Here is a video of my Compassionate Breathing practice. You can use this any time you're feeling stressed, anxious, upset, agitated or if you're dealing with any kind of difficult emotion.
I hope you find it helpful – you will find this practice, as well as many other breathing techniques, mindfulness, self-compassion and IFS meditations, as well as guided-imagery techniques, in my Insight Timer collection: insighttimer.com/danrobertstherapy
Love ❤️
Dan
Are You a Perfectionist? Here’s Why That is Not Your Fault
Image by Mohamed Hassan
I read a lot of self-help books – and I mean, a lot of self-help books. I do this for various reasons. First, I enjoy them – I am fascinated by psychology and can’t get enough of new ideas, research and theories about why we all do what we do. Second, it’s my job – as a therapist, I am always looking for new and helpful techniques, innovative ways of thinking or changing entrenched habits. And third, I aim to write my own self-help book in the next few years, so I need a deep understanding of what has already been written, what is good about these books and what is not so good, as a reader.
If I’m honest, I stop reading most of these books halfway through, because often they have a great idea, tell you all about it in chapters one to three and then, well, repeat it in various ways until I get bored and give up. So the mark of a great book for me is that it holds my attention from first page to last. Not many books manage that, so I’m always delighted when I find one that does.
I am currently on page 211 of 253 of my latest book, so I’m pretty confident this wins the Hold Dan’s Attention award! It’s The Perfection Trap: The Power of Good Enough in a World That Always Wants More, by Thomas Curran, a professor of psychology at the prestigious London School of Economics. And it’s great – strongly recommended holiday reading, if you’re about to hit the beach.
Are you a perfectionist?
Let’s start here, because you may well think you’re not that perfectionistic. And you might not be, of course, or you might just not recognise this trait in yourself. Full disclosure time – until reading this book, I didn’t realise quite how perfectionistic I was! In fact, when I got annoyed with the book after a few chapters and said, huffily, ‘Why are so many of these damn books so bad?’ my long-suffering wife, Laura, laughed and said, ‘Oh my god. I can’t believe you’re being perfectionistic about a book on perfectionism!’
Crap, I thought, she’s right. My high standards for books (and music, movies, meditations, workshops, newspaper articles and much more) were always a badge of honour for me. I thought it meant I had good taste and high standards, not just accepting any old rubbish.
But I now see this is all part of my perfectionsim, what Curran calls Other-Oriented Perfectionism (this is one of three kinds, along with the Self-Oriented and Socially-Prescribed versions). My standards, it turns out, are way too high, both for myself and others. Sheepishly, I started reading again…
Where does perfectionism come from?
Another wake-up call in reading this book was just how much of my perfectionism – and yours, I’m guessing – comes from existing in a culture that intentionally creates it in us. Curran argues, convincingly, that the ‘supply-side’ economics of capitalism mean industrialised economies like those of the UK or US must continually grow to survive. And to keep growing, we all have to keep consuming – more TVs, iPhones, anti-ageing cream, high heels, washing machines, laptops and the rest – all the time.
What makes us buy all this stuff? A fiendishly clever advertising industry that makes us all feel insecure, on purpose, to then tell us, ‘What you need to feel happy is this holiday, or that new watch.’ With the advent of social media platforms like Instagram or TikTok, this manufactured insecurity has reached new heights – which is why, says Curran, so many young people are so unhappy now. They are constantly told they are not thin, pretty, athletic, smart, muscular, popular or cool enough.
They feel a profound sense of not being good enough, so aspire to perfection to try and feel better. Work harder, hustle, grind your way through school, university and the increasingly insecure, gig-economy-dominated world of work and one day you will make it! Just not today – so go and buy yourself a £4 Frappuccino from Starbucks to make yourself feel better.
You are enough, just as you are
Something I am always telling my clients (and myself) is that you are enough, right now. Just as you are. You are beautiful whether you’re skinny or not, perma-tanned or not, short or tall, young or old, wealthy or broke. You are a glorious, miraculous living being, with a body that is made of stardust; and a brain that is the most complex object in the known universe.
You, I hope, have people you love and who love you. As I have written before in these posts, that is the most important thing about your life – the relationships that support and nurture you as you move through it. Not money. Not fancy degrees. Not living like some Instagram influencer. The real purpose of life is to love and be loved.
So please don’t waste your life in a frantic scramble for something that is not real and certainly not achievable. Take it from me – perfectionism is a sure road to unhappiness. Instead, go for a good enough life filled with joy, richness, meaning and, above all, love.
Sending you love and warm thoughts,
Dan
Ease Your Stress with Colour Breathing
Image by J Lee
How are you feeling, right now? Sadly, for many of us the answer would be anxious, agitated, irritable, frazzled – and, most of all, stressed. That’s because we live in a very stressful time, with challenges to our mental and physical health that our ancestors could not have imagined in their wildest dreams.
One of my recent posts was all about exercise – and why it’s such a crucial element of looking after both mind and body. But, as we all know, many of us don’t get enough exercise or simply move our bodies enough, throughout the day. We also consume too much caffeine and alcohol, as well as eating excessive amounts of sugary, processed and otherwise unhealthy food. This idea – that, for those of us in industrialised countries like the UK, the most damaging thing to our health is excess – is a very new one, because for most of human history we didn’t have enough, of anything.
Your ancestors, and mine, spent large portions of their day walking for mile after mile, hunting prey or searching for seasonal fruits, seeds and edible roots. They often had to endure periods of hardship and even famine. Life was dominated by not having enough food, rather than too much of it.
So it’s a weird time to be human. Too much stuff. Too much sitting. Too much junk food, constantly within reach, that tastes good but damages your body.
Busyness as a badge of honour
The other weird thing about being a 21st-century human is just how hectic and stressful day-to-day life is. We are all (myself included) so damn busy these days, aren’t we? Everyone I know spends most of their waking hours rushing around, meeting one deadline after another, working long days – in fact, working all the time, because work follows us home now, in a way it never used to. And, weirdly, this busyness has become a badge of honour – it’s something to be proud of, a goal in itself to fill our days with being ‘productive’, allowing no time to rest and be still.
I’m currently reading a brilliant book about how our attention has been hijacked by the goals, values and imperatives of capitalism in general and Big Tech in particular. And how to resist the constant pressure to be busy, distracted, hopping from one screen to the next from the moment we wake until we fall into a restless, fitful sleep. How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy, by writer and artist Jenny Odell, champions time spent doing very little. Taking a break from the endless scrolling. Allowing yourself to be offline. Time to think, muse, daydream. It’s so important for the health of your brain, but so hard to do these days.
So, if your answer to the above question was ‘a bit stressed’, here’s a practice I created just for you. As regular readers will know, I am a big fan of mindfulness, as well as breathwork and other body-based practices to help manage tricky emotions and experiences. I love this practice because it combines those three things will adding an imaginary, visual element – which will provide a ‘healthy distraction’ if your mind is currently scattered and racing from one stressful thought to the next.
