Do You Struggle to Accept Kindness? How to Let it into Your Heart

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What do you do when someone offers you a compliment? How are you with praise, appreciation and expressions of pride? I hope you are able to receive these offers of love and validation with grace, taking them into your heart so they nourish and replenish your spirit. But I suspect that, for many of you, it’s not so simple. You may feel a little embarrassed and bat them away: ‘Oh, that’s nice of you, but anyone could have done it.’

You may even squirm, finding praise deeply uncomfortable. I have some clients who actually wince when I say something nice to them! This confused me for a long time, until we addressed the problem directly and I began to understand why it’s so hard for some of us to take in the good. Here are two of the things my clients taught me about why compliments and praise can evoke such negative reactions.

It jars with a critical sense of self

Sadly, many of my clients have a highly negative sense of self. They think they are somehow defective, dislikeable or in some other way uniquely weird, different or lesser beings. This has been hard-wired into their brains through repetition, over many years. They have spent so long thinking critically and negatively about themselves that these ways of thinking have developed quick, direct neural pathways – this makes it habitual and all too easy to think they are stupid, weak or pathetic. Heartbreaking but true.

So when I tell them how proud I am of them for managing a tough homework task like standing up to their verbally abusive boss, or finally saying no to their boundary-disrespecting family, I am offering them what’s known as a ‘corrective emotional experience’ – something unfamiliar and the opposite of what they are used to. Because many of my clients were never praised or lifted up as children. They were attacked, shot down and invalidated, over and over again. So parts of them learned to believe these unkind, untrue messages, until those parts held beliefs that they were stupid, weak or pathetic.

For these people, my offer of love and respect has nowhere to land. It doesn’t compute in their brains. So I have to find more creative ways of offering it, perhaps titrating my level of warmth and validation so it is just enough, just the right amount and can sneak through their defences, allowing just a little warmth or the unfamiliar sense of being seen and accepted for who they are, which they so badly need but struggle to take in.

trauma makes them suspicious

People who experience a great deal of trauma in their childhoods develop protective parts of themselves which are hypervigilant, wary and mistrustful. They have good reason to be this way – caregivers hurt, abused and betrayed them, so it was highly adaptive to be mistrustful around these people. I always say that if you are growing up in a dangerous, hurtful, threatening environment, it’s a great idea to be mistrustful. Thank god for those protective parts, because they probably kept my clients as safe as they could have been, despite the verbal, emotional and sometimes physical grenades that were lobbed at them on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, these parts can also make my work tricky, because developing ‘earned secure attachment’ is a key healing ingredient in therapy. It’s also a fundamental part of the integrative trauma therapy approach I have developed, because all the research shows that the relationship between therapist and client is the most important part of any effective therapy. These protectors make connecting with my clients tricky, so a lot of patient, painstaking work is necessary to help them see that I have no intention of hurting or taking advantage of them, like their caregivers did.

The brilliant Dr Janina Fisher, a trailblazer in the trauma-therapy field, once said that if you have been profoundly hurt by those closest to you, all the things we therapists think are helpful – trust, connection, feeling either positive or negative emotions, focusing on your breath or becoming mindful of somatic symptoms – feel threatening and unsafe. So when I tell someone, ‘I know you worry that everyone finds you weird and annoying. But you seem like a really nice, kind person to me,’ those protectors scent danger and can get spiky, dismissive or shutdown in return. I’m trying to offer an – honest, heartfelt – corrective emotional experience and it makes them angry, passive-aggressive or dissociated and numb. Not ideal.

The practice: Taking in treasure

Another thing I learned from my clients is a practice I developed to help with this very problem. It’s called The Treasure Chest and you can listen to it on Insight Timer by clicking the button below. This offers a concrete strategy to help you stop pushing away praise, compliments or other good things that come your way. Because these are little pieces of treasure. A kind word or warm comment can be deeply healing, if you learn to take them in.

An accumulation of these small offerings of kindness will, in time, help those protective parts relax. And whether you are at the milder or more severe end of the trauma spectrum, learning to tell a different story about yourself is crucial. How does it serve you to tell that critical, self-denigrating narrative, over and over? Far better to make the story of you something kind, compassionate and understanding. And taking in these little pieces of treasure will help you do that, because other people – especially those who know and love you – see the real you. Flawed and messy, like all humans, but also unique and wonderful, in so many ways.

I hope the practice helps – my clients seem to love it, so I very much hope you do too.

Love,

Dan ❤️

Announcing My New Course: Healing from Childhood Trauma with IFS and Self-Compassion

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I am excited to announce the launch of my new Premium Audio Course for Insight Timer – Healing from Childhood Trauma with IFS & Self-Compassion. If you struggle with your mental health, and especially if you had a difficult childhood, I hope you will find this course calming and insightful. 

