the Buddha then explained that we can avoid suffering, because most suffering is human-made. He gave the famous example of twin arrows – the first arrow is something painful, like injuring your knee playing football. This just hurts – it’s called ‘the pain of pain’ – so there’s not much we can do about that except to rest it, use ice, see a physio, and so on. But what the human mind does is then create more pain by trying to avoid or push away the original pain. We think, ‘Why is this always happening to me? I’m so unlucky! God, I hate my life,’ or ‘I can’t stand this pain, it’s unbearable! These painkillers aren’t touching the sides, let me go back to the doctor and get some oxycontin, quick.’

In the first example, we now add feelings of frustration, anger and bitterness to the physical pain. In the second, we are desperately trying to avoid the pain at all costs, which can be a slippery slope to addiction – especially with opioids. In the Buddha’s teaching, it’s like we then shoot ourselves with a second arrow. And so physical pain becomes emotional suffering.

If not the arrow, then what?

Another wonderful thing about Buddhism is the emphasis on developing positive mental states, which anyone can do with enough persistence and determined effort. These include metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy) and upekkha (equanimity). These four ‘sublime states’ build on each other, offering a profound sense of peace, calm and protection from the inevitable pain of life. If you would like to know more, I strongly recommend the wonderful Sharon Salzberg’s classic book, Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Sharon is a world-leading expert on metta and how to develop it – it’s her USP.

She explains that, instead of shooting ourselves with that second arrow whenever life hurts or disappoints us, we can learn to treat ourselves kindly, patiently and warmly. This is like a soothing balm for the first-arrow wound, which helps it heal. Of course, this is not easy! Take it from a long-term meditator and student of Buddhism. Developing these beneficial mental states is not a simple thing, or I wouldn’t have to meditate every day.

But it is possible. And this is another great gift from that remarkable teacher 2,500 years ago – he gave us concrete tools and strategies we could all use – monastic or lay Buddhist, Christian or atheist – to transform our mind. Two of the (deceptively) simplest of these tools are developing mindfulness and metta, so here are two of my Insight Timer practices for doing just that:

I hope you find them helpful – and wish you ever-increasing peace and happiness as you follow your own unique path to healing, whatever that may be. And this is my last post before Christmas, so wishing you all a wonderful holiday season. Rest, recuperate, recharge and I will be in touch in the new year.

Love,

Dan ❤️

 
 

How to Develop a Compassionate Mind

How do you feel about the person you see in the mirror? Do you like them, love them – or loathe them? Are you kind and compassionate to yourself, on a consistent basis, or do you treat yourself harshly, jumping on every perceived flaw and failing? If you’re like most of my clients, very sadly you are probably more prone to harshness than healthy self-appreciation. And if that’s true, how do you go about changing it? Is it even possible to develop a kinder, more compassionate way of relating to yourself?

These thoughts have been uppermost in my mind recently, as I research the chapter on self-compassion in my new book. As well as bringing in all the techniques and ways of thinking I have used with hundreds of clients, I am re-reading some brilliant psychology books and drawing on the wisdom and richness of leading figures in the field. As part of this highly enjoyable research I just re-read The Compassionate Mind, by Professor Paul Gilbert. It’s a brilliant book and I strongly recommend reading it, if you haven’t already.

Prof Gilbert is the founder of compassion-focused therapy, a warm, wise approach that combines the best of Western psychology with the 2,500-year-old healing methods of Buddhism, especially the Dalai Lama’s Tibetan school. In Buddhism, compassion is just one of a number of positive mental states that can be generated, along with metta (loving-kindness) and equanimity (having a sense of resilience and balance). This idea, that these are skills which can be learned and then developed over time, is such a positive, hopeful one. It helps us all remember that compassion – for yourself and others – is always accessible, if you learn to mine the rich seams of your heart and mind.

Old brain vs new brain

Prof Gilbert draws on evolutionary psychology to explain that one reason we end up so self-critical, depressed or anxious is because we all struggle with an old vs new brain battle inside our skulls. Your old brain is ‘subcortical’ – structures that are not dissimilar from a lizard’s, or cat’s brain. The new brain is your cortical layer, which is uniquely well-developed in humans. As I wrote about in my last post, much of the world’s current volatility can be explained by what Prof Gilbert calls old-brain emotions and drives being implemented by new-brain capabilities.

For example, if you feel jealous rage at some guy speaking to your girlfriend, that’s old-brain stuff – powerful, territorial, protect-what’s-mine emotions and drives. If you then go on Facebook, find out the guy has a small business and leave a bunch of one-star Google reviews, that’s your complex new-brain capabilities doing the old brain’s dirty work!

But we can also use all the wonderful skills and capabilities of your new brain to do what Prof Gilbert calls ‘compassionate mind training’. Because your miraculous, sophisticated, high-powered cortical brain also has seeds of kindness, altruism, love, prosocial behaviour and compassion, which can be nurtured so they grow and become ways of thinking and feeling you can use all the time, especially when you need them most.

Compassion in action

Let’s take another example. Let’s say you get some bad news, like hearing a beloved old friend has a life-threatening illness. It comes out of the blue and is a real shock – this is a young, healthy guy so you feel like a rug has been pulled out from under you. And you’re feeling some mixture of sad, upset, shocked and anxious about his chances of getting well again. If you have been developing a compassionate mind, you might pause and do some deep, calming breathing. You could mindfully scan your body and notice what you’re feeling.

You could then gently place a hand over your heart, feeling the soothing, supportive touch. And then think kind, compassionate thoughts like, ‘I really feel your suffering right now – this is hard, isn’t it? And that’s totally understandable, you really love your friend and are worried about him, of course. Just let yourself feel whatever you are feeling right now, that’s OK – but know that you’re not alone. I’m here, I care about you – and I’ll help you get through this.’

And using the power of your compassionate mind, you may just notice yourself feeling a little calmer, a bit steadier and more grounded. Those painful, contracted feelings may soften a little. Soothing brain chemicals like endorphins and oxytocin might start flowing into your bloodstream. Tight muscles may start to relax. These are all science-backed benefits of practising self-compassion in this way. And then, of course, you would be much better resourced to call your friend and offer him love and support in his hour of need. Compassion for you leads to greater compassion for him.

I hope you find that helpful. Self-compassion is such a wonderful, healing skill that it’s a key strand of my integrative trauma therapy approach. And I have developed many self-compassion practices for my Insight Timer collection, which will help you develop it. The Compassionate Friend Meditation is one of my favourites, so do click the button below if you’d like to practice now.

Love,

Dan ❤️

 
 

The World Needs Your Love & Compassion, Now More Than Ever

This is a hard post to write. Part of me just wanted to hide under the duvet today. Regular readers will know that I very much wanted Kamala to be President, so the election result feels like a body blow. And there is no doubt that the next four years will be rough. From the plight of immigrants in the US, to protection of the natural world, the fight against climate change, respect for democracy, truth and the rule of law, it’s a dark day.

But I felt compelled to write, because another – much larger – part of me feels hopeful and determined. I keep thinking to myself about how precious life is, how fragile, and that this is my one and only life. I refuse to let anyone take four years of that precious life from me. In fact, I refuse to let them take even one day.

Of course, if your political views are aligned with mine, it’s perfectly natural to feel a whole host of hard, heavy feelings today. If you feel sad, scared, hurt or overwhelmed, let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. My heart goes out to you and my beloved readers in the US, especially, who will bear the brunt of whatever unfolds in that big, beautiful, complicated country. But also to those in Ukraine, the Middle East and elsewhere, who will also fear the ramifications of this dreaded result.

