How to Stay Sane in the Age of Social Media

Image by Marvin Meyer

When you think about it, our relationship with technology is a strange thing. Sometimes I walk down the road, or travel on the Tube – and every single person I see is staring at their phone.

How did that happen? In the space of just a few years, we have gone from a species that talked to each other, read books or the newspaper, or perhaps just stared into space and daydreamed of our next holiday, or a date with that gorgeous new guy at work, to a species that is glued to some form of screen, pretty much every waking moment of our lives.

Very strange. It’s particularly odd when you also understand that the human brain is just not built for all this digital stimulation. Your brain, and mine, are built for the environment that our ancestors lived in for millions of years. Living in small bands, out in the wilderness, in total silence apart from weather, birdsong, the humming of insects and cries of larger animals.

No phones. No TVs. No radios, even. So all of our stimulation came from Nature – watching the sunset, summer meadows bursting with wildflowers, or hazy mountains in the distance. And from each other, of course. Our brains are so strongly wired to be social that many neuroscientists see the brain as something that exists both within and between us – a ‘social brain’ that needs inputs from other brains to function optimally.

The social media boom

One of the strangest – and, I think, trickiest – aspects of this digital revolution is the recent boom in social media consumption. A quick Google search tells me that there are currently 206 million Twitter users worldwide, a billion people on Instagram and almost three billion Facebook users! That’s over a third of the 7.9 billion people currently living on our planet.

In many ways, this has been a positive thing for humanity. Think about those social brains, primed to interact and share information with others. It’s one reason we use all of these social media platforms, so we can share photos of our holiday on Facebook, for example, or wedding shots on Instagram. This helps us feel bonded with those we love, which can only be a good thing.

But, as has been well-documented, all of this social-media use has some major downsides. I think many people over-share, desperately seeking likes, retweets and other dopamine-inducing activity. This worries me, as s people don’t seem to realise that once you share something on the internet it’s out there, forever.

So what might seem like a good idea when you’re 20 (all those wild festival photos, or drunken holiday antics with your mates), may not feel so good when you’re 30 and applying for some serious job.

Protecting your mental health online

As the internet, smartphones and social media are likely to be a fixture in our lives for many years, here are a few guidelines for navigating this tricky territory safely, for yourself and others…

1. You’re not always right – and other people are not always wrong. One of the most damaging aspects of, say, Twitter, is that it pushes us to adopt binary, right-or-wrong, black-or-white positions. We feel passionately about our position, as a pro- or anti-vaxxer, for example, which quickly leads to being in a camp of us or them.

   It’s fine to have strong opinions and even to express them, in whatever way feels good for you. I am a passionately political person, with strong views on all sorts of stuff. But I never get into arguments on Twitter. If someone politely disagrees with me, that is perfectly OK. If they are rude, aggressive or offensive, I immediately block them (and report them if necessary) and move on. Angry Twitter rants are destructive to your mental health and, I’m afraid, will almost never persuade them to change their minds.

2. Spread kindness, not hostility. Imagine if, instead of us all getting angry and ranty all the time, we instead tweeted, retweeted and generally posted positive, kind, compassionate messages. The ripple effect of this would be a beautiful thing – everyone actually being nice to each other, praising, liking, encouraging… (It’s a little idealistic, I know, but why not dream?).

   At the very least, we can politely disagree with those whose views are different. And I think we did, a lot more, before social media swept across the internet and into our lives. For example, I am very much a left-wing person and always have been. I have voted Labour in every election since I was 18.

   But I am always interested in other people’s views, as long as they are not too extreme or hateful. I’m curious about those who disagree with me and why they think what they do. Sometimes I have to admit that, on a particular issue, their view makes more sense than mine, however irksome that may be. If we all had a bit more tolerance of difference, the world would undoubtedly be a better, kinder, less angry place.

3. Trauma-informed social media use. If you have a trauma history, social media can be especially difficult. My first suggestion would be to go easy on the news in your feed, especially about scary or upsetting events that are out of your control. We all consume far too much violent, negative media – news stories, TV programmes, movies, books and video games. And it has an effect, particularly if trauma is in your background. So limit your news diet, especially if you are struggling with your mental health in any way.

   Points one and two are especially true for you – please don’t get involved with people who are abusive or aggressive. Block, delete and move on.

Tread lightly around areas that might be triggering for you. If you experienced abuse of any kind as a child, reading/hearing about/watching anything on that theme might be really tough, so be kind to yourself and if it’s making you uncomfortable, step away from the screen. We don’t have to know about or be on top of every issue, or breaking news story, so it’s fine to let something slide by and do something that feels more nourishing for you instead.

Finally, it’s important to figure out what the Buddha called the ‘middle way’ with all of this. Most of us use social media in some fashion, so it’s hard to go cold turkey and give it up completely. There are lots of kind, decent people online – because most people are kind and decent, even if it doesn’t always seem that way on Facebook or Twitter.

There are also lots of stories about inspiring, uplifting, hope-inducing things, so try to focus on those and go easy on the angry, upsetting stuff. Life’s hard enough already without looking at the world through a cracked, distorted, designed-to-outrage lens.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Compassion for the Planet

Image by Elena Mozhvilo

As we build up to the COP26 climate summit here in the UK, I wanted to share a few thoughts about the importance of compassion, for yourself, other people – both near and far – and all life on this planet. We are clearly facing a grave threat right now, as climate change heats our precious planet to levels that are already causing severe weather such as unusually powerful hurricanes and freakishly/unsustainably high temperatures, like the near-50C heat recorded in Vancouver this summer.

Melting ice caps, catastrophic flooding, wildfires raging across the globe… It’s easy to feel hopeless and defeated right now (and I often do, believe me – the news can be overwhelming at the moment). But I refuse to be defeatist, because I passionately believe that just as humanity created this crisis, so we can solve it. Despite our many faults as a species, humans are remarkably intelligent, creative and downright tenacious when we throw our collective weight behind solving large-scale problems.

Just look at the pandemic – humanity mobilised and developed a safe, highly effective range of vaccines in record time. I am lucky enough to have had my booster jab recently and feel both humbled and deeply grateful for the many brilliant scientists and medical staff who have come together to protect me and my loved ones from this awful disease.

Why compassion is the answer

So just giving up and allowing greedy corporations, such as the oil and gas industry, to destroy our children’s future is not an option. I think we should all do everything in our power to tackle climate change, from driving and flying less, eating less meat, buying less stuff, using less plastic… right up to pressuring our politicians and corporations to change their behaviour in every way we can.

As consumers, we all have tremendous individual power to change things, if we only realise that and use it (imagine if the whole UK population collectively boycotted Tesco, for example, until they stopped selling rainforest-destroying beef. I guarantee you they would take it off the shelves in double-quick time!).

And to do that, we all need to harness the uniquely human skill of compassion. Remember that compassion involves two steps: first empathy, so we imagine what it’s like for another person (or sea turtle, wild salmon or polar bear) to be suffering, really putting ourselves in their position and feeling that suffering from the inside. Then making a conscious decision to do everything in our power to help relieve their suffering.

The Buddha taught us that this beautiful thing, compassion, is a force we should direct to ourselves, those we love and care about, then those we don’t like so much and out and out, in ever-expanding waves, to all living beings. That means every human on this planet. All mammals, reptiles, birds, fish, insects – even microbes, without whom you could not survive a single day! And of course every plant and tree on the planet too, which are also essential for our survival (you know that oxygen you just inhaled? Mostly from plants).

Do what you can

I’m not saying that everyone has to start living a perfect life, or turn into Greta Thunberg over night. Just do what you can. It’s not that hard for us all to turn down the heating; drive less (or even better, switch to an electric car); only fly once a year, if at all; eat less meat; drink tap water instead of bottled, and so on.

You can also donate to my favourite charity, the WWF, using the button below, if you can afford it and wish to do so. So please, be compassionate. Do what you can. Show a little love for this beautiful, miraculous, life-giving planet we all inhabit. Your children and their children will thank you for it, I promise you that.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try This Healing Self-Compassion Practice Every Day

Image by Ravi Pinisetti

I wrote a recent post about how to use Compassionate Breathing to help calm yourself down and regulate your nervous system (here’s a step-by-step practice I recorded for Insight Timer). You can use these two steps as a standalone practice, or try them as part of a four-stage practice that I use with all of my clients, which adds a couple of stages focused on developing self-compassion.

