I’m guessing, if you’re reading this, that you are a kind person. I bet you’re really good to the people in your life — treating friends, family and even strangers with care and consideration. And, although that may take effort sometimes, you show up for those people, day after day.

But I also bet that the one person you struggle to treat with kindness and compassion is yourself. Somehow, all that warmth and love you radiate outwards rarely goes inside.

At best, you don’t take good care of yourself, working long hours, putting everyone else’s needs before your own, running around until you’re exhausted. At worst, you may be harshly self-critical, beating yourself up for every (real or imagined) transgression, calling yourself stupid or pathetic, attacking yourself as if you were your own worst enemy.

Kindness is like gold dust

But here’s the thing I always tell my clients — kindness is so powerful and produces such deep healing in our mind, brain and body that it’s like gold dust. There is a huge and ever-growing body of research that clearly shows the deeply transformative impact of positive mental states such as kindness and compassion.

So why is it so hard to treat yourself as you treat others, even though you know rationally that it’s a good idea? Primarily because the rational part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex, or PFC, responsible for rational thought, among other things) is not the part that’s mean to you. In schema therapy we call that part the Critic, which lives in the more emotional, evolutionarily older parts of the brain, like your limbic system.

This critical part of yourself may echo the messages given to you by punishing or excessively demanding parents or other caregivers when you were a child. If they told you that you were weak, pathetic, lazy or a failure, sadly that’s what your critical part will tell you now. But it’s crucial to remember that, for the vast majority of the time, these hurtful messages are not true.

Just because an irritable, sharp-tongued mother told you something when you were four years old does not make it a fact. And the hurtful things your hard-drinking, quick-tempered dad yelled when you were ten say more about him than they do about you — as a ten-year-old or an adult. Act as if your life depended on not believing these toxic messages from the past — which, in many ways, it really does.

Another problem is that, if you’re feeling anxious or angry, your PFC literally goes offline. That’s because when you feel these ‘threat-signalling’ emotions, your fight-flight-freeze response has been triggered. And when that happens, your PFC — which is great for solving equations or writing novels, but not so good for quick, life-saving action — powers down until the threat has passed. This is why your mind goes blank when you’re highly anxious — because your ‘thinking brain’ has, temporarily, stopped working.

So, given that it’s such a struggle for so many people, how on earth can you learn to be kinder to yourself? In my 10 years as a therapist, I have tried hundreds of different techniques to help my clients treat themselves with the care and respect they afford to other people. Some work better than others. And this kindness-generating technique— which I use multiple times, every single day — consistently works best…

Want to be kinder? Try this simple technique

Remember how good you are at being kind to others? Well, the good news is that the same brain circuitry involved in external acts of kindness fire up when we’re kind to ourselves. So you have all the neural architecture/skills already, you just need to treat yourself the way you would a good friend. Try these steps, in this order, being sure not to skip a step (they all activate key parts of your neurobiology — skip one and the rest won’t work as well).

Change posture. Let your shoulders roll back so your chest is open. Sit upright but relaxed, as if there’s an invisible piece of string coming from the top of your head, pulling you upright.
Breathe. Take deep, slow breaths in and out — four seconds in, four seconds out. Let your stomach rise and fall with each breath. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which in turn activates the ‘rest-and-digest’ response, the opposite to fight-flight-freeze.
Use supportive touch. Place a hand over your heart, touching yourself the way you would a friend who was upset — with a kind, friendly, supportive touch. Feel the warmth under your hand and imagine it trickling down into your heart, soothing all the hurt, scared parts of you.
Add compassionate self-talk. Now talk to yourself the way you would to that troubled friend. Make sure your voice tone is warm, soft and slow (your tone is just as important as the words you use). Say things like ‘Oh, John/Jenny, I know you’re struggling right now. This is so hard, isn’t it — I really see how scared you are. But it’s OK, you’re not alone. I’m here with you. I care about you. And I’m going to help you get through this...’

Feeling better?

When I use this technique with my clients (or myself), every single time they feel calmer, lighter, more at peace. Importantly, it’s not about going from 80% anxious to Zen-like calm. Look to feel a bit calmer, a bit lighter, a bit more peaceful. That is eminently achievable — and the more you do this, the more effective it will become.

So do try this technique when you are feeling anxious, stressed, sad, lonely or upset — it should help with any kind of negative feeling or mood. I really hope it does.

Warm wishes,

Dan