The practice
Start by finding a comfortable sitting posture, on a straight-backed chair. Let your feet be flat and grounded on the floor. Gently roll your shoulders back and feel your chest open up, your lungs feeling expansive and open. This will help you breathe freely and deeply
Close your eyes, if that feels comfortable for you, or soften and lower your gaze
Scan your body and notice what you’re feeling, emotionally. You might be upset, angry, hurt, shocked, scared, threatened, agitated or feeling some other negative emotion
Just let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling, for a few seconds
Now focus on your body and mindfully scan your face, throat, arms, hands, chest, back and belly
What do you notice? Perhaps tense, tight muscles. Maybe a sense of heat or rising energy in your chest. You might feel a tight knot, churning sensation or butterflies in your stomach
There is no right or wrong way to feel, so just lean into whatever somatic sensations you are experiencing right now
Check in with your posture, again rolling your shoulders back and letting them drop. Make sure you are sitting in an upright but relaxed posture
Start slowing and deepening your breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Let your breaths be slow, deep and even, counting to four on the in-breath and four on the out-breath
Keep breathing – slow, deep, smooth and steady, for a minute
If you find yourself distracted by thoughts, memories, plans, worries or anything else, that’s perfectly normal. Your mind might keep circling back to whatever stressful situation you’re dealing with right now, which is fine. But when you notice you are distracted, just keep gently bringing your attention back to your body, back to the breath
As you breathe in, know you’re breathing in. As you breathe out, know you’re breathing out
Keep breathing deeply for another minute
Now let’s add another element to this practice – as you breathe in, visualise a soothing colour. For some people that might be pink, purple, blue, green or gold, but just pick a colour that seems soothing for you
And as you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in your soothing colour. See it travel in through your nostrils and down your throat, as it fills your lungs, chest, back and belly
See your whole torso light up with this warm, gently soothing colour. Enjoy that for a minute
Then on the out-breath, imagine you are expelling all that stressful energy – again, pick a colour that best represents your stressful feelings, which might be black, grey, red or some other strong colour
As you breathe out, imagine exhaling every molecule of stress, blowing it out through your mouth like smoke, so it leaves your body for good and vanishes into the atmosphere
Breathing in your soothing colour, breathing out your stress… Stay with that for a minute
Again, if you get distracted it’s fine, just gently bring your attention back to your body, back to the breath, back to those colours flowing in and out for another minute
Now you can let go of visualising the breath in this way and allow your breathing to find its natural rhythm
Let go of all efforts and just sit, peacefully, feeling a sense of calm, ease and relaxation in your body and mind. Just enjoy that for a minute
Then bring your focus to the weight of your body resting on the chair. Your feet on the ground. Sounds reaching your ears from all around
Then when you’re ready, slowly open your eyes
Now re-engage with the external world, carrying these feelings of calm, contentment and peace into the rest of your day
I hope you find that helpful – I will record this practice soon and add it to my Insight Timer collection, so you can listen whenever you need to de-stress and find a little calm and peace in your day.
Sending you love and warm thoughts,
Dan
What I Have Learned (the Hard Way) About Self-Compassion
Image by Cris Saur
This post is not easy to write. It’s a confession, of sorts. And an admission that I haven’t been practising what I preach, despite my best efforts to do so.
I talk about self-compassion so much, in these posts, my webinars and workshops, with my clients and supervisees. I see this skill as a mental-health superpower. Self-compassion is so important, whatever psychological problems you might have and whatever has happened to you in your life to cause those problems.
And I thought I had learned this skill, myself, after 30 years of personal-development work. I do so much to look after myself: personal therapy, daily meditation, healthy diet, regular exercise, plenty of sleep, rarely drinking and much more.
But lately I have been struggling. I had a couple of health issues, one I wrote about in a previous post and another this weekend, when I had a big energy slump and did not feel at all well (in fact, I felt a lot like the crashed-out koala in this photo!). I see both incidents as my body speaking to me, loudly, telling me I was doing too much, driving myself too hard, not caring for myself in the way I teach and try to care for others.
In short, I learned a hard lesson about self-compassion – apparently it’s important for therapists too! Who knew.
Making some changes
So I have, finally, listened to my body. I have made some tough-but-necessary changes to the Heal Your Trauma project, starting with cancelling all of the upcoming workshops this year. This was a real wrench – and I am very sorry to those who had booked places. We have refunded everyone who paid for a ticket, but I know it’s still not ideal and I am truly sorry. It couldn’t be helped, I’m afraid.
Many of those workshops have been replaced by webinars on the same topic, which are much easier for me to teach, so don’t take as much of my time/energy to offer. I hope you sign up for those, starting with my next webinar (somewhat ironically) on 27th May: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion. You can book your place now using the button below.
I am also listening to and leaning on my wonderful team, including my dear friend and Clinical Director of Heal Your Trauma, Claire van den Bosch. She is a brilliant therapist, thinker and teacher, so do come to her webinar on 18th November: Overcoming Addiction – Heal Your Pain and Escape the Addictive Cycle. You can book your place for that here.
Practising what I preach
Although this is a tough post to write, I am passionate about de-stigmatising mental-health problems like stress, low mood and burnout. And one way to do that is to be honest about my own struggles with these problems. I am human, just like you. I have strengths and weaknesses, just like you. I sometimes need a wake-up call to take care of myself, just like you.
And I am looking after myself – I recently took a week off and have more holidays planned. I am taking it much easier, day to day, not filling every spare minute with busyness and productivity. Going slower, more mindfulness, more meditation, more rest. And I just came back from the gym, where I had a light workout and then sat, sipping a cappuccino, on a balcony overlooking the beautiful garden. I am so lucky to have such a lovely place as a healing resource. I feel nourished and rejuvenated, which is a good start.
Again, my deepest apologies if these changes have caused you inconvenience. We didn’t make them lightly. But I have had to accept that I need to take better care of myself, so I can help those who need my care.
Thank you for reading this and your ongoing support for the Heal Your Trauma project, it means the world to me.
Sending you love and warm thoughts,
Dan
Christmas Survival Guide – How to De-Stress the Holidays
Take a close look at this picture. The perfect family Christmas – even the dog looks full of festive cheer. And how closely does this resemble your family Christmas? I thought so. This holiday season does bring lovely moments, if we’re lucky – but can also be stressful, lonely, upsetting, conflict-filled and generally tough for many of us.
So, in the spirit of seasonal giving, here are my three top tips to survive the holidays, relatively intact:
Stop believing that silly pictures like this one represent actual Christmas. Sorry, I know I put it there. But still, at this time of year we are bombarded with ads, photos in the media – both mainstream and social – of perfect Christmas scenes, with happy families unwrapping presents under the tree, cavorting in the snow outside their huge house, and toasting each other over groaning tables of immaculately presented food.
For most of us, even if we’re lucky enough to have a family – and luckier still to have a family we actually get on with – this is just a fantasy. If we’re doing the prep we shop and wrap and chop and cook and clean and tidy and frantically try to make sure everyone has a nice time.
It’s so damn stressful… and for what? One or two days of our lives. So start by accepting that this is not how Christmas is, or even should be. It’s about love, and rest, and gratitude that we even have enough food to eat, or a warm house to celebrate in, which many people in the UK and around the world will not this year.
Take the pressure off, wherever possible. Does everyone really need all those presents? How many of them are destined for landfill, or at best charity shops, by the end of January? And what’s it doing to the planet, all that tinsel and plastic and electronic stuff that none of us really need. Sorry if this sounds Scrooge-ish (my family do tell me I’m a bit of a Grinch at this time of year!) but it’s also about looking after yourself, your mental health – and your bank balance. Many of us are struggling financially right now, so the last thing we can afford is buying vast numbers of presents for everyone we know.
Why not get everyone just one present. Something thoughtful (and ideally plastic-free) that they will actually love and use and keep for years to come. A life-changing book you read this year. A beautiful, well-made piece of clothing you know they will love. How about making something, if you are artistically inclined? Or writing them a letter, telling them how much they mean to you and all the reasons you love and appreciate them. Better than socks, no?
Make this a compassionate Christmas. One of our friends, who is of Indian heritage and whose family doesn’t do Christmas, spends a week volunteering at Crisis every year. She helps homeless people have a break from the cold streets – they get somewhere warm to sleep, clean clothes, hot showers, healthcare, a haircut, gifts and lots of lovely food. It can be life-changing, if you live on the streets and are treated as an irritation to be avoided and ignored most of the year.
And of course it’s a great gift for her, because giving of herself in this kind, altruistic way helps her mental health. We know from extensive research that compassionate acts like this are just as good for us as they are for the beneficiaries of our compassion. You don’t have to volunteer for a week, but perhaps a day at your local homeless shelter or food bank? How about inviting that lonely elderly person on your street for Christmas lunch?
