Book Your Place Now – Dan Roberts' Webinars and Workshops for 2023

Image by Tobias Reich

If you are interested in coming to one of my Heal Your Trauma webinars and workshops, I have just released a full calendar of events for 2023. Bookings for all events are open now, so do visit the calendar page on my Heal Your Trauma website to reserve your place now. Many of these events sell out quickly, so do book your place early to avoid missing out.

We have webinars and workshops running almost every month, on a wide range of subjects to help you with your mental health and wellbeing. My workshops are all in-person next year, as I very much enjoy being with you ‘in real life’ – these will be held either at the Gestalt Centre, in central London, or Terapia, in north London. Highlights include:

If you are unable to travel to the workshops, we have a wide range of webinars planned for you, which are hosted via Zoom. Online highlights include:

All Heal Your Trauma events offer a number of free places, for those struggling financially for any reason, as well as Low-Income Ticket and Supporter Ticket options, if you are able to support the project. Heal Your Trauma is a non-profit project, so every penny we receive, after covering expenses, goes into making sure that everyone, everywhere can access all of our content.

I am excited about our upcoming programme for 2023 – and very much look forward to meeting you at a Heal Your Trauma event soon!

Sending you love and warm wishes,

Dan

 
 

There Is No Such Thing as a Difficult Person

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Think of the person in your life that you find the most rude, annoying, insensitive or otherwise difficult. Can you see them in your mind’s eye? How do you feel as you picture them? I’m guessing some combination of irritated, frustrated, upset, hostile, vulnerable, anxious or exasperated.

Now I’m going to tell you a secret. This man or woman whom you think is so difficult, isn’t actually a difficult person. Why? Because none of us are entirely difficult, just as no-one is entirely lovable, kind, generous or compassionate.

That’s because we are all complex, multifaceted individuals, made up of an internal ‘family’ of parts. Some of these parts can indeed be difficult, but that’s not the sum total of who you are, or who that ‘difficult’ person is.

How parts work

There are many different ‘parts-based’ models of therapy, but my favourite is Internal Family Systems, developed by Dr Richard Schwartz (Dick to his friends). In this model, we are all made up of a complex, interrelated system of parts. This includes young parts who hold painful thoughts, memories, feelings and body sensations from your past (so a five-year-old part holds difficult stuff from when you were five, and so on).

You also have various protector parts, whose job it is to protect those young parts and make sure they never get hurt again. These protectors also try to keep the young ones hidden away inside, because they can hold such an intense emotional charge, which the protectors fear will overwhelm you if they come bursting out.

In IFS, it’s also thought that you have a Self, which is not a part but a rich array of inner resources like calm, compassion, clarity, confidence and more (some of the 8 Cs – Dick likes alliteration!).

So think about that ‘difficult’ person again. Got them? Right, now I want you to zoom in on the most troublesome behaviour they exhibit, whether that’s being rude, critical, dismissive, or whatever. Now label that as a part – so the Critical Part, or Angry Protector, and so on.

And now (here’s the bit that will help you manage this person better) try to understand that this protector, however rude, obnoxious or hurtful, developed at a time when that person was young, vulnerable and being hurt in some way. This protector’s job is to make sure that never happens again. Some protectors are proactive, like an Angry Protector, busily doing a job to keep them safe (being snippy or harsh, lashing out to keep potential threats at bay). Others are reactive, like a Soother part that makes them drink to numb out painful feelings as quickly as possible.

Look behind the curtain

And so, I guarantee that if you were look behind the ‘curtain’ (ie behind that protector part on the surface) you would find a young one who was hurt, scared, lonely, unloved, or some other painful thing. It’s like a dog who has been mistreated. They become very barky and aggressive, but they’re actually scared – being aggressive is the best way they know to protect themselves and make sure you can’t hurt them like they were hurt before.

This idea helps me virtually every day, as I deal with the various people in my life I find hard to manage. When they are doing whatever I find annoying, I try to see them as a scared little boy or girl. And suddenly they don’t seem so powerful. I can manage and set limits with the spiky protector part without demonising the person, thinking they are ‘horrible’ or ‘nasty’. They are just hurt and doing what they have always done to keep people at bay.

I hope you find that helpful – and if you’re interested in IFS, do come along to one of my webinars and workshops, as I and my co-presenters blend concepts and practices from IFS with other highly effective models in our teaching. We have two more planned for 2022 and one a month throughout 2023 – visit healyourtrauma.com to find out more.

Sending you love and warm wishes,

Dan

 
 

Don’t Miss Our Overcoming Addiction Workshop in London – 26th November 2022

If you struggle with addiction or compulsive behaviours, book your place on a one-day, in-person workshop co-presented by Dan Roberts, Advanced Accredited Schema Therapist, Trainer & Supervisor and Founder of Heal Your Trauma and Claire van den Bosch, UKCP-accredited Psychotherapist and an expert on treating addiction. Overcoming Addiction: Heal Your Pain and Escape the Addictive Cycle is the latest in a series of regular Heal Your Trauma webinars and workshops throughout 2022. 

This event, which will be both highly informative and experiential, will take place from 10.30am-4.30pm on Saturday 26th November 2022. It will be held at The Gestalt Centre, near King’s Cross in Central London. The Gestalt Centre is easily reached by bus, Tube or mainline rail, being a 10-minute walk from King’s Cross Station.

This event is booking up fast, so don’t miss this chance to learn from two leading trauma therapists and experts on mental health, wellbeing and addiction – watch the video for more information and book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Why Mindfulness Practices Can Be Triggering for Trauma Survivors

Image by Tobias Reich

As a long-term meditator, I am a passionate proponent of mindfulness. Building mindfulness practices into my life – as well as other forms of meditation – has had a profound impact on my mental and physical wellbeing. There is now a huge body of research to back this up – regular mindfulness practice is clearly beneficial for common psychological problems like stress, anxiety and depression, as well as a whole host of physical health benefits like lowering blood pressure and relieving gastrointestinal issues.

I have recorded a number of mindfulness practices for my Insight Timer collection and send these to clients as homework, to help them build a daily practice. Most of my clients like them, some absolutely love them and some find it hard to incorporate a daily practice into their busy lives, which is of course fine.

But what happens if you find standard practices like mindfulness of breath, or the body scan, not just hard to embrace but actually harmful? For a small minority of people who try mindfulness practices, with a therapist or meditation teacher, on retreat, or using an app like Calm or Insight Timer, the standard form of practice is highly triggering.

Why trauma makes mindfulness challenging

Why is this? Well, most of these people will probably have a trauma history. If you experienced trauma, either complex trauma in your childhood, or a single traumatic event like a car crash or assault, your nervous system may be ‘dysregulated’, meaning you are either prone to hyperarousal (high-energy states like stress, anxiety, panic, agitation or anger) or hypoarousal (low-energy states like dissociation/detachment, sadness, shame or depression).