The only answer is love

As I often write in these posts, we are evolutionarily primed to respond with anger, hatred and hostility when we feel fearful or threatened. But I refuse to do that. It’s not who I am or how I wish to live my life. Instead, I will respond with even more love. More compassion. More acceptance and goodwill toward my fellow man – even those who disagree with me, or make decisions that negatively impact others.

My inspiration in this, as in so many things, is the Dalai Lama, a man forced to flee Tibet by the Chinese invasion, who has lived in exile since 1959. He has lost everything and watched in anguish as his countrymen and women were imprisoned, tortured and traumatised. But I have heard him say that he refuses to hate his tormentors, because then they would truly win. He is determined to remain compassionate, even to those who have done his people such harm, because that is his deepest value – to treat all sentient beings with love, kindness and respect.

That means we love every person, every creature – all life, in my view, from the tiniest sapling in the forest to every one of the eight billion humans with whom we share this planet. Not just the ones we like and agree with, but all humans, even the ones whose views seem ugly and hard to fathom. The Dalai Lama also teaches that we all seek happiness and to avoid suffering. There is no us and them, only us – we are all members of the same human family, stretching back millions of years to common ancestors, who walked out of Africa and populated the world.

So, whatever darkness unfolds over the next four years, let’s meet it with light. Hatred with love. Selfishness with altruism. Racism with respect. Othering with open-hearted welcome. I have a tattoo on my wrist which reads, be the light. It’s to remind me that, especially when times are hard and it looks like darkness is winning, it’s not enough to remember that there is light in the world too. We have to be the light, each of us in our own way.

Sending love and warmth especially to my US readers today, whether you are devastated or elated, red or blue, brokenhearted or bleary-eyed from celebration.

May you be happy.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

Love,

Dan ❤️

 
 

Why is the World So Angry? And What Can We Do About it?

Image by Bob Dmyt from Pixabay

As I write this, I am nervously awaiting the results of tomorrow’s US presidential election. I must confess that I am glued to the news right now, because whoever is the next President will have a profound impact, not only on the US but around the world. It will come as no surprise to regular readers that I am very much rooting for Kamala Harris – if you’re a US citizen and read this before voting closes, please vote for her!

If she wins, she will be a remarkable leader, not only because she would be the first woman – and woman of colour – to hold that sacred office, but because of who she is as a person. Watch footage of her interacting with people as she criss-crosses that vast, beautiful country and her warmth, empathy and humanity shine through.

On the other side, of course, we have a person who seems motivated by anger and hatred, not kindness and compassion. But this post is not about Trump-bashing, it’s about the virus-like spread of anger, in the US and around the world. And the way we have seen anger, hatred and hostility becoming normalised in politics, as well as other spheres of public life.

In the UK, we have seen a parallel process since Trump’s first election success and the Brexit referendum in 2016, when my country essentially split in half around this highly emotive, deeply polarising issue. Ever since that (in my opinion, nationally self-destructive) result we have seen a steady erosion of basic civility and respect: in our politics, our schools and communities, as well as in mainstream and especially social media.

I long ago left Twitter because I was dismayed at the rudeness and hostility I encountered on a daily basis. I do post to social media (or rather my brilliant social media manager, Jaime, takes my words and does magical things with them) but I always try to stay positive. If anyone responds rudely I have a rule of never engaging in conflict or even debate, I just block and delete.

And that’s not because I am averse to debate, or intolerant of people disagreeing with me. It’s just because social media encourages polarised, emotional, right vs wrong communication, which is one reason for the wildfires of anger we see igniting all over the world in recent years.

Big tech profits from anger

One of the best books to explain the way that Big Tech companies not only tolerate, but actively encourage inflammatory posts, conflict and discord on their platforms is Johann Hari’s Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention. He interviews key figures behind influential platforms like YouTube, Facebook and Twitter to find out why tech in general, and social media in particular, is so addictive.

Hari explains that tech companies had the brilliant idea of hiring the people who designed slot machines in Las Vegas, employing the same use of colour schemes, dopamine-inducing psychological rewards in the form of likes and shares, as well as other ingenious strategies to make sure we keep posting, liking, sharing and scrolling.

He also explains that social-media algorithms actively promote inflammatory content that will make users scared, angry and reactive, because that’s what keeps us glued to our phones. This cleverly taps into the biases inherent in the human brain, which has evolved to be threat-focused, keeping us fixated on anything that might be dangerous or threatening, to ourselves or loved ones.

As I often write in these posts, anger is usually a response to fear. So all those people shouting at each other on social media, or attacking neighbouring countries in the numerous horrific conflicts raging around the world, are fiercely motivated to protect themselves, their family, their tribe, their land… because they are scared. Scared people easily become angry, even violent people.

Let’s all take a breath

Whatever the result on November 5th, I am sending love and support to my many US readers. Whether you are red or blue, a Trump fan or Harris devotee, I care deeply about you and your family. I hope you are happy and well. You are human, like me, and you seek happiness for yourself and your loved ones. You don’t wish to suffer. This is the common humanity that unites us, so let’s all take a breath and remember that we are all one human family, whatever our political views.

The world needs a bit less anger right now, wouldn’t you agree? A bit more kindness. A little more perspective. A reminder that hatred, conflict and violence never solved anything. I profoundly believe in a better future for us all, because we live in an age of miracles. The same technology that can do so much harm can also be a remarkable, transformative force for good. After all, you are reading this right now because I can beam it from my computer in London to you, wherever you are in the world, in a few seconds. Isn’t that amazing? I think so.

And to my American friends, one more gentle nudge to go vote, get your friends and family to vote, knock on doors, donate, do whatever you can to help advocate for decency and preserve democracy in your wonderful country. Go to iwillvote.com to find out more about how to vote where you live.

Thank you – and please stay safe, as emotions will be running high up to and after polling day.

Love,

Dan ❤️

 
 

How to Respond to the UK’s Riots? Meet Hate with Compassion

I have been watching with great sadness, shock and disbelief as the far-right have rioted in towns and cities across the UK over the last week. Today they will hold a rally near me, at a service helping immigrants in Finchley, which will no doubt descend into violence and chaos.

This violence breaks my heart in so many ways. As the descendant of Jewish immigrants – who fled persecution in Russia at the beginning of the 20th century and found sanctuary in England – I know all too well the fear of being othered, attacked and persecuted that refugees across the UK must be feeling right now. This was so acute for my grandparents, who lived through the horrors of World War II, working for a Jewish charity helping those who fled Hitler’s terrible reign from across Europe. They, like most of us, would have believed that we had evolved beyond poisons of the mind like hatred and racism – and they lived in Finchley, so would be horrified to see this ugliness so close to their door.

These poor refugees, who have escaped horrendous conditions and oppressive regimes in countries like Eritrea, Afghanistan and Sudan, thinking they had found safety here only to be terrorised again. My heart goes out to them and I feel nothing but love and compassion for them and their children.

It’s also heartbreaking to see all this violence and hatred erupt in my country. And it’s hard to know how to respond, because the more primitive parts of our brains fire up when under threat and we too feel hatred and fury, wanting to demonise the rioters and seeking harsh punishment for them. And, of course, they should be punished – by the legal system, which they will be, as our new prime minister has made very clear.

But I also take this Martin Luther King quote to heart, knowing that if we respond with anger and hatred, nothing will ever be solved. Hatred begets hatred. Violence begets violence. Instead, I think we need to address the fear these men must feel, on some deep level. They feel threatened and scared – and this fear is easily manipulated by nihilistic politicians and other bad actors online. And their fear becomes anger and hatred, directed at ‘them’, who they think will take their jobs, harm their families, become the dominant culture.

