What is Fierce Self-Compassion?

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If there is one skill I would like you to develop, it’s self-compassion. Learning to treat yourself with greater kindness, respect, care and compassion is crucial, especially if you struggle with mental-health problems. And in some ways, this is just common sense – we all know we should treat ourselves in the way we try to treat others, right?

But the tricky thing for many of us is, how? How do we break the lifelong pattern of being harshly self-critical? How do we realise that we are worthy of kindness, worthy of compassion, worthy of respect? For many of my clients, that is a big step – understanding that they are a likeable, lovable person who deserves good things as much as any other human on this planet.

So a lot of work goes into this, especially in the early stages of therapy – bit by bit, step by incremental step, changing the narrative from ‘I’m a bad person’ to ‘I’m a good person that bad things happened to’ is key, especially in trauma therapy, as so many people believe they are somehow bad, defective or unworthy when they emerge from a tough childhood.

The yin and yang of self-compassion

So, self-compassion is key. And if you start exploring this field, you will quickly come across Kristin Neff, who is an Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin. Kristin is the world’s leading academic expert on self-compassion – and has been an evangelist for its power to heal past hurts for many years now.

If you don’t know Kristin, do read her first book: Self-Compassion; Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Also check out her Insight Timer collection, which I frequently use myself, as she has a lovely voice and her guided meditations are always excellent.

She has recently been expanding her thinking around self-compassion to include not just treating ourselves with tenderness and kindness, but also to help us be strong and determined, set boundaries, be assertive with challenging people/situations and say No! And for many of us, this stuff can be really hard – so many of my clients have issues with setting boundaries, because they didn’t learn how to do that as children.

If this is a tricky area for you too, do read Kristin’s latest book: Fierce Self-Compassion; How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive. She speaks about the ‘yin and yang’ of self-compassion – yin being tender self-compassion, while yang is fierce self-compassion.

What does this mean in practice? Say you have an annoying co-worker, who is always putting you down. Let’s call her Kate. For whatever reason, Kate always seems to belittle or dismiss you in front of your colleagues. She can be quite subtle, but the messages are things like, ‘Well done for writing that report. Although, to be honest, I did most of the work and you got all the credit.’ Or, ‘That’s a nice dress. I couldn’t wear it myself, because I’m too slim, but you’re much bigger so it looks OK on you.’

You get the picture. Passive-aggressiveness, sniping, jokes-that-aren’t-really-jokes. And the effect on you is corrosive – day after day, a drip, drip of unpleasantness that just wears you down.

Momma-grizzly energy

A metaphor I love in this book, and often use with my clients, is that of momma-grizzly energy. You wouldn’t want to mess with a momma grizzly’s cubs, right? That wouldn’t go well. And we all have this energy inside, ready to protect us or our loved ones – it’s just hard to access, especially if you experienced trauma, were hurt or squashed as a kid.

But imagine harnessing that momma-grizzly energy with Kate. You could take her aside one break time and say something like, ‘Kate, I know you think all these jokes and comments you make about me are harmless, or funny, but I find them pretty hurtful and offensive. So from now on, I would like you to speak to me with respect. And if you can’t do that, I will be raising this with our line manager and HR. Thank you.’

Now, I know full well that speaking with this kind of clarity and assertiveness is not easy. But you can definitely become more assertive, more boundaried, more able to stand up for yourself against the Kates of this world. I have learned how to do that myself – and taught hundreds of clients to do it too.

So do read the book and check out those guided meditations. And if you want to learn more about how to treat yourself with greater compassion, come to my webinar on Saturday 27th May, The Healing Power of Self-Compassion.

You can book your place now using the button below – I hope to see you there.

Sending love and warm thoughts,

Dan

How to Be Assertive – Even With the Most Difficult People

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Think of the most difficult person in your life. Now imagine you are in conflict with them and need to find a way of communicating that solves the problem. Sounds daunting, right? But there is a simple, easy-to-learn formula that will help you manage even the most challenging people in your life — it’s called ‘assertive communication’ and I will guide you through the simple steps involved so you can make assertiveness your new superpower.

Like all new skills, assertiveness is not easy to learn — and even harder to put into practice. But think of it like learning a musical instrument, or driving a car. At first, it’s really hard and clunky. It takes huge amounts of concentration and you still make tons of mistakes every time you try. But, over time, it gets a bit easier each time you strum that guitar or park in a tight spot.

And then, one day, as if by magic, you try again and it just works. You can play that Beatles tune easily and it actually sounds right. Or you can drive to the supermarket smoothly and confidently, without scaring the life out of your dad in the passenger seat.