In more simple terms, this may mean that when you sit and focus on your breath, say, you feel uncomfortably short of breath and panicky. That’s because your body is sitting calmly on your cushion, as instructed, but the threat system in your brain is yelling Run! So now you’re stuck there, trying to be all calm and serene, as you think you should be (especially if you have mainlined all those Instagram posts of beautiful women sitting in perfect Lotus positions, with peaceful, radiant expressions), when your whole body is fizzing with nervous energy and you want to get the hell out of there asap.

Trauma-sensitive mindfulness

This is why Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness was developed. And this approach, which either adapts standard practices to make them more helpful and accessible for folks with a trauma history, or offers brand-new practices, is incredibly helpful. Because mindfulness is a key skill for everyone to learn, especially if you have a trauma history. So please don’t abandon or avoid mindfulness and meditation just because you had a bad experience.

In my next Heal Your Trauma webinar, on Saturday 12th November, I will explain why Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness is such a helpful approach for trauma survivors – and guide you through a number of practices. Do come along if you’re interested – as with all my Heal Your Trauma events, this will be donation-based, making it affordable and available for everyone, everywhere.

You can book your place now using the button below – I hope to see you there, or at another of my webinars and workshops, very soon.

Sending you love and warm wishes,

Dan

 

Come to My Overcoming Addiction Workshop in London on 26th November 2022

 

What is Internal Family Systems Therapy?

Image by Aaron Burden

If you live in Therapy World, like me, you will definitely have heard of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. It’s ridiculously popular right now – every IFS training is sold out and finding an IFS therapist or supervisor with any space is borderline impossible. IFS is definitely having a moment.

But when I speak to people who live in the Real World, many of them have never heard of IFS. Which is a little baffling for those of us who live, eat and breathe therapy. I guess one reason for that is that it’s a model imported from the US (as many of our best models are). And it’s taking some time, especially in the UK, for it to hit the mainstream in the way that, say, CBT has.

If you have heard about IFS, that’s wonderful. But if you haven’t, it’s definitely time you did. Here’s why…

So what is IFS?

Internal Family Systems therapy was developed by Dr Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. Dr Schwartz (or Dick, as he likes to be called) was a family therapist, who was frustrated with his model and started listening closely to what his clients were telling him. They would talk about ‘parts’ of themselves who often had clear voices, wanted different things for the client, had conflicting ideas about what they should do, and so on.

Dick started working with one of these parts, which was making one of his clients self-harm. Unable to stop the self-harming, Dick started working collaboratively with this part, listened to and understood its concerns and function for the client – and IFS therapy was born.

He came to understand that we all have parts of us, whether we experienced a ‘normal’, happy childhood or severe trauma. It’s just the way that your brain constructs ‘you’. But if you did experience childhood trauma, you will have young parts inside holding those traumatic memories, feelings and experiences. You will also have other parts, who are protectors, using various means to protect the young ones from being hurt again.

And the Self?

But although all of these parts live in your mind, brain and body, there is another you – what Dick says is ‘who you really are, deep down’. And this is your Self, which is not a part, but a deep, rich array of resources that live within us all, whether we can access them or not. Some of these qualities are embodied in the 8 Cs:

  • Calm

  • Compassion

  • Clarity

  • Connectedness

  • Courage

  • Creativity

  • Confidence

  • Curiosity

Again, all of these wonderful qualities are inside you, right now. You don’t have to learn them, or grow them, or find them somewhere out there in the world. Instead, you just need to access them. Of course, that can be hard, especially when your young parts are triggered and you’re riding big waves of emotions like stress, anxiety, sadness or fear; or your protector parts are up and you’re being avoidant, or compulsively drinking/shopping/thinking about stuff. (This happens to me on a daily basis, it’s just what minds do/how parts get triggered by our experiences in the world. Nothing to be ashamed of our feel bad about, it’s just how all humans work).

Self like the sun

But I want you to hold on to this idea. However bad things have been for you, however much you are struggling right now, there is something in you that can respond to your suffering with love and compassion. Which can help you heal. Which is like the sun, bursting out from even the darkest clouds. The sun never vanishes, right? Even if we can’t see it, we know it’s still there behind the clouds, with all of its life-giving energy and power. So it is with the Self.

I will be teaching a great deal more about the IFS model on my upcoming Heal Your Trauma webinars and workshops this year and next – but especially my Overcoming Addiction workshop, which I am co-presenting with my dear friend and colleague Claire van den Bosch. Like me, Claire is trained in and passionate about IFS, so we will be weaving IFS concepts in with those from schema therapy, EMDR and other rich, wise therapy models.

I hope to see you there – or on another Heal Your Trauma event soon.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

 
 

How Can Trauma-Focused CBT Help You Overcome Trauma Symptoms?

PTSD is estimated to affect one in three people after a traumatic event. If you are struggling with trauma symptoms it can be useful to begin considering your support options. There are many different therapies available to support trauma and one of those is Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or TF-CBT for short, but what is this type of therapy, and what does it involve? 

Psychologists Ehlers and Clark (2000), in their Cognitive Model of PTSD, propose that there are certain factors that keep the vicious cycle of trauma going, and these factors essentially prevent the trauma memory/memories from being processed. These factors include:

  1. Poorly elaborated memory of the trauma and that the memory has not been contextualised (the memory does not equal the situation within which it existed or happened).

  2. Excessive negative beliefs and meanings attached to the trauma memory.

  3. Behavioural and cognitive strategies. Cognitive strategies include pushing thoughts away (suppression) and dwelling on events (rumination). Behavioural strategies may include withdrawing socially, avoiding internal and external reminders of the event/s, little or no engagement in previous hobbies or interests, use of drugs and alcohol. There can be many more strategies people may use, we recognise every individual has different coping strategies to try to minimise or eliminate their suffering.

Goals in Trauma-Focused CBT

Therefore together our goals in TF-CBT are to:

  1. Reduce flashbacks and nightmares by opening up the memory and being able to discriminate with reminders of the trauma what is then (at the time of the trauma) and what is now (in the present moment). We may recall the memory spoken out loud or by use of writing in session using the present tense. Some people may revisit the site of trauma in this part of the work to aid adding context to the trauma memory.

  2. Modify excessive negative beliefs of the trauma, changing perspectives to create new more helpful beliefs. For example ‘it was my fault X happened’ becomes ‘it was not my fault X happened’ we may develop a more compassionate response towards the self. In therapy we may do this through careful and gentle questioning to explore different perspectives. We then incorporate the more helpful belief into the trauma memory.

  3. Remove unhelpful behavioural and cognitive strategies that maintain intrusions and the current sense of threat and danger. We may do this in therapy by exploring the advantages and disadvantages of each strategy both in the short and long term.