But these refugees are just humans, like you and me. All they want is to live in peace, send their kids to school, work hard and pay taxes and contribute to their new community and society. And of course we need immigration – our NHS could not run without immigrant workers, for example, nor could our farms or transport networks – so we need to help people understand that. Let’s do everything we can to counter all this hate and misinformation with love, compassion – and firm boundaries, because of course it’s never OK to terrorise innocent people.  

If you would like to take compassionate action right now, I recommend donating to Refugee Action, who are on the ground helping those affected by these terrible events. You can donate now using the button below.

And if these events are making you feel anxious and unsafe – especially if you are a person of colour, an immigrant, Muslim or Jewish like me – sending you all my love and warm thoughts,

Dan ❤️

 

Vote for Hope. Vote for Kindness. Vote for Compassion

This is a post about how to save democracy. It is also a post about kindness and compassion. And about how to create a better world.

We live in challenging times, as humanity faces an unprecedented array of problems. Biggest among these is the climate crisis, which makes all other problems we face pale into insignificance. If we don’t stop burning fossil fuels and treating the natural world like a resource to burn through, we are in big trouble. Linked to the global impact of climate change are problems like mass migration, rampant inequality, racism and other forms of ‘bad othering’, in which we look for simple solutions to complex problems, blaming groups of people we don’t like for issues that have nothing to do with them.

And all of these problems cause trauma, individually, societally and systemically. This is one of the many reasons I love internal family systems as a model, because it directly engages with these societal problems, aiming to heal not only individuals but, bit by bit, all of humanity. This may sound overly ambitious, but I passionately believe it to be both possible and essential. The rise in populist parties around the world is driven by fear, which is then exploited by unscrupulous politicians. If we can help more people – and their frightened parts – become less scared, more loving and accepting, we can fix our broken politics too.

Vote for humanity

That’s why I am urging you to vote in the general election wherever you live. If you’re in France, please vote on Sunday to keep the far-right out of power. For those of us in the UK, this Thursday I would encourage you to vote Labour, or for the progressive candidate best placed to win where you live. If you’re in the US, choose the Democrats come November (and yes, that may mean Joe Biden, with his many faults and frailties).

I am passionate about politics, because to me there is no separation between mental health and trauma, and wider social issues – they are completely intertwined. I was raised by parents who dedicated their lives to social justice, feminism, climate activism and improving the lives of those who were suffering. I have always followed their lead and done all I could to advocate for politics of love, kindness, fairness and justice. That said, I have complete respect for those who disagree with me and choose to vote differently – that’s what democracy is all about, after all, which is why it’s so precious.

But I think most people reading this would like a kinder, fairer, more compassionate world. One in which everyone had the chance to live in peace, to feed and house their family, for their children to be happy and safe. A world in which we cherished and lived in harmony with the natural world. And one in which we could co-exist peacefully, respectfully, tolerating our differences, not hating any person or group because they are ‘them’ and we only care for ‘us’. There is no them and us, just billions of humans who, as the Dalai Lama would say, all want to be happy and do not want to suffer.

Vote for a better world

I know that no political party is perfect. Certainly none of the ones I am advocating in this post. Our leaders are flawed, imperfect human beings – just like us. So I would also urge you to choose a good-enough party and good-enough leader. Remember your vote is so precious, hard-won by our ancestors who fought and died to protect freedom and democracy. Squandering that right is a disservice to those brave souls.

So please vote this week, in November or whenever your country’s elections are held. Vote for love. Vote for peace. Vote for a better world. And if you’re not happy with the choices your leaders make on your behalf, shout loud and clear so they can hear you and change direction. But opting out of voting is not the answer, because that lets the forces of darkness win. They are gathering strength around the world right now so we all need to do everything we can – peacefully – and vote, donate, sign petitions, organise and march to protect our freedom and human rights.

Thank you for reading – and for your support, as ever. It means the world to me.

Love,

Dan ❤️

 

We Are All Part of One Big Human Family

Image by Annie Spratt

Where are you from? You might think that’s an easy question and that the answer would be New York, London, Sydney, Berlin, Budapest… or wherever else you were born and raised. But there is a deeper answer to this question, because for all of us, whichever country we now call home, our ancestors all came from the same place. And that place is Africa.

I learned a great deal about this in a fascinating BBC series presented by Dr Alice Roberts, a medical doctor and anthropologist: The Incredible Human Journey. It really is a wonderful series, bristling with revelations about who we are and where, ultimately, we are all from. And although the idea that all humans originated in Ethiopia is not new to me, what did blow my mind is that every single human on the planet today who does not live in Africa – that’s around 6.5 billion people – are all descended from the same tiny band of Africans who left the continent between 60,000 and 90,000 years ago.

It doesn’t matter what you look like, what language you speak, your facial features, the colour of your hair, skin or eyes – if you trace your ancestors back far enough they would be African. And it’s jaw-dropping to me that you (if you are not today an African) and me can trace our genetic lineage back to this band of intrepid early humans who left Africa in search of new lands and possibilities for life. Just a few families who emerged from that continent and slowly spread into Asia, Australasia, Europe and the Americas.

You are part of my family

And so you are my brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent… You are part of my family. And isn’t that a wonderful idea which, if we all truly understood it, would make all the anger and fear and ‘othering’ of refugees a complete nonsense. Because these people coming, for example, in small boats to the UK, are my family. They are your family. And they are the family of all those politicians who speak of them with anger and disdain, knowingly stirring up primal fears and hostilities so we treat these poor, desperate people as somehow less than us, subhuman.

I dream of a future in which we understand that all humans are equal. That we all wish to be happy and safe. All of us want our children to eat healthy food and drink clean water, to live in a warm home, to get a good education and live a comfortable, meaningful life. In which we understand that, on an ancestral and genetic level, we are all the same, that skin colour is literally skin deep – because my skin and perhaps yours is only light because we live in cold countries, where our recent ancestors’ skin pigments changed as they adapted to colder climates.

And if, one day, we evolve to the point where we all understand this, it is taught in every school, every person on this planet understands and embraces their lineage, maybe these artificial borders we have drawn as mere lines upon a map, will no longer have meaning. The idea of ‘us’ and ‘them’ will melt away, because we are all, in fact, ‘us’. And keeping ‘them’ out, pushing those small boats back, becomes ludicrous, because those boats are full of family members, needing our help.

And I know, with all the war and aggression raging around the world, that these ideas seem fanciful, even naive. But I don’t care. I am an optimist. And I think if we all work towards it, this is a future we can co-create. Because, honestly, what’s the alternative? More war, division and darkness – and that’s not a world I want to live in, or leave to my son and his children.

If this resonates with you, please do watch that series – I think you will find it both fascinating and inspiring. You may also feel moved to help those refugees/family members. If so, Choose Love is an excellent charity, which is helping displaced people stay warm, safe and dry over the cold winter months. You can support them using the button below.

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

 
 

Could You Start a Ripple of Kindness Today?

Image by Vonecia Carswell

I think we can all agree that we need more kindness in the world. We live in an age when a small, noisy minority dominate both mainstream and social media, as well as our political systems. We see this with the ‘othering’ of refugees and asylum-seekers, portraying them as somehow less important and even less human than us. Instead of welcoming these poor, traumatised people with kindness and compassion, many news outlets and governments around the world treat them with suspicion and outright hostility.

But these actions are those of a tiny minority, who unfortunately are skilled at gaining positions of power and influence. It may surprise you, but study after study finds that most people don’t actually think like this. Most of us are socially liberal, kind, tolerant, altruistic and generous. One survey, published this week, found that Europeans have actually become more welcoming to people fleeing humanitarian crises, such as the heartbreaking one unfolding in Ukraine, in recent years. Happily, negative media stories don’t change the way that most people think, feel or act as much as you might expect.