Again, I have recorded an audio version for Insight Timer – and you can watch the video, below, for a step-by-step guide to this simple, powerful practice. Before you try it, you will need to be acquainted with the vulnerable little boy or girl inside, who we direct the compassion to. This idea comes from both schema therapy and internal family systems therapy, so have a read of these pages first, if you would like. (This is not essential, but will make the practice more powerful for you).

THE PRACTICE

1. Adjust Your Posture. Make sure your feet are flat and grounded on the floor, then let your shoulders gently roll back so your chest feels open. Now lengthen your spine – sit upright but relaxed, with your head, neck and spine in alignment. Imagine an invisible piece of string attached to the top of your head, pulling you gently upright.

Sitting in this position helps you feel grounded, alert and stronger in your core. There is a lot of research on the link between your posture and mood, so just a simple adjustment in your posture can help you feel a bit more energised and stronger, with a slight uplift in your energy and mood.

2. Compassionate Breathing. Close your eyes, take deep, slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Your breaths should be roughly four seconds in, four seconds out – try counting the in-breath for one, two, three, four… then the out-breath for the same count. Imagine that your abdomen is like a balloon, inflating on the in-breath, deflating on the out-breath. Keep breathing, noticing everything slowing down and letting your muscles start to relax.

Breathing this way should help you feel calmer within a minute or so, but if you have time, I recommend extending the practice for up to five minutes – it’s just deep breathing, so you can’t do it too much! I also love this practice because you can do it anywhere – on the bus, in a difficult meeting, at your desk…

3. Supportive Touch. Gently place a hand over your heart in a friendly, supportive manner. Feel the warmth under your hand and imagine it trickling down until it reaches the hurt little girl or boy inside. Imagine that’s a warm, kind, healing energy that soothes this frightened or upset part of you.

4. Compassionate Self-Talk. Now talk to your little self the way you would to a troubled friend. Try to use a voice tone that’s warm, slow and reassuring. Say things like “Oh, Little Jane/James, I know you’re struggling right now – I really see how scared/upset/angry you are... But I want you to know that you’re not alone... I’m here with you... I care about you... I’ve got you... And we will get through this together...”’

Try this every day. You can play around with just using steps one and two, which are easier and can be done anywhere. And then add steps three and four when you’re alone and have time.

I very much hope that, over time, this will help you feel calmer and more relaxed; as well as generating self-compassion, which is a key skill in trauma recovery.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Watch My New Heal Your Trauma Video: What is Trauma?

We hear the word ‘trauma’ used often these days – in the mainstream media and on social media, by experts, celebrities and normal, everyday people who have gone through traumatic events. But what do we mean by psychological trauma? Which kinds of experiences can be traumatic for us? What are the short- and long-term effects of those experiences? And, crucially, can traumatic wounds ever be healed?

In the first of a series of short webinars I will be recording for my YouTube channel, I attempt to answer the above questions. In this 20-minute webinar I explain:

• Why I think that the standard clinical definitions of trauma are too narrow

• Why traumatic events don’t necessarily cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)

• How trauma affects every level of your mind-body system

• And, most importantly, why it is never too much and never too late to heal, whatever you might have gone through and however wounded you may be as a result

I am currently working on a series of full-length webinars for my Heal Your Trauma project, which you will be able to watch either live, or access the recording to watch at a later date. In the meantime, do check out my YouTube channel, listen to my guided meditations on Insight Timer, and you can sign up for my newsletter, using the form below, so you can be the first to hear about these resources as I make them available.

I very much hope you enjoy the webinar and find it helpful.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Learning to Deal with Loss is Part of Living a Human Life

Image by Valiphotos

One of the Buddha’s many great insights was that humans cause a great deal of our own suffering by constantly wanting things to be different than they are. He realised (2,500 years before Western psychology) that it’s in our nature to grasp after pleasant, enjoyable experiences; and push away and avoid ‘aversive’, or unpleasant experiences. We all do this, all the time, including me.

And one of the aversive experiences we all struggle with is that of loss. This is why bereavement is so painful for us, or the end of a cherished relationship. As I write this, leaves on the trees in my garden are turning orange, red and yellow, then fluttering to the ground, signalling the end of summer and the slow but inexorable slide into winter. As spring signifies life – green shoots everywhere, flowers bursting into bloom, days getting longer and warmer – so autumn reminds us that time marches on, summer ending, days shortening and growing colder.

Why loss is so painful

I have lost deeply loved people in my life, and felt that loss reverberate for months or even years. I have also had my heart broken many times, so deeply understand from the inside what it is to lose and why that is so viscerally painful. But I wouldn’t change any of these experiences, however hard they were, because that sorrow meant something. It meant that I loved these people deeply. It meant that losing them was big, and significant, and mattered.

It’s a cliche, I know, but to love deeply means making yourself vulnerable to being hurt. And that’s because we open our hearts, letting our defences and barriers down – because we have to, or we would never truly feel love. And what is life without love? Well, it’s safe, (reasonably) predictable and feels somewhat more in control. But it’s also lonely, flat and a bit empty, because humans are wired for love.

I have written extensively about attachment and the way we are wired to attach to our mother (then father, siblings, grandparents, and so on) from the very moment of our birth. I have also written a lot about the way our hunter-gatherer ancestors lived for millions of years – in small bands, out in the wilds, connected to each other in tight, tribal bonds for life.

Learning to accept loss

So you are wired for love, connection, attachment – it’s in your DNA. But of course, for some people, this is not easy. If you have a trauma history, forming long-term, loving, stable relationships might be difficult for you. But I would very much hope you get some help in changing that, in making your attachment style more secure. That is, in my opinion, one of the key goals of any trauma-informed therapy – it’s certainly something I aim for with all of my clients.

I also hope you work on accepting the hard fact that loss is part of living a human life. We all lose people we love. We all get our hearts broken sometime. We might lose a job, a business, our health. And, of course, in the end we all lose life itself. This is probably the hardest thing we all have to face – and it’s why Buddhists practice a wide range of meditations specifically designed to help the meditator accept the inescapable reality that we will all die sometime.

“Don’t run away from grief, o soul,
Look for the remedy inside the pain,
because the rose came from the thorn
and the ruby came from a stone.”

— Rumi

This may all seem a bit gloomy – if so, I’m sorry. But to me it’s not gloomy, it is actually deeply freeing to accept that loss comes to us all, in many guises. Because what’s the alternative? To spend our lives desperately trying to avoid the truth of our mortality? Then we also probably hate the fact that we’re ageing, spending a small fortune on this magical, ‘age-reversing’ serum or that surgical enhancement. That’s no way to live, in my opinion – we all age, whether we like it or not, so why not embrace those wrinkles, your lovely grey hair? I know it’s hard, but the alternative is much harder.

I strongly believe that we only have one wild, beautiful, miraculous life. This is it. So shouldn’t we embrace life in all its joy and sadness? Shouldn’t we learn to cherish each second, to feel everything, fully and deeply? Otherwise we may be wasting precious days and weeks and months running away from something that can’t be outrun.

Allow yourself to be sad. To cry. To grieve for the beautiful people and things that you have lost.

Only then will you be fully alive.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Listen to My Guided Meditations on Insight Timer

Image by Sage Friedman

I recently joined Insight Timer as a teacher – and will be recording and uploading breathing techniques, guided imagery and meditations over the coming weeks. If you haven’t tried it yet, Insight Timer is a free meditation app – you can choose to make a donation, if you want to, but there is no obligation to do so and you can find thousands of free meditations from hundreds of teachers.

These cover every length of practice and subject you can imagine – you will also find meditations, teaching and courses from leading figures in the trauma therapy field, such as Richard Schwartz, Kristin Neff and Dan Siegel.

I have used the app myself for many years, so am excited to be joining its global community of teachers. My first practice is the Compassionate Breathing technique I teach to all of my clients, and use myself, on a daily basis. (I wrote about this in my last post, which also features a step-by-step video guide).

This is a simple but highly effective practice that you can use any time you’re feeling stressed, anxious, angry, agitated or upset. Over time, it will help regulate your nervous system – which is important, especially if you have a trauma history – and help you feel calmer, more relaxed and at peace in your daily life.

If you would like to try this, or any of my other practices, just click on the button below.

I very much hope you enjoy them.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Healing from Trauma is a Process – Give it Time

Image by Jeremy Bishop

There are many things I find myself repeating, over and over, to my clients. Near the top of my list of oft-repeated phrases is, ‘I’m afraid there is no quick fix. Healing from trauma is a process and takes as long as it needs to.’