As we come towards the end of treatment we often hear people we support reporting a reduction or ceasing of intrusions, a decreased sense of danger in the present moment and an improvement in mood as the person begins regaining and rebuilding their life after after the traumatic event/s.

Please see the video below if you would like to learn more about the different stages of the therapeutic journey when we work with trauma using TF-CBT. 

Emma McDonald, CBT & EMDR Therapist

•If you are looking for a Trauma Focused-CBT specialist we have a team of therapists who can offer this support face to face or online – further information can be found on our website www.thepsychotherapyclinic.co.uk

 
 

A Compassionate Approach to Overcoming Addiction

When Dan and I decided to run a workshop together on Overcoming Addiction I felt extremely excited! Dan has become one of my most respected colleagues and a dear friend – and I'd collaborate with him on a workshop about tractors if he asked me to.

But this topic is also one I'm passionate about – and understanding addictive processes and supporting other so-called addicts like me on their healing journey is probably my life's deepest purpose, at least when I'm not on my motorbike.

I've been professionally upfront about my status as a recovering addict for around 10 years, because I was ‘raised’ in 12-Step recovery where we support one another through sharing our own experience, strength and hope so others can identify and begin to be freed from isolation and shame, which are often such painful aspects of living with addictive struggles.   

The times have changed so much when it comes to common perceptions of addiction, but not as much as I would wish. I still meet people who see addicts as lacking willpower and being weak including, very often, the person with the addictive struggle themselves. Being able to understand some of the basic brain science of powerlessness and behavioural conditioning that puts so many behaviours out of the reach of conscious control is essential if we're going to have a chance of changing our patterns. 

Childhood distress and addiction

So is being able to understand the role of childhood distress. The distress can be dramatic, obvious experiences that are the easiest for us to label as ‘trauma’ – and also the quiet, understated and lonely experiences of lack. We lack the kinds of good-enough caretaking that is required by the human organism (and many other mammals) for the development of a well-regulated nervous system and the acquisition of adaptive behavioural strategies for navigating the minefield of life. 

Understanding the role of trauma in the development of addiction isn't a blame-focused witch-hunt. Nine times out of 10 our caregivers were doing the best they could with their own struggling nervous systems, their own lack of resources and their inherited beliefs about parenting. Cultivating a victim-mindset is no more productive in our desire to heal than maintaining a stance of misguided self-shaming. 

But understanding the damage sustained by our still-tender nervous systems and psyches can facilitate the opening of our hearts to ourselves, including all the ways we’ve learned to cope, and from there can arise the feelings of empowerment to take responsibility for our recovery in ways that really work. 

And we are learning more and more about the ways that really work. The power of psychological approaches like Schema Therapy, Internal Family Systems work, Compassion-Focused Mindfulness, and theoretical frameworks like the framework of Core Developmental Needs, is becoming available to more and more struggling humans than ever before, as we strive to find ways of living in our amazing and challenging world with integrity, respect, joy, purpose and a growing sense of peace. 

Healing for everyone, everywhere

One of the reasons I love Dan and his work so much is that he believes in doing what he can to make healing available to as many people as possible, regardless of their financial means and especially when one-to-one, trauma-informed therapy may be inaccessible. I believe in this vision. I also believe, and I know Dan does too, in the power of connection and community.

Being able to create a day-long workshop for a group of humans all struggling in similar ways, where they can experience the power of a group, as well as the benefits of well-trained and experienced professionals – that really, really lights me up. 

If you struggle with addiction or compulsive behaviours, we'd both love to welcome you to our one-day workshop which we're designing to be both highly informative and experiential. It will take place from 10.30am-4.30pm on Saturday 26th November 2022 at the Gestalt Centre, near King’s Cross in Central London. In keeping with the Heal Your Trauma vision, the workshop will have a limited number of places available for free, if you are struggling financially for any reason.

Otherwise, you can choose the Donation Ticket option to support the Heal Your Trauma project. All donations we receive, after covering expenses, go to support the project and make sure that all of our content is available to everyone, everywhere. You can find the booking page here.

May you be well, and may you be free of suffering and the causes of that suffering.

Love,

Claire

•Claire van den Bosch is a UKCP-accredited psychotherapist and an expert on healing trauma and addiction. Find out more about Claire at atimetoheal.london

How Does Mindfulness Help You Heal From Trauma?

Image by Stefan Widua

If you are interested in personal growth (which, as you’re reading this, I’m guessing you are), you will know that mindfulness is a helpful skill to learn. In fact, it can feel a little overwhelming at times, as mindfulness is touted as a sort of miracle cure by the media for problems including ADHD, depression, anxiety, chronic stress, eating disorders, substance abuse, chronic pain, insomnia and many more. Of course, it’s not a miracle cure but, happily, many of these claims are backed up by extensive research (psychologists have been researching mindfulness as a health-promoting practice for around 50 years).

So, mindfulness practice is clearly helpful for many of the common mental-health and some of the physical-health problems we all struggle with. And, as I often say in these posts, this is not new information for billions of people around the world – Buddhists have been practising mindfulness for 2,500 years; and devotees of yoga have been using similar techniques for even longer, so they probably greet the Mindfulness is Today’s Hot New Health Hack-type headlines with a wry smile.

Mindfulness is key for trauma recovery

One area of particular interest to me is the importance of mindfulness in healing from trauma. I specialise in treating complex trauma, so I am always looking for knowledge and skills that will help me help my clients. If you have a trauma history (and many of us do, whether we know it or not), here are three ways that mindfulness will help you heal:

  1. The power of ‘noticing’. Until you know what the problem is, you can’t possibly solve it. So we need to learn how to notice all sorts of things in real time. For example, if you want to work with your inner critic, you have to notice that you’re being self-critical and say, ‘Oh, there’s my Critic again!’ Otherwise it’s just a constant flow of harsh, negative and self-demeaning comments passing through your mind (and triggering challenging emotional states like anxiety, stress, depression, low confidence or self-esteem).

    How do we notice? With mindfulness, which allows us to take a step back and adopt an ‘observer’ position, so we see our thoughts arising, rather than being swept away by them/believing them to be The Truth.

  2. Mindfulness is vital for emotional regulation. One of the biggest difficulties for trauma survivors is the overwhelming power of their emotions. There are many reasons for this, but simply put most of my clients struggle with intense waves of emotions like anger, fear, sadness or shame. This makes day-to-day life a real struggle – and can lead to using substances like comfort foods, alcohol or prescription/recreational drugs to numb out emotions that feel too big to handle.

    Mindfulness helps with this problem in a number of ways. First, research shows that just noticing (see above) and naming emotions helps reduce their intensity. So thinking, ‘Oh, I’m feeling really anxious right now’ can help you feel less anxious. This is especially helpful when some emotions, like panic, seem to come out of the blue. (They never do – there is always a trigger, which again requires noticing to start learning which things trigger you and why.)