Time and again research shows that most of us treat our fellow humans with love and respect. Please remember that, if the news is getting you down, humans can be selfish and cruel, but they can also be kind, warm, loving and open-hearted. It’s just that everyday stories of people being nice to each other don’t make the news, especially in today’s clickbait-driven media environment.

We are all inherently good

If you would like to know more about the goodness inherent in all of us, I strongly recommend reading Humankind: A Hopeful History, by Dutch historian Rutger Bregman. He makes a strong case that, despite all the tales of our ancestors’ warring and bad behaviour, throughout human history we have lived in ways that are far more prosocial, cooperative and altruistic than historians and anthropologists often depict.

Nevertheless, despite the fact that we are so much better, as a species, than the media makes out, it’s clear we are still facing some major challenges right now. As my last post argued, by far the biggest of these is climate change, which does require urgent and decisive action by every member of the human family, but especially those of us with the most power, both spending and political. We also face linked challenges of income inequality, with far too many people still living in poverty, lacking basic facilities like clean water and sanitation, the degradation of Nature and much more.

We also see increasingly polarised political and social debates in countries like the US, into us and them, right and wrong, liberals versus conservatives. And all these problems could be solved, or at least drastically improved, with a little more kindness. Drawing on newer, more highly evolved parts of the brain like the cortical layer – the uniquely human region of the brain involved in rational thought, science, mindfulness, compassion and other high-level cognitive abilities – we can learn to treat each other with kindness, civility and respect, even if we disagree.

Less us and them and more just us, because we are all human, many of us have trauma histories or other difficult experiences in our childhoods. We all want to be happy, for our loved ones to be safe, healthy and lead meaningful, flourishing lives.

Start a ripple of kindness

So, what can we all do to make the world a kinder place? I like to think about starting ripples of kindness as I move through the world. Of course, I try to do this in every therapy session I offer, every blog post I write, every webinar I teach or guided meditation I record. My guiding principles as a psychotherapist are to treat every person I meet or teach with love, kindness and compassion.

But I also try to do this in my daily life. Every time I hold the door open for someone, buy a homeless person a sandwich, or let another car out at a junction, I hope that this little moment of connection, of humanity, will make the other person feel as good as I do. And my hope is that they will pay this forward, holding doors or smiling at the next person they meet, and so on. And this creates ripples of kindness, of warmth, of mutually experienced pleasure at our shared humanity.

It may sound a bit far-fetched, but at worst it can’t do any harm, right? And the more we treat each other with kindness, the less division, antagonism and conflict we will have in our world. Plus research shows that being kind is good for your mental health, so it’s a win-win!

Here’s your homework for the week: think about how could you start a ripple of kindness today. Trust me, this is one piece of homework you will enjoy.

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

 

How to Take Compassionate Action for Ukraine

As I read my newspaper this morning, my heart was full of pain about Russia’s latest atrocity against the Ukrainian people – blowing up the Kakhovka dam, which has caused massive floods around Kherson. These floods will (intentionally) kill many people, drive many more from their homes and is forecast to be the worst environmental disaster in the country since Chernobyl.

My first feeling was overwhelming sadness and a kind of mental/emotional exhaustion about the latest example of how cruel humans can be. I often feel overwhelmed by stories like this, because it can seem as if psychopaths like Putin, or narcissists like Trump and Boris Johnson, continue to gain power around the world and dominate our lives.

Why do we put these terrible people in positions of power? Why hasn’t humanity evolved beyond this by now? Why do the bad guys always seem to win?

The loving majority

And then I remember that the news is deliberately filtered through a negative, catastrophic lens to highlight the worst of humanity, the most scary and upsetting stories. There is so much good in the world, so much kindness, compassion, altruism and basic decency. I passionately believe that most humans are kind and treat each other with respect.

But we live in an age when the Putins, Trumps and Erdogans of this world cleverly manipulate the media (both mainstream and social) to trigger evolutionarily ancient parts of our brain, making us scared and angry, firing up our threat systems so we lose access to the rational parts of the brain and respond with hostility and mistrust. We are manipulated into blaming outsiders, ‘the others’, who may be refugees, people of colour – or Jews, like my own ancestors, who have been scapegoated and persecuted for millennia.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We – the kind, loving, determined majority – have so much power, if we know how to use it. And one way to exercise that power, today, is to take compassionate action to help the people of Ukraine. I see one small example of that in the Ukrainian family living downstairs from us, rent-free, in an expensive flat generously offered to them when they escaped the horrors in their own country.

My wonderful community

My local community has rallied round this family and other refugees in the area, giving them money, food, clothes, furniture, help and support in a thousand small but meaningful ways. I am so proud to live where I do – East Finchley, a tight-knit community in North London – and with neighbours who deeply care for each other, whatever the colour of their skin and wherever they are from in the world.

So, as you read about Putin’s latest act of madness, please don’t be discouraged. Never give up. As Martin Luther King reminds us, ‘The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice’.

And if you would like to help people – and especially children – on the ground in Kherson, please donate to Unicef using the button below.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

 

Where is Our Compassion for Refugees?

Image by Ahmed Akacha

This is a little different from my usual posts. It’s not about mental health – well, not about your mental health, or mine. But it is about compassion which, as regular readers know, is very dear to my heart.

Living in the UK, I have watched with increasing anguish as our right-wing government demonises and persecutes people arriving on our shores, frightened and desperate for help. Many of these ‘migrants’ are in fact asylum seekers, with perfectly legitimate claims for asylum. They are fleeing war, torture and persecution in troubled countries like Afghanistan, Eritrea or Sudan.

They increasingly arrive in small boats, making the perilous crossing from France because this government has made it very difficult for people to use safe and legal routes to enter the UK. Those of us who believe in a thriving, multicultural society, with a flow of migration in and out of the UK (which benefits the economy, by the way), have watched with dismay as our former prime minister, Theresa May, created a ‘hostile environment’ to deter immigrants. Later, the self-inflicted disaster of Brexit legitimised the racist, xenophobic rhetoric our right-wing media has been trumpeting for decades.

These poor, traumatised people arriving in boats often take great risks, putting their own lives and those of their family in danger, travelling vast distances in the desperate hope of finding safety, sanctuary and welcome in this country. Instead, they are treated as less-than-human, as things – to be feared and treated with disdain.

My refugee family

This demonising of refugees is a deeply personal issue for me, because I am the descendant of Russian Jews, who fled to Britain in the early 20th century to escape the violence and persecution of ‘pogroms’. My maternal grandfather was the first-born in this country when his family settled in London’s East End – where wave after wave of immigrants have made their home.

My wonderful, wise, warm-hearted grandfather later worked for a charity, the Jewish Board of Guardians, which worked tirelessly to help Jewish refugees living in the UK, including those fleeing persecution by the Nazis. My grandparents lived in terror of a German invasion – which came perilously close during World War II – for obvious reasons.

So when I see politicians talking about an ‘invasion’ of immigrants and using language not dissimilar to that of the Nazis, it fills me with horror. Have we learned nothing from history? Have we no compassion, no humanity, no basic decency?

Compassion for all of humanity

I think it’s crucial for those of us who embark on journeys of personal growth and healing from our own trauma to remember that compassion is not just for ourselves, or those close to us – the Buddha taught us that compassion must be for all sentient beings. That means all of humanity, not just those we like, or who share our skin colour, who are part of our tribe. All humanity, without exception.

I’m sure you agree. And I’m sure you are a kind, decent person, who may already do a great deal to help others. If I could ask you to do one small thing today, it’s to take compassionate action by donating to Refugee Action, a wonderful charity helping people who arrive on our shores, desperate for help. The button below will take you straight to their donation page.

Thank you – sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

 

What is Self-Energy in Internal Family Systems Therapy?