Of course, I understand that if you are suffering – whether that’s with depression, daily stress and anxiety, or any other painful feelings – you want that suffering to end, as quickly as possible. It’s only human to want that – if I have a headache, I take painkillers because I want to get rid of the pain as soon as I can. Nobody likes to be in pain and we are all hard-wired to avoid it, or try to reduce it in any way we can.

It’s just that, especially with long-term, deep-rooted psychological problems, healing from them cannot be rushed and takes time. That is even more true of trauma-related issues, which can affect every part of you – your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, cardiovascular, immune, nervous, musculoskeletal and hormonal systems, as well as the internal system of parts that live inside your mind.

No quick fix

Perhaps the closest things we have to quick fixes in psychology are medications like antidepressants and short-term therapies such as cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), so let’s think about these options first. Starting with medication, it’s important to understand that for some people it can be extremely helpful, but can take a long time to start working and doesn’t help everyone.

If you are really struggling, especially with depression, by all means try antidepressants and see if they help – they can also work well combined with various forms of talking therapy. But they can only ever offer symptom-relief, so – especially if you have a trauma history – they will never get to the root of your problems, because they are not designed to do that.

(It’s important to note here that, if you are taking medication, you should never stop taking it without consulting your GP or psychiatrist, as this can cause serious problems).

CBT is an excellent form of therapy that works incredibly well for all sorts of problems. I would say it’s especially good at treating fairly recent or short-term problems, or specific problems like phobias and other anxiety disorders. But again, the standard CBT model was never designed for long-term, deep-rooted problems like complex trauma. It might help with the cognitive, emotional and behavioural symptoms caused by those problems, but it won’t address your underlying issues.

The start of my journey

I realised recently that I went for my first-ever counselling session in 1992, to help me deal with the sudden and traumatic loss of my father – so I have been on my healing journey for almost 30 years! I had never really thought about going to therapy before that – and had certainly never imagined training as a counsellor or psychotherapist. But that first experience, of being helped through my grief by a kind, warm and deeply empathic person, opened my eyes to the healing potential of therapy.

This led me to my first counselling training, in a transpersonal therapy called Psychosysnthesis and – despite a winding road that led me first into journalism, before returning to the therapy world and restarting my training – it is a path I have been walking every since.

In that time I have experienced all sorts of therapy, both as client and professional, have found deep solace in a daily meditation practice, learned a great deal about the mind, brain and body, and both what harms and heals this exquisitely complex system. I now have a healthy diet, try to get plenty of sleep, don’t drink much, am lucky enough to have a loving, supportive wife and to have found work that I am passionate about and is deeply meaningful for me.

Healing is a lifelong process

But it took me most of my 53 years on this planet to get here – and I will be doing all of these helpful things, as well as learning, growing, changing and healing every day for the rest of my life. So, another thing I tell my clients (who must get fed up of hearing it!) is that healing doesn’t begin and end with a course of therapy, whether that’s CBT, schema therapy, internal family systems, or any of the many wonderful models available to us.

Healing is a lifelong process. Our minds and bodies need daily exercise, meditation, yoga, sleep, nutritious food, time in Nature, a safe place to live, meaningful work, good friends, loving partners, caring therapists, taking care of our internal system of parts, inspiring films, podcasts and books, comforting music, daily fun and laughter, awe-inspiring experiences, soul-nourishing travel… We all need as many of these helpful things as we can get, every day.

So, please try to be patient. Healing cannot be rushed, however frustrated we may feel, or urgent it might seem. Like all good things, it takes time.

But also know that it is always possible, however bad things have been for you, however much you are suffering today, however hopeless things may seem right now. I know this from my own experience and from helping people heal their trauma every single day.

Trust the process and your trauma can be healed – wishing you all the best with that journey,

Dan

The Revolution in Trauma Therapy – and Why Your Trauma Can Be Healed

Image by Frank McKenna

Over the last 30 years, there has been a revolution in the treatment of mental health problems. Gone are the days when some stern, unsympathetic psychiatrist would give you a scary diagnosis and tell you, ‘Sorry, but there’s nothing more we can do for you,’ before showing you out of his office.

We now understand so much more about how the mind, brain, nervous system and body are involved in any kind of mental health problem, whether that’s an anxiety disorder like OCD, a mood disorder like depression, or the deep wounds caused by traumatic experiences in childhood. We also understand how to treat these problems – even the most complex problems people can experience, like dissociative disorders or so-called personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder.

There are now a number of trauma-informed therapies such as trauma-focused CBT, schema therapy, internal family systems therapy, compassion-focused therapy, sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic experiencing therapy. All, in their different ways, are highly effective at understanding and treating the effects of traumatic experiences on the human mind and body.

The impact of trauma

As an Advanced Accredited Schema Therapist, Trainer & Supervisor, helping people with their mental health is my life’s mission. That’s why I specialise in treating complex trauma, because I believe that the experience of trauma, usually in childhood, is at the root of most psychological problems.

We increasingly understand this, because of research like the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study in the US, which found that traumatic experiences in childhood (like having a parent with a mental health problem or addiction, or witnessing domestic violence in the family) made people vulnerable to both mental and physical illness in later life.

There are 10 ACEs covering all aspects of childhood trauma, abuse and neglect, including socioeconomic issues like growing up in poverty – we know that these can also have a profound impact on young people’s mental health.

Sadly, the more ACEs you experience as a child, the more likely you are to develop mental health problems, have issues with substance abuse, or develop illnesses like multiple sclerosis, stroke, diabetes or cardiovascular disease. That’s because the highly stressful experience of trauma – especially ‘developmental trauma’, which happens at a key developmental stage in your childhood – has a profound and long-lasting effect on every part of your mind-body system.

Reasons to be hopeful

When I explain this to my clients – most of whom have experienced a number of ACEs in childhood – I know it sounds really depressing. So I quickly follow it up with the good news. I passionately believe that, whatever you have been through in your life, however bad it was and whatever wounds it has left you with, you can always heal. It’s never too late to start (I have worked with elderly people and seen them make deep and long-lasting changes) and, however daunting it may seem, you can always heal, change and grow.

One reason for my cast-iron hopefulness is understanding the theory of neuroplasticity. This tells us that your brain is ‘plastic’ (which means it is malleable, like clay). So when you learn anything new, your brain has to create new wiring and even new grey matter to accommodate that knowledge.

The famous example is of London’s black-cab drivers, who have to take an incredibly arduous test called the Knowledge. This means that they have to study around 320 routes and 25,000 London streets and get to know them all by heart.

This is seriously hard! So the would-be cabbies have to store a huge amount of new information their brain. And, when they do this, a part of the brain called the hippocampus, which has a major role in learning and memory, actually increases in size. New wiring. New grey matter.

How the brain heals itself

And exactly the same thing happens when your brain heals from whatever trauma you may have experienced. Whether that is through a trauma-informed therapy like schema therapy, reading self-help books or blogs like this one, or enjoying a loving, supportive relationship with your partner, as you heal from trauma your brain is literally rewiring itself.

This helps you replace negative self-beliefs with more positive and helpful ones. It increases your ability to regulate painful or overwhelming emotions. And it helps you process old trauma memories, so they don’t plague you in the present and can be consigned to history, where they belong.

My desire to help you with this journey is why I created my Heal Your Trauma project and why I write this blog. I aim to share all of my knowledge and experience with you, distilling my 10-plus years of clinical experience, during which I have helped hundreds of people overcome their mental health problems. Pass on everything I have learned from studying with some of the world’s foremost trauma experts. Share with you the incredibly powerful theory and techniques I have learned from cognitive therapy, schema therapy and many more trauma-informed therapy models currently available.

And give you powerful, effective techniques you can start using, right away, to regulate your nervous system, soothe the hurt little boy or girl inside, develop greater self-compassion, and start feeling calmer, happier and more peaceful day by day – do sign up using the form below to read my latest blog posts, hot off the press.

Helping you heal your trauma

When healing any kind of psychological problem, I strongly believe that knowledge is power. So do read my blog posts, where you will find a huge amount of information, available for free, forever. In the future I will be offering a whole host of other resources, like guided meditations, workshops and self-help books. But you should start with my blog, which will be updated regularly and is packed with a wealth of resources to help you on your healing journey.

Whether you experienced trauma as a child or some other painful experience, such as emotional neglect, I look forward to helping you with the most important project of your life – freeing yourself from the painful shackles of your past and embracing a kinder, more compassionate, more meaningful present and future. I will be with you every step of the way.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try This Imagery Technique to Feel Calmer and More Peaceful

Image by Jailam Rashad

If you have a trauma history, you may struggle to feel calm and safe in the world. You might find that you only feel safe in your home – or that even there you often feel anxious, or a sense of dread, as if something bad is always about to happen.