    Second, using simple mindfulness practices like breathing into the part of your body where you feel tight or tense (because that’s how the emotion is showing up, somatically) can help soften and relax that part of your body, which in turn calms the uncomfortable emotion.

    Third, mindfulness practice helps strengthen synaptic connections in the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the part of the brain (just behind your forehead) you need to regulate the more emotional, reactive parts of the brain, like the limbic system. Which leads to…

  3. Mindfulness practice helps us find peace, calm and equanimity. Like all skills, mindfulness takes effort, practice and dedication to learn. That’s why it’s called a yoga practice or meditation practice. Doing it once won’t make much difference. But meditating every day, for long stretches of time, will help in many ways. As a long-time meditator, I can confirm that I am so much calmer, more peaceful and balanced than I used to be. It has helped me develop what Buddhists call ‘equanimity’, which essentially means balance. So if something triggers or knocks me, it’s easier to come back to a calm, centered presence.

    This is partly because I have strengthened the neural architecture of my PFC, so have more access to resources that help me feel calm, as well as soothing and reassuring anxious/stressed/upset parts of my brain. In less jargon-y terms, regular meditation helps you feel a little happier, a little stronger, a little more able to cope with life’s many challenges. And that has to be a good thing, whether you have a trauma history or not, right?

–If you would like to know more about how mindfulness could help you heal your trauma, come along to my next webinar: Not Just Mindfulness, But Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness. It takes place on Saturday 12th November 2022 from 3-4.30pm. Places are either free, if you are struggling financially, or payable by donation if you can support my Heal Your Trauma project (after covering expenses, all donations go towards running the project and making trauma-informed help available to everyone, everywhere).

Book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

What is Enlightenment? And Could You Ever Achieve it?

Image by Brennan Martinez

I just finished a brilliant book – Waking Up: Searching for Spirituality Without Religion, by Sam Harris. If you’re interested in spiritual growth, personal development, mindfulness, Buddhism, or just want to expand your mind and improve your mental health, I strongly recommend it. And it’s got me thinking a lot about enlightenment. Is it even a thing? And if so, is it accessible to the likes of you and me, or just to shaven-headed folk who sit for 18 hours a day in some lofty monastery in the Himalayas?

To answer the first question: yes, I am convinced that enlightenment is real. Here are a couple of definitions from Matthieu Ricard – a Buddhist monk and all-round wonderful (and enlightened) human being: ‘Enlightenment is a state of perfect knowledge or wisdom, combined with infinite compassion,’ which sounds a bit daunting, right? I’m not sure I will ever achieve that level of perfection, however hard I try!

But his second explanation sounds much more achievable: ‘Enlightenment is an understanding of both the relative mode of existence (the way in which things appear to us) and the ultimate mode of existence (the true nature of these same appearances). This includes our own minds as well as the external world.’

Put more simply, in Buddhism enlightenment is often defined as waking up. Over 2,500 years ago, the Buddha taught that we are all walking around in a dream, with at best a fuzzy sense of reality. For example, I often write in these posts about feeling defective or not good enough. Why do so many of us feel that way? Because we are trapped in a (bad) dream, in which we are somehow less than other people, incompetent, dislikable, or whatever negative, self-critical story we have been telling ourselves since we were children.

So, as Matthieu Ricard explains, becoming enlightened means waking up and understanding how things really are – both in the world and our own minds.

The path to enlightenment

Still sound daunting? OK, try thinking about it like this. I once heard another Buddhist teacher explain it beautifully. He said that we may never reach that state of ‘perfect knowledge or wisdom’, but we can all step on to the path leading in that direction. And the path is right there beside you. All you have to do is step on to it (try it now, if you like – it’s right there!).

How do we step on to this path? Well, reading books like the one above, or anything explaining Buddhism, meditation, mindfulness or how to generate positive mental states such as metta, equanimity or compassion. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s books are all wonderful, as are those by Sharon Salzberg, Kristin Neff and Rick Hanson.

Developing a yoga or meditation practice (or preferably both) are also fairly simple and doable ways to step on to that path. Working with a skilled therapist, who can help you tell yourself a kinder, more compassionate story about your life, will also get you moving in a helpful direction.

And attending webinars and workshops, like my Heal Your Trauma events, or those of any other teacher who makes your brain light up and heart feel warm – Dr Gabor Maté is one of the most brilliant teachers we have, so do check out his books and events.

If you need some help with developing a meditation practice, check out my large collection of guided meditations on Insight Timer – they are all free, with optional donation. And there are thousands of other wonderful teachers on the app, so feel free to explore them too.

Again, enlightenment sounds like a big, scary, impossible word – but it really just means waking up. Seeing things more clearly. Treating yourself and all other living beings with kindness and compassion. Understanding that everything changes, so it’s unhelpful to try and grasp on to it, or try to be rigidly in control. Knowing that this life is probably the only one we have, so it’s infinitely miraculous and precious. Don’t waste it berating yourself for things you never did, or faults you don’t possess.

Let me leave you with a little mantra for the day, to help generate some self-warmth and self-compassion. Try it often throughout the day, silently repeating each phrase on the in-breath:

May I be safe

May I be well

May I be free from suffering

Sending you love, metta and warm thoughts, wherever you are in the world,

Dan

 

If You're Struggling, Remember That This Too Shall Pass

How are you doing, right now? I hope you’re OK and that the day is going easy on you. But, as you are human, you may be having a tough time, struggling with some kind of pain or anguish. And if that’s the case, let me start by sending you some love and warmth and I hope you feel better soon.

If you are struggling, one of the hardest things might be the feeling that it will never get better. I think this is especially true of depression (because everything seems very negative and hopeless when we’re depressed), but can be the case with any kind of suffering, mental or physical.

This thought came to me this morning, after an early trip to see my osteopath – a kind and brilliant man called George. Since he has been treating me, I have had two acutely painful episodes: one a nasty back flareup and the other a decidedly-not-fun rib injury, which I am currently overcoming.

And I realised today that I had fallen into the trap of thinking/feeling the ribs would never get better, despite all of George’s sterling work and my daily rehab/exercise programme – I have had this problem for over a month now. But, you know what, after my treatment it is feeling better today. I think, finally, we are on an upward trajectory and I can see the end in sight. No more sore ribs, which will be blissful (rib injuries are not great, let me tell you! Laughing hurts. Sleeping hurts. Coughing hurts. Breathing hurts).

This too shall pass

My (hopefully) healing ribs reminded me of that somewhat over-used but still brilliant piece of wisdom, ‘This too shall pass’. A quick Google tells me that this stems from a fable written by Persian Sufi poets, but whoever said it first, they captured something vital for us all – as I am always saying to my clients and when teaching Heal Your Trauma events, no matter what you went through, however bad it was, it’s never too much and never too late to heal.