Or buying all your gifts from the Choose Love shop, say, which helps refugees around the world get through the winter. They need all the love and help they can get right now, in my country and yours, wherever you are in the world. And giving like this – freely, without expecting anything in return – just feels good, doesn’t it? Humans are wired to be altruistic and pro-social in this way, so you get a lovely little dopamine hit in your brain whenever you perform a benevolent act. The very definition of a win-win.
This will be my last blog post/newsletter of the year, so I would like to say thank you to you all, from the bottom of my heart, for supporting my Heal Your Trauma project throughout 2022. This non-profit project is also a compassionate act, from the whole HYT team, trying to help everyone, everywhere with their mental health. And we couldn’t do this without your support, so a profound thank you for that.
I hope you have a restful, mindful and restorative holiday season. And look forward to reconnecting with you in the new year.
Sending you love and warm wishes,
Dan
Feeling Anxious or Stressed? Try 4-7-8 Breathing to Feel Calmer, Quickly
Image by Joshua Earle
Sometimes, we have to acknowledge that modern psychology doesn’t have all the answers. With great humility, we also have to realise that some of the most powerful, deeply healing techniques have been around for thousands of years. Take mindfulness, which only entered the Western medical mainstream in the 1970s. Mindfulness techniques were developed and taught by the Buddha 2,500 years ago, so it took us a while to catch up!
Another set of powerful techniques that have increasingly become mainstream are deep-breathing techniques, which can be incredibly helpful for any ‘hyperaroused’ (high-energy) state such as stress, anxiety, anger or agitation. Many of these techniques are part of the yogic tradition, which has been around for thousands of years (it’s hard to know exactly how long, but 5,000 years is an oft-quoted figure – let’s just say a long time).
These pranayama breathing techniques involve a whole host of practices, but this post will focus on 4-7-8 Breathing, which is incredibly powerful – what I call a ‘break the glass in case of emergency’ breathing technique, as opposed to the gentler Compassionate Breathing, which is also a key part of my therapy toolkit.
When should you use 4-7-8 breathing?
The first thing to say is that this isn’t one of those deep-breathing techniques you can surreptitiously use on the Tube, or in a meeting. It’s kind of loud and pretty funky, so it’s one for a quiet room, alone (or with your therapist, partner or a trusted friend/family member). As with Compassionate Breathing and Box Breathing (another ‘emergency’ technique I often teach people), this 4-7-8 Breathing involves abdominal/diaphragmatic breathing to help you move from a stress response to a relaxation response.
First, a little science (feel free to skip this bit if you want to go straight to the practice, below). Your heart, lungs, digestion and various other systems in your body are controlled by the autonomic nervous system. And this is divided into two branches, the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The sympathetic branch is all about action and is a key part of the fight-flight response (fight being linked to the emotion of anger, flight to anxiety).
Put simply, this branch of the nervous system helps you mobilise for action to escape or fight off a life-or-death threat. So it’s pretty handy. But not so useful if you’re on a bus, or in a parent-teacher meeting, and are flooded with panic and anxiety. And sadly, if you’re a trauma survivor, you will probably have way too much SNS activation and not enough PNS in your life, so we need to fire up that parasympathetic system, which is involved in the rest-and-digest response and feelings of calm, relaxation, peacefulness and safety. The good stuff that we all want more of, but which can be elusive, especially if you’re chronically stressed or anxious.
The good news is that just a few minutes of 4-7-8 Breathing can quickly and powerfully activate the PNS, helping you move from stressed to more relaxed. Here’s how it works…
The practice
I would recommend trying this on your own in a quiet room. Switch your phone off and make sure you won’t be disturbed – take a few minutes out of your busy day, just for yourself. You can just count the breaths, slowly, in your head.
When you’re first learning, try to practice at least twice a day, but you can do it as often as you want. Only do it for four cycles in a row in the beginning. After you get used to it, you can work up to eight cycles in a row, throughout the day.
Start by adjusting your posture – gently roll your shoulders back and lengthen your spine, so you’re sitting in an upright but relaxed posture. You can close your eyes, or leave them open if you prefer.
Place your tongue against the back of your top teeth and keep it there.
Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whooshing sound (this might feel a bit silly at first, but give it a go). Try to get every molecule of air out of your lungs.
Close your mouth and inhale through your nose for a count of four.
Now hold your breath for a count of seven.
Exhale completely through your mouth, with added whooshing, for a count of eight. Get all that stale air out of your lungs…
This completes one cycle. Repeat for three more cycles.
Remember that, like any new technique, this might feel a bit weird, clunky or challenging at first. Try not to get discouraged – remember that practice makes perfect. Give it a go, for at least a few days.
If you really struggle (and some people do find this practice challenging, especially that long hold), switch to Box Breathing, Compassionate Breathing or just plain old deep breathing instead. As long as you breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and your belly is rising and falling with each breath, it should definitely help.
Warm wishes,
Dan
Try Box Breathing to Feel Calmer, Quickly
Image by Johnny Africa
Everybody wants to feel calm, right? That’s a no-brainer. But feeling calmer, more relaxed, peaceful and at ease is not easy, especially if you have a trauma history and/or struggle with chronic anxiety, stress or anger.
These emotional states are the polar opposite of calm, primarily because they are designed to be – they’re all linked to the fight-or-flight response, gearing us up for action when we face a life-or-death threat like a hungry grizzly or hostile tribe after our territory. Of course, we rarely encounter threats like this in a modern, urban, 21st-century environment, but your brain doesn’t know that. Millions of years of evolution have primed it to react, strongly and instantaneously, to any real or perceived threat you encounter.
Having tried many different techniques over the years to help people feel calmer and more relaxed, I think that the huge variety of breathing techniques available to us can be incredibly powerful and effective. Of course, Yogis have known about these techniques for thousands of years, but we in the West are now latching on to their life-changing potential.
I have written extensively about Compassionate Breathing, my go-to technique to help soothe and regulate my clients’ (and my) nervous system. I am also evangelical about Box Breathing, which I see as more of an ‘emergency’ breathing technique, to use if you are feeling panicky, highly anxious or stressed, have a big presentation you’re freaking out about – or for any situation in which you want to feel calmer, quickly.
How it works
Box Breathing works so well because it does a whole bunch of stuff at the same time. This includes:
Stimulating your vagus nerve and in turn your parasympathetic nervous system (the ‘brake’ branch of your autonomic nervous system, which helps you feel calm, digest food and sleep)
Increase oxygen levels throughout your body, lower blood pressure and help you breathe as humans are designed to, most of the time – slowly and deeply
Help you breathe from your abdomen, rather than a too-small section of your lungs (this is called ‘chest breathing’ and is how we breathe when fight-or-flight gets triggered)
Give you not one, but two different forms of healthy distraction (counting and visualisation), allowing you to stop obsessively worrying, ruminating about something upsetting in the past, or imagining some awful thing in the future
The practice
Start by adjusting your posture, rolling your shoulders back, opening up the chest and sitting with an upright but relaxed posture. You will want to breathe, as deeply as possible, in through your nose for a count of four seconds, feeling your abdomen inflate like a balloon (just count, slowly, in your mind: one, two, three, four). Then hold that breath for four seconds (one, two, three, four).
And then breathe out through your mouth, letting your abdomen deflate and trying to get every bit of air out of your body (one, two, three, four). Hold for, you guessed it, four seconds (one, two, three, four). Then start the whole cycle again: in-breath, hold, out-breath, hold…
Close your eyes, if that feels comfortable for you, or just lower and soften your gaze. And you can also try visualising a square in your mind, lighting up from the bottom-left corner and running up the vertical line to the top-left corner for your in-breath; across, horizontally, to the top-right corner for your hold; down, vertically, to the bottom-right corner for your out-breath; then left, horizontally for your hold.
Got that? Hope so.
The longer the better
Do this for anything from one to (ideally) five minutes and you should notice a dramatic difference in your physical and emotional state. When I use Box Breathing I notice my body starts to feel really heavy and relaxed, especially if I can do it for longer stretches of time.