Image by Sandalp Suradkar

One of the core ideas in internal family systems therapy is that we all have a Self – an inner resource of warmth, love and compassion that offers a powerful, healing energy if we can learn to access it. Dick Schwartz, the Founder of IFS, says the Self offers eight nourishing qualities (that all happen to begin with C):

  • Compassion

  • Courage

  • Connectedness

  • Curiosity

  • Clarity

  • Confidence

  • Creativity

  • Calm

We can all learn to access these qualities and tap into ‘Self-energy’ – which can be compared to the warm, life-giving energy of the sun. Doing so is a key component of IFS therapy and will help you heal from trauma, anxiety, stress, depression, addiction and any other problems you may be struggling with right now.

My latest guided meditation for Insight Timer, Accessing Healing Self-Energy, will give you a taste of this wonderful inner resource – you can listen right now, for free, by clicking on the button below.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

 

Why Self-Compassion is Your Mental-Health Superpower

Image by Autumn Goodman

If you are struggling with your mental health, come along to this 90-minute Zoom webinar with Dan Roberts, Psychotherapist and Founder of Heal Your Trauma. The Healing Power of Self-Compassion takes place from 3-4.30pm on Saturday 27th May 2023 and is the latest in a series of Heal Your Trauma webinars and workshops throughout 2023.

This event offers half-price Reduced-Fee Tickets (£10), for those who need them, or please choose the Supporter Ticket option (£20) when booking if you are able to support the Heal Your Trauma project. Your support enables us to help as many people as possible with their mental health.

All of our webinars are recorded, so if you sign up you will also get exclusive free access to a recording of the event.

The Healing Power of Self-Compassion features 90 minutes of teaching, powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, and a 15-minute Q&A with Dan Roberts, an expert on self-compassion, mental health and wellbeing.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

  • The difference between empathy and compassion – and why one leads to burnout, while the other protects us from it

  • The key role that self-compassion plays in healing from any psychological problem, but especially trauma

  • Why, sadly, having a trauma history makes self-compassion difficult – but also why these obstacles can be overcome

  • Key experiential exercises – such as breathing, guided meditations, journaling and imagery – you will learn to help you develop your self-compassion skills

  • How self-compassion is crucial to help you deal with stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, being overly self-critical, eating disorders, substance abuse and most other psychological problems

  • And, during a 15-minute Q&A, attendees put their questions to Dan Roberts, Founder of Heal Your Trauma and an expert on trauma healing and developing self-compassion

Don’t miss this chance to learn from a leading trauma therapist and expert on mental health. Book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 
 

Receiving Kindness and Compassion From Others – How to Let it in

Most of us know that kindness and compassion are helpful qualities to develop. And if you are trying to improve your mental health and wellbeing, you will have received that message loud and clear from all the books, blogs, podcasts and social media posts you consume. It’s good to be kind and compassionate to others. It’s good to be kind and compassionate to yourself. It’s good to spend your time with people who are kind and compassionate to you. We all know this to be true.

But – and this is a big but – for many of us, none of this stuff is easy. In my last post, I explained why self-compassion is so powerful and healing. But I have also written a great deal about why it can be a struggle to generate self-compassionate thoughts and feelings, especially if you have a trauma history. Many of my clients, colleagues, friends and family members are kind, compassionate people – but have a tough time treating themselves with a similar level of warmth and benevolence.

Something we think less about, but which is equally important, is whether we are able to receive compliments, kind words and compassionate gestures from other people. Surprisingly, this can be just as tough as generating self-compassion.

Taking in good stuff – why it’s hard

With many of my clients, I have noticed over the years that when they are given a compliment, they bat it away. ‘Oh, anyone could have done it,’ they say, or ‘It really wasn’t that great.’

The same thing happens with kind words, offers of help and support, expressions of love and affection – all are deflected, batted away, subtly rejected. When I have said something warm and complimentary, telling them how big-hearted they are, or how much I like them, some of my clients actually flinch, as if I have said something cruel and hurtful.

And this is such a shame, because I am offering them a chance to feel good about themselves, to counter the often harsh, negative and unpleasant messages they have received from family members their whole lives.

But this is precisely the problem. If, as a small child, you are on the receiving end of a barrage of hurtful attacks, whether verbal or physical, you quickly learn to create some kind of armour to protect yourself. This armour may take the form of a part that helps you detach and shut down inside (called the Detached Protector in schema therapy), so you feel numb, rather than sensitive and vulnerable to being hurt.

It may look like avoiding difficult people or situations at all costs. The armour might be behavioural, like distracting yourself with your phone, or using substances to help you feel numb or disconnected from your emotions, because they hurt too much.

And all these forms of armour make sure you never feel open, vulnerable, exposing your soft belly to the world. Because you have learned that if you do so, you will be attacked, rejected or hurt in some other way.

So no wonder you push away compliments or kind words! Because to receive them you need to be vulnerable, to trust, to be open – and these can all feel threatening, especially if you have a big trauma history.

The practice

I developed this practice, which I call the Treasure Chest, to help one of my clients struggling to take in kindness and compassion from others – you might find it helpful too.

  1. First, I want you to imagine that somewhere inside – your heart, maybe – you have a treasure chest. And this chest is yours and yours alone. Nobody else gets to use it. Nobody else can access it – just you.

  2. Close your eyes and take a moment to really imagine this chest – what’s it like? What shape is it? What is it made of? What colour is it? Is it light, or heavy? Does it have any decorations or patterns on the outside? The more vivid this detail, the more real it will seem to your brain when you need to use it.

  3. Now, here’s the hard bit. Next time somebody offers you a kind word, or compliment, instead of reflexively shrugging it off or batting it away, I want you to imagine taking this lovely thing and storing it in your treasure chest. Remember, nobody knows it’s there. No-one can access it. It’s just for you.

  4. You could visualise the kindness as a piece of treasure, like a gold coin or beautiful, light-filled jewel. And as you store it in your secret chest, see if you can allow yourself to feel it, even a tiny bit, too. So if someone says, ‘I love the way you’re always so wise and know exactly what to say when I’m feeling down,’ if you let yourself, you might feel just a bit proud. There may be a small ripple of warmth in your belly, chest and throat. You might even feel yourself walking a few inches taller, that your chest has expanded a little, or shoulders relaxed and dropped.

  5. It can also be helpful to start a journal, writing these gifts down there, too. If you get a lovely email, you could store it in a special folder (mine is called Hardwiring Happiness and I keep all sorts of heartwarming messages there). Write it, draw it, keep it in some concrete form – this will help make your treasure more real and make sure you don’t lose it.

  6. If you keep doing this, bit by bit, slowly your treasure chest fills up. And you learn to accept those kindnesses and compassionate gestures, rather than pushing them away. Then, over time, that starts to change the way you feel – about yourself, about other people, about the world and your future. Nothing radical or dramatic, just slow, steady, incremental change. Until one day, you feel a bit happier, a little better about yourself, a tiny bit more confident and self-valuing. And that has to be a good thing, right?

I really hope that helps. And if you would like to experience me teaching this and lots of other helpful techniques live, come along to my next webinar: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion, which takes place from 3-4.30pm on Saturday 28th May 2022.

I hope to see you there – and am sending you love and strength, whatever you might be struggling with right now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Responding to Your Pain with Self-Compassion

Image by Julien Tromeur

Have you ever had a bad back? I’m guessing that, as you are human, have a spine and do all the things that 21st-century humans do (sitting too much, being overly stressed, being hunched over a computer screen all day) the answer is yes. And if you are a fellow bad-back sufferer, you will know that when your back pain flares up, it’s not much fun.