You will be guided on a healing journey with eight days of teaching and experiential exercises such as journalling, guided imagery, breathwork and meditation. The eight lessons range in length from 15-20 minutes, so are easy to fit into your busy day.

I am really proud of this course – it synthesises many of the things I am most passionate about into one short, powerful week of teaching. You will learn about child development, temperament, core developmental needs, schemas and the IFS model of internal parts, how to work with your Inner Critic, what we mean by childhood trauma and neglect – as well as how to heal from these painful experiences using powerful techniques drawn from schema therapy, compassion-focused therapy, mindful self-compassion and internal family systems.

The course is free if you become a Member Plus Supporter. This costs just $60 for 12 months of high-quality content like this on the Insight Timer app from me and thousands of other leading teachers.

Get started now by clicking on the button below. I hope you enjoy it!

Sending you love and warm thoughts ❤️

Dan

Guided Imagery: Building the Healthy Adult Mode

Image by Sharon McCutcheon

One of the key aims of schema therapy is to build your Healthy Adult part (or ‘mode’ in ST language). This is the part of you that is calm, compassionate, strong, rational and resilient. For most of us, this process is not easy – especially if you have a trauma history and so struggle to feel or access these inner resources. But it is doable, for anyone, if you get the right help and support.

That’s why my latest recording for Insight Timer is a guided imagery that will help you do just that. Just click on the button below to listen to the recording, Imagine a Happier Future – Guided Imagery.

I record these meditations, guided imagery, talks and breathing techniques for my clients and as part of my Heal Your Trauma project. They are free for anyone to listen to – with an optional donation, if you would like to support the project.

I hope you find the imagery helpful – and do feel free to try any of my other recordings on Insight Timer, which I will keep adding to over time.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try This Hardwiring Happiness Meditation to Boost Your Mood

Image by Lesly Juarez

This short practice is adapted from Rick Hanson’s wonderful book, Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm and Confidence. He reminds us that the human brain is overwhelmingly focused on protecting you from threats. Let’s think about why that might be. For millions of years, our ancestors evolved to live in the wilderness. They formed small bands of hunter-gatherers, living in caves or fortified villages surrounded by hungry, poisonous and dangerous animals, as well as other bands they mostly lived alongside peaceably, but who could attack at any moment. This was a dangerous time to be human.

So your brain evolved to live in this world – not the 21st-century world we live in now, which for most of us involves an urban existence, in peaceful democracies and with far fewer life-or-death threats than your brain evolved to deal with.

But your threat-focused brain still operates as if you were living in the forest, or out on the savannah. And this is why all human brains have an in-built negativity bias, meaning you are laser-focused on bad stuff – threats, worries, painful memories, financial difficulties, relationship troubles… You think about that a lot and pour huge amounts of mental energy into ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.

When good stuff happens, you enjoy it for a moment, then it’s gone. And you move quickly to hungrily searching for the next thing to worry about. This is not your fault – it’s just what brains do.

As Rick Hanson says, your brain is like Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good. So we need to build our mental muscles to help us pay as much attention to good stuff as we do bad.

The practice

Here’s a short, powerful, neuroscience-derived practice I use with all my clients, as it’s so helpful for correcting that negativity bias, helping you focus on and enjoy pleasant experiences and stop obsessing about unpleasant ones.

1. Start by finding a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down and closing your eyes. Take some deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth, counting four seconds in and four seconds out. Keep breathing, letting the breath be calming and nourishing for you. Let your abdomen rise and fall with each in-breath and out-breath.

2. Now think about something good that happened to you recently. This could be something from a whole spectrum of pleasant experiences, from tiny moments of joy, like eating a delicious piece of fruit, seeing pink blossom framed by blue sky, or reading a book you found deeply enjoyable; right up to powerful, profound experiences like asking someone to marry you, winning an award for your work, the birth of your first child, or someone you love deeply recovering from a scary illness.

3. Visualise that experience in as much detail as possible – really imagine that you are there and it’s happening to you in the present moment. Where are you? What do you see around you? Are you alone or with someone? How does this experience unfold – is it a conversation, phone call or email exchange? Or is it just something you see, hear, smell or taste? Focus on the sensory details of your experience as vividly as possible – the more vivid this is the better.

4. Now focus on how you are feeling during this experience. What emotions do you notice in your body? Do you feel calm, happy, joyful, excited, proud, satisfied, relieved, inspired, moved, awestruck… Or something else entirely?

5. Really focus on the visceral experience of the emotions in your body. For example, you might feel an inner warmth, or a lightness in your body, or perhaps a pleasurable upsurge of energy. Whatever you are feeling, just focus on it, enjoy it and let it soak into your body for around 60 seconds. Then take a deep breath and open your eyes.

