How self-critical are you? You might be one of those people who mildly admonish themselves when they make a mistake: ‘Oh Jenny, that was a bit foolish, don’t do that again.’ Or – if you are anything like most of the people I see for therapy – your Inner Critic may be super-harsh: ‘James, you’re an idiot! Why do you make the same stupid, pathetic mistakes over and over? You should be ashamed of yourself, you ******* waste of space.’
As you are reading this, and have signed up to a mental-health newsletter, I’m guessing your Critic is up the harsher end of the scale. If so, I’m sorry – that probably makes your life exceedingly difficult, affecting your confidence and self-esteem on a daily basis. Your Critic might jump on every little thing you say and do, looking for tiny errors to beat you up about. Not much fun, right?
But have you ever thought about why your Critic does this? Or when it learned to be that critical voice in your head? Let’s try and answer those questions – and both the why and when might surprise you.
When does the inner critic come online?
As a schema therapist, I have worked with hundreds of Critics. I have tried using techniques drawn from cognitive-behaviour therapy, compassion-focused therapy, schema therapy and internal family systems therapy – all of my therapeutic big guns. That’s because I see the Critic, internally, as the main driver of most psychological problems, from anxiety-related issues like social anxiety and public-speaking anxiety, to depression, eating disorders, problems with anger, in relationships, with substance abuse and addiction.
You name the problem with your thoughts, emotions, moods, body and behaviour and the Critic is probably involved in some way. As we will see below, I don’t think the Critic means to cause any of these problems – in fact, it’s probably trying to help – but nevertheless, it unwittingly does.
The exact age at which your Critic came online is, of course, hard to pin down. But my hunch is that it was around four or five years old, because that’s the age at which we start to get cognitive. For the first time, we can start to think things like (if you’re the girl in the photo), ‘Why does mummy always like my sister’s paintings more than mine?’ or, ‘Why doesn’t Sally want to be friends any more? Did I do something wrong and now she hates me?’
And we can think these more ‘metacognitive’ thoughts because our prefrontal cortex is really starting to develop at this age. This crucial part of your brain, which is just behind your forehead, takes a long time to develop – it doesn’t fully mature until you are in your early twenties. And when we start thinking about what other people think of us, whether they like us or like someone else more, that maybe they find us annoying or dislikable, our Critic emerges.
This part of you starts monitoring everything you think, say and do, checking for anything that might lead to a bad outcome – someone being angry with or rejecting you, say. And if it notices that, it starts giving you a hard time – to modify your behaviour. Which leads us to the why…
Why does the critic criticise?
It’s hard to believe, I know, but the Critic really does mean well. Even the meanest, harshest, most aggressive Critic is trying to help. How? In my opinion, Critics are always trying to motivate or protect you, or both. The motivation is easier to spot, like when it tells you to get up off your behind and go for a walk, you lazy so and so. Or telling you not to eat that yummy piece of cake, because you’re big enough already. A bit harsh, but clearly pushing you into doing something helpful.
And the protection – which started when you were a small, vulnerable child – is all about stopping you saying or doing something that will lead to you getting hurt. If this is hard to accept about that relentless voice in your head, just notice two things:
First, your Critic gets loud when you are vulnerable or threatened in some way. That’s because it’s freaking out – it sees the danger and is trying to warn you, in its somewhat clumsy and ineffective way
And second, what are the themes of your critical self-talk? Just notice them and I bet they focus on, for example, the thing you said to that colleague that led to them being cold with you; or the drunken story you told at that party that hurt your partner, so they snapped at you and you felt regretful and ashamed the next morning
Hard as it is to see at first, the intention of your Critic is good – it’s just the method, or behaviour, that needs to change. Understanding this is a crucial first step on turning down the volume on that relentless self-criticism, treating yourself more kindly and with greater respect.
I hope that helps – and if you would like to know more, do come along to my next webinar, How to Manage Your Inner Critic, on Saturday 25th March 2023. Email Anna, our lovely Heal Your Trauma administrator at info@danroberts.com if you want to find out more, or book your place now using the button below. I hope to see you there!
Sending you love and warm thoughts,
Dan