As I write this, I am a few days into a flare-up. Despite doing everything possible to manage it – first ice, then heat; help from a brilliant osteopath; frequent yoga, stretching and mobilisation; anti-inflammatory gel, and so on – I’m in a fair amount of pain.

And when you are suffering from pain, your natural reaction might be to get frustrated and impatient. ‘Why me?’ you ask, stooped over and clutching your lower back. ‘It’s so unfair!’ Or, ‘I hate being in pain so much!’ Or, ‘I’m sick to death of this – I just cannot stand it.’

Trust me, these thoughts – accompanied by various expletives – have passed through my mind and out of my mouth in the last few days. Chronic pain is a real struggle. It just grinds you down and makes it hard to be positive, upbeat or optimistic that the episode will ever end.

Why negative thinking makes pain worse

But I am lucky enough to work in a profession that has helped me understand a great deal about pain, both physical and emotional, and how best to deal with it. When my back was really bad, a couple of years ago, I read a life-changing book by Vidyamala Burch and Danny Penman: Mindfulness for Health: A Practical Guide to Relieving Pain, Reducing Stress and Restoring Wellbeing. The authors explain that there are two types of physical pain: primary and secondary. Primary pain comprises the signals from your nerves at the site of the injury or illness in your body – like a broken leg or gash on your knee.

This information travels up the nerves until it reaches your brain. At which point, your brain interprets the information from your nervous system, as well as the thoughts you are having about the pain, to decide whether it’s serious/threatening or not. If your brain thinks it’s serious – that broken leg, for example – it then turns up the ‘pain volume’, making the pain worse.

This is secondary pain, which is often far worse and more distressing for us than the primary version. It’s important to stress that both forms of pain are real – it’s not ‘all in your mind’. We are talking about actual, physical pain and discomfort here.

But the fascinating – and revolutionary, for me – discovery here is that we can control the level of our pain by adjusting our response to it. And the key to reducing your pain, whether it’s physical or emotional, is responding with self-compassion.

The miracle of self-compassion

Let’s circle back to those (totally understandable) responses to being in pain. In Buddhism, these are known as ‘second darts’ – the first dart is the pain itself. But the second dart is the anger, frustration, stress and upset we feel when we respond to that pain with negative, blaming, hostile thoughts and words. Instead, the Buddha taught us to respond with acceptance, kindness and compassion, however alien or difficult that might seem at moments of discomfort and distress.

What helps me respond to my pain, and tight back muscles, with compassion is that I know from experience that this will both reduce my pain and accelerate the healing process. I do my level best to say/think things like, ‘Oh man, this is hard. But I know it won’t last forever and I will get better soon.’ Or, ‘Poor back. I know you’re really suffering right now. But it’s OK, nothing is wrong, you can just relax.’ Or, ‘Dan, I know you’re in a lot of pain right now and that is hard to bear. But remember that you’re not alone. I’m here for you, I care about you, and we will get through this together.’

If I keep responding in this way, my pain is significantly less. My back gets better much more quickly, as I’m not bracing and tensing up, which keeps the muscles tight and in spasm. And I spare myself a great deal of unhappiness, because accepting that I’m going through a tough time helps reduce the frustration, irritation and upset that those negative responses cause.

Of course, everything you’re reading here applies just as much to psychological and emotional pain, as it does physical, somatic pain. And that’s why my next Heal Your Trauma webinar – The Healing Power of Self-Compassion – will teach you all about being kind and compassionate, rather than unkind or harsh with yourself.

I will teach you some simple, powerful self-compassion practices that you can use right away. And the webinar will feature a 15-minute Q&A, allowing you to ask me anything you want about how to manage your pain, mental health and wellbeing.

This 90-minute Zoom webinar takes place at 3pm on Saturday 28th May 2022 – and costs just £39, including exclusive access to a recording of the event.

I look forward to seeing you there – find out more about this event by watching the video and book your place now using the button below.

And sending you love and healing thoughts, whatever you might be struggling with right now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Don't Miss My Next Webinar: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion

Image by Taisiia Stupak

As part of my Heal Your Trauma project, I am offering a series of Zoom webinars throughout 2022. My second webinar – The Healing Power of Self-Compassion – will be held from 3-4.30pm on Saturday 28th May 2022.

One of the core values of this project is that everything is free, or priced affordably. So this 90-minute webinar costs just £29 to attend live, as well as gaining exclusive access to a video of the event, to watch whenever you like.

The Healing Power of Self-Compassion features 90 minutes of teaching, powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, and a 15-minute Q&A with me.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

  • The key role that self-compassion plays in healing from any psychological problem, but especially trauma

  • Key experiential exercises – such as breathing, guided meditations, journaling and imagery – you will learn to help you develop your self-compassion skills

  • How self-compassion is crucial to help you deal with stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, being overly self-critical, eating disorders, substance abuse and most other psychological problems

  • And, during a 15-minute Q&A, you will get the chance to put your questions to Dan Roberts, Founder of Heal Your Trauma and an expert on trauma healing and developing self-compassion

Don’t miss this chance to learn from a leading trauma therapist and expert on mental health and wellbeing. Watch the video for more information and book your place now – for just £29 – using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 
 
 

The Difference Between Empathy and Compassion – and Why it Matters

Are you an empathic person? As you are visiting my website and reading this post right now, I’m guessing you are. But there are some common misconceptions about what empathy actually is – and how it differs from compassion. These differences might seem a bit pedantic, or only of interest to psychology nerds like me, but it’s actually of crucial importance to you, especially if you struggle with mental-health problems.

Before we get on to empathy and compassion, let’s start with sympathy. If I feel sympathy for you, it means I feel sorry for you. So if I were walking down a street in central London and saw a homeless person begging, I might think, ‘Poor guy – he looks really miserable,’ and feel sorry for the homeless person.

Empathy is different – and actually involves a much more complex and sophisticated psychological response than sympathy. If I felt empathy for the same homeless guy, I would take time to imagine what it felt like to be him – I would try to put myself in his shoes and really work at getting what it felt like to sit there, day after day, on a cold pavement (and it’s making me sad just writing that sentence, because I think being homeless must be a terrible existence).

Empathy is a good thing, but…

So you can see that feeling empathy is harder for us than mere sympathy. It takes intentional effort, especially in a city like London where, very sadly, we can walk past hundreds of homeless people a day. It can also be uncomfortable, because I am imagining what the guy might be thinking (probably not very happy thoughts) and feeling (probably sad, crushed and hopeless, if he’s like most homeless people I have spoken to).

This is one reason many people lack empathy, because it can be painful to put yourself in the mind of another. And especially if you live in a busy, crowded metropolis like London, where you have to shut yourself down a bit not to get overwhelmed by it all.

It’s also why people make the mistake of speaking about ‘compassion fatigue’, when what they really mean is ‘empathy fatigue’. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by too much empathy – especially in our world, with heartbreaking wars raging in Ukraine, Yemen and Ethiopia, the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, famine… If you really allow yourself to feel the pain of the whole world you would just implode.

Moving into compassion

That’s why compassion is a much healthier state, but also requires another step in terms of psychological flexibility. When I feel compassion, I first have an empathic response to the homeless man, putting myself in his shoes. But I then take compassionate action – meaning I am determined to do something to relieve his suffering. And that makes all the difference, because now I am protected from burnout or fatigue.

So I might ask to buy him a sandwich or cup of tea. If he looked down or upset, as a therapist I could sit and listen to him and do what I could to help. And you don’t need to be a trained therapist to take a moment to sit next to someone and make a simple human-to-human connection. In my experience, homeless people always love this and find it deeply moving, because it means we are seeing them as a fellow human being, not just an annoying obstacle to step over or rush past as quickly as possible.