This applies as much to backs and ribs as it does traumatic experiences in childhood, episodes of acute panic and anxiety, depression, or whatever you might be struggling with right now. It may not seem like it, but it will pass. You will get better. The anxiety will ease, your mood will lift, your ribs will stop hurting.

And you may need help from your very own George (everybody needs a George, I think), from me or another therapist, from wise writers and teachers, yoga instructors, mentors, friends, partners and loving family members. But whatever you are struggling with right now, remember: this too shall pass.

Sending you love and warm, healing thoughts,

Dan

 
 

Struggling with Your Mental Health? Try Changing One Thing Today

Image by Taylor R

If you’re having a tough time right now, you might try a whole host of things to help you feel better. And in many ways, that’s great – I am all for working hard to make a positive change in your life. But something I often see with my clients and those I teach is that they are trying too many things, all at the same time.

So, in addition to our therapy, they are practising yoga and one or more forms of meditation, reading three different self-help books at the same time, microdosing psychedelics, having couples therapy and life coaching, intermittent fasting, giving up gluten/dairy/sugar, wild swimming/Wim Hof-ing, cleansing their chakras and trying, shall we say, many other less-reputable forms of healing…

Sound familiar?

Now, I am not casting aspersions on any of this stuff (apart from the chakra cleansing – sorry, that’s a step too far for me). I am 100% passionate about healing, growth and change, both yours and mine. I spend almost every waking moment thinking about, studying and practising this stuff. And I support you trying all sorts of healing – from mainstream, evidence-based therapies like schema therapy CBT, EMDR or internal family systems and Eastern traditions such as yoga, Buddhism and various schools of meditation.

My general rule is, if it doesn’t do you any harm – and you’re not using it instead of a more reputable/effective treatment – be open-minded and give it a try. Why not?

The 10,000 kicks rule

But it can be a real problem when people try too many things at once, then give up because they’re not working or just find them a bit ineffective, so get discouraged and disheartened. Let me tell you a story, which comes from my former life as a health journalist and speaks to this problem.

Men’s Fitness magazine sent me off to a branch of the world-famous Shaolin Temple, in Tufnell Park, of all places! This really is a branch of the actual Shaolin Temple, in north London, which blew my mind from the outset. (Here’s the website, if you don’t believe me: shaolintempleuk.org).

I went to interview a tiny but terrifying Shaolin monk, who taught me all sorts of kung-fu magic, which was great fun. But he also told me something, which has always stayed with me. He said, ‘It’s better to practice one kick 10,000 times than 10,000 kicks once.’

Let that sink in for a moment…

I often tell my clients this story, especially when I feel they are trying to pack in too many personal-growth strategies at once, or want to learn lots of new breathing techniques, etc every session. It’s much better for me to teach them one thing, like 4-7-8 Breathing, say, then get them to practice that every day until we next meet.

What can you change today?

If you’re struggling right now, feeling depressed, upset, lonely, anxious, hurt or overwhelmed, first of all I’m sorry. No-one likes to feel those things. As well as reading this blog, let’s thing about one thing you can change today that might help. Here’s a list of helpful things you could try – please read it and choose only one:

  • Start practising yoga (Yoga with Adriene is free on YouTube and a great place to begin)

  • Establish a daily meditation practice. You can check out my ever-expanding Insight Timer collection, or find one of the many thousands of teachers on Insight Timer who resonates with you (if it helps, some of my favourite teachers are: Sharon Salzberg, Tara Brach, Richard Schwartz, Kristin Neff, Chris Germer, Elisha Goldstein, Vidyamala Burch and Melli O’Brien)

  • Visit a Buddhist Centre near you – if you live in London, I recommend Triratna Buddhist centres like this one. You might bump into me there! That’s a great way to learn all about Buddhism, as well as mindfulness, metta and other forms of meditation from serious, long-term practitioners

  • Start exercising – jogging, swimming, cycling, going to the gym, dancing… Whatever you enjoy and will be able to commit to long-term

  • Begin therapy – if you have a trauma history, make sure you find a trauma-informed therapist like me. There are so many great therapy models, but I suggest schema therapy, CBT, EMDR, IFS, compassion-focused therapy and TIST as good places to start

  • Try wild swimming – there is a large and ever-growing evidence base on its benefits for mind and body. Cold water is best, if you can bear it!

I could go on, but that’s enough to get you going. Remember, your challenge is to try one and one only this week. Dedicate enough time and energy to whatever you choose to see if it’s helping (of course, some of these things will take more than seven days to make a difference, but that’s a good place to start).

I hope that’s helpful for you. Sending you love and strength on your healing journey.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Why All My Webinars & Workshops Are Affordable for Everyone

Image by Lina Trochez

I have decided to make all of my Heal Your Trauma events affordable for everyone. I am currently offering a range of webinars (via Zoom) and workshops (a mixture of in-person and online) – here are all of the events planned for 2022.

Why the change? Well, a couple of important reasons. Ever since I set up Heal Your Trauma, I have been wrestling with how to charge enough for the events to cover costs, but still make them accessible to as many people as possible. This is a labour of love for me, because I am passionate about helping as many people as possible to heal from their trauma and subsequent mental-health problems. After trying a number of different pricing models, I had one of those lightbulb moments last week – I realised that this was the best way to make sure that I can realise the project’s core value: Offering affordable help for anyone who is struggling with their mental health.

I am also deeply moved and concerned by the current cost-of-living crisis in the UK, throughout Europe and across the globe, where so many people are struggling with the impact of war, hunger and the climate crisis. In my country, the UK, millions of people will struggle to pay their heating bills this year, so even modest prices for mental-health support will be out of reach for many. So this is the second reason for the change – everyone can now access high-quality, evidence-based teaching, help and support.

The Buddhist concept of Dana

I have also changed the booking system for my events, so if you click on the Book Now button below you will be whisked off to the Eventbrite platform and offered three options for booking your place, either completely free, a Reduced-Fee Ticket or Supporter Ticket. If you are able to pay for your place, I would gently encourage you to do so. There are a number of expenses involved in running these events and the Heal Your Trauma project generally, so any donation you can make, however small, will help me cover those expenses.

It may also be helpful to understand the Buddhist concept of Dana – a Pali word (the language of the Buddha) which means, roughly, generosity or the voluntary giving of materials, energy, or wisdom to others. Dana works two ways – one, it is part of my commitment to Buddhist values (I try, with varying degrees of success, to live my life according to these ‘precepts’) in offering these events to most participants for free.

And second, if you are able to contribute in any way, you are making the same commitment. Your donation allows those who cannot afford it to attend the many Heal Your Trauma events I have planned, for this year and the next.