Although, of course, this is horrible, it’s not unusual. In fact, if you have grown up in an environment that was not safe, or where bad things often did happen, it makes total sense to feel this way as an adult – the little boy or girl inside you still feels unsafe, even when the traumatic experiences happened many years ago.

As part of the long, slow process of helping my clients feel safer, I always include the Safe Place imagery. This simple but powerful imagery technique was developed by Paul Gilbert, the founder of compassion-focused therapy. It is often incorporated into schema therapy as it is so helpful for people struggling with anxiety or trauma-related feelings of threat, or for those struggling to feel safe, even in apparently safe environments.

I have recorded this imagery for Insight Timer (listen to that recording here), but here is a step-by-step guide you can either read and record for yourself, or get a trusted friend, family member or therapist to record for you so that you can play it whenever you need to.

Safe Place Imagery

• Start by imagining a safe place. This might be somewhere you have visited, such as a beautiful beach, forest or mountain meadow. It could also be somewhere that feels safe and comfortable for you, such as a cosy room in your house, or a place in Nature where you walk your dog. Sometimes, especially if you are a trauma survivor, you might not be able to think of anywhere that feels safe – in that case, create an imaginary place that feels as safe as possible.

• Ideally, you should be alone in your safe place, with no potentially triggering people visiting; although feel free to take pets or calm, supportive people with you. And it should be warm, as warmth is soothing and comforting for your brain. Close your eyes and ‘be there’ as vividly as possible. Explore your safe place, using all of your senses – what can you see, hear, feel, smell, taste and touch? If it’s a beach you could visualise the beautiful turquoise sea, golden sands and blue skies, hear the gulls and breeze rustling palm fronds, feel the sand between your toes… The more sensory information the better, as this convinces your brain that you are actually on that beach, or in the beautiful meadow.

• Keep reminding yourself that this is your safe place, using words like ‘calm’ and ‘peaceful’. Mindfully focus on the somatic sensations of calmness, peacefulness and safety in your body. Also, remember that this place itself takes pleasure in you being there (many trauma survivors were never cherished or shown love, so this often feels very good).

• End the imagery by reminding yourself that this place is always here for you, just waiting for you to visit. If you’re feeling stressed or anxious, you can just close your eyes and visit for a minute or two (like having a mini-holiday) before re-engaging with the world. Then let the image fade away until it’s gone, take a deep breath and open your eyes.

I hope you find this imagery helpful – and that, over time, it helps you feel a little calmer, safer and more at peace in your day-to-day life.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Weekend University Lecture on Schema Therapy and Trauma

I am giving a lecture on Schema Therapy & Trauma for The Weekend University, from 1-3pm on 26th September 2021. This is one of three lectures from experts in the trauma field, as part of A Day on Healing Trauma, Part 2. The lecture is part of my Heal Your Trauma project, which involves teaching, webinars, workshops, guided meditations and self-help books, as well as training and supervision for mental-health professionals.

If you are a trauma survivor, this will help you understand a great deal more about complex trauma – what causes it and how it affects every level of the mind-body system. I will also guide you through some powerful experiential techniques to help you feel calmer and more at peace.

And if you are a mental-health professional or just interested in psychology, the lecture will provide a unique insight into one of the most powerful therapy models available, which can heal even the most complex or hard-to-treat trauma-related problems.

A Day on Healing Trauma, Part 2 is charged on a sliding scale, starting at just £26.99 for the full day. If you are interested, you can find out more or book your place at The Weekend University using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Why You are a Trauma Survivor, Not a Trauma Victim

Image by Ben White

I am often amazed by the strength, resilience and innate healing capacities of my clients. They truly are an inspiration to me – and are one of the reasons I am so passionate about my work. Trying to help people like them is also why I write this blog, so I can reach out to many more people than those I am able to work with, one-to-one, in therapy.

I think all of my clients are incredible people, but especially those who have survived the most awful childhoods. These are people who have endured some of the worst things life can throw at you, whether that is some kind of trauma, abuse, emotional neglect, or cold, unloving and punitive parents.

And of course these people carry the wounds of their trauma. Many of them have struggled with lifelong bouts of depression, one or more anxiety disorders, volatile or unhappy relationships, and often deep-seated feelings of shame or self-dislike.

Trauma survivors may also need extreme ways of coping with their extreme, painful emotions. That might be using substances such as weed, alcohol or other drugs to numb out painful feelings. If you are coping with the impact of trauma, you might use food as a way of coping, whether that is restricting or over/comfort-eating. You may also use activities like gambling, shopping, obsessional use of TV/internet/social media to distract you from the hurt little boy or girl inside.

You are stronger than you think

But if you are reading this, whatever horrible or hurtful things you have been through in your life, you have survived. You have endured. You have persevered. And that is why you should think of yourself as a trauma survivor, not a trauma victim. Surviving trauma takes strength, resilience and tapping into the miraculous, wonderful healing inner resources we all possess.

That is why I always tell my clients that all of the problematic behaviours in their lives are probably coping responses they learned as a child. And in schema therapy, we see those coping responses as parts of the person (known as modes), which as a child were absolutely healthy, adaptive and necessary to survive your trauma with mind and body reasonably intact.

What is your survival story?

If you are struggling with the effects of trauma you endured, either as a child, or what we call a ‘single-incident trauma’ in adulthood, such as a violent crime or car crash, here is a technique that might help. You can write this by hand, in a journal, or type it, whatever works best for you. But I want you to think about your ‘survival story’.

For example, if you were unlucky enough to have cruel, unloving, harshly critical parents, that will of course have left a mark. You might feel extremely anxious, suffer from depression, or have problems with your self-esteem. But you also drew on a rage of inner resources to help you survive that traumatic childhood.

Maybe you found a grandparent, favourite aunt or teacher at school who could give you some of the love and care you so badly needed. Perhaps you survived by retreating into a fantasy world, imagining a happier family life, where your parents actually showed their love to you. Or maybe your imagination ran wild, conjuring up visions of living on Mars, or inhabiting your favourite cartoon or TV series.

Coping against all the odds

You may have lost yourself in Nature, or video games, or books, where you felt safe and could forget about your horrible parents for at least a short time. What this tells us is that you used incredible creativity, resourcefulness and determination to make the best of things; to be independent and self-sufficient; to cope, the best you knew how.

This is your survival story, so please write it down. I want you to see yourself as the hero of this story, because, if you are reading this now, you survived whatever horrible things life through at you. You made it through – battered and bruised, but still alive, with a whole host of wonderful qualities, despite your struggles.

And this tells a different story than the harsh, self-critical one about everything that’s wrong with you. It tells a story of courage, of strength, of incredible resilience and of survival. And the more you believe this story, the stronger and better you will feel – because you deserve to, as much as any other person on this planet.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Is Modern Life Making You Sick?

Image by Nico BLHR

If you are struggling with any mental health problem, whether that’s anxiety, chronic stress, addiction, depression or a history of trauma, it’s important to think about two levels: your internal and external systems. I wrote about this in my last post, on relationships, but I want to take a deeper dive into the way that those external systems can affect – and even traumatise you.

Just to clarify, your internal systems would be your mind, brain, nervous, hormonal and musculoskeletal systems; they would also include the system of parts that we work with in trauma therapy (child parts, protectors, critical parts, and so on). We could also think about your habitual cognitive (frequent worry, rumination or obsessional thinking) and emotional (often feeling sad, lonely or anxious) patterns as part of this internal world.

Your external systems would include your family (both biological and chosen), friends, colleagues, working environment, community, society and the global, economic, social and environmental systems we are all an interconnected part of. If you want to get really deep you could even say that all of the trillions of stars in the known universe are part of your system, because every atom in your body was forged in those stars billions of years ago. You are, quite literally, made of stardust.

The stress of 21st-century life

But in this post I want to focus on the way that these systems make up modern, 21st-century life – and its impact on us all. Think about it like this: for the vast majority of human evolution (that’s 3.5 billion years since life evolved on Earth; six million years of some form of human running around; and 300,000 years of our kind of human, homo sapiens) we lived in Nature. For all but the last 10,000 of those those six million years, we lived in small, hunter-gatherer bands in the jungle, on the savannah or the forest.

