What is the story of your life? What do you tell yourself about your successes and failures, key life events, those you love and those who have hurt you in some way? In my therapy practice, I find that people often tell themselves a story about their life that is distorted, highly critical, focusing heavily on perceived mistakes and failings. This is especially common among trauma survivors, who are often made to feel bad, wrong or unlovable as children.

Over the course of therapy, I always try to help people write a new life story. One that is realistic, not pessimistic. Compassionate, not critical. Based on the understanding that we all suffer, we all make mistakes, we all have problems. That is the nature of living a human life.

Your life story

So, you were born. And you landed in a family, with (probably) two parents, maybe some siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and assorted other relatives. And if, as so often happens, that family was not a happy one, your childhood was difficult, which caused you suffering and may have led to lifelong psychological problems.

A key concept in schema therapy is that of ‘core needs’. These are core developmental needs that all children have, whatever culture or family structure they grow up in. There are five needs, which I will explain in detail in a future post, but the two most important needs are for love and a secure attachment; and safety and protection. If these were not met for you in your family (where the vast majority of our development occurs), you would have developed unhelpful ‘schemas’.

And these schemas – neural networks that fire up when you feel threatened or stressed – have a profound effect on how you feel, your sensitivities and vulnerabilities, your thoughts, behaviour and most of what makes you, you on a daily basis. Well, as I always tell my clients: you didn’t choose to land in that family, did you? You didn’t choose to have the painful schemas that make life so difficult. You certainly didn’t choose to be anxious, stressed, depressed, to have an eating disorder or low self-esteem. Nobody would choose those things.

The Compassionate Version

So instead of telling yourself a harsh, critical, self-blaming story, why not choose a more compassionate version? One in which you found a way to cope with the painful wounds inflicted by a childhood that let you down in some way. That coping may involve some unhelpful behaviours, like over-eating, drinking too much or even taking drugs, but – although of course it would be helpful to free yourself from these ways of coping – they are definitely not your fault.

You are just coping, the best way you know how, like the rest of us. No blame. No shame. No beating yourself up. Just understanding what went wrong in your childhood, the effect that has had on your mind, brain, nervous system and body, and how to heal yourself. And while we’re at it, why don’t we change that horrible ending and replace it with a positive, hopeful, happy (or at least happier) version?

One in which you can be healed, with hard work and – if your wounds are deep – with expert help. An ending in which you are loving and loved. Having lived a rich, meaningful life. Because, as far as we know, this life is the only one we get. So it seems crucial to me that we make the most of it, however hard or hurtful its beginning.

And I will do my best to help with that, so please keep reading these posts and I will guide you along the path to a new, improved version of your unique life story.

Warm wishes,

Dan