Try using Box Breathing every day, but especially when you’re feeling stressed, anxious, angry, agitated, hyper, frazzled, wired or tense; you need to perform in some way that’s stressing you out (driving test, first date, public speaking) or you’re struggling with insomnia, either having a tough time falling asleep or getting back to sleep in the night.
I really hope that helps. I have recorded a step-by-step guide to this technique for my Insight Timer collection, so just click the button below if you would like to listen now.
Warm wishes,
Dan
Healing from Trauma is a Process – Give it Time
Image by Jeremy Bishop
There are many things I find myself repeating, over and over, to my clients. Near the top of my list of oft-repeated phrases is, ‘I’m afraid there is no quick fix. Healing from trauma is a process and takes as long as it needs to.’
Of course, I understand that if you are suffering – whether that’s with depression, daily stress and anxiety, or any other painful feelings – you want that suffering to end, as quickly as possible. It’s only human to want that – if I have a headache, I take painkillers because I want to get rid of the pain as soon as I can. Nobody likes to be in pain and we are all hard-wired to avoid it, or try to reduce it in any way we can.
It’s just that, especially with long-term, deep-rooted psychological problems, healing from them cannot be rushed and takes time. That is even more true of trauma-related issues, which can affect every part of you – your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, cardiovascular, immune, nervous, musculoskeletal and hormonal systems, as well as the internal system of parts that live inside your mind.
No quick fix
Perhaps the closest things we have to quick fixes in psychology are medications like antidepressants and short-term therapies such as cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), so let’s think about these options first. Starting with medication, it’s important to understand that for some people it can be extremely helpful, but can take a long time to start working and doesn’t help everyone.
If you are really struggling, especially with depression, by all means try antidepressants and see if they help – they can also work well combined with various forms of talking therapy. But they can only ever offer symptom-relief, so – especially if you have a trauma history – they will never get to the root of your problems, because they are not designed to do that.
(It’s important to note here that, if you are taking medication, you should never stop taking it without consulting your GP or psychiatrist, as this can cause serious problems).
CBT is an excellent form of therapy that works incredibly well for all sorts of problems. I would say it’s especially good at treating fairly recent or short-term problems, or specific problems like phobias and other anxiety disorders. But again, the standard CBT model was never designed for long-term, deep-rooted problems like complex trauma. It might help with the cognitive, emotional and behavioural symptoms caused by those problems, but it won’t address your underlying issues.
The start of my journey
I realised recently that I went for my first-ever counselling session in 1992, to help me deal with the sudden and traumatic loss of my father – so I have been on my healing journey for almost 30 years! I had never really thought about going to therapy before that – and had certainly never imagined training as a counsellor or psychotherapist. But that first experience, of being helped through my grief by a kind, warm and deeply empathic person, opened my eyes to the healing potential of therapy.
This led me to my first counselling training, in a transpersonal therapy called Psychosysnthesis and – despite a winding road that led me first into journalism, before returning to the therapy world and restarting my training – it is a path I have been walking every since.
In that time I have experienced all sorts of therapy, both as client and professional, have found deep solace in a daily meditation practice, learned a great deal about the mind, brain and body, and both what harms and heals this exquisitely complex system. I now have a healthy diet, try to get plenty of sleep, don’t drink much, am lucky enough to have a loving, supportive wife and to have found work that I am passionate about and is deeply meaningful for me.
Healing is a lifelong process
But it took me most of my 53 years on this planet to get here – and I will be doing all of these helpful things, as well as learning, growing, changing and healing every day for the rest of my life. So, another thing I tell my clients (who must get fed up of hearing it!) is that healing doesn’t begin and end with a course of therapy, whether that’s CBT, schema therapy, internal family systems, or any of the many wonderful models available to us.
Healing is a lifelong process. Our minds and bodies need daily exercise, meditation, yoga, sleep, nutritious food, time in Nature, a safe place to live, meaningful work, good friends, loving partners, caring therapists, taking care of our internal system of parts, inspiring films, podcasts and books, comforting music, daily fun and laughter, awe-inspiring experiences, soul-nourishing travel… We all need as many of these helpful things as we can get, every day.
So, please try to be patient. Healing cannot be rushed, however frustrated we may feel, or urgent it might seem. Like all good things, it takes time.
But also know that it is always possible, however bad things have been for you, however much you are suffering today, however hopeless things may seem right now. I know this from my own experience and from helping people heal their trauma every single day.
Trust the process and your trauma can be healed – wishing you all the best with that journey,
Dan
Try This Imagery Technique to Feel Calmer and More Peaceful
Image by Jailam Rashad
If you have a trauma history, you may struggle to feel calm and safe in the world. You might find that you only feel safe in your home – or that even there you often feel anxious, or a sense of dread, as if something bad is always about to happen.
Although, of course, this is horrible, it’s not unusual. In fact, if you have grown up in an environment that was not safe, or where bad things often did happen, it makes total sense to feel this way as an adult – the little boy or girl inside you still feels unsafe, even when the traumatic experiences happened many years ago.
As part of the long, slow process of helping my clients feel safer, I always include the Safe Place imagery. This simple but powerful imagery technique was developed by Paul Gilbert, the founder of compassion-focused therapy. It is often incorporated into schema therapy as it is so helpful for people struggling with anxiety or trauma-related feelings of threat, or for those struggling to feel safe, even in apparently safe environments.
I have recorded this imagery for Insight Timer (listen to that recording here), but here is a step-by-step guide you can either read and record for yourself, or get a trusted friend, family member or therapist to record for you so that you can play it whenever you need to.
Safe Place Imagery
Start by imagining a safe place. This might be somewhere you have visited, such as a beautiful beach, forest or mountain meadow. It could also be somewhere that feels safe and comfortable for you, such as a cosy room in your house, or a place in Nature where you walk your dog. Sometimes, especially if you are a trauma survivor, you might not be able to think of anywhere that feels safe – in that case, create an imaginary place that feels as safe as possible.
Ideally, you should be alone in your safe place, with no potentially triggering people visiting; although feel free to take pets or calm, supportive people with you. And it should be warm, as warmth is soothing and comforting for your brain. Close your eyes and ‘be there’ as vividly as possible. Explore your safe place, using all of your senses – what can you see, hear, feel, smell, taste and touch? If it’s a beach you could visualise the beautiful turquoise sea, golden sands and blue skies, hear the gulls and breeze rustling palm fronds, feel the sand between your toes… The more sensory information the better, as this convinces your brain that you are actually on that beach, or in the beautiful meadow.
Keep reminding yourself that this is your safe place, using words like ‘calm’ and ‘peaceful’. Mindfully focus on the somatic sensations of calmness, peacefulness and safety in your body. Also, remember that this place itself takes pleasure in you being there (many trauma survivors were never cherished or shown love, so this often feels very good).
End the imagery by reminding yourself that this place is always here for you, just waiting for you to visit. If you’re feeling stressed or anxious, you can just close your eyes and visit for a minute or two (like having a mini-holiday) before re-engaging with the world. Then let the image fade away until it’s gone, take a deep breath and open your eyes.
I hope you find this imagery helpful – and that, over time, it helps you feel a little calmer, safer and more at peace in your day-to-day life.
Warm wishes,
Dan
How to Manage Your Inner Critic – and Quieten Self-Critical Thoughts
Image by Mike Burke
I recently wrote a post about the Inner Critic, arguing that this part of us is much maligned and misunderstood. A quick refresher: in schema therapy, it has long been argued that this critical part, especially in its more punitive form, was a very bad thing.
Traditional schema-therapy theory argues that this harsh, mean part of us is the internalised voice of a critical adult from childhood and so needs to be shut down, silenced, or even banished from your internal system (which essentially means silencing the stream of self-critical thoughts).
I get the logic of this, but the theory doesn’t seem to stand up in my consulting room. I have spent years working with my clients’ various parts (known as modes in schema therapy) and even tried fighting back against the Punitive Critic, as I was taught, using chair work and other techniques to help protect people from this inner bully.