Ten thousand years ago, the Agricultural Revolution transitioned most humans from hunter-gathering to farming, so we stayed in one place, built permanent settlements and civilisation as we now know it began to take shape. Still, we lived a life revolving around the natural cycles of night and day, the changing seasons, sowing and harvesting crops. And we spent much of our time working outdoors, living intimately with plants and animals.

Unnatural living begins

Then things changed radically during the Industrial Revolution, which only began around 250 years ago – 250! So this life most of now lead, in huge cities, crammed in like sardines, with constant noise, light and general hubbub, is less than 300 years old. That really blows my mind. And, I’m afraid, yours too – because your brain and body is just not adapted to live in the 21st century.

Evolution doesn’t work like that. It is a glacially slow process (with occasional bursts of faster change), so your brain and body are supremely adapted to that hunter-gatherer lifestyle, because urban life is just too new for evolution to adapt to. It seems like every week I see a new study about how stressed out we all are, rising levels of depression, anxiety, obesity and addiction. It has to be said, humans are not doing well right now (and this is all pre-pandemic, which is causing whole new levels of stress to the global human population).

If you are struggling with stress, say, it’s helpful to ponder how much of that stress is caused – or at least exacerbated – by your 21st-century lifestyle. And some psychologists theorise that modern life could actually be traumatic for us as a species, because it is so alien and jarring to our sensitive brains and bodies. This is not to ignore the impact of childhood trauma, which is a huge and under-reported problem. But we could also say that much of that is caused by parents who are exhausted, stressed out, disconnected from their emotions and bodies – all of which is, in part, due to modern life.

What you can do

As ever, we start by understanding the cause of your problems and then think about what you can do to change them. So here are a few ideas of small, achievable changes you can make to reduce the traumatic impact of modern life:

1. Reduce screen time. I am writing this on my computer, while glancing occasionally at my iPhone to check for messages, so please don’t think I have cracked this one! But I know that the more time I spend not looking at some kind of screen, the better. One tip is to buy an old-fashioned alarm clock, so you can switch your phone off an hour before bed, then not look at it until you have got up and (ideally) meditated. This links to my second suggestion…

2. Spend time in Nature. The more the better. If you’re lucky enough to have a garden, spend as much time as you with your beautiful plants, watching bees feed on your lavender, or birds swooping about. It’s easy to dig a little wildlife pond, so your kids can get involved too, watching water boatmen, insect larvae, aquatic snails and (if you’re lucky) tadpoles do their thing. Go to the park, walk in the woods, climb mountains, wild swim, hike along cliff paths… spending time in Nature is so important for your mental health that GPs now prescribe it, like they would medication.

3. Move your body. Again, I am writing this sitting on my butt, which is where I spend far too much of my working life! But I did just go for my daily walk. And I did also exercise in my living room before work. And I also went to the gym yesterday. None of this is to boast or make myself out to be some kind of perfect human specimen. I am definitely not that. But I do know that when it moves, my body is happy. And it took years of chronic back problems to get me exercising every day – as I often tell people, pain is a great motivator! So walk, run, cycle, swim, dance, garden, lift weights, do yoga, Zumba… it’s all good. And it’s what your body is, quite literally, made for.

I know this is all common-sense stuff. But it’s also realistic, achievable and the kind of thing we all know we should do, but forget to actually do. So give it a try and find small, incremental ways to live a life your beautiful, exquisitely complex body was made for – rather than the somewhat unnatural one that humans have created.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Which Part of You is Driving Your Bus?

Image by David Henderson

When my clients tell me, ‘I really hate myself today!’ or ‘I need him to call me, even though I know he will just hurt me again,’ I often ask them, ‘Which I?’. So, which I hates and which feels hated? And which I is so attached to this guy that she doesn’t care if she’s hurt – or perhaps finds that hurt familiar, because it reminds her of her painful relationship with mum or dad.

And people often look at me with a bewildered expression on their face, because we are all used to thinking of ourselves as just me. So of course, I feel like I am Dan all the time. I think Dan thoughts and have Dan experiences and everyone who speaks to me calls me Dan. Just me. Just one, homogeneous self.

We all have many parts

But we now know that this is not how the human brain works. Your brain creates many selves, which fulfill different roles in your internal system. For example, you may have a self that goes to work every day, even when you would rather stay in bed, and can be assertive and deal with your prickly, critical boss. But you have another self that is much less confident and secure when you are in romantic relationships (which is, of course, deeply frustrating and mystifying! ‘Why am I so confident at work but crumble when my boyfriend’s mean to me?’).

You find yourself feeling and behaving differently when you go back to your family home, when you are with this (kind, supportive) or that (abrasive, critical) friend, and so on. You have many selves, or parts (and in schema therapy we call these modes). This is just how the brain works, even if we are fairly healthy and high-functioning.

But if you have experienced trauma, your brain will have created many more parts to help you cope. One part may hold particular traumatic memories, enabling you to get on with school, or work, without being flooded by painful memories and feelings all the time. Another part makes you drink to numb painful emotions. Another might push you to self-harm, or restrict food, or whatever it is you need to get through the day.

We know that trauma survivors have many parts and that these parts might be more separate and distinct than for those lucky enough not to have experienced trauma. At its most extreme, this separation of parts leads to a dissociative disorder, where people frequently move between their parts, with little awareness of this change or the other parts in their system, which clearly makes life very difficult. This can lead to ‘dissociative amnesia’, where people lose parts of their day, not remembering where they have been or what they were doing.

One bus, many passengers

Whether you are a trauma survivor or not, it’s helpful to know the bus metaphor, which my clients really like. It goes like this… There you are, driving along, with all of your parts on board a bus. There may be one or more child parts, some happy, some sad, some running around and causing all sorts of trouble. There might be a Critical Part, giving you a hard time about something or other.

Maybe there is an avoidant part, who doesn’t want to be on the bus at all – too many people! Too much noise! Or even an entitled part, who thinks he’s pretty great (certainly better than all the other loser parts on the bus). The point is, all of these parts are on your bus. And you need to make them all welcome, whether you like them or not, because they’re not getting off any time soon!

But there is only one part you want driving the bus – and that’s your Healthy Adult. He or she is the strong, resilient, mature, wise part that knows what’s best for you. And loves you – even those parts of you that are a bit hard to love. And your Healthy Adult is, or should be, in charge of all the other noisy, opinionated, impulsive parts – like the teacher in a nursery, or parent of a large family. The kids can have their say, but mum or dad should be the one making all the big decisions.

Don’t let these guys drive

Because if the angry part if driving, you might find yourself letting your irritation bubble up and snapping at your kids, which feels horrible. Or if the part who wants you to drink is at the wheel, you find yourself in the pub, alone, on a sunny Saturday morning, drowning your sorrows. And if the Critical Part is driving, it will park up, turn around and berate you about your latest ‘failing’ for an hour.

You get the idea. All of your parts are welcome to be passengers on your bus. They can all shout out ideas, opinions, suggestions. And your Healthy Adult listens, takes note, then he or she makes the decisions. Wisely. Calmly. Sensibly. And so you drive off down a road that leads to a happier, more fulfilling life – not the familiar roads that end up in dead ends or dark alleys.

If you want to know more about how to help your Healthy Adult take charge, do keep reading my blog (for example, here’s a post about using mindfulness to quiet a noisy mind), see a good schema therapist; or check out Internal Family Systems therapy, another great model which is all about getting to know, integrate and have compassion for every part in your system.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Healing the Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect

Image by Kelly Sikkema

Sometimes, when I’m working with people struggling with problems like chronic anxiety, depression or disordered eating, it’s hard to figure out where these problems came from. They describe reasonably happy families, with loving parents who did their best to raise happy, confident children. And sometimes what we figure out together is that there were ‘small misses’ – subtle issues with their parents’ attunement to that little boy or girl that led to lifelong problems.

Of course, sometimes these misses were not small and there was a deep lack of love, care, support, safety or any of the other things children need to meet their core developmental needs. And whether this lack of what you needed in childhood was small or large, what we are talking about is emotional neglect – an incredibly common problem that’s a key factor in many mental-health difficulties.

What is emotional neglect?

In schema therapy, we see this neglect showing up as an Emotional Deprivation schema. This means that, as a child, you were deprived of some of the key emotional nutrients you needed in order to thrive. And of all the schemas, this can be one of the hardest to detect in people, because it’s primarily about the absence of good things, rather than the presence of bad things. Let me give you an example.

*Jean comes to see me and in her first session, explains that she has a lifelong history of depression. She also recognises that she has low self-esteem, feeling bad about herself across the board and lacking confidence at work, as a mum, in her friendships and in terms of her body image.