It’s clear that the world needs more compassion right now. Taking compassionate action would help us solve the many challenges facing humanity, such as those terrible wars raging, climate change, income inequality, poverty, hunger, racism and other destructive forms of discrimination, violence against women, abuse of all kinds… Every single problem we face as a global human family could be solved with a little more empathy and compassionate action.

Want to know more?

If you would like to know more about compassion and how helpful it can be – especially if you have a trauma history/are struggling with any kind of mental-health problem – do book your place on my next Zoom webinar: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion. This 90-minute webinar costs just £29, including access to a recording of the event, to watch whenever you like.

You can find out more about the event on this page, or book your place using the button below.

I hope to see you there!

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Humans Can Be Cruel – But Also Kind, Compassionate and Altruistic

Image by Tim Mossholder

It’s hard to live in this world sometimes. Of course, the crisis in Ukraine is dominating the news right now – as it should – and is utterly heartbreaking on a daily basis. But let’s not forget there are many other, less-well-covered, conflicts around the world right now. War is currently raging in Yemen and Ethiopia, to name but two, with many other places – like Syria and Afghanistan – experiencing shocking strife and instability.

Sometimes, as we view the world through the media’s negative, catastrophising prism, it can seem as if humans are terribly heartless and cruel. And in some ways, this is true – our species does have the capacity for great cruelty, aggression and barbarism. A quick glance at the history books will prove that to be true.

But we are also capable of wonderful things – acts of kindness, compassion, selfless generosity and altruism. Around the world, billions of tiny, good things happen every day, but go unreported by the media, because they are too small, too unexciting to make the headlines, rolling-news cycle or your social media feed, which can be dominated by scary and upsetting stories.

This is not an accident by the way – Facebook, Twitter and YouTube’s algorithm’s are designed to grab and hold your attention in any way they can. And, sadly, stories that scare or outrage people get more attention than sweet, simple, kind stories, so you get bombarded by the former and then think this is ‘the truth’, when it’s only a tiny fraction of most people’s daily experiences.

Are you a chimp or a bonobo?

As a psychotherapist, I am fascinated by the human mind and the capacity we all have for light and dark, good and evil, aggression and altruism. I’m also intrigued by evolutionary psychology, which seeks to explain where these capacities came from, in terms of our evolutionary history. I recently watched a Netflix documentary, Animal, which shed some surprising light on this.

One episode featured the great apes – a group of which humans are, of course, a member. And it compared the lives and behaviour of two closely related apes in the forests of the Democratic Republic of Congo. We first saw a ‘community’ of chimps, who could be tender and loving, but also shockingly violent. In this patriarchal group, males compete, fight and kill each other in a constantly evolving struggle for dominance. Chimps also kill members of local communities, as they seek to expand their territory.

The documentary then switched to a ‘party’ of bonobos, living just across the River Congo from their chimp cousins. Bonobos look a lot like chimps, but they are smaller and live in matriarchal groups, where women rule. And the difference is remarkable. They might squabble, but they live highly peaceful, pro-social lives. Bonobos don’t kill each other, or their neighbours. If young males get a bit over-excited, the women soon put them in their place. The contrast with über-violent chimps is stark.

Much has been written about this in the evolutionary-psychology literature, but as I watched this documentary I couldn’t help but think about some of our autocratic leaders: Putin, Assad, Trump, Bolsonaro, Modi, Orban – they are all basically chimps, no? Violent, macho, aggressive, lacking human empathy or compassion for the millions of people they hurt and even kill.

And then our (mostly female) bonobo-like leaders: Jacinda Ardern, Sanna Marin, Angela Merkel, Joe Biden, Barack Obama. Not perfect, of course, but still kind, compassionate, empathic, pro-social. They really seem to care about other people and do their utmost to help them. Again, the contrast with the chimp-adjacent autocrats is stark.

Humans are basically good

So, even at a time like this, when it can be so upsetting and depressing just to glance at the headlines every day, remember that the vast majority of people are basically good, kind and decent. Just look at the response to the Ukrainian refugees, which (apart, I’m ashamed to say, from the UK) has been wonderfully warm and generous. Neighbouring countries like Poland and Romania have take in millions of displaced people, with ordinary citizens giving up their homes, money, food, medicine, clothes, hotel rooms, rental cars – even driving refugees hundreds of kilometers to be reunited with their families.

It fills my heart with joy to see these generous, benevolent acts. And reminds me that as a species, we might be closely related to chimps – but we are just as intimately connected to bonobos (research shows that bonobos share about 98.7% of their DNA with humans—about the same amount that chimps share with us.) So please remember that, if the world seems rather dark and scary right now. Inside your heart and mind are wondrous capacities for kindness, decency, selflessness and other beautiful qualities. Putin can never destroy that, however hard he might try.

And if you would like to do something to help, please donate to Unicef using the button below, which is working on the ground in Ukraine to help children affected by the war.

Sending you love and warm thoughts, wherever you are in the world,

Dan

 

Hatred is a Poison – Don't Let it into Your Heart

Image by Nathan Lindahl

Watching events unfold in Ukraine, our natural empathic response as humans is to feel shocked, upset and overwhelmed at the images we see and stories we read about this terrible war. These are normal, natural emotional responses, so allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling right now. I feel those things too.

It’s also completely natural and understandable to feel angry about what’s happening. And that anger can be a kind of healthy energy that fires us up to help in any way we can, whether that’s donating money, clothes, food or time; signing petitions and writing to our leaders, urging them to act on our behalf; welcoming refugees to our shores in any way we can; or sharing messages of support for the Ukrainian people on social and mainstream media.

Anger is like rocket fuel at times like this, as we refuse to be frightened or cowed and stand up to brutality and injustice – as our parents and grandparents did in the Second World War.

Why hatred doesn’t help

But there is one emotion that, although easy to feel at times like these, is not helpful – and that’s hatred. It can be easy to hate Putin, his inner circle, or the oligarchs who have made vast riches by stealing from the Russian people. We can find ourselves hating the soldiers who drop bombs on helpless civilians. You may find yourself hating people on social media, who express pro-Putin or pro-war sentiments.

It’s easy to do. But, however seductive hatred may be, it won’t help anyone or anything. The Buddha taught us this vital message 2,500 years ago. He called hatred a ‘poison of the mind’, because although it’s easy to feel and can be addictive at times of conflict or strife, it’s also toxic, corrosive and highly destructive to both the hater and hated.

Don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment. Think about a time recently when you hated someone – really hated them, deep down in your guts. If it helps, you can close your eyes and imagine you are right there, living through that experience again. Play it out, moment by moment, reliving everything that went through your mind – all the angry, vengeful or even violent thoughts you had about this hated person.

As you do, see if you can feel what it’s like to hate, in your body. You might feel a great upsurge in energy, a burning sensation in your gut or chest, or a bitter taste in your mouth. Your muscles will be hard and tense, ready for action. Your jaw might be clenched and fists tight. Millions of years of evolution are preparing you to fight, possibly even kill, this person you hate so much.

(I know – or at least very much hope – you have no intention of acting on these feelings, but it’s helpful to remember that this is why we feel them, in evolutionary terms. Hatred is inextricably linked to the fight part of your fight-flight-freeze response.)

The cost of hatred

Doesn’t feel so good, does it? This is what the Buddha meant by hostility and hatred poisoning our minds, because they feel so awful when we experience them. They really do feel poisonous in your mind, heart and body. And when we hate it also distorts everything, focusing all of your energies on the hated person’s negative traits, words or actions, forgetting that they are human too, with a mother and father, friends, perhaps a partner and children. They love and are loved. They’re not evil, or a monster, or some kind of subhuman creature. Even Putin. Even Hitler, Stalin or Mao.