And you know what? It didn’t work. Sometimes that Punitive Critic went silent for a bit, but it always came roaring back, especially at times when people felt vulnerable or threatened. And I also grew increasingly uncomfortable about confronting part of the person.
It goes against everything I believe and have learned in other models of therapy, such as Internal Family Systems, which argues that every part of us has a positive intention, however counterintuitive that may be.
Collaboration, not confrontation
Think of your Critical Part, as I call it, as being a bit like a barking dog. At first, it might seem scary (like that pitbull in the photo, if it suddenly became aggressive), because it can be loud, harsh and say really mean things to you, calling you names like pathetic, a loser or failure. It’s only natural to want to fight back, or get rid of that horrible voice in your head.
But, thinking again of that pitbull, if it’s barking loudly, it’s usually because it is scared. My theory is that your Critical Part gets loud when you are vulnerable, or threatened in some way, because it is anxious and so warning you about bad things that might happen.
For example, if you’re about to go on a first date with a girl you really like, you might think self-critical thoughts like, ‘I’m bound to screw this up – I bet I say something stupid and she never wants to see me again!’
So that’s your Critical Part piping up, warning you not to say the wrong thing, because you might get hurt or rejected by your date. It might not seem like it, but that part is trying to protect you. And in my experience of working with hundreds of Critical Parts in my consulting room, their intention is almost always either protective or motivational (and sometimes both).
They might bark loudly, but that’s just because they are scared and don’t want you/them to be hurt, rejected, abandoned, criticised or attacked.
Compassion for the Critic
So, if it’s not helpful to fight the Critical Part, or try and banish it from your mind, what should you do? I think you need to have compassion for this part of you, which is trying desperately to protect you – and may have been doing that since you were a small child. It doesn’t mean you should just let the self-critical thoughts flow, because I’m sure they do make you feel stressed, anxious, depressed or upset.
Here’s a rough guide to the approach I use – and teach my clients to try themselves as homework, between sessions:
First you have to notice the self-critical thoughts and realise that these harsh messages are coming from the Critical Part. This requires taking a ‘mindful observer’ perspective, where you can step back from the thoughts, observe and respond to them, rather than thinking, ‘That’s just me.’
Let’s say the Critical Part is bashing you about an upcoming presentation, saying things like ‘You are terrible at public speaking! You are bound to look really anxious and tense, so everyone will think you are unprofessional and generally just an idiot.’ Notice that the Critical Part is trying to motivate you (make sure you prepare well, do your absolute best and nail the presentation) and protect you (if you mess this up people will judge and criticise you; then you might even lose your job, which would be awful).
So, roll your shoulders back and lengthen your spine, take a few deep breaths and respond calmly but firmly: ‘Critical Part, I know you’re trying to help. I also think you are freaking out about this presentation. But this isn’t helping – you are making me more anxious and stressed, which will actually make my performance worse.’
Then let that part know that you, Healthy Adult, grownup, strong, professional you, can handle the presentation. ‘I’ve got this. I will prepare thoroughly, do lots of deep breathing to calm myself down, then I’m sure it will be fine. So please step back and let me deal with this.’
The Critical Part then feels reassured and should, as requested, take a step back and be quiet. If not – and even if so – you may have to repeat this again, again and again. This part of you is deeply ingrained and is also very anxious, so needs lots of reassurance, negotiation, persuasion and compassion to calm down.
I really hope this helps, but I must emphasise that it’s not easy and takes consistent, repeated effort. But then everything important in life does, no?
Warm wishes,
Dan
Try this Mindfulness Technique to Help Quiet Your Mind
Image by Nathan Dumlao
One of the biggest misconceptions about mindfulness meditation is that you should be able to clear your mind of all thoughts – and that, if you can’t do that, you are somehow getting it wrong.
As anyone who has tried meditating knows, not only is it impossible to stop thinking – as if you could turn off some kind of mental tap – but also that the whole point of mindfulness meditation is to become aware of how your mind works.
And a central part of that is to begin noticing the ceaseless whirl of thoughts that accompanies you throughout your every waking moment. When you meditate, perhaps focusing on your breath, thoughts naturally and inevitably arise.
The point of the practice is to notice this, then gently escort your attention back to the breath. That is meditation, not achieving some perfect state of complete mental silence and tranquillity.
That said, there are times when we might want to quiet the mind. With my clients, that might be when their thoughts are racing, making them feel highly stressed, anxious or agitated. Or it could be to help with insomnia – especially those 3am ‘what if…’ worries when everything looks bleak and scary.
I recently tried a superb mindfulness practice designed to quickly and effectively quiet the mind. I loved it, so have tried it with my clients and it really seems to help them too. The practice is offered by meditation teacher Bodhipaksa (you can try it for yourself on Insight Timer – where you can also make a small donation, if you wish, to thank him).
The practice
Here is my version of the practice, for those who like to read and not just listen to instructions:
This practice takes around 10 minutes, so find a quiet time in your day when you won’t be disturbed. Switch your phone off, but set a timer for 10 minutes. Sit on a straight-backed chair or cushion, finding a posture that is upright but relaxed.
Start by becoming aware of the points of contact between your body and the cushion/chair/floor. Notice the weight of your arms and hands resting in your lap. Then shift your awareness to your breathing. You don’t have to change your breath in any way, just let your body breathe itself.
Normally in mindfulness of breathing we focus on one point in the body, like the nostrils, chest or stomach rising and falling. In this practice, we will try something different – start by bringing your attention to your upper back. Notice the muscles expanding on the in-breath and contracting on the out-breath. Keep your focus here for a minute.
Now, while still holding the back in your awareness, also focus on your belly rising and falling. Zoom right in to the contact between your skin and clothing. What’s that like? You might notice warmth, coolness, friction, softness, or perhaps nothing much at all, which is perfectly fine.
Then add an awareness of the breath entering and leaving your nostrils, flowing down your throat and into the lungs. So you are now holding three distinct parts of the body in your awareness, all at the same time.
You might start to notice a sort of dance between these three areas of the body, as the breath flows in and out. Stay with that for a few minutes until your timer goes off. Slowly and gently open your eyes.
When I have tried this practice, holding three separate areas in awareness is effortful. It’s not easy, so it takes up a lot of mental bandwidth. I found there wasn’t much left for thinking, so my mind automatically became quiet and still. I hope you find it helpful too.
Warm wishes,
Dan
How to Protect Your Mental Health in a Pandemic
Photo by Matt Duncan on Unsplash
As the pandemic nears a deeply unwelcome anniversary, many people are struggling. In the UK, it’s nearly a year since the first lockdown – a year like no other in most of our lifetimes. And that year has, of course, taken its toll on us, both physically and mentally.
When I speak to my clients about how to cope right now, I always start with this idea – it’s just a really hard time. It’s OK to be struggling. That doesn’t make you weak, or lacking in resilience, or whatever self-critical thoughts you might have. It just makes you human, like everyone else – and it’s a really hard time to be human right now.
Reasons for hope
That said, of course it’s crucial that we all do everything we can to look after our mental health at the moment. It seems to me that, having run a 12-month marathon, we are on the home straight. As I write this, 15 million people in the UK have received at least one dose of a Covid-19 vaccine.
This is a wonderful, miraculous thing. We should all be deeply grateful for the brilliant, unbelievably hard-working scientists who produced a vaccine in record-breaking time (as well as the tens of thousands of volunteers around the world who made successful vaccine trials possible). And to the heroes of our NHS – the doctors, nurses, physios, cleaners, receptionists and every other person who has risked their lives to save ours.
The vaccine, bit by bit, will give us all hope and eventually help us end this long, incredibly difficult time. But that doesn’t mean there is nothing we can do to help ourselves, right now, to make daily life easier.
Try these three things
As a therapist, I would like to share the three most important things I think you can do, today, to stay well as we tough out the final stretch of this hard year:
Remember that you have been through tough times before. Very few among us have never had to cope with tough times in our lives. Most of us have had our hearts broken, been divorced, or otherwise suffered for love. Many of us have dealt with bereavement (and all of us will, at some point in our lives). Maybe we have had tough times financially, lost a beloved home, or friend, or even a pet.