The new pricing system will start with my next Zoom webinar: Overcoming Depression: How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Calmer, Happier & More Hopeful, which takes place on Saturday 15th October 2022.

You can book your place now, using the button below – I hope to see you there.

Sending warm wishes – especially to those who are struggling right now, for any reason,

Dan

 

Come to My Overcoming Depression Webinar in October

Image by Patrick

If you struggle with depression, or care about someone who does, book your place on my next Zoom webinar – Overcoming Depression: How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Calmer, Happier & More Hopeful.

This webinar, which is both highly informative and experiential, is free to attend if you’re on a low income – or please do choose the donation option if you are able to support the Heal Your Trauma project. It will be held on Saturday 15th October 2022, from 3pm-4.30pm.

Overcoming Depression – How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Calmer, Happier & More Hopeful features 90 minutes of teaching, powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, and a 15-minute Q&A with me, Dan Roberts, a leading expert on trauma, mental health and depression.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

  • What causes depression – and why it’s more helpful to think about ‘depressions’, because there are many possible reasons to get depressed

  • The key role of core developmental needs – and why, if these were not met for you as a child, you will be vulnerable to depression as an adult

  • Why research shows that self-compassion is a key part of the healing process for depression – I will teach you some key self-compassion skills in this webinar

  • And, during a 15-minute Q&A, attendees can put their questions to me, Dan Roberts, Founder of Heal Your Trauma and an expert on trauma, mental health and depression

Watch the video for more information and book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 
 

How Do We Heal From Childhood Trauma?

Image by Melissa Askew

If you experienced trauma as a child, you may feel (understandably) hopeless about your chances of recovering as an adult. Trauma can have such a profound effect on you, especially when you are young, that it leaves you vulnerable to a wide range of problems throughout your life. These include psychological problems like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem or hypersensitivity to stress. You may also struggle with emotional regulation, so you are constantly riding waves of distress and discomfort, then find it hard to calm yourself down.

Other common trauma-related difficulties include substance abuse and other addictions, eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia, as well as problems forming long-term relationships and a lack of confidence socially and at work. You may also struggle with detachment and dissociation – coping mechanisms in your brain that cut you off from your emotions and can make you feel empty, numb, spacey or disconnected from yourself and other people.

This is just an abbreviated list of all the problems that can result from childhood trauma. If any of this resonates with you, I am so sorry. No child deserves to be hurt or neglected. And no adult deserves to carry these wounds, struggling through life as best they can, but feeling battered and bruised inside.

It’s never too much and never too late to heal

Even though the word ‘trauma’ has now entered many of our vocabularies, I don’t think it’s widely understood just how common trauma is around the world. There are varying estimates of how many people have experienced trauma, but a general population survey conducted in 24 countries in 2016 showed that more than 70 per cent of respondents experienced a traumatic event, and 30.5 per cent had experienced four or more events. This is shocking – but to a therapist like me, who specialises in complex trauma, not at all surprising.

I hope that helps you see how widespread trauma is – and helps you understand that you are not alone. This knowledge can be very helpful, as trauma survivors often feel isolated and different from everyone around them. But this research tells us that you are no different from 70 per cent of the people you will meet as you move through your life. Your experiences make you human, not weird or different in any way.

Another crucial thing that I always explain to my clients is that it’s never too much and never too late to heal. Meaning: whatever happened to you, however bad it was, you can be helped. And whatever age you are, it’s never too late to seek therapy (I have treated people in their seventies, with life-changing results).

How does trauma healing work?

I know this may be hard for you to believe. And that’s OK – I don’t expect you to read these words and have a Shazam! moment, where suddenly all becomes clear. That’s why my Heal Your Trauma project contains so many different kinds of resources, from blog posts like this one to guided meditations/imagery and breathing techniques, webinars and workshops, and much more. Bit by bit, step by step, I’m trying to plant helpful thought seeds in your mind that will flourish and grow into powerful ideas, beliefs and understanding of how to heal and change.

One last thing – let me explain what healing actually means in this context. And to do that, let’s imagine you went skiing (hard to imagine right now, I know, but it will get cold again!). And you had a great time up to the moment you took a tumble, landed awkwardly and broke a bone in your shin.

You would be whisked off to a local hospital, where doctors would make sure the bone was straight, then protect it with a cast, give you some crutches and wish you luck. You would then hobble homewards, with some tricky moments, but eventually get back and collapse on your sofa – where you would stay, with various toilet/meal breaks, for some weeks.

And then, gloriously, one day your leg would be healed, you would have the cast removed and have physio, until you were able to walk again. But – and here’s the key point – none of the things I have described here would have actually healed the bone in your leg. They would have been vital, but merely helpful aids to the real healing, which would have occurred inside your body.

Natural healing processes

That’s because your body has innumerable, miraculous healing processes that happen, every second of your life, mostly outside your awareness. These healing processes would have repaired your tibia, knitting the bone together so that it would be stronger then it was before you broke it.

And exactly the same healing processes occur in your mind, brain, nervous and hormonal systems when you recover from trauma. All you need to enable this to happen is the right help, support and guidance from someone like me – a trauma-informed therapist who knows about these magical-but-everyday healing processes and how best to facilitate them. It’s neither easy, nor quick. It’s a slow, steady process that requires a great deal of hard work, on your part and mine.

But it is doable. I promise you that if you find a skilled, trauma-informed therapist, come along to my webinars and workshops (and find others that resonate with you), read these blog posts and self-help books by my colleagues in the mental-health field, meditate, exercise and do all the other things that we know to be helpful and healing, you will get better.

And I will be here with you, every step of the way, as you embark on your healing journey.

Sending you love, strength and hope, wherever you are and whatever hand life has dealt you,

Dan

 
 

How to Manage Your Emotions in the Heat

Image by Clark Douglas

As I write this, I am sitting in my office in north London, struggling with the heat. It’s like an oven in here! The temperature is due to hit 33C in London today, which is crazy. Saturday will be 36C. These temperatures are not normal for a Northern European country with a temperate, maritime climate. But with climate change starting to hit us hard, sadly this is the new normal, so we all need to find ways to adapt to it.

As well as all the sweaty discomfort – especially in a country that is not geared up for hot weather – I have noticed my emotions being all over the place on these hot days. As my poor, patient wife will attest, I am definitely more irritable. I normally have a very long fuse and almost never raise my voice in anger. Most people who meet me describe me as a very calm person. But I’m not calm when it’s 33C outside!

And in many ways, this is not my fault. The human body is designed to exist in a narrow range of temperature, known as homeostasis. I just Googled a definition, which is: ‘A self-regulating process by which biological systems maintain stability while adjusting to changing external conditions’.

Translated into English, this means that we, like other animals, struggle when temperatures go above or below a fairly narrow range. We sweat. We mop our brows. We crave ice cream. And as we struggle to regulate our bodily temperature, we also struggle to regulate our emotions.