Deeply damaged and so damaging of others? Of course. People who need to be stopped, with every non-violent tool we have at our disposal? Absolutely – we need to stand up to Putin, or he will do even more damage. Personally, I would like to see him tried for war crimes at the International Criminal Court, as well as every other tyrant causing suffering around the world.

Anger? Yes. hatred? No

But I refuse to hate him for what he’s doing in Ukraine, because if I do, he has won. The Dalai Lama teaches that we should never let another person’s behaviour disturb our inner peace. And I am trying to be guided by that wisdom, doing everything in my power to help the Ukraininan people, feeling anger, upset, outrage – but never hatred.

I feel so strongly about this that I long ago made a commitment to stop using the word ‘hate’ in my thoughts or speech (around the time I started learning about Buddhism, by the way).

I won’t let Putin or anyone else make me feel that, or break the commitment I made to myself. I refuse to let my mind be poisoned.

Instead, I am sending deep love, compassion, and a heartfelt hope for peace and an end to their suffering to the people of Ukraine.

And my warmest wishes to you, wherever you may be in the world,

Dan

Please donate to Unicef, who are helping children in Ukraine and those fleeing from the conflict in their country

 

A Compassionate Response to the Crisis in Ukraine

It’s heartbreaking to watch the crisis in Ukraine unfold, as innocent people are attacked by Russia’s fearsome military machine. This situation is also deeply disturbing for the majority of Russians, who are baffled and ashamed about their country invading a neighbour. Like the rest of the world, they understand that this aggression stems from the top, where their authoritarian leader, Vladimir Putin – who seems extremely unwell, psychologically – has dragged his country into one needless conflict after another. He is obsessed with re-establishing Russia as a global superpower, whatever the human cost.

My heart goes out to everyone affected by this war – the Ukrainian citizens, who are experiencing unimaginable suffering as their homes and families are attacked; those fighting and dying on both sides – they are all human and have people who love them, whether Ukrainian or Russian; and the refugees pouring out of Ukraine every day, desperately seeking safety for themselves and their children.

One of the hardest things at a time like this is the sense of helplessness, as we watch on from afar. It can seem as though we are completely powerless and that there is nothing we can do to help. But that’s not true. There is plenty we can do – and taking action is so important right now, because it will help you feel less helpless and overwhelmed.

Two types of compassion

In her book, Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive, Kristin Neff distinguishes between two forms of self-compassion: tender and fierce. Tender self-compassion is the more familiar version, involving treating yourself with the kindness and care you would offer to a beloved partner, friend, family member or child. And we call need to offer ourselves this form of self-compassion right now, as after two years of Covid-related stress and anxiety, we don’t have much resilience or the psychological resources to handle this horrible conflict, with all the scary and upsetting media coverage we digest about it every day.

I think we can also extend this tender compassion outward, to people we know who are struggling with the news about Ukraine, comforting them or offering a hug when they are stressed or upset; donating money to some of the many charities that are helping people on the ground in Ukraine, or working with refugees pouring out of the country (I recommend UNICEF, which is helping Ukrainian children traumatised by this conflict – please donate to them using the button below); and helping refugees settle in our countries. Refugee Action and Global Giving are both excellent choices for your charitable donations.

Fierce compassion

This situation also calls for the other form of compassion: fierce compassion. As Kristin Neff explains, fierce compassion (whether for self or others) helps us say no, set limits and boundaries, use our anger to fight for what’s right, combat injustice and protect the vulnerable. We are all looking for our leaders to act with fierce compassion right now, with severe economic sanctions as long as Putin is in charge, supporting the people of Ukraine in every possible way to defend themselves and their democracy.

I also think we should all put as much pressure as we can on our leaders, through social media, petitions, contacting your MP and the Government as much as you can, so they are crystal clear about the anguish and outrage we all feel about this awful situation. If you’re in the UK and are not sure who your MP is or how to contact them, you can do so here.

Look after yourself too

Finally, make sure you take care of yourself. This crisis is incredibly stressful, of course primarily for people in Ukraine and their loved ones – it’s hard to imagine how much they are suffering right now. But it’s also stressful for all of us in Europe, watching on with anxiety about what this disturbed individual will do next.

So go easy on the news – we can stay informed about what’s going on without watching every awful video or reading all the details about what’s happening, day by day. This is especially true if you have a trauma history, because you may find this situation highly triggering, in many ways.

Sending love, solidarity and prayers for peace to the Ukrainian people.

And sending you warm thoughts, wherever you are in the world,

Dan

Compassionate Breathing: A Step-By-Step Guide

This is a foundational practice that I use with all of my clients, to help them regulate their nervous system. You can use this practice any time you feel triggered and either ‘hyperaroused’ (high-energy states like being stressed, agitated, angry, upset, anxious) or ‘hypoaroused’ (low-energy states like being sad, ashamed, depressed or dissociated).

If you are a trauma survivor, you may experience one or both of these states on a daily basis, perhaps cycling between them – so having some simple, effective techniques to help manage that is crucial.

You can be guided by my video on Compassionate Breathing, below, but it’s helpful to read these guidelines first, to give you some idea of when to use the practice and what you are trying to achieve. The first two stages of the practice focus on calming and regulating your nervous system by adjusting the speed and depth of your breathing. I will send you a follow-up post which guides you through stages three and four, to help you generate self-compassion, sending warmth and kindness to the hurt little boy or girl inside.

It’s helpful to understand a little about the nervous system first. If you feel threatened and your brain decides that fight or flight are the best survival options, you feel either angry (signalling fight) or anxious (telling you that flight is the best option), your sympathetic nervous system is activated, you start ‘chest breathing’ (fast, shallow breaths from the top part of your lungs), your muscles tense up, heart rate increases and you get a bit shot of adrenaline/cortisol into your bloodstream.

All of this gives you strength and energy to either fight or flee – great news if you are faced with a hungry predator, not so good if you are on a busy Tube train. And if you can’t fight or flee, your brain triggers the freeze response, which can make you feel collapsed, exhausted, paralysed, spacey or numb.

This technique help you breathe deeply and abdominally, which is the opposite of fast, shallow chest breathing. And breathing abdominally stimulates the vagus nerve, which also stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and the ‘rest and digest’ response to help you feel calmer, safer and more at peace – helpful whether you’re in a high- or low-energy state.

The practice

1. Adjust your posture. Make sure your feet are flat and grounded on the floor, then let your shoulders gently roll back so your chest feels spacious and open. Now lengthen your spine – sit upright but relaxed, with your head, neck and spine in alignment. Imagine an invisible piece of string attached to the top of your head, pulling you gently upright.

Sitting in this position helps you feel grounded, alert and stronger in your core. There is a great deal of research on the link between your posture and mood, so just a simple adjustment in posture can help you feel a bit more energised and stronger, with a subtle but noticeable uplift in your energy and mood.

2. Begin Compassionate Breathing. Close your eyes, take deep, slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Your breaths should be roughly four seconds in, four seconds out. Imagine that your abdomen is like a balloon, inflating on the in-breath, deflating on the out-breath. Keep breathing, noticing everything slowing down and letting your muscles start to relax.

Breathing this way should help you feel calmer within a minute or so, but if you have time, I recommend extending the practice for up to five minutes – it’s just deep breathing, so you can’t do it too much! I also love this practice because you can do it anywhere – on the bus, in a difficult meeting, at your desk…

Try using Compassionate Breathing every day, especially when you’re feeling triggered in any way. I very much hope that, over time, it will help you feel calmer, more relaxed and mindfully present in your day-to-day life.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 
 

I am a meditation teacher for Insight Timer, where you will find a wealth of resources (mostly free/donation-based) including courses, breathing techniques, guided imagery, mindfulness and self-compassion practices and much more.