To be human is to suffer sometimes. But we humans are also remarkably strong and resilient. Usually, we find a way through, bounce back, even emerge from tough times feeling stronger. If any of that’s true of you, then you can cope with this too – you are way stronger than you think.
Find beauty in small things. There have been times this year, I must confess, when I found it hard to feel positive or hopeful about anything. Especially on cold, grey days in January, when every day was like Groundhog Day (wake up, breakfast, shower, dress, work, eat, Netflix, sleep, repeat), my mood was hovering somewhere down there with the temperature.
But even on those days, thanks to a long love affair with mindfulness meditation, I remembered to find beauty and meaning in small, beautiful things. A hug from my wife. A warm text from an old friend, or a grateful client. A goldfinch guzzling away on my bird feeder. Children laughing in the playground.
Even when things seem bleak, there is always beauty, always meaning, always reasons to be grateful for this one precious life, if we just stop, breathe and look for them.
Do something for others. There is a Pali word, Dana, which is roughly translated as generosity, or giving from the heart. And in every major religion – Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Islam, Christianity – there is a similar word or guidance to give selflessly to help others.
This could be volunteering at a foodbank, or training to be a volunteer vaccinator, or just checking in on an elderly neighbour from time to time. Not only does this help those who are struggling right now, there is good evidence that practicing altruistic giving is highly beneficial for your mental health. The very definition of a win-win situation, I would say.
Finally, please remember that just making it through the day is as much as some of us can do right now – and that’s perfectly fine. Just try to take care of yourself, be self-compassionate (I wrote about this in my last post) if you can. And remember that one day, this will all be over. We all just need to hang in there until it is.
Warm wishes,
Dan
The Link Between Trauma, Stress and Physical Illness
I have long been convinced of the link between traumatic experiences, especially in childhood, and physical ailments such as arthritis, eczema, digestive problems like irritable bowel syndrome and a whole host of other illnesses. So I found Dr Gabor Maté’s book, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress, to be intriguing.
Dr Maté (a physician working in palliative care and later with addiction in Canada) makes a strong, evidence-based case for the ways in which traumatic or stressful experiences in childhood and throughout our lives repeatedly trigger the stress response in our brain, which causes a cascade of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, as well as many other changes in the brain and body.
This is meant to be an urgent, life-saving response to threats such as predatory animals or aggressive tribes, which were the life-or-death threats humans faced for much of our evolutionary history (which is when our brains were, to a large extent, formed).
But when, say, you have a highly critical parent, putting you down every day throughout your childhood; you suffer abuse or neglect; or are unlucky enough to be raised in a high-conflict family, where the parents are always at each other’s throats, your stress response is being triggered, repeatedly, which the body is not designed to cope with.
Sadly, when combined with your particular genetic makeup, this can make you more vulnerable to a whole host of physical illnesses, including the big, scary ones like cancer, dementia or heart disease; and autoimmune conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS) or rheumatoid arthritis.
None of this is your fault
Of course, it’s really important to emphasise that this is not your fault in any way, or that – if you are ill now – you somehow brought this illness upon yourself. Dr Maté goes to great pains to explain that it’s the result of these repeated stressors impacting your growing brain and body, which may cause problems in later life. Nobody chooses to have a harsh, critical parent, or to suffer emotional neglect.
But what it does make crystal-clear to me is that, if you have had a highly stressful childhood, it is so important to get psychological help from someone like me (or any other well-trained therapist practising an effective, evidence-based form of therapy). Because none of this is fixed or irreversible – healing those wounds from childhood, learning to feel and healthily release your emotions, becoming less self-critical, more assertive and kinder/more compassionate to yourself… these are all the magic ingredients which form the medicine that combats the effects of your long-term stress.
Warm wishes,
Dan
Do You Have Trouble Managing Your Anger?
Anger is a tricky emotion. In pure evolutionary terms, anger is our signal to fight a threat, as part of the fight, flight or freeze response (anxiety is the emotion that tells us to freeze or flee).
This is all well and good if you are facing a hungry lion, but not so helpful if your boss has just criticised you, or another driver cuts you off in traffic. But this primitive, self-protective threat response explains why we can react so strongly, violently even, if we feel threatened – in a very crude way, that's what anger is for.
Most of my clients have some kind of problem with anger, roughly falling into two camps. The first group is scared of or uncomfortable with anger – theirs and other people's. If this describes you, it may be because one of your parents was given to angry outbursts, which as a child were very frightening.
That vulnerable child inside you learns to be scared of anger, even when you are – on the outside at least – now an adult. It's also possible that your family were rather buttoned-up, viewing any expression of anger as rude and uncivilised (a very British way to deal with anger!), so you learned to keep your angry feelings stuffed deep down inside you. As an adult, it's now hard to access and express them, even when it's appropriate to do so.
The other problematic form of anger is expressing it too often and too volcanically. This is the cause of domestic violence, bar brawls, violent crime, road/air/trolley rage and aggressive bullying. It's just as harmful as repressed anger, both to those around you and ultimately yourself – you will probably end up in serious trouble, perhaps even prison, if you cannot contain your anger and explode at the smallest provocation.
People with this 'anger style' may come from very angry, combustible families in which everyone was always shouting at/being aggressive to each other. They may also have been hurt, neglected or abused as children, so that child inside is absolutely furious at the world and can't help but express it, even when it's dangerous or destructive to do so.
The angry modes
In schema therapy, when people are expressing anger in a problematic way, we see this showing up as one of three angry modes. If you find yourself blowing up all the time, perhaps shouting or swearing at other people, being threatening or even physically violent, you are in Bully/Attack mode. This is the most problematic angry mode, so a major part of your therapy would involve learning how to respond to triggering situations in a calmer, more rational manner.
Anger-management strategies can be helpful here, as well as longer-term healing of schemas such as Abandonment, Mistrust/Abuse or Vulnerability that can trigger this attack-is-the-best-form-of-defence style of responding to threats or challenges.
The second mode, Angry Protector, is less destructive but still problematic. This is when you express anger in more subtle ways, perhaps non-verbally by scowling or with a closed-off body posture; with sarcasm or cutting humour; angrily complaining about or being harshly critical of other people.
This mode is all about keeping a distance between yourself and others, perhaps because deep down your vulnerable child is scared of attack or rejection. You may also be uncomfortable with any kind of criticism or challenge, so respond with subtle but unmistakeable shows of anger to shut that down.
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
The third mode is the most helpful, even if it doesn't at first appear that way! This is the Angry Child mode, and is evident in the way a person expresses their anger – often disproportionately to the perceived insult or infraction. You may have a tantrum, smashing or throwing objects (not to hurt others, just to release your anger). You might also get very tearful or upset.
And beneath the anger is always hurt, fear or sadness, so if we were working together I would help you express your anger in a non-attacking, non-destructive way, so we could contact and soothe the hurt, upset or fearful vulnerable child lying just beneath the angry surface.
When we get people into Angry Child mode, teach them how to express their anger verbally or by doing something safe but physical, like twisting a towel or punching a cushion, they experience a tremendous sense of relief – all the anger literally drains out of their bodies. It can then be deeply healing and soothing to deal with the hurt that lies beneath – over time, your anger subsides as you feel happier, safer, stronger and calmer.
Warm wishes,
Dan
What Are Unhelpful Thinking Styles in Cognitive Therapy?
Image by Tachina Lee
Although difficult life events such as financial setbacks, divorce or family conflict are hard for anyone to deal with, you make these events either easier or harder to deal with because of your thoughts and beliefs about them. This is the basic principle in cognitive therapy, which is why cognitive therapists such as myself place so much importance on understanding the way people think, especially when they are upset.
If you can become aware of your automatic thoughts (which run through your head all day, providing a commentary on things you see, say and do) you can then start to identify unhelpful ways of thinking and try to change them.