Heat makes us angry

Ever wondered why riots always happen in summer? It’s because everybody’s too damn hot. It’s also why domestic violence, air/trolley/road rage all spike on hot days and why everyone seems so impatient and irritable in London right now. Heat makes us angry, it’s that simple.

If you are struggling with your temper at the moment, start by naming what you are feeling, with as much specificity as possible. So for low-level anger you might be irritable, frustrated, annoyed, impatient or tetchy. Moving up the anger scale we hit angry, hostile or outraged. And when we hit the top of that scale we are into rage, fury, wrath and aggression.

It’s helpful to name your emotions like this, because research has shown that just doing that can help calm and reduce them.

Anger-management: some pro tips

Did you know that standard anger-management techniques often suggest cooling down physically, even on mild days? I use techniques drawn from dialectical-behaviour therapy (DBT) with my clients, because DBT is superb for emotional-regulation strategies. If you are losing your cool at the moment, here are some pro tips to help you calm down, quickly:

  • If you’re getting into a heated discussion with your partner, family member or colleague, say to them, ‘I’m getting annoyed with you, and don’t want to say something I will regret, so need to take a moment to calm down.’ Leave the room. You can’t calm down if someone is still there, niggling at you. Try to cool your body down, even a little: splash cold water on your face and neck; take off any extra layers of clothing; press your face and forearms against an outside wall, which will be cool even on a hot day

  • Do some deep breathing, to calm and soothe your overheated/dysregulated nervous system. I have recorded three different breathing techniques for Insight Timer, but you could try my 4-7-8 Breathing Technique first, which is incredibly effective

  • Finally, here’s a weird-but-effective one: try going floppy. When we get angry we are in fight mode (the angry response in fight-flight-freeze). That means our muscles get tense and we focus on/move towards the threat, ready to fight. Do the opposite of that. Sit in a chair and let all your limbs, head and neck be floppy. Dangle over the arms of the chair. Be like a relaxed, sleepy cat

  • Now try to be angry. Impossible, isn’t it? That’s because your brain has picked up on your body posture and thinks, ‘Oh, that’s fine then. We’re calm and safe. No need to fight right now.’

  • When you feel cooler and calmer, rejoin the discussion, trying to listen, not interrupt, and be as assertive (not aggressive) as possible. You will probably find that the discussion goes a whole lot better than it would have done if you hadn’t calmed down first

I very much hope those techniques help. Wishing you a calm and peaceful day, wherever you are in the world right now.

Cool wishes,

Dan

 

Overcoming Depression: How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Happier

Image by Sankalp Suradkar

Depression can feel absolutely awful. When you’re really down, you might feel exhausted, as if the smallest task is utterly daunting. Your thoughts will probably be incredibly negative and laser-focused on everything that is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ about you. You might feel either agitated or empty and frozen inside. You may sleep all the time or very badly, eat too much or hardly at all.

The way depression affects us varies widely from person to person. That’s why Paul Gilbert, one of my heroes in the therapy field and founder of compassion-focused therapy, says it’s better to think of ‘depressions’, as there are so many causes and manifestations of this incredibly common mood disorder. But whatever the cause and however it affects you, depression can be grim.

I know this from personal experience. After my father died, suddenly and traumatically when I was 24, I struggled with depression for many years. As well as losing him, which in itself turned my world upside down, that single traumatic event unlocked all the pain and hurt of my life up until then. I spent years in therapy, trying different therapists and approaches, none of which (I now know, with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight), were that effective or helpful.

Like many people struggling with mental-health problems, I self-medicated with alcohol and other substances. Again, I now understand that these substances were mostly doing two things: first, numbing the pain; and second, giving me a much-needed hit of distraction and dopamine, so I felt happy and good for a few hours. Sadly, those short-term bursts of excitement were followed by even worse bouts of depression, as well as self-loathing and profound disappointment in myself for doing it again.

Emerging into the light

I knew something had to change. So I retrained as a therapist (more accurately, I returned to this field after a stint in journalism, having first trained as a counsellor in 1994-7) and slowly got my life together. I did a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) course, which helped me integrate a daily meditation practice into my life. I have relished those 20 minutes of silence and stillness almost every day since then.

I found a kind, loving partner who is now my wife. She was there for me in some extremely tough times, as I have been there for her when she struggled. This alone has been incredibly healing for me – I feel deeply blessed and grateful to have this wonderful person in my life.

I began to study in great depth the newer, more scientific, brain-based approaches to therapy, like schema therapy, internal family systems therapy, cognitive therapy, MBCT, compassion-focused therapy and many more. For the first time I started to understand what causes depression, anxiety, stress and all the other psychological problems we are all vulnerable to, being beautiful but fragile humans.

A mind-body approach

It’s not always easy for me to be so open about my struggles with mental health (and even harder to admit to the self-medicating, which I very much regret), but I do so in my writing, teaching and therapy practice to ‘normalise’ both psychological difficulties and the ways we try to cope with them, however unhelpful they may be. I am a flawed, fragile human being, just like you. But I also talk about this stuff to say, this is what worked for me, so it could work for you too.

As well as all the learning I have done about the mind, brain, nervous system, different theories and models of psychotherapy, I have to say that one of the most powerful tools I have found to boost and regulate my mood is physical exercise. As I write this, I have just come back from the gym. I exercise almost every day, partly to help with some chronic back issues, but also because it just makes me feel so good!

There is a huge amount of research into the beneficial effects of moving your body on your thoughts, emotions and mood, so if you struggle with depression please do try moving, even a little. You may hate the gym, which is absolutely fine. How about swimming, in the local pool or better somewhere wild? Or dancing – play your favourite tunes, loud, and jump around a bit.

Martial arts are great, especially if you have a trauma history and want to feel safer in your body and your life. Yoga is amazing, providing nourishment and exercise for the body, mind and soul. There is also a great deal of evidence supporting yoga as a trauma-healing practice.

If you have a bike, go for a ride. If you have a garden, get digging and feel your hands in the soil, which also reconnects us to Nature and answers a call deep in your bones to live a wilder, more natural life.

Start with small steps

Having spent years struggling with depression, I know that someone advising you to exercise can feel irritating, even condescending. Of course you already know this! Your GP has probably told you, along with your friends, social-media feed, newspaper, numerous mental-health documentaries, and so on. But I have to say, sometimes we can know all the right things to do, but the hardest thing is actually doing them.

So start small. If you haven’t left the house for days, just go for a walk around the block. Breathe some fresh air. Move your body, a little – it’s desperate to move, trust me. Tomorrow try two blocks. The next day three… and before you know it, you are walking for an hour and noticing a real uplift in your mood.

This is not rocket science, I know, but it really does help.