When I ask about Jean’s childhood, she paints a rosy picture. ‘Oh, family life was great,’ she tells me. ‘I had such a happy childhood. Mum and dad were good to us, we had a nice house and everything we needed.’

But as our sessions unfold, it becomes clear that things were not quite so great for Jean. She was a shy, sensitive child who needed lots of love, warmth, support and encouragement from her parents. Although her dad was a kind man, he was also a workaholic, spending long hours at the office. Jean recalls barely seeing him throughout her childhood. ‘He was always at work,’ she says. ‘But I understood, because he paid for our house and all the lovely things we had as kids.’

Sadly, these ‘things’ were how her mother showed love to her children. She was quite a cold person, who was not good with emotion, so showed her kids love in practical ways – cooking meals, making sure school uniforms were pressed and clean, giving them toys for birthdays and Christmas.

She never told her kids that she loved them, never hugged them and scolded them when they were scared or hurt. She just couldn’t handle what she called ‘weak’ emotions like fear or sadness. So Jean didn’t get any of the love and hugs that she needed – an absence of good things, which didn’t help build her self-esteem and left her vulnerable to the depression that has plagued Jean throughout her life.

Healing the wounds of childhood

If Jean’s story resonates with you, it’s possible that you might have experienced emotional neglect as a child. And if so, what can you do to make sure this neglect doesn’t cast a shadow over the rest of your life? First, as I often say in these posts, knowledge is power. Start by reading up on neglect, in my blog and others like it.

You may also like Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, by Jonice Webb. It’s an excellent self-help book that explains exactly what this form of neglect is, the different styles of parenting that can cause it (from the well-meaning but unattuned to the destructive and traumatising), and offers lots of helpful techniques and strategies to help build your sense of self-worth, confidence and resilience as an adult.

Second, if your wounds are really deep, you might need some help from a mental-health professional like me. Schema therapy is really effective for problems like neglect, but lots of other approaches will also help, like CBT, internal family systems or compassion-focused therapy. All of these approaches will help you identify painful, self-limiting beliefs and behaviours that maintain the sense of being unlikable, unlovable or not enough in some way.

Finally, remember that experiencing neglect as a child was categorically not your fault. You didn’t choose your family, or whatever issues they had that didn’t allow them to give you all the love, support and affection that you needed. So whatever problems that neglect caused in later life are not your fault either. You were just unlucky, got dealt a bad hand as a child, so you’re now struggling with the consequences.

But enough is enough. Don’t let the neglect you experienced define you as a person. Don’t let it define your life. You deserve to be loved, valued and cherished as much as any other human on this planet. Make today the day that you commit to healing and happiness. I very much hope that you find both.

Warm wishes,

Dan

*All of the case studies on this blog are composites of actual people – I would never reveal any personal or identifying information about my clients.

Is Your Romantic Relationship Harming or Healing You?

Image by Hutomo Abrianto

Do you have a partner? If so, does your relationship make you happy? This is a crucial question, especially if you experienced trauma or other painful events in your life, as the quality of your romantic relationship can either help you heal those old wounds, or make them deeper.

In some ways, this is common sense – we all know that bad relationships make us unhappy. But it’s helpful to think about the different systems which impact your mental health, both internal and external. The internal systems are, generally, what we work on in therapy. These comprise your internal parts, such as (in schema therapy language) your Vulnerable Child or Inner Critic. We could also see all of the internal systems of your mind, brain and body as key drivers of either health or ill-health – for example, your nervous, hormonal and cardiovascular systems.

Why relationships are key

In therapy, less attention may be paid to your external systems. These would include your family (both the one your were born into and the one you made for yourself as an adult), friends, colleagues, neighbours, community and society. All of these systems, to a greater or lesser extent, have a big part to play in your mental and physical health.

But, as an adult, no external system is more important than the family you have created. And within this system, the quality of your romantic relationship has the greatest power to make you happy or not. And sadly, something I see time and again with trauma survivors, is that they don’t make good choices for their partners.

It can be baffling, both for the people involved and those who love them, so let’s think about why this can happen. Perhaps the biggest reason is that, if you experienced trauma, abuse or neglect as a child – and if the person hurting you was a family member – that’s what love feels like to you. Especially if the person doing the damage was your mother or father, they were a key attachment figure for you as a child. So you loved, needed and wanted to be close to them, even when they hurt you.

So your poor, developing little brain learned that love = hurt. That was your experience, day after day, so you became conditioned to feel love in this way. As an adult, this conditioning will lead you to (unconsciously, of course) choose partners who will also love and hurt you. It just feels normal and, on some unconscious level, right.

Schema chemistry

Another important concept to understand is that of ‘schema chemistry’. This means that the schemas in your brain make you, again unconsciously, highly attracted to people with whom those schemas fit. This is why we feel that intense, lightning bolt of attraction to someone, it’s like the schemas in both brains are powerful magnets, pulling us together.

For example, if you have an Abandonment schema, you might be dangerously attracted to people who are clearly unreliable and always leave their partner, usually involving an affair. They are clearly not a great choice as partner material, but you just can’t help yourself. Or, if you have a Defectiveness schema, you might find yourself dating someone who is constantly critical and putting you down – this makes you feel defective and not good enough, deep down, feeding your schema and keeping it alive.

Enough is enough

If this sounds like you, it might all seem a bit depressing. And it can be really painful, especially when we play out these patterns over and over again. But if that’s the case, maybe now is the time to clench your fists, grit your teeth, summon up all your courage and determination and say to yourself, ‘Enough!’ Enough hurt. Enough crying. Enough endless talks with friends, telling you to leave over and over.

Time to choose a relationship that heals. How? Well, you might need some therapy to help you recognise these patterns and learn how to break them. Or a stack of self-help books and loving friends/family members might be enough. Either way, you need to accept that your choices thus far have not been the best. You may also have to take a long, hard look at your current partner and decide whether they are good for you or not.

• Are they abusive – verbally, emotionally or physically? Then leave.

• Do they make you feel bad about yourself on a regular basis? Leave.

• Do they gaslight you, or take zero responsibility for any problems that arise in your relationship? Do they blame you for absolutely everything? Time to leave.

• Do all your friends and family keep telling you this person is bad for you, or untrustworthy, or just a not-very-nice, destructive person? Time to go.

Kindness above all else

Once you are out of that horrible situation, take some time to heal and regroup, spend time alone until you feel ready to date again, then write a list of qualities you are looking for in your new partner. And top of that list should be kindness. Far more important than how they look, or how charming they are, or how much money they have – certainly than that crazy chemistry that most people mistake for love, but is actually just a hormonal fever dream that always burns off after a few months, at best.

Choose somebody kind. Choose someone you think could be a friend – because long-term relationships are all about friendship, not lust. Choose someone with whom you are compatible, who you could live with, who has similar values and politics to you. Choose someone your friends like and approve of (they often know what’s best for you).

And if you do all those things, and find a nice, loving, supportive partner, it will be one of the most healing experiences of your life. Even if you are a trauma survivor. Even if you have been hurt by other partners, or in early relationships. A loving boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is powerful, healing medicine.

I hope that helps and that you find someone good for you – because, especially if you have been through tough times in your life, you thoroughly deserve it.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Do You Struggle With Self-Compassion? If So, You Are Not Alone

Image by Külli Kittus

As a psychotherapist, I know there are all sorts of things that will help improve my clients’ mental health. Some of these are just common sense, like not taking recreational drugs or drinking too much; going easy on the caffeine if they are stressed or anxious; eating healthily; engaging in daily exercise; and getting enough sleep (one of the most important things you can do for both your mental and physical health).

Others are not so obvious, but still things they will have read about in self-help books, or heard mentioned in their favourite podcasts. Practising yoga is one – there is a growing body of evidence to support yoga’s healing capacities for body, mind, nervous and hormonal systems. Mindfulness meditation is another – you would have to have been living on the Moon for the past 10 years to have missed the mindfulness revolution! Most of us now know that mindfulness is highly beneficial, in all sorts of ways.

The age of self-compassion

Now mindfulness programmes have blossomed in meditation centres, schools, corporations and even prisons, another revolution is quietly brewing: the self-compassion movement. Spearheaded by Dr Kristin Neff – the world’s leading academic researcher into self-compassion – this builds on the skills and theory embedded in mindfulness programmes like mindfulness-based stress reduction. Kristin Neff’s mindful self-compassion programme, developed with her colleague Dr Christopher Germer, adds a powerful and structured method for relieving human suffering (if you want to find out more, check out centerformsc.org).