6. So, here’s the miraculous bit – you just hard-wired that experience and the positive feelings linked to it into your brain. It only takes 10 seconds to do this, but the longer you allow for this process the better. Plus, you are simply enjoying pleasant experiences fully and completely, so the longer you do that the more enjoyable it will be for you.

7. Try to get into the habit of doing this whenever something good or enjoyable happens. If you build this practice into your daily life, over time you will start to tilt the scales of negativity and positivity in your brain. Eventually, you will find yourself ruminating and worrying less about bad stuff; and feeling calmer, happier and more content.

8. Now continue with your day, looking out for positive experiences to hardwire.

I very much hope you enjoy this practice – I have recorded it as a Hardwiring Happiness Talk and Meditation for Insight Timer. You can listen to the recording, plus my collection of meditations, breathing techniques and guided imagery using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Listen to My Guided Meditations on Insight Timer

Image by Sage Friedman

I recently joined Insight Timer as a teacher – and will be recording and uploading breathing techniques, guided imagery and meditations over the coming weeks. If you haven’t tried it yet, Insight Timer is a free meditation app – you can choose to make a donation, if you want to, but there is no obligation to do so and you can find thousands of free meditations from hundreds of teachers.

These cover every length of practice and subject you can imagine – you will also find meditations, teaching and courses from leading figures in the trauma therapy field, such as Richard Schwartz, Kristin Neff and Dan Siegel.

I have used the app myself for many years, so am excited to be joining its global community of teachers. My first practice is the Compassionate Breathing technique I teach to all of my clients, and use myself, on a daily basis. (I wrote about this in my last post, which also features a step-by-step video guide).

This is a simple but highly effective practice that you can use any time you’re feeling stressed, anxious, angry, agitated or upset. Over time, it will help regulate your nervous system – which is important, especially if you have a trauma history – and help you feel calmer, more relaxed and at peace in your daily life.

If you would like to try this, or any of my other practices, just click on the button below.

I very much hope you enjoy them.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try This Imagery Technique to Feel Calmer and More Peaceful

Image by Jailam Rashad

If you have a trauma history, you may struggle to feel calm and safe in the world. You might find that you only feel safe in your home – or that even there you often feel anxious, or a sense of dread, as if something bad is always about to happen.

Although, of course, this is horrible, it’s not unusual. In fact, if you have grown up in an environment that was not safe, or where bad things often did happen, it makes total sense to feel this way as an adult – the little boy or girl inside you still feels unsafe, even when the traumatic experiences happened many years ago.

As part of the long, slow process of helping my clients feel safer, I always include the Safe Place imagery. This simple but powerful imagery technique was developed by Paul Gilbert, the founder of compassion-focused therapy. It is often incorporated into schema therapy as it is so helpful for people struggling with anxiety or trauma-related feelings of threat, or for those struggling to feel safe, even in apparently safe environments.

I have recorded this imagery for Insight Timer (listen to that recording here), but here is a step-by-step guide you can either read and record for yourself, or get a trusted friend, family member or therapist to record for you so that you can play it whenever you need to.

Safe Place Imagery

• Start by imagining a safe place. This might be somewhere you have visited, such as a beautiful beach, forest or mountain meadow. It could also be somewhere that feels safe and comfortable for you, such as a cosy room in your house, or a place in Nature where you walk your dog. Sometimes, especially if you are a trauma survivor, you might not be able to think of anywhere that feels safe – in that case, create an imaginary place that feels as safe as possible.

• Ideally, you should be alone in your safe place, with no potentially triggering people visiting; although feel free to take pets or calm, supportive people with you. And it should be warm, as warmth is soothing and comforting for your brain. Close your eyes and ‘be there’ as vividly as possible. Explore your safe place, using all of your senses – what can you see, hear, feel, smell, taste and touch? If it’s a beach you could visualise the beautiful turquoise sea, golden sands and blue skies, hear the gulls and breeze rustling palm fronds, feel the sand between your toes… The more sensory information the better, as this convinces your brain that you are actually on that beach, or in the beautiful meadow.

• Keep reminding yourself that this is your safe place, using words like ‘calm’ and ‘peaceful’. Mindfully focus on the somatic sensations of calmness, peacefulness and safety in your body. Also, remember that this place itself takes pleasure in you being there (many trauma survivors were never cherished or shown love, so this often feels very good).

• End the imagery by reminding yourself that this place is always here for you, just waiting for you to visit. If you’re feeling stressed or anxious, you can just close your eyes and visit for a minute or two (like having a mini-holiday) before re-engaging with the world. Then let the image fade away until it’s gone, take a deep breath and open your eyes.

I hope you find this imagery helpful – and that, over time, it helps you feel a little calmer, safer and more at peace in your day-to-day life.

Warm wishes,

Dan