What are negative automatic thoughts?
Negative automatic thoughts, or NATs, are the ones most strongly linked to unpleasant feelings like anger, hurt or anxiety. For example, when you feel angry you may be thinking someone has disrespected you, or endangered you or your loved ones in some way. When you are anxious, you may be worried about future threats such as redundancy or health problems.
Either way, in cognitive therapy we see the NATs as the source of your problem, because they are often exaggerated or based on interpretations, judgements or perceptions rather than concrete evidence.
It's also a vicious circle, because when we are upset the volume of NATs increases and we are more likely to use unhelpful ways of thinking rather than perceiving things as they are. Everyone does this, to a greater or lesser extent, and we all tend to use certain kinds of thinking more than others.
If you want to change unhelpful ways of thinking, identifying your own commonly-used thinking styles is a good place to start. Take a look at the following list and see which seem familiar to you.
Unhelpful thinking styles
1. All-or-nothing thinking. This is when you look at things as absolutes: good/bad, success/failure, black/white. There's no room for shades of grey.
Examples: If I don't get an A on this test I'll be a total failure. Second place is for losers.
2. Catastrophising. Exaggerating how bad things have been or will be, using words like ‘awful’, ‘nightmare’ or ‘disaster’.
Examples: If she breaks up with me it will be a nightmare. God, this party is bound to be a disaster.
3. Overgeneralisation. You view a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat, or take one situation that doesn't work out to mean that life is always this way.
Examples: That dinner party didn’t go well – I must be a terrible host. My partner seemed really grumpy with me last night – she’s obviously going off me and thinking about ending it.
4. Mental filter. You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives. So, if your university tutor gives you a glowing assessment including one mild criticism, that’s what you fixate on.
Example: My appraisal seemed to go well, but all I can think about is that criticism of my grammar.
5. Discounting the positive. You reject all positive experiences, compliments or praise by telling yourself, ‘They don't count’, or ‘They're just saying that to be polite.’
Examples: That’s really kind, but anyone could have done it. We did get the best sales figures ever, but it’s all down to my team – I didn’t have much to do with it.
6. Jumping to conclusions. Making assumptions with little or no evidence, in two ways:
a) Mind reading. You assume you know what people are thinking – and it’s usually negative.
Examples: I know this girl thinks I'm boring. I’m sure they’re judging me behind their smiles.
b) Fortune-telling. You think you can predict the future – and assume things will turn out badly.
Examples: I definitely failed that test. I’m bound to be the one who gets made redundant.
7. Permission-giving thinking. Finding excuses to do something that provides short-term pleasure or relief but causes long-term difficulties.
Examples: I’ve had a really stressful day so I deserve another whisky. I feel a bit down today so I’ll buy that dress/those shoes/that flatscreen TV and worry about it later.
8. Emotional reasoning. This is when you assume something is true because you feel it so strongly, assuming that your negative emotions reflect the way things really are.
Examples: I’m so anxious I just know this plane will crash. I feel so jealous, I know he’s cheating.
9. Should statements. Placing excessively harsh demands on yourself, others or the world by using the words ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘have to’ or ‘ought to’.
Examples: I should be happier, what’s wrong with me? I have to lose 10lb or I’m pathetic.
10. Labelling. Calling yourself or others names like ‘idiot’, ‘failure’ or ‘bastard’.
Examples: I’m rubbish at maths – I’m such a failure. That Mrs Jones is such a witch.
Warm wishes,
Dan
The Anger-Management Skills Everyone Needs to Know
Image by Piermanuele Sberni
Pick up a newspaper, watch a movie or the TV news and you'll get the message, loud and clear, that anger is a Very Bad Thing. Road rage, desk rage, trolley rage – if we believe the media then anger is scary, destructive and something we should avoid at all costs.
In fact, the problem is not anger, it's aggression: the unhealthy distortion of a perfectly natural emotion. Like sadness, fear or love, anger is neither good nor bad, it just is.
The problem comes when you express anger in one of two dysfunctional ways: you become aggressive and struggle to control your angry outbursts, using threatening language and behaviour to exert control over others.
When you’re seething inside
Or passive, becoming scared of anger – both your own and other people's – meaning that you give away your power, struggling to impose yourself on the world or fight back when bullied, even though you might be seething inside.
Both distortions of anger can be extremely damaging. The first damages those around you, as you attack or intimidate them. Eventually, of course, if you keep lashing out you cause problems for yourself too – when your destructive behaviour gets you sacked, divorced or arrested.
If you belong to the second group, you mostly hurt yourself – bottling up your anger causes stress, anxiety, depression, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, stroke... the list goes on.
Assertiveness, not aggression
Either way, you need to learn how to express anger cleanly and healthily – responding with appropriate, proportionate anger in situations that demand it (a rude co-worker; a bullying spouse; a salesman trying to rip you off). Anger gets a very bad press, but if felt and expressed healthily it's a great source of power and strength. The whole evolutionary purpose of anger is to protect yourself and those you love from attack. So the key is to be assertive, not passive or aggressive.
Some of humanity's greatest leaders have been the living embodiment of assertiveness, like Gandhi or Martin Luther King. Both practised non-violence, but transformed the lives of millions of people through sheer determination: they could not be bullied or intimidated, and maintained great dignity in the face of brutality and aggression.
If you would like to be more assertive, next time someone upsets you try this exercise:
1. Get the person's attention. This won't work if they're reading the paper or fiddling with their Blackberry.
2. Describe the behaviour you found difficult. Do this without personalising it or making accusations. Just stick to the facts: 'In that meeting you kept interrupting, talking over me and dismissing my ideas.'
3. Tell them how it made you feel. Use 'I statements' and take responsibility for your feelings: 'When you constantly interrupt me I find it frustrating and annoying.' Avoid emotions like anger, hurt or jealousy, because these will undermine your attempt to be assertive.
4. Check your interpretation and ask them to respond. Your interpretation of events may have been completely inaccurate, so it's very useful to check them against reality. 'Do you think you interrupted a lot? Did you feel dismissive of my ideas?'
5. Listen to the other person's response. Try to be non-defensive (this can be hard, but it will really help) and expect their interpretation to be different than yours. That's OK – they are entitled to their opinion, but you don't have to accept it.
6. Tell them how you would like it to be. This means expressing preferences ('I would appreciate it if you stop interrupting me in meetings'), not demands ('I'm sick of you interrupting – don't ever do it again!').
Of course, this is a bit of a lengthy process. Once you've got the hang of it you can boil it down to a much shorter exchange. And if you do this, regularly, you'll be amazed at the difference it makes to the way you feel and the relationships with your partner, family and colleagues.
Because it's so important, I would like to repeat this: expressing your anger healthily does not mean attacking anyone else, either verbally or physically. That is both unhealthy and destructive for all concerned. Managing your anger is about finding ways to be more assertive, expressing what you really feel and need without lashing out or stuffing your angry feelings.
Warm wishes,
Dan
Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Person
I recently wrote a post about Elaine Aron's wonderful book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. I also admitted that it was a particular eye-opener for me because I realised she is writing about me – I am a highly sensitive person and proud of it. And probably at least 50% of my clients are HSPs too, so this concept has helped me immensely, both personally and professionally.
As a follow-up, here are three of the things I have realised about how we highly sensitive folk need to take care of ourselves day to day:
We need time to process. Sometimes, in my downtime between seeing clients, writing up session notes, and all the many other things I do as part of my (wonderful) job as a therapist, I notice that I am compulsively surfing the Web. Having recently take a break from social media, I realised that looking at The Guardian's website and depressing myself with the latest scary thing happening in the world, or just reading football-related nonsense, was my new digital addiction. I also realised that it made me feel, well, just bad. HSPs need time to process stuff, because we are so attuned to every detail of what is happening that it's easy to get flooded (what Aron calls being over-aroused). So more mindfulness for me, less scary news and screen time.