Full disclosure: I love self-compassion. I have long enjoyed Kristin Neff’s guided meditations (they are wonderful – and you can find them, for free, on the Insight Timer app at insighttimer.com), read her books and attended her workshops. I also use many of her techniques with my clients, who find them hugely powerful and beneficial.

And self-compassion is a key part of the schema therapy model, as we teach our clients’ Healthy Adult mode to offer kindness, soothing, reassurance and compassion to their Vulnerable Child. It’s a beautiful thing to teach people self-compassion and watch as, step by step, they incorporate it into their daily lives. Where once they were harsh and mean to themselves, now they are (mostly) kind, supportive, encouraging and understanding.

What gets in the way

But here’s the thing: self-compassion is hard. Even the kindest and most compassionate people often struggle to treat themselves as they would a friend, colleague or family member who was struggling. Being more compassionate, to yourself and others, is one of those things that is easy to talk about, and get intellectually, but can be incredibly tough to do on a daily basis (‘I know, rationally, that self-compassion is a good idea, but I forget to do it/don’t feel the impact of it/don’t think I deserve it,’ many of my clients tell me).

Here is an example:

*Trevor is a middle-aged business owner. He is comfortably off, with a lovely home, supportive wife and two young children. On paper, Trevor has it all. But he has struggled with cyclical periods of depression his whole adult life. In our first session, Trevor tells me that his depression seems to come out of the blue. ‘One day I’m fine, then it starts creeping up on me. I feel more and more depressed, everything starts to seem miserable and bleak, then I end up staying in bed for days,’ he explains.

One of the first things I explain to Trevor is that depression never comes out of the blue – there is always a reason. When we start exploring his life in detail, he tells me that he works incredibly long hours – at least 12 hours a day, seven days a week. And in the build-up to a depressive episode, he works even harder, until he crashes.

I hypothesise that a part of Trevor makes him depressed to give him a break from the grinding schedule of his working life. This makes sense to Trevor. I also notice that he has an especially vicious Critical Part, which tells Trevor he is ‘worthless’ and ‘pathetic’ unless he works like a dog.

I teach him my four-part self-compassion practice (you can read all about that in this post), so we can quieten the critical voice in his head and allow him to treat himself more kindly. But he really struggles with the compassionate self-talk step, in which I coach him in speaking to himself with kindness and understanding. ‘Something in me just says it’s bullshit,’ he says. ‘It tells me I don’t deserve kindness because I am worthless and deserve to be miserable.’

Breaking the cycle

So where did these painful, self-negating beliefs come from? As so often, from Trevor’s parents, who taught him that he was stupid and a failure, unless he excelled at school. Then he got some (grudging) praise and affection. This taught Trevor that his intrinsic self had no worth or value – the only thing to be liked, valued or respected was his work and achievements. So as an adult, he worked himself into the ground until he got depressed, recovered, then the cycle started all over again.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, please remember that you are not alone. Learning to treat yourself with kindness, care and compassion is not easy – far from it. Many of us have negative beliefs like Trevor’s, often learned in childhood. We don’t feel like we deserve to be happy. We are taught that we’re only lovable when we achieve highly. We may even see self-compassion as self-indulgent, weak, or a waste of time.

None of this is true. As the Dalai Lama teaches us, you are worthy of love, compassion and freedom from suffering – as much as any other living being on this planet. So keep reading my posts and any other blogs/articles/self-help books that teach you how to develop greater self-compassion. Check out my video, below, for a step-by-step self-compassion practice. And if necessary, see a skilled mental-health professional to help you with that – you deserve it.

Warm wishes,

Dan

*All of the case studies in my blog are composites of actual people – I would never reveal any personal or identifying information about my clients.

Is Worry Driving You to Distraction?

Image by Priscilla Du Preez

My clients often tell me that they feel worried. And, while I understand what they mean, I always tell them that worry is not a feeling – it’s a thinking process linked to the feeling of anxiety. So, really, what they are telling me is that they feel anxious about something and have gone into worry mode to try and think their way out of the anxiety.

In schema therapy, the part that feels anxious is your Vulnerable Child mode – Little Jane or James. This is the emotional part of you, which gets triggered whenever you feel sad, anxious, stressed, hurt, upset, down… It’s also the part of you that holds all your painful memories from childhood and can get triggered when you feel threatened by something – especially if that reminds you of a stressful event from childhood.

Worry is a symptom

Let me give you an example. *Helen comes to see me because she can’t stop worrying. It’s driving her crazy, because she worries about every little thing. ‘If I have a meeting at work, I worry beforehand, about what I’ll say, whether my boss is annoyed with me, whether my colleagues like me, what I’m wearing, what I say in the meeting… You name it, I’m worrying about it,’ she tells me.

And this worry is exhausting for Helen. It makes her feel stressed before, during and after the meeting. She just can’t stop thinking about these problems. It’s like her mind is a vice – it grips on to the problems and won’t let go. ‘The other problem is that it’s driving my husband crazy,’ she adds. ‘He tries to reassure me but it doesn’t work, so I go on and on about these petty things until we’re both ratty and exhausted.’

Of course I feel for Helen – her worry is causing huge problems in her life. It maintains her low self-esteem, because she doesn’t believe she will ever do anything well enough, and that people think she’s rubbish at her job, even that she will get fired because her boss doesn’t rate her. But in our first session, I tell her something surprising and counterintuitive – even though it’s driving her nuts, worry is not the problem. It’s a symptom. And the root cause of her worry is anxious Little Helen.

Anxiety warns us about threats

I ask her to tell me more about her boss, to see if he reminds her of anyone from her past. She thinks about it, then has one of those lightbulb moments. ‘Ohhh,’ she says, ‘He is just like my dad!’ Helen goes on to tell me that her dad was highly critical when she as a child, telling her that nothing was ever good enough. If she got a B on a test, he would ask impatiently why it wasn’t an A. If she came second in a cross-country race, he would berate her for not being first. And so on.

So when she goes for a meeting with her boss, Little Helen feels highly anxious – just like she did around her dad as a child. And that’s what anxiety is for – it’s an alarm-bell emotion that warns us about potential threats. Her Worrier part then kicks in, with lots of ‘what if…’ thoughts to try and problem-solve the threats. ‘What if you say the wrong thing?’ ‘What if your boss criticises you?’ ‘What if you get fired?’

Trying to help. Trying to protect her from this nit-picking, critical, perfectionistic boss who is just like her dad. Not mean, or horrible, but trying to help Helen deal with the anxiety-provoking situation.

Comforting your little self

In order to help Helen, in schema therapy we do a few things. First, we work with the Worrier, helping Helen see where it came from, what its function is, the pros and cons of worrying, and so on until we can help it calm down a bit. Second, we help Little Helen feel safe, comforted and genuinely, deep-down reassured (not the temporary fix of reassurance that worry provides). There are many ways to do this – plenty of which are provided in this blog – but a simple first step is to use this self-compassion practice to help your little self feel calmer and more at peace.

Third, we build up Helen’s Healthy Adult, so she feels stronger, more rational, having better perspective – seeing the big picture rather than obsessing about the details. If you are a worrier by nature, you need to do all three things, rather than just focusing on the worry. Otherwise, you’re treating the symptom, not the cause, so the worry will just keep coming back.

Warm wishes,

Dan

*All of the case studies on this blog are composites of actual people – I would never reveal any personal or identifying information about my clients.

What Are Core Needs in Schema Therapy?

Image by Eka P Amdela

One of the most important ideas in schema therapy is that all children have core developmental needs. These needs are the same whether you grow up in Tottenham or Tanzania, whether you’re male or female, raised in the 18th or 21st century. All human children have the same needs.

Think of these needs as nutrients that we all require to grow up strong, resilient and healthy. It’s like a plant – every plant needs certain nutrients to thrive. They need water, sunlight, minerals in the soil, carbon dioxide in the air, the right temperature and growing conditions. If plants get these nutrients, they thrive. If not, they fail to grow properly and can be small or spindly.

So what are these core needs? There are five, listed in order of importance:

1. Love and a secure attachment

Attachment theory is one of the best-researched fields in psychology. Pioneered by John Bowlby, a British psychologist and psychoanalyst, attachment theory tells us that all babies are born hard-wired to attach, first to their mother, then father, siblings, grandparents, and so on. Ideally, babies form a secure attachment, meaning they feel strongly bonded, comfortable and deeply loved by mum.

