Think of the most difficult person in your life. Now imagine you are in conflict with them and need to find a way of communicating that solves the problem. Sounds daunting, right? But there is a simple, easy-to-learn formula that will help you manage even the most challenging people in your life — it’s called ‘assertive communication’ and I will guide you through the simple steps involved so you can make assertiveness your new superpower.

Like all new skills, assertiveness is not easy to learn — and even harder to put into practice. But think of it like learning a musical instrument, or driving a car. At first, it’s really hard and clunky. It takes huge amounts of concentration and you still make tons of mistakes every time you try. But, over time, it gets a bit easier each time you strum that guitar or park in a tight spot.

And then, one day, as if by magic, you try again and it just works. You can play that Beatles tune easily and it actually sounds right. Or you can drive to the supermarket smoothly and confidently, without scaring the life out of your dad in the passenger seat.

We think of this as muscle memory but actually, it’s the development of a neural network in your brain called a ‘schema’. This is a blueprint for how to play the guitar or drive your car that fires up every time you do it. It’s something your brain develops so that it can save energy for oft-repeated tasks (your brain is constantly looking for ways to conserve energy, as it has a vast number of tasks to perform for every second of your existence with only finite energy resources).

The same goes for being assertive. Just practice over and over — starting with the easiest people and situations, before progressing on to the tough ones — and before you know it you have nailed it. Critical partner, undermining boss, negative friend — whoever the difficult people in your life are, you will find relationships with them a whole lot easier and more pleasurable.

Why is it so hard to be assertive?

Before I teach you how to be assertive, we need to ponder why so many of us find this simple skill so daunting. In my therapy practice, I work with many people every week who are unassertive, letting themselves be bullied or steamrollered by more confident, pushy folk. And many of my clients have been bullied as kids, either in the family, at school or both.

This sapped their confidence, making them feel helpless and weak. As I often tell my clients, think of a three-year-old girl being shouted at by her dad. What can that little kid do? She is tiny and her dad is huge. He is much stronger, smarter, more cognitively and verbally skilled than her. She feels scared and under threat — so the threat system in her brain fires up and triggers the fight-flight-freeze response.

She can’t fight, as he is much bigger and stronger. She can’t flee, as it’s her home and she has nowhere else to go. So the only option is freeze — think of a deer in the headlights, muscles quivering with tension but frozen in terror. That’s what happens to us when our freeze response is triggered.

How maladaptive schemas sap your strength

If this happens over and over — as it did for many of my clients — we develop those schemas I mentioned earlier. But these are not helpful schemas, they are what we call ‘early maladaptive schemas’, in this context maladaptive meaning unhelpful.

That poor little girl will probably develop a Subjugation schema, which makes her feel powerless, subjugating her own needs, wants and desires to strong, dominant people like her dad. She may also develop a Mistrust/Abuse schema because she was verbally and emotionally abused throughout her childhood. And maybe a Vulnerability schema, because she feels vulnerable and under threat in the world.

As an adult, these schemas fire up whenever she feels stressed and threatened by someone who reminds her of her angry, bullying dad. She will probably be especially triggered by male authority figures, so a nasty male boss will be like Kryptonite for her. And when those schemas get triggered, she feels intense emotions like anxiety, bodily sensations like a plunging in her stomach, breathlessness and a racing heart.

Even though she is a smart, capable 40-year-old lawyer, mum, wife and activist, in those moments she is three again, powerless to fight back against the critical, angry man who is shouting her down.

Demystifying assertive communication

Luckily, even if we have experienced a destructive, disempowering childhood, as adults we can learn to heal those schemas and deal with difficult people in a more confident, assertive manner. There is a simple model for having difficult conversations that I have taught to hundreds of clients — and used many times with the challenging folk in my own life. Here’s how it goes.

Let’s say you have a tricky coworker, Nancy. She seems to enjoy putting you down and belittling you in front of colleagues, even though you treat her well and she has no reason to attack you. It’s just how she is with everyone (assuming they let her get away with it). In a meeting, when you presented your idea for boosting sales of a new product, Nancy interrupted you, said it was a stupid idea and would never work.

This was, of course, hurtful and humiliating. For the rest of the meeting, you sat there fuming, angry thoughts and feelings churning away inside you like a toxic cocktail in a blender. Normally, that’s where the anger would stay — eating away at you inside, while you thought of a thousand witty putdowns that remained resolutely unsaid.

But not today. Because yesterday you worked with me on a new way of handling the Nancys of this world — using assertive communication to stand your ground and say what you needed to, even if that led to the conflict you so desperately try to avoid. So after the meeting, you (Sarah) march into Nancy’s office, sit across from her and get assertive.

Sarah: ‘Nancy, can I speak to you about the meeting.’

Nancy: ‘Oh, I don’t have time for that Sarah, I’m swamped!’

S: ‘This will only take a minute (refusing to be dismissed). I just want to tell you that when you interrupted me and shot my idea down like that, I really thought it was rude and disrespectful (step 1). Also, it made me look bad and feel embarrassed in front of the team (step 2). So in future, I would appreciate it if you would let me finish and respond in a more respectful manner (step 3).’

N (looking shocked): ‘Oh… um… well… I didn’t mean to upset you. I just come off a bit snappy sometimes. But your idea was a bit lame…’

S: ‘You are entitled to your opinion, of course. But again, in future, I am asking you not to interrupt me or speak to me in that rude way. Are we clear?’

N: ‘Um… I guess. Sorry.’

S: ‘No problem. I really appreciate your apology.’

Take-home points

Did you notice the way you refused to be dismissed and stuck to your guns? Also, that you used a three-step formula: ‘When you said/did A, I really felt B, and in future, I would appreciate it if you did/didn’t do C’

Simple, no? And that’s the point. When you’re being assertive, keep it short and simple. Don’t be tempted to add lots of words, or dress it up nicely. Be polite but firm. You don’t need to be rude or aggressive. Just say what you need to clearly and directly — that’s incredibly powerful.

And even though there is no guarantee that the other person will respond well, they usually do. Also, remember this isn’t a one-hit scenario. If Nancy does it again in the next meeting, you say the same thing again: ‘Nancy, remember when I asked you…’ Sometimes it takes a few reminders for people to get it, but they eventually do.

So, please do try this at home. Start with someone easy and a minor situation, to practice. Then work your way up to the toughest people, one step at a time. You will be amazed at how effective it is.

Good luck! I hope you enjoy your new superpower — and the newfound strength, confidence and self-worth that will start flourishing every time you use it.

Warm wishes,

Dan