You may also be interested in a Zoom webinar I’m planning on Saturday 15th October 2022: Overcoming Depression – How to Lift Your Mood & Feel Calmer, Happier & More Hopeful. Take a look at my Webinars & Workshops page if you would like to know more.

And I very much hope that some of my story is inspiring for you. It may help to know that I don’t get depressed any more. I have up days and down days, like everyone, but those long, awful bouts of depression are mercifully in my past.

I barely drink, apart from a few glasses of wine at the weekend. I mostly live a sober, mindful life. And I have a job I love, that brings great joy and meaning to my day-to-day existence. If I can turn my life around – which was a mess, trust me – so can anyone. Including you.

Sending you love and strength, whatever you might be struggling with right now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Can’t Stop Worrying? If So, This Simple Technique Will Help

Image by Nik Shuliahin

Why do we worry? It’s an important question and – if you struggle with worry and anxiety – one we need to answer before thinking about how to help you. One way to think about worry is anticipating stressful, threatening, upsetting or even dangerous events that might occur in the future. This is known as ‘bridge-crossing’. Your brain knows there is a challenge up ahead, so crosses every possible bridge that might lie in your path, to try and help you manage the challenge as best you can.

You could also say that worry is a wired-in, evolutionary response to threats and dangers. Let’s say you were a hunter-gatherer, walking through long grass on the savannah, 10,000 years ago. The threat system in your brain would have been (rightly) highly sensitive and hypervigilant, using all your senses to scan for predators lurking in the grass. You might even have imagined a lion leaping out and how you would try and fight them off, or make your escape. In doing so, you would have visualised the whole scenario, as if playing a video in your mind’s eye.

That would have required a uniquely human capacity: the ability to use a kind of virtual-reality simulator in your brain to imagine the future – sensing it, visualising it and even living through it – to help protect you from potential threats. When you worry, you are using these high-tech neural capacities to anticipate bad stuff on the horizon and how to protect yourself.

More simply, we can also say that worry is a kind of problem-solving thinking, helping you anticipate upcoming problems and then helping you find solutions by running through a whole host of possible options, until you find one that could work.

How anxiety leads to worry

Another key thing to understand about worry is that it’s the cognitive response to the emotion of anxiety. It’s important to emphasise this, because people often get the two mixed up. They say, ‘I feel worried,’ when what they mean is, ‘I feel anxious and am worrying to try and deal with that.’ (I’m sure my clients get fed up with me reminding them of this, but it’s important, so I brave their eye-rolling and say it anyway.)

If we add to this puzzle the fact that anxiety is a threat-focused emotion, triggered by your brain as an alarm call to let you know a person or situation is threatening and you should do something – right now! – to deal with it, you can see why anxiety is designed to feel so bad; and how it’s intended to provoke some kind of urgent, problem-solving action. And we’re back to worry – the urgent, problem-solving action that your brain takes when you feel uncomfortably anxious.

Getting to know the worrier

Yet another way of thinking about worry (last one, I promise) involves understanding that your personality is made up of a number of different parts. I have written about this extensively in previous posts and pages on my site, so if you need to know more I will just point you to either this page on ‘modes’ in schema therapy or this one on internal family systems.

One of the most effective ways of managing unhelpful worry is to speak to the part of you that does the worrying when you’re feeling anxious (usually named the Worrier, for obvious reasons). Here’s a step-by-step guide to doing just that…

The practice

Having a dialogue with your worrier

  1. You can try this in two ways. One way is to use these guidelines just to have an internal dialogue with your Worrier part – this can happen many times throughout the day, whenever you find yourself worrying about something. But if you have time – and especially when you’re starting out with this talking-to-parts approach – I recommend trying this longer method first.

  2. Start by switching your phone to silent and carving 10 minutes out of your busy day. If you are plagued by constant worry, which as you know can be very stressful and unpleasant, you should be highly motivated to find the time.

  3. Now take two chairs and place them so they are facing each other. One chair is for the Worrier, the other your Healthy Adult. First sit on the Worrier chair and let rip about something you have been worrying about recently. It could be a problem at work, with your partner or kids, losing weight, health issues, or more global stuff like the cost of living crisis or climate change. Any subject will do, as long as it has been bothering you lately.

  4. Now be the Worrier. Just act as if you are this part of yourself and (here’s the slightly weird bit) imagine that you are sitting on the other chair. So, if this was me, as the Worrier I would say: ‘Dan, I’m really worried about this post you’re writing. Honestly, it doesn’t seem that great. What if nobody reads it? What if they all think it’s crap and unsubscribe? And what if this whole Heal Your Trauma thing just crashes and burns? You’re not working hard enough on it, this is not your best work, so I think you should just scrap it and start again.’

  5. Spend a couple of minutes being the Worrier, telling James or Jenny (you) in the other chair all the things he/she needs to worry about right now.

  6. Then switch to the Healthy Adult chair. Plant your feet, roll your shoulders back and lengthen your spine. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Let your belly rise and fall with each breath. Keep breathing until you feel a little calmer, then open your eyes and respond to the Worrier from your (calm, strong, wise, compassionate) Healthy Adult.

  7. Using myself as an example again, I would say, ‘Worrier, I know you mean well and you’re just freaking out right now. But I am working hard on this post – I always do. My writing is really important to me, so I try to make every post informative and interesting. And even if a couple of people unsubscribe, that’s OK, it’s not the end of the world.

    ‘It’s good to work hard but not helpful to have my whole self-worth riding on one post, that doesn’t make sense. So it’s all good – you can just relax and let me handle it. Thanks again for looking out for me.’

  8. Notice that on the Worrier chair I say ‘you’ and on the Healthy Adult chair it’s ‘I’. This is important, because I want you to own what you’re saying on the HA chair more, for obvious reasons.

  9. Try this, many times, until you feel the Worrier start to calm down. Make sure the way you speak to this poor, frazzled part of you is friendly and kind. It’s not a bad, or mean part – it is trying to help. But the way it’s helping is not very helpful! So you just need to learn how to empathise with, then reassure the Worrier. As ever, practice makes perfect so repeat, repeat, repeat until this is working for you…

I very much hope that’s useful for you. And if you would like some help with your worry and anxiety, do come along to my new one-day workshop: Coping with Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace. This powerful, highly experiential workshop takes place from 10.30am-4.30pm on Saturday 10th September 2022. It costs just £99 for the full day, including refreshments – there are also a limited number of reduced-fee places available.

Coping with Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace will be held at the Gestalt Centre, a short walk from King’s Cross Station in central London. Don’t miss this chance to learn from and spend a day with me – places are limited, so find out more and book using the button below:

I look forward to seeing you in September or at one of my upcoming workshops.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

I am a meditation teacher for Insight Timer, where you will find a wealth of resources (mostly free/donation-based) including courses, breathing techniques, guided imagery, mindfulness and self-compassion practices and much more.