Sadly, many babies don’t experience this, for all sorts of reasons, so they develop an insecure attachment style – either anxious or avoidant attachment. If this is true of you, you might struggle to form close bonds or romantic relationships as an adult. This attachment style stays with us for life, unless we do something (like therapy, or finding a loving partner) to change it.

2. Safety and protection

This one is self-explanatory. We all need to feel safe and protected, from infancy onwards. If your family environment either was or just felt unsafe, you might have problems with anxiety, or be a worrier. You may develop a Mistrust/Abuse schema and find it hard to trust people. Or you might cling to others, especially if they seem stronger than you.

3. Being valued as a unique human being

As I always tell my clients, this is not about being special, getting all As at school or being the smartest/prettiest/most popular kid. It’s just about being loved for who you are. Just you, with all your strengths and weaknesses, likeable and less likeable bits, imperfectly perfect, like every other child. If this need is not met, you might develop a Defectiveness schema, feeling you are not good enough, dislikable or unworthy in some way.

4. The ability to be spontaneous and play

All children (and other young animals) learn through play. But some parents are not comfortable with their kids being playful, spontaneous or silly. They might shout at or critcise their kids if they are being ‘too rambunctious’ or ‘foolish’. And the kids quickly learn to stifle their natural – and hugely important – instincts to run and laugh and play.

In adulthood, this can mean being overly serious, struggling to be playful or have fun. And this can cause problems in relationships, especially if your partner is healthily playful and silly. You may need to develop your Happy Child – one of the key modes in schema therapy.

5. Boundaries and being taught right from wrong

All kids need to learn to respect other people. That they are not the centre of the universe. That their parents, not them, are in charge and get to make the big decisions. This does not mean smacking, yelling, shaming or hurting kids in any way. It just means helping them grow up to be thoughtful, respectful, decent human beings.

If this need is not met, you may develop an Entitlement schema and feel you are special, better than other people and deserve to have exactly what you want whenever you want it. That will clearly cause problems for you and everyone close to you, so needs work in therapy if true.

I hope that’s useful to understand. Remember that if any of your needs were not met as a child, and you formed painful schemas as a result, none of that is fixed or set in stone. Reading blogs like this one (or the fantastic blog/schema therapy resources at Secure Nest), or self-help books, getting therapy, forming loving relationships – these will all help you get those needs met as an adult. Wishing you all the best with that journey.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try this Simple Grounding Technique to Help with Dissociation

Image by David Pisnoy

Dissociation is one of the most confusing, disturbing and often frightening experiences we can have. It is also extremely common – especially, but not only, if you are a trauma survivor. When explaining dissociation to my clients, I often use the analogy of a circuit breaker.

So think about a circuit breaker, which is designed to deal with sudden surges of electricity. When there is a surge, the switches get tripped, shutting down the electrical circuit and protecting all of your devices (kettle, toaster, computer, etc) from burning out.

That’s how dissociation works in your brain. If you experience something completely overwhelming, like any kind of trauma, your brain flips a few switches (metaphorically) and shuts down various circuits, to protect you from lasting damage. At the time of the trauma, this is a helpful, adaptive and potentially lifesaving strategy.

Imagine you are in a bad car crash. If you are injured, your brain flips those switches to, for example, disconnect you from the physical pain in your body. This might help you survive, by allowing you to escape the crash site. Or just to cope with the experience, by protecting you from the pain until you’re in hospital and can get treatment. As with so many of the coping strategies we use for any kind of traumatic experience, this is a good, healthy, protective thing to do.

When dissociation is not helpful

The problem with dissociation is that, over time, it becomes an unconscious and habitual response. Especially if you are a trauma survivor, with a heightened sensitivity to anything that feels scary or threatening, you might dissociate on a daily, or even hourly basis. And it’s clearly not helpful to find parts of your brain shutting down if you are driving a car, in a meeting or speaking to your child’s teacher at school.

A common dissociative experience is when your prefrontal cortex (PFC), or ‘thinking brain’, shuts down. That’s why your mind goes blank when you feel anxious, because anxiety signals threat, so your brain triggers the fight-flight-freeze response to help you survive, and shuts down your (relatively slow, overthinking) PFC so you can act, fast. This is a dissociative response, which can be scary and confusing when the only threat is that teacher telling you that your daughter is a bit naughty in class.

Try this grounding technique

Mindfulness is a wonderful skill, for many reasons, but it’s especially helpful if you’re prone to dissociation. It will help you bring the PFC online; realise that you are here, now and not there, then; and bring you back to the present, to your body, to the safe place you currently inhabit – not the scary memories you might be stuck in when you experience trauma-related dissociation.

1. You can use any of your five senses to help ground you in the present moment, but this technique involves sight. Look around the room and pick three objects (for example, a painting, plant and book). Focus all of your attention on each one in turn, describing them in as much detail as you can.

2. With the painting, that might be something like, ‘I see a large painting in a silver frame. It’s a rectangle, about two feet wide by four feet long. The painting is of a woman with a small dog on her lap. I can see strong greens and reds in the woman’s dress; and the dog is a small pug, with a shiny, dark-grey coat.’

3. Keep going, finding as much detail as possible (for this exercise, it’s never too much) and then do the same for the plant and the book.

4. After you have described all three objects, notice whether you feel more mindful and present – in your body, mind and moment-to-moment experience. I’m confident that you will be at least a bit more present, but if you still feel a bit spacey or weird pick another three objects and repeat the exercise. Again, check on your phyiscal and mental state – this should help you feel calmer, more grounded and in your body.

I really hope this helps. As ever, when offering you these techniques as part of my Heal Your Trauma project, I want to stress that if you are a trauma survivor, you will need the help of a skilled, trauma-informed professional. And if so, use these techniques alongside, rather than instead of, your treatment.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Listen to this grounding technique on Insight Timer

Why Your Anger Can Be a Force for Good

Image by Sushil Nash

I have always thought that anger gets a bad rap. More than any other emotion, anger is seen as dangerous, threatening, something to be avoided or repressed. That is partly because of its portrayal in the media, where we see a parade of angry, destructive, violent or even murderous characters. In most TV programmes and movies, anger is clearly a Bad Thing.

But anger can also be scary for us if we have suffered at the hands of angry parents or other family members when we were kids. If you had a very angry, shouty, hurtful dad, it makes total sense that you would see anger as something scary, to be avoided in others and perhaps even yourself. I see this all the time in my clients, who have often been hurt by destructively angry people as children.

Threat-focused emotion

Another piece of this puzzle is understanding that anger, like anxiety, is a threat-focused emotion. If we feel threatened, by an angry parent, say, our threat system will trigger the fight-flight-freeze response. Feel a jolt of anger? That’s your threat system deciding that fight is the best strategy for dealing with the threat. Or is it a jangle of anxiety? If so, your brain is telling you to either flee (if you can) or freeze (if you can’t).

So anger feels dangerous to us because it’s supposed to – it is literally signalling danger and giving you the fire in your belly to deal with it. Of course, as adults, you generally feel angry (or anxious) about things that won’t do you any physical harm. Plumbers ripping you off. Colleagues being rude. Fellow train passengers delightfully shoving their armpit in your face.

Anger is your power

None of these examples is life-threatening, but they are annoying! And if you want to deal with them, rather than suffer in silence, you need to feel and (healthily) express your anger. That requires assertiveness, which is the healthy expression of anger, especially when someone has treated you badly or crossed a line with you.

This would mean telling that plumber his prices were a ripoff – and that you would get help from a consumer watchdog if he didn’t reduce them pronto. Or calmly but firmly asking your colleague to speak to you respectfully. And definitely telling that guy to get his armpit out of your face!

Healthy anger also helps us protest about injustices, fuelling the Black Lives Matter protests; youth movements across the world, furious about the existential threat of climate change; the Me Too movement or, as I write this, women rightfully expressing their anger about being sexually harassed or worse by men.

If we are not in touch with our anger, or find it so scary that we squash it inside before we even feel it, or allow ourselves to feel it but then keep it inside, so it churns around in a hot, horrible stew, we lose our power. We cannot stand up for ourselves, or fight for what we believe in. And understanding that anger itself is actually neutral – it’s just distorted or destructive anger that is so harmful – is a good place to start.

You are entitled to feel angry. It’s just a normal, healthy emotion – like sadness, fear, love or joy. So don’t let your past rob you of an assertive, empowered present and future. You are worth more than that.

Warm wishes,

Dan