If there is one skill I would like you to develop, it’s self-compassion. Learning to treat yourself with greater kindness, respect, care and compassion is crucial, especially if you struggle with mental-health problems. And in some ways, this is just common sense – we all know we should treat ourselves in the way we try to treat others, right?

But the tricky thing for many of us is, how? How do we break the lifelong pattern of being harshly self-critical? How do we realise that we are worthy of kindness, worthy of compassion, worthy of respect? For many of my clients, that is a big step – understanding that they are a likeable, lovable person who deserves good things as much as any other human on this planet.

So a lot of work goes into this, especially in the early stages of therapy – bit by bit, step by incremental step, changing the narrative from ‘I’m a bad person’ to ‘I’m a good person that bad things happened to’ is key, especially in trauma therapy, as so many people believe they are somehow bad, defective or unworthy when they emerge from a tough childhood.

The yin and yang of self-compassion

So, self-compassion is key. And if you start exploring this field, you will quickly come across Kristin Neff, who is an Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin. Kristin is the world’s leading academic expert on self-compassion – and has been an evangelist for its power to heal past hurts for many years now.

If you don’t know Kristin, do read her first book: Self-Compassion; Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Also check out her Insight Timer collection, which I frequently use myself, as she has a lovely voice and her guided meditations are always excellent.

She has recently been expanding her thinking around self-compassion to include not just treating ourselves with tenderness and kindness, but also to help us be strong and determined, set boundaries, be assertive with challenging people/situations and say No! And for many of us, this stuff can be really hard – so many of my clients have issues with setting boundaries, because they didn’t learn how to do that as children.

If this is a tricky area for you too, do read Kristin’s latest book: Fierce Self-Compassion; How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive. She speaks about the ‘yin and yang’ of self-compassion – yin being tender self-compassion, while yang is fierce self-compassion.

What does this mean in practice? Say you have an annoying co-worker, who is always putting you down. Let’s call her Kate. For whatever reason, Kate always seems to belittle or dismiss you in front of your colleagues. She can be quite subtle, but the messages are things like, ‘Well done for writing that report. Although, to be honest, I did most of the work and you got all the credit.’ Or, ‘That’s a nice dress. I couldn’t wear it myself, because I’m too slim, but you’re much bigger so it looks OK on you.’

You get the picture. Passive-aggressiveness, sniping, jokes-that-aren’t-really-jokes. And the effect on you is corrosive – day after day, a drip, drip of unpleasantness that just wears you down.

Momma-grizzly energy

A metaphor I love in this book, and often use with my clients, is that of momma-grizzly energy. You wouldn’t want to mess with a momma grizzly’s cubs, right? That wouldn’t go well. And we all have this energy inside, ready to protect us or our loved ones – it’s just hard to access, especially if you experienced trauma, were hurt or squashed as a kid.

But imagine harnessing that momma-grizzly energy with Kate. You could take her aside one break time and say something like, ‘Kate, I know you think all these jokes and comments you make about me are harmless, or funny, but I find them pretty hurtful and offensive. So from now on, I would like you to speak to me with respect. And if you can’t do that, I will be raising this with our line manager and HR. Thank you.’

Now, I know full well that speaking with this kind of clarity and assertiveness is not easy. But you can definitely become more assertive, more boundaried, more able to stand up for yourself against the Kates of this world. I have learned how to do that myself – and taught hundreds of clients to do it too.

So do read the book and check out those guided meditations. And if you want to learn more about how to treat yourself with greater compassion, come to my webinar on Saturday 27th May, The Healing Power of Self-Compassion.

You can book your place now using the button below – I hope to see you there.

Sending love and warm thoughts,

Dan

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