Slow is (generally) good. Linked to the first point, because being an HSP means that our central nervous system is unusually sensitive (which is neither good nor bad, just a largely genetic trait), we get easily overwhelmed by things. Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, traffic, too much information, too many strong emotions, big crowds, strangers, public speaking, aggressive or loud people... the list is a long one but will be unique to you – some of these may be triggers for you, some not, but you will definitely have your triggers. Personally, I like to talk and think about things slowly. I am more into deep thinking and powerful, one-to-one conversations than social chit-chat. Slow is good for me, even if I don't always remember that.
Alone time helps us recharge. As Elaine Aron points out, not all HSPs are introverts. You can be a highly sensitive extrovert, but common sense says that most HSPs will prefer small groups, close friends or time alone. I am certainly one of those – although I love seeing clients all day, or even teaching large groups, I do find some alone time in the day invaluable. It helps me rest and recharge, as well as giving time for processing everything I have thought, seen and experienced that day (see point one). As with all of these points, it's important to remember that none of this is good or bad, it's just how I and probably most people reading this are wired. Learning to love and accept yourself as you are is a crucial component of schema therapy, so recognise your need to be alone sometimes and carve out that time for yourself.
Warm wishes,
Dan
How Chronic Pain and Illness Affect Your Mood
Image by Toa Heftiba
As I sit writing this, I am in a moderate amount of pain. Like millions of people around the world, I suffer from chronic musculoskeletal (back and hip) problems, so most days come with either a small or large dose of pain, depending on how well I am looking after myself, how stressed I am, how much sitting I do that day, and various other factors.
Having been in some degree of daily pain for almost two years now, I have learned a few things about the relationship between physical pain and mental suffering:
It's important to distinguish between 'primary' and 'secondary' pain. I learned this from Vidyamala Burch, founder of the excellent Breathworks. This organisation provides the Mindfulness-Based Pain Management programme, which has a strong research base behind it and helps many people in the UK and beyond deal with chronic pain and illness.
Burch also co-wrote Mindfulness for Health: A Practical Guide to Relieving Pain, Reducing Stress and Restoring Wellbeing with Danny Penman. In this superb book the authors explain that primary pain is the actual raw data caused by, say, a gash in your leg. Intriguingly, the majority of the pain you end up experiencing is secondary – the pain created by your brain as it amplifies that raw data, depending on the way you think about and respond to your primary pain.
This only became clear to me recently when I visited my osteopath during a bad patch physically, feeling down and hopeless about resolving my problems. He reminded me that the pain was significantly better now than when I first came to see him; and that it was crucial to remain as positive as possible, because my negative thoughts ('I will never get over this'; 'Nothing will help'; 'I can't stand the pain any more') were undoubtedly making the pain worse (this is essentially what the Buddha taught – that human life inevitably involves pain, but we create suffering by our response to that pain. But that's a topic for another day).
Managing the pain
I think it's important to note here just how hard it is to maintain a positive, optimistic mood in the face of chronic pain or illness. As anyone with a long-term condition knows, it grinds you down, especially when it flares up or your symptoms get worse for whatever reason. Please don't think I underestimate the impact of physical ailments on your mood – it is a struggle and gets everyone down from time to time, as well as causing stress and worry/anxiety about the future.
I couldn't understand that vicious cycle any better. But once you understand the relationship between pain sensations in the body and the way that your brain either amplifies or minimises those sensations, it seems crucial to me that you do all you can to use your brain/mind to help your body.
When I first hurt my back and was really struggling, Vidyamala Burch's guided meditations really helped pull me through. Visit her website (www.vidyamala-burch.com) to find out more. And if you are dealing with chronic pain or illness, my thoughts and well wishes go out to you – I hope you get the medical help you need and manage to overcome your problem soon.
Warm wishes,
Dan
Schema Therapy or CBT – Which is Right for You?
Image by Morgan Housel
If you are struggling with psychological problems, you may be thinking about having some therapy – but which kind of therapy should you choose? I am trained in both cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) and schema therapy – two of the most effective forms of 'talking therapy' currently available – and provide schema therapy at my North London practice. Here is a guide to which therapy is the best fit for different kinds of problems...
CBT is widely recognised to be the most effective, evidence-based form of therapy ever created. Founded by Dr Aaron Beck in the 1960s (originally as just 'cognitive therapy' – the B was added later on), CBT has been proven to be effective at treating depression, anxiety disorders such as OCD or health anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia, eating disorders, anger management problems, addiction... the list goes on.
If your problem is relatively short-term (for example, one episode of depression rather than many); if you are functioning fairly well in most aspects of your life, but struggling with a specific problem like anxiety or depression; if you would prefer a short-term treatment; and if, perhaps, you have had CBT before and found it helpful, or have been recommended CBT by your GP or another medical professional, then CBT is probably the right choice for you. It is always possible to have CBT to reduce upsetting symptoms, such as panic attacks, and then move on to schema therapy afterwards to address more deep-rooted problems.
When schema therapy is the best option
In general, it's best to opt for schema therapy (ST) if your problems are longstanding – for example, if you have been struggling with recurrent episodes of depression for much of your life. Problems related to a difficult childhood, to extremely critical parents, say, or if you experienced abuse, neglect or traumatic incidents as a child, are best treated with schema therapy.
CBT will be helpful up to a point, but schema therapy is designed to heal painful/unhelpful ways of thinking, feeling and behaving at a deep level – otherwise you may find problems coming back after therapy when you experience a period of stress, say, or a relationship breakup.
Schema therapy was developed by Dr Jeffrey Young in the 1990s to treat people with personality problems – especially Borderline Personality Disorder, which can have a profound effect on someone's life and was poorly treated before approaches like schema therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) came along.
Because it's intended to help with deep-rooted problems, schema therapy is a slower, longer-term approach than CBT. Generally, I tell my clients that 20 sessions are the minimum – and therapy can last for a year or more for really hard-to-treat problems. It's important to note that schema therapy is not just for personality problems – it is now used to treat all of the difficulties people seek therapy for.
In terms of how it feels to have ST versus CBT, I would say that schema therapy is a warmer, more compassionate, more nurturing approach than CBT. It's much more focused on the relationship between therapist and client, rather than specific techniques to change thinking or behaviour, which form the bulk of treatment in CBT. But of course because schema therapy is just a newer form of cognitive therapy, all of the CBT techniques are still available, if I think they will be helpful for you.
Warm wishes,
Dan
Why Exercise is Key for Good Mental Health
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Most psychological problems – such as chronic stress, anxiety or depression – will require some kind of psychological treatment, especially if they persist over time. But it's easy to underestimate the impact of direct physical interventions on psychological problems.
Partly, of course, this is because the whole separation of mind and body is an artificial one – your mind is the product of your brain; hormones play a key role in regulating your moods; psychological problems such as stress and anxiety have a whole range of physiological symptoms... In reality, your mind and body are inextricably linked, with an exquisitely complex feedback system between the two.
So it should come as no surprise that regular physical exercise is key to good mental health. Think of exercise in two main areas: cardiovascular and relaxing. Cardio exercise such as cycling, dancing, racquet sports, football, brisk walking or swimming, weight training or martial arts burns off hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol that are produced when we are anxious or stressed.
Just 20 minutes of moderate exercise gives you a shot of endorphins, which help you feel happy and calm; and regular cardio exercise is proven to be just as effective as antidepressants for mild to moderate depression (and with no nasty side effects).
Stress-relieving exercise
Relaxing exercise includes yoga, tai chi, gentle swimming or slow walking and is an excellent stress-reliever, especially if you do it in a green space, such as your local park. This kind of exercise activates the relaxation response, which balances out the stress response and helps you feel calmer and more relaxed. If you are suffering from depression, you may lack the energy to do more vigorous exercise, but it's really important to do something even if it's just a walk round the block.
So if you're stressed out, struggling with an anxiety problem or depressed, remember that exercise will really help – and if the problem is short-term, it may be all you need to regain your equilibrium and feel better, so why not give it a try?
Warm wishes,
Dan