We think of this as muscle memory but actually, it’s the development of a neural network in your brain called a ‘schema’. This is a blueprint for how to play the guitar or drive your car that fires up every time you do it. It’s something your brain develops so that it can save energy for oft-repeated tasks (your brain is constantly looking for ways to conserve energy, as it has a vast number of tasks to perform for every second of your existence with only finite energy resources).

The same goes for being assertive. Just practice over and over — starting with the easiest people and situations, before progressing on to the tough ones — and before you know it you have nailed it. Critical partner, undermining boss, negative friend — whoever the difficult people in your life are, you will find relationships with them a whole lot easier and more pleasurable.

Why is it so hard to be assertive?

Before I teach you how to be assertive, we need to ponder why so many of us find this simple skill so daunting. In my therapy practice, I work with many people every week who are unassertive, letting themselves be bullied or steamrollered by more confident, pushy folk. And many of my clients have been bullied as kids, either in the family, at school or both.

This sapped their confidence, making them feel helpless and weak. As I often tell my clients, think of a three-year-old girl being shouted at by her dad. What can that little kid do? She is tiny and her dad is huge. He is much stronger, smarter, more cognitively and verbally skilled than her. She feels scared and under threat — so the threat system in her brain fires up and triggers the fight-flight-freeze response.

She can’t fight, as he is much bigger and stronger. She can’t flee, as it’s her home and she has nowhere else to go. So the only option is freeze — think of a deer in the headlights, muscles quivering with tension but frozen in terror. That’s what happens to us when our freeze response is triggered.

How maladaptive schemas sap your strength

If this happens over and over — as it did for many of my clients — we develop those schemas I mentioned earlier. But these are not helpful schemas, they are what we call ‘early maladaptive schemas’, in this context maladaptive meaning unhelpful.

That poor little girl will probably develop a Subjugation schema, which makes her feel powerless, subjugating her own needs, wants and desires to strong, dominant people like her dad. She may also develop a Mistrust/Abuse schema because she was verbally and emotionally abused throughout her childhood. And maybe a Vulnerability schema, because she feels vulnerable and under threat in the world.

As an adult, these schemas fire up whenever she feels stressed and threatened by someone who reminds her of her angry, bullying dad. She will probably be especially triggered by male authority figures, so a nasty male boss will be like Kryptonite for her. And when those schemas get triggered, she feels intense emotions like anxiety, bodily sensations like a plunging in her stomach, breathlessness and a racing heart.

Even though she is a smart, capable 40-year-old lawyer, mum, wife and activist, in those moments she is three again, powerless to fight back against the critical, angry man who is shouting her down.

Demystifying assertive communication

Luckily, even if we have experienced a destructive, disempowering childhood, as adults we can learn to heal those schemas and deal with difficult people in a more confident, assertive manner. There is a simple model for having difficult conversations that I have taught to hundreds of clients — and used many times with the challenging folk in my own life. Here’s how it goes.

Let’s say you have a tricky coworker, Nancy. She seems to enjoy putting you down and belittling you in front of colleagues, even though you treat her well and she has no reason to attack you. It’s just how she is with everyone (assuming they let her get away with it). In a meeting, when you presented your idea for boosting sales of a new product, Nancy interrupted you, said it was a stupid idea and would never work.

This was, of course, hurtful and humiliating. For the rest of the meeting, you sat there fuming, angry thoughts and feelings churning away inside you like a toxic cocktail in a blender. Normally, that’s where the anger would stay — eating away at you inside, while you thought of a thousand witty putdowns that remained resolutely unsaid.

But not today. Because yesterday you worked with me on a new way of handling the Nancys of this world — using assertive communication to stand your ground and say what you needed to, even if that led to the conflict you so desperately try to avoid. So after the meeting, you (Sarah) march into Nancy’s office, sit across from her and get assertive.

Sarah: ‘Nancy, can I speak to you about the meeting.’

Nancy: ‘Oh, I don’t have time for that Sarah, I’m swamped!’

S: ‘This will only take a minute (refusing to be dismissed). I just want to tell you that when you interrupted me and shot my idea down like that, I really thought it was rude and disrespectful (step 1). Also, it made me look bad and feel embarrassed in front of the team (step 2). So in future, I would appreciate it if you would let me finish and respond in a more respectful manner (step 3).’

N (looking shocked): ‘Oh… um… well… I didn’t mean to upset you. I just come off a bit snappy sometimes. But your idea was a bit lame…’

S: ‘You are entitled to your opinion, of course. But again, in future, I am asking you not to interrupt me or speak to me in that rude way. Are we clear?’

N: ‘Um… I guess. Sorry.’

S: ‘No problem. I really appreciate your apology.’

Take-home points

Did you notice the way you refused to be dismissed and stuck to your guns? Also, that you used a three-step formula: ‘When you said/did A, I really felt B, and in future, I would appreciate it if you did/didn’t do C’

Simple, no? And that’s the point. When you’re being assertive, keep it short and simple. Don’t be tempted to add lots of words, or dress it up nicely. Be polite but firm. You don’t need to be rude or aggressive. Just say what you need to clearly and directly — that’s incredibly powerful.

And even though there is no guarantee that the other person will respond well, they usually do. Also, remember this isn’t a one-hit scenario. If Nancy does it again in the next meeting, you say the same thing again: ‘Nancy, remember when I asked you…’ Sometimes it takes a few reminders for people to get it, but they eventually do.

So, please do try this at home. Start with someone easy and a minor situation, to practice. Then work your way up to the toughest people, one step at a time. You will be amazed at how effective it is.

Good luck! I hope you enjoy your new superpower — and the newfound strength, confidence and self-worth that will start flourishing every time you use it.

Warm wishes,

Dan

The Anger-Management Skills Everyone Needs to Know

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Pick up a newspaper, watch a movie or the TV news and you'll get the message, loud and clear, that anger is a Very Bad Thing. Road rage, desk rage, trolley rage – if we believe the media then anger is scary, destructive and something we should avoid at all costs.

In fact, the problem is not anger, it's aggression: the unhealthy distortion of a perfectly natural emotion. Like sadness, fear or love, anger is neither good nor bad, it just is.

The problem comes when you express anger in one of two dysfunctional ways: you become aggressive and struggle to control your angry outbursts, using threatening language and behaviour to exert control over others.

When you’re seething inside

Or passive, becoming scared of anger – both your own and other people's – meaning that you give away your power, struggling to impose yourself on the world or fight back when bullied, even though you might be seething inside.

Both distortions of anger can be extremely damaging. The first damages those around you, as you attack or intimidate them. Eventually, of course, if you keep lashing out you cause problems for yourself too – when your destructive behaviour gets you sacked, divorced or arrested.

If you belong to the second group, you mostly hurt yourself – bottling up your anger causes stress, anxiety, depression, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, stroke... the list goes on. 

Assertiveness, not aggression

Either way, you need to learn how to express anger cleanly and healthily – responding with appropriate, proportionate anger in situations that demand it (a rude co-worker; a bullying spouse; a salesman trying to rip you off). Anger gets a very bad press, but if felt and expressed healthily it's a great source of power and strength. The whole evolutionary purpose of anger is to protect yourself and those you love from attack. So the key is to be assertive, not passive or aggressive.

Some of humanity's greatest leaders have been the living embodiment of assertiveness, like Gandhi or Martin Luther King. Both practised non-violence, but transformed the lives of millions of people through sheer determination: they could not be bullied or intimidated, and maintained great dignity in the face of brutality and aggression.

If you would like to be more assertive, next time someone upsets you try this exercise:

1. Get the person's attention. This won't work if they're reading the paper or fiddling with their Blackberry.

2. Describe the behaviour you found difficult. Do this without personalising it or making accusations. Just stick to the facts: 'In that meeting you kept interrupting, talking over me and dismissing my ideas.'

3. Tell them how it made you feel. Use 'I statements' and take responsibility for your feelings: 'When you constantly interrupt me I find it frustrating and annoying.' Avoid emotions like anger, hurt or jealousy, because these will undermine your attempt to be assertive.

4. Check your interpretation and ask them to respond. Your interpretation of events may have been completely inaccurate, so it's very useful to check them against reality. 'Do you think you interrupted a lot? Did you feel dismissive of my ideas?'

5. Listen to the other person's response. Try to be non-defensive (this can be hard, but it will really help) and expect their interpretation to be different than yours. That's OK – they are entitled to their opinion, but you don't have to accept it.

6. Tell them how you would like it to be. This means expressing preferences ('I would appreciate it if you stop interrupting me in meetings'), not demands ('I'm sick of you interrupting – don't ever do it again!').

Of course, this is a bit of a lengthy process. Once you've got the hang of it you can boil it down to a much shorter exchange. And if you do this, regularly, you'll be amazed at the difference it makes to the way you feel and the relationships with your partner, family and colleagues.

Because it's so important, I would like to repeat this: expressing your anger healthily does not mean attacking anyone else, either verbally or physically. That is both unhealthy and destructive for all concerned. Managing your anger is about finding ways to be more assertive, expressing what you really feel and need without lashing out or stuffing your angry feelings.

Warm